I have saved thousands. I have saved whole planets. I have saved entire galaxies. But I could not save her. Staff blast to the chest. Her chest. My chest. Mine has definitely been hit. Cannot breath. Cannot feel. Cannot show weakness.

They ask me to speak at her memorial. Words. Meaningless words. Speak from your heart. My heart? My heart would have me court marshalled. Yet I cannot bring myself to spill out empty words. Cannot lie. Cover it up. Hide it. A dirty little secret.

But I cannot hide this anymore. Surely they all see it now. How can they not know? I am inconsolable. It hurts too much to hide it. To pretend.

Pretended for so long now. I have been making up excuses, lies and half truths my whole life. It has become a way of life now. Natural. We kept this hidden for too long.

That hurts too. No consolation to the widower. No respite. Just get back in. Just carry on. Make believe like nothing happened.

Thought I would die first. Spoke at length about the subject. It never crossed my mind she might die. Was it ignorance, or fear which kept the thoughts at bay?

I told Cassie. Had to tell her. She's my daughter too. Even in the eyes of the law. They thought nothing of it. Best friends. Just in case. She knew the truth though. She was part of the lie. I had to tell her. Had to see my daughter break. Knew there was nothing I could do to help. Is this how my own father felt?

Grief covers me like a thick blanket. Dulls out the world around me. Not real. Nothing's real. Can't be real. I won't let this be real.

I cannot feel anything. Numb. I saw it. I could do nothing to prevent it. And yet I cannot believe it. But I have to believe it.

When it hits, I'm in my lab. Having opened my emails I find the one she sent before my last mission. Nothing could hold back the floodgates. Raw emotion pours out. Anger. Hurt. Loss. Sadness. Betrayal. She said forever. She lied.

There is nothing there now but gut wrenching pain.

Nothing. Nothing to show for three years together. A few photos hidden under a bed. Fleeting memories. Nothing to show for our life. Nothing to remind me I once lived. She once lived. Just emptiness inside.

At the memorial I restrain myself. They cannot know. We worked so hard to hide this. I will not let her down.

No words will leave my mouth. Speak from the heart. My heart got me into this. Heart and mind I gave myself for her. My heart has gone. Lost forever with hers.

I stand there, looking at friends who know me not. They can never know me. Everything that I am, that I was, died with her. I am an empty shell.

I read the speech. The voice sounds hollow, empty. It is not mine.