Chapter 1

Shepard watched the dark haired biotic walk across the mess hall. Kaidan's ass was almost as much a legend as her own exploits. She let out a wistful sigh, it looked good enough to bite, unfortunately, she hadn't even had a chance to grope it since she'd recovered from her injuries. In fact it was damn near impossible to pin Kaidan down lately. A wave of guilt hit her; here she was whining about the lack of Kaidan's attention when so many had died. Earth was going to take a long time to be rebuilt along with the other planets that the Reapers had destroyed. Shepard thought back to the apartment she'd briefly had on the Citadel. Of course that was all gone now, along with the thousands of lives destroyed in a heartbeat.

It wasn't the loss of the apartment that bothered her,it was the fact that it had been given to her by her long time friend and mentor David Anderson. She felt her eyes sting and quickly blinked them away. The loss of Anderson was going to take a long time to get over. She scrubbed a hand over her face, another day or so and they would be at Omega, then she could take the time to grieve for her friends, probably alone, considering how Kaidan was acting. Admiral Hackett had ordered them to take a week's leave after their fight against the Reapers, an order most of the crew were happy to follow. Shepard would have felt better being on Earth, helping in whatever way she could. Though perhaps it couldn't hurt to get some peace and quiet, maybe get a handle on the nightmares that haunted her.

Due to helping Aria retake Omega, the crime boss had offered Shepard and her crew some very high class apartments to stay in while they relaxed, so at least they were all going to have somewhere nice to stay. Though Shepard had doubts as to whether Omega could ever be relaxing.

She walked past the med-bay where Doctor Chakwas was going through her medical inventory. Looking up she gave Shepard a warm smile and a nod. Ever the courteous and correct Doctor, well except when they were drinking Serrice Ice Brandy; that stuff packed a hell of a kick, and the good Doctor became a little less formal under its influence. Moving down the centre aisle, Shepard checked the main battery room to see if her long time turian friend was around. Rather than being bent over a system doing his usual calibrations, Garrus was instead bent over his little quarian. Tali spotted her first, just as Shepard was deciding whether to back out of the room and give them some privacy. She pushed at Garrus as she struggled to get in an upright position. "Commander, I'm sorry we were just... er..."

Garrus spun around at the mention of Shepard's title, almost dropping Tali in the process. Thankfully his quick reflexes saved her from a bruised bottom. Well, maybe it wasn't completely free of bruises, seeing as Garrus had been gripping that part of Tali's body when Shepard had walked in.

"Getting reacquainted?" Shepard helpfully filled in the end of Tali's unfinished sentence, a knowing smile on her face. Garrus cleared his throat. "Something like that. I'm guessing you've been doing the same with Kaidan."

Shepard forced a smile on her face. "Of course. Well I'll leave you both to continue your reunion." The Commander turned quickly and moved back to the doors, feeling the watchful eyes of Garrus burning into her back. Damn the turian for being so observant and for knowing her so well. She hoped that Tali would distract him so she could make her escape. She picked up the pace and made it through the doors, sighing with relief as they slid shut behind her.

She continued touring the ship, checking in on Liara, an excellent friend and of course a great source of information. Shepard shook her head slightly as she left Liara's cabin chuckling. Liara was over the moon that Javik had agreed to help her write a book on the Protheans. It was good to see Liara still taking an interest in her archaeology, rather than being swamped by her role as the Shadow Broker. Who would have thought when they met a few years ago that the seemingly timid asari would become the all powerful Shadow Broker? Shepard let out a laugh; after everything she'd seen, that was the one thing that surprised her.

Stopping at the memorial that showed the names of fallen crew members, she took a moment to run a hand along the newest plaque. Admiral David Anderson. Her eyes moved up the list of names:

Thane Krios. The drell had been poetry in motion when he fought. He'd always seemed a contradiction in terms; an assassin who prayed for his victims as much as himself.

Mordin Solus, a brilliant scientist, with an excellent singing voice. Shepard chuckled upon remembering his rendition of Gilbert and Sullivan's song. The salarian had been deadly with a weapon, and a genius in the tech lab.

Ashley Williams, the woman had been a good friend, someone who Shepard could always rely on for a straight answer, fiercely loyal to her crew mates and one hell of a soldier.

Legion, the most unexpected friendship. A geth, not one of those controlled by the Reapers, but one of the geth who had stayed true to their original nature. He'd taught Shepard a lot about the Morning War. In the end he'd been invaluable in the fight by freeing the heretic geth from control of the Reapers who had then joined Shepard's ever growing army.

Then there was Anderson. He had backed her every step of the way; he'd been a mentor and a father figure, but most of all, he'd been a true friend. His bravery was legendary, and Shepard could only be thankful that she had at least been with him when he died.

Each one had died a hero's death, but that didn't lessen the pain in any way. Each death had caused a part of her soul to die. Only Kaidan had been her saving grace through the fight against the Reapers. He had held her after each death, comforted her with words and sometimes more. But since she'd returned to the ship, bruised and battered, he had withdrawn from her. He'd been polite of course, as befitting one officer to his Commander, but that was it. There had been no sneaky trips to her quarters, no flirting in the hallways. She missed it... she missed him, more than she wanted to admit to herself.

Shepard moved past the life support room where Thane had stayed during his time on the Normandy. On a whim, she walked inside, the room was silent, and dark now that Thane's presence was gone. For a brief second she could see him sitting there, his hands wrapped around the cup as she'd so often found him. "I can't do this anymore," Shepard whispered.

A rough voice broke the silence. "Do you mean that?"
Startled, Shepard spun around, and gasped as her tender muscles protested at the sudden movement. She gritted her teeth, resting her hand on the table, trying not to show the pain. But Kaidan was there, his arm around her waist, holding her gently to him. For a moment, she took pleasure in just being in his arms again, but as the pain receded, reality set back in and Shepard took a step away from the temptation of Kaidan's body.

"Something I can do for you, Major Alenko?" It was cold, but no less so than his recent return to the use of her formal title. Hearing him call her Commander... well, that just hurt. But if that was the game he wanted to play, then she was good at catching on quickly.

Stupidly, she looked up at Kaidan as she spoke, and saw the flash of pain in his amber eyes. Part of her wanted that look of pain to be there - wanted him to know how she felt every time he distanced himself from her.

The Major's back straightened, "Nothing, thank you, Commander." Shepard could almost feel the bite Kaidan put in that last word. Suddenly, a memory emerged: Thane saying how much he appreciated the talks, and Shepard realising that he was lonely. In that moment, she knew that would be her if she didn't do something to fix this.

As she lifted her hand from the table she could have sworn she felt someone squeeze it, as if in encouragement; it felt suspiciously like the shape of a drell's hand.

"Kaidan, wait."

He came to a halt, his body stiff from the effort of holding back his emotions. He hadn't turned to face her, and she knew that he was only seconds away from walking out the door. She quickly closed the distance between them, knowing she had to say something, but no words came to mind. Instead, she reached out and touched his shoulder. The warmth of his body heated the palm of her hand as she quietly whispered, "Don't go."

He pivoted quickly, not giving Shepard time to step back, leaving their faces only a breath apart. For the space of a heartbeat, they stared at each other, the air between them heavy with tension, then their lips were joined. She wasn't sure who had kissed who, and right now she couldn't care less. Kaidan's lips were moving on hers, his tongue sliding in to taste and tease her. His hands wrapped around her waist as he lifted her, pushing her against the wall, his hips pressing urgently between her thighs. Shepard's arms slid around his neck, her hand stroking through the thick black hair that curled at the nape. Ah hell, she'd forgotten how good it felt to hold and be held by him.

Finally the need for oxygen caused them to separate, both gasping for air. Kaidan rested his forehead against Shepard's, one hand framing her face, the other resting on her hip.

"Shepard, we need to talk." His tone suggested this wasn't a conversation either of them would enjoy, which caused a cold fear to slice through her heart.

She nodded her agreement, unable to find any words at that moment. Kaidan stepped back and she missed his warmth immediately. Still, if his tone was anything to judge by, maybe she should start getting used to the cold. She heard the whoosh as the door slid open and realised Kaidan was already moving towards the lift. She swallowed back her fear and followed him. Once inside her cabin, she walked over and grabbed a bottle of TM88 Peruvian Whiskey, pouring out two fingers for both herself and Kaidan.

She handed him the glass, then took a seat on the sofa as she waited. Kaidan continued standing, and lifted his glass in a silent salute before taking a mouthful. Shepard did the same. Well, this wasn't awkward at all, and it really didn't bode well that Kaidan hadn't taken a seat. She took another gulp, not really doing justice to the whiskey, but right now, she had other things on her mind that trumped savouring the flavour.

In the end she couldn't stand it any longer. "So, what was it you wanted to say, Kaidan?" She knew of course, but she just couldn't get the words past her lips. She took another mouthful, disgusted at her own cowardice in skirting the issue.