Behold The Power of SAND

by Verie

Snape's beloved sand collection goes missing, so it's up to... ... way too many people to help him find it! Yet another self-challenge fic by me.

~Must involve Koolaid
~Someone must have a hobby of collecting sand
~Someone must scream "WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SAND?!" 5 times.
~Someone must write a ransom note in 1337 (leet)
~Must have the re-appearance of Sir Fuzzledegook the two-thousand-twenty-third-and-one-tenth
~Must involve toasters
~Things must spontaneously combust at least 5 times.
~Things or people must randomly catch on fire at least 10 times
~Someone has to run into a wall at least 5 times (doesn't have to be the same person each time)

Behold The Power of SAND

One day, Professor Severus Snape of Hogwarts was walking back to his room to add his newest bottle of sand to his collection.
Yes, sand.
See, Professor Snape collects bottles of sand.
But it can't just be any sand, it has to be GREEN sand.
So he was walking to his room to add his newest bottle of GREEN sand to his collection when a letter was dropped on his head by some unseen force.
"What the...?" He asked, picking up the letter and opening it. It read:

D34r Pr0f3550r 5/\/4p3,

| |-|4\/3 57013/\/ y0ur pr3[|0u5 54/\/d [0113[7|0/\/! 70 g37 |7 b4[| |-|4/\/d 0\/3r |-|0g\/\/4r75' 5upp1y 0f |0014|d \/\/|7|-||/\/ 7|-|3 /\/3x7 7\/\/3/\/7y-f0ur |-|0ur5.

~4/\/0/\/y/\/\0u5

Snape stared at the note in confusion. "... What the hell? Stupid children and their codes." He shoved it in his pocket, he'd look into translating the odd language later. He had to check on his sand, you know.

He made his way to his room, and unlocked the thirteen locks on one of the cabinets, opened it and....

"MY SAND!" He screamed, somehow causing his sock drawer to randomly ignite into flames. ... Somehow.

Dumbledore and McGonagall randomly heard his screaming, and ran to his room to figure out what was happening.

"What's going on?!" McGonagall demanded.

"SOMEONE STOLE MY SAND!!!" Snape sobbed.

There was an odd pause. During which, Snape's entire dresser spontaneously combusted.

Naturally, this was ignored.

"... Sand?" Dumbledore asked in confusion.

"Yes! My beloved collection of bottles of green sand... GONE!" Snape sobbed.

".. There's such a thing as green sand?" McGonagall asked, her eyebrow arched.

"... DUH, Minerva!!! Get with the times!!! You've NEVER seen green sand?!" Snape exclaimed, shoving his one remaining bottle in McGonagall's face.

"Erm... I guess I've seen it now." Minerva said, trying to get Snape's hand out of her face.

"Well then, we'll form a search party! Severus, do you have any ideas as to what might have happened?" Dumbledore asked.

".. Um.. a search party, for sand sir?" Minerva asked.

"Why of course, Minerva!" Dumbledore exclaimed, as if it was quite obvious this was the ONLY choice.

.. Minerva sighed, she was suddenly very aware she was the only sane person in this school.

"Well, there was a note." Snape took the note out of his pocket and showed it to Dumbledore.

"Ah.. I see... hmm. Yes, it appears to be in an ancient code. But luckily, I know exactly who can translate it!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Who?" Minerva asked.

"Harry Potter, of course!" Dumbledore exclaimed happily.

"Potter?! POTTER STOLE THE SAND!!!" Snape exclaimed.

"Oh shut up, Severus. We're getting tired of that gag. We're not going to blame any of this on Potter until we have some form of evidence." McGonagall muttered.

"Fine, be that way! I don't care!" Snape exclaimed.

Minerva sighed again, and Dumbledore magically called Harry to them.. magically. .. Somehow.

"Erm... eh?" Harry asked in confusion.

"Harry, we need you to use your amazing main character powers to translate this note!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

Harry stared at the note in puzzlement. "Sorry, I can't read this. But! I know who can!"

And thus, they went off and showed the note to Hermione.

"Sorry, I can't read this. But I know for CERTAIN who can!" And thus, they went to Ron.

And then they went to Trelawney.

And then they went to Trelawney's pet rock.

And then they went to Remus's toaster.

And then they went to Remus Lupin.

Who lead them to Sirius.

Who lead them to.. um... ... ... a blade of grass.

Who lead them to Draco.

Who lead them to Crabbe and Goyle.

Who lead them to a broom.

Who lead them to Dobby.

Who lead them to Tom Riddle (.. somehow...)

"... ... ... Wait, aren't I supposed to be trying to kill you?" Tom asked in confusion.

"Not yet, you're not... um.. you-know-who yet. Anyhow, the house-elf told us to come here." Draco said.

".. Oh... ok. Well, I'm not entirely sorry to say that I can't read it." Tom smirked evilly.

Minerva groaned and slapped her forehead. She'd spent an entire day questioning idiots and inanimate objects about a NOTE. And now they had this huge party of inanimate objects and idiots, and now she just *KNEW* they were going to be joined by MORE idiots and inanimate objects.

Then the blade of grass burst into flames.

"But, I know who CAN." Tom added.

"NOO!!! NOT MORE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT MORE!!" Minerva cried, running into a wall.

"... Um.. ok. Anyhow, Sir Fuzzledegook the Two-Thousand-Twenty-Third-And-One-Tenth will know." Tom said.

"... Who?" Sirius asked.

"Sir Fuzzledegook!! DUH." Tom exclaimed.

With that, a purple cat flew in.

"... A purple cat. I should have known." McGonagall sighed.

"Jah, I can read this! It's Leet! I can't believe I'm the only.. um.. being.. out of all of you that can read this." Sir Fuzzledegook shook his head.

"... Wait.. don't you only speak backwards Italian?" Harry asked.

".... NO POINTING OUT PLOT HOLES!" Sir Fuzzledegook exclaimed.

"Erm.. ok." Harry blinked.

"Anyhow, the note says:

Dear Professor Snape,

I have stolen your precious sand collection! To get it back hand over Hogwarts' supply of koolaid within the next twenty-four hours.

~Anonymous" Sir Fuzzledegook translated.

"... .... NOT THE KOOLAID!!!" Sirius exclaimed, sobbing.

"... What the hell...?" McGonagalled blinked.

"IT'S MY ONLY FRIIIEEEND!!" Sirius sobbed more.

"... Wait... what am I? Your pet dog?!" Remus exclaimed.

".... Sure, I've always wanted a pet!" Sirius grinned.

"..... ..... ... ... I now hate you." Remus sighed.

"Great! I have an enemy now!" Sirius exclaimed happily.

".. But.. what about me?! You're supposed to hate me!!" Tom exclaimed.

"Nah, you're cool." Sirius said.

Tom screamed. "NO!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME!!! DAMNIT!!! Must... try.. harder!!"

"... Ok, let's just get the koolaid, give it to the stupid whoever, and get this over with." McGonagall muttered.

"NO!!! THE KOOLAID IS MY FRIEND!!" Sirius sobbed louder.

"Hmm.. this thief is clever." Dumbledore stated.

"... No he's not!! HE'S AN IDIOT!! HE STOLE SAND!! AND ALL HE WANTS IT KOOLAID!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!" Minerva exclaimed.

"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SAND?!" Snape sobbed.

"Minerva, if you're going to be bitter, you can leave. We can function fine without you." Dumbledore stated.

"THANKYOU!!" McGonagall exclaimed, and attempted to leave.

"Minerva, I wasn't being serious. Stay or get fired." Dumbledore said.

".. Damn." Minerva sighed.

Then the broom spontaneously combusted.

"I suggest we go into the chamber of secrets for no apparent reason, with all the koolaid, but then fight whoever to the death to save the koolaid, and then save Snape's collection of wonderfully green colored sand. Then we can all make toast and sing kumbaya!" Draco exclaimed.

Everyone stared at him.

"Excellent idea, Mr. Malfoy!" Dumbledore exclaimed, everyone sans McGonagall nodded, and off they went.

"... I am not singing Kumbaya when this is over. I refuse. I don't care if I lose my job. I AM NOT SINGING KUMBAYA!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"You're being selfish, Professor. This is about the SAND. For the good of the SAND." Hermione said.

"... .... ... ... I will not threaten a student.. I will not threaten a student.. I will not threaten a student..." McGonagall murmured.

And thus, the entered the chamber of secrets. ... On the way, Moaning Myrtle spontaneously combusted. But she's a ghost, so you know, she's ok.

Then, a booming voice anounced;

"DO YOU HAVE THE KOOLAID?!"

"Yes! We have it!! Now hand over the sand!!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Yes, WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SAND?!" Snape yelled for no apparent reason.

Ron ran into the wall because he was feeling ignored.

The booming voice answered.

"EXCELLENT! BRING IT HERE!"

"Give us the sand first!" Dumbledore commanded.

"FINE!"

The voice answered, and the sand magically appeared out of nowhere. HUZZAH!

"YOINK!" Ron exclaimed, grabbing the sand and ran.

Sirius grabbed the koolaid (which mysteriously appeared in his hands out of nowhere due to the plot hole) and ran.

"HEY... WAIT!!! NOOOO!!! MY KOOLAID!!!" The voice boomed.

"Face it, you're a lousy thief. Now reveal yourself!!!" Hermione commanded.

A toaster walked (... how the toaster can walk? It's the powers of plot holeness) out of the shadows.

"... ... NO!! TOASTER!! I LOVED YOU!!" Harry sobbed.

"I did it for you, Harry!! The green sand is REALLY blue sand!!! YOUR blue sand!! The very same from your collection that got stolen two months ago! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SAND?!" The toaster exclaimed. Harry gasped.

"It's not true!!" Snape exclaimed. McGonagall sighed as Ron ran into another wall to get attention.

"This is ridiculous..." Minerva sighed.

"There's only one way to find out.... Sirius! Bring back the koolaid!" Dumbledore anounced.

Sirius randomly appeared with the koolaid, as Trelawney's pet rock burst into flames.

"I predict that my beloved pet rock will burst into flames. ... OMG!!! ROCKY!! NOOOOOOO!!! DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEE!!" Trelawney exclaimed. She probably felt neglected as well. But hey, it's not my fault I decided to bring in a bunch of characters who must now remain silent due to the fact that I forget they're there and there's not really anything for them to say.

Of course, everyone ignored this, because no one cares about Trelawney. Too bad, really.

"Naturally, due to Koolaid's acidic nature, if we pour some on a sample of the sand, any green paint will dissolve, reveal the sand's true color!" Dumbledore explained.

"... As much as I hate koolaid, I don't think it's acidic..." McGonagall blinked.

"Tch. Would somebody PLEASE THINK OF THE SAND?!" Snape demanded.

"YEAH! SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SAND! THE SAND!!!" Harry exclaimed.

And thus, Remus mixed up the koolaid and poured some on some of the sand...

The paint dissolved... and revealed blue.

BUT THEN!

The blue dissolved.. and revealed red!

Ron gasped. "HARRY!!! Is that... MY RED SAND?!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry stared on in horror. "Ron! It's not what it looks like!" Harry cried.

"YOU STOLE MY SAND!!" Ron sobbed.

But then, the red dissolved and revealed... YELLOW!

"WEASLEY!!! THAT'S MY YELLOW SAND, ISN'T IT?!" Draco exclaimed.

".. Whoops.. forgot about that." Ron sweatdropped.

And then... the yellow dissolved and revealed.. BLACK!

"Hey... is that my top secret black sand of certain DOOM?! MALFOY!!!" McGonagall exclaimed.

Then the black dissolved and revealed purple.

"PROFESSOR!" Hermione cried.

And the purple dissolved and revealed... green.

"HA!! YOU SEE!!! IT WAS MINE ALL ALONG!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Snape exclaimed.

And the Koolaid stopped dissolving the color, so the TRUE color the Koolaid was revealed to INDEED be green!

".. Wait.. does this mean Hermione's the one who stole the sand?" Sirius asked.

".. I think so." Ron blinked. Snape started chasing Hermione, but then she ran into a wall, and with Snape in hot pursuit, he ran into the wall as well. They both passed out.

"Hmm.. well, this is quite a mystery indeed." Dumbledore commented.

"What's so mysterious about it? Miss Granger stole Severus's sand, and I stole Miss Granger's sand, and Malfoy stole my sand, and Weasley stole Malfoy's sand, and Potter stole Weasley's sand, Severus stole Potter's sand, and then the toaster stole Severus's sand. What's so confusing about that?" McGonagall asked.

"Well, one of my hobbies include painting sand odd colors and then stashing them. So you see... that means you all stole the sand from me." Dumbledore smiled.

". . . That makes no sense." McGonagalled sighed, as the sand burst into flames.

"Does it not make any sense, Minerva, or does it make all the sense in the world?" Dumbledore asked mysteriously.

"... It makes no sense." McGonagall said with utmost certainty.

"... You're really no fun to talk to, Minerva." Dumbledore sighed, as the koolaid spontaneously combusted.

"NOOOOOOOO!! KOOLAID!! DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEEE!!" Sirius sobbed.

"I predict the koolaid will mysteriously burst into flames." Trelawney said.

".. Shut up, Treelawn." Sirius muttered, as Trelawney's shoe burst into flames.

"I also predict my shoe will burst into flames." Trelawney added.

"You're annoying, you know that?" Sirius asked, as Dobby's sock burst into flames.

"Hey... isn't that Remus's toaster?" Ron asked.

Remus examined the toaster. "Why yes.. yes it IS!" He exclaimed in shock.

Somewhere, Gilderoy Lockhart burst into flames.

"NOO! TOASTER! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!" Harry cried.

The toaster looked really nervous and scared.

And then spontaneously combusted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Remus and Harry exclaimed in unison.

"Now that the thief has been properly dealt with..." Dumbledore started.

"... Sir? Technically... aren't all of us thieves? Not just the toaster?" Minerva asked.

"Never trust toasters bearing sand." Dumbledore said gravely.

Minerva blinked, and a grain of sand somewhere in the chamber burst into flames.

"That makes no sense..." She sighed. The grain of sand next to the previous one spontaneously combusted.

"You're being repetitive today, Minerva." Dumbledore stated.

"Indeed." Minerva mumbled.

"And I find that they key to being redundant, is the key to being redundant. And repetitive." Dumbledore added.

"... Sir.. you're scaring me." Minerva blinked.

"... I'm feeling neglected..." Crabbe whimpered.

Goyle nodded, as his hair burst into flames. He ran from the room screaming.

And no one noticed.

"Well then," Dumbledore clapped his hands together, "now that everything's settled, who's up for flaming sand cake?!" He exclaimed.

Everyone sans Minerva exclaimed "Yes!" happily.

So everyone went to the Great Hall to eat flaming sand cake.

And the author spontaneously burst into flames.

THE END.

***************

Verie: ... o.O; yet another challenge fic from me! 0.0; I challenged myself... and I actually semi-managed it. Gaspness. If you've read that other one of my fics, the one where Harry marries the toaster, then this might make more sense. But since it's not supposed to make sense, that's a bad thing. :P R/R.