Gobstoppers: Hey there! I'm writing another story but this is only one
chapter. *I hope* If you want me to continue I will. The story is kind of
weird but I like it. I bet you all know most *well all* of my stories are
sad or filled with such a horrible emotion. Well, I' may tell you way at
the end; anyways, on with the story.
~ ~ ^ * ^ ~ ~
I lay thinking of what it would be like to sleep with my mate peacefully. Yet, I do not know what it is like. I don't know what love is even though I have a mate. I want to feel something other than depression; something other than pain. Pain in which is given by something that is suppose to make you happy. Yet, for me it means endless nights of pain, suffering, depression, and rejection. It's just not right for me to fill this way about my mate and our relationship with him.
I think he might hate me forever now that I think of it. All he seems to do is yell at me. Whatever I do it never seems to please him in the right way. All he cares about is his schoolwork and his job. Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved... Ever.
~ ^ * ^ ~
I know my mate thinks I hate him. I don't! I love him more than the world itself and I would die for him. I just can't find anything to hate about him. He's beautiful, warm, kind, smart, gentle, sweat... Well, when he wants to be. I just can't find it in my heart to hate him. I thought that nothing would ever change that but they day I lost it proved me wrong.
*Flashback*
My mate and I were about to leave for a getaway and I wasn't in the brightest mood. Actually I was more hateful that ever. I, that day, had yelled at Hiei for something very, very, very small. I don't know why either. I knew Hiei hated me at that moment but that didn't seem to matter.
Anyway, everything was packed and ready to go for the big trip. Hiei was trying to open the door when it was locked. I was laughing at him making the matter worse.
"Hiei, the door is locked so stop trying to open it." I said as my laughter decreased to only giggles. Hiei only grunted and keep pulling on the car door. I sighed and closed my eyes. I enjoyed the warm summer sun on my face and the spring breeze blowing me hair around. Then I heard it. I loud, screech, of hinges tearing lose of other metal. I didn't want to open my eyes. I knew what it was but I forced one open any way.
What I saw took me by complete surprise. My car door was lying on the ground near HIS feet. He looked like he was about to cry. He looked at me with sorrow, and guileful eyes. I wanted to hold him and tell him that it was alright. Yet, my Youko side came out instead.
I stormed over to where Hiei was and looked at the damage. It was going to cost me a bundle. At least 6,000 dollars. I didn't have that much. I didn't even make that much with my job. I made about 5,000 a year but that soon went down to very little money after the taxes, insurances, bills, and georgics were paid. I was very, very, very pissed off. I looked from my car to Hiei. He looked frightened. Yet, I didn't seem to care.
"HIEI LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!" I shouted at him. He was now shaking with fear. I couldn't stop myself. I wasn't in control. It was... Youko.
"I'm...I.." He stammered trying to find the right words to say at this moment. Nothing happened for about two minuets until I yelled at him again.
"I FUCKEN TOLE YOU TO STOP TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR!!! DID YOU LISTEN?!!!?! NNOOOOOOOOOO! YOU HAD TO BE A SUBBERN JACK-ASS AND BREAK MY GOD DAMN DOOR!!!" Hiei only stared at me now with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was afraid... Afraid of what I might do to him. He knew my mother gave me this car before she passed away. That made him even guiltier.
"I'm sorry." Hiei whispered. I would have taken that but Youko pushed further. I didn't know why but it was like he wanted to see Hiei upset.
"SORRY?!!!?!!?! YOUR FUCKEN SORRY! YOU JUST TORE MY DOOR OF MY CAR AND YOUR SORRY?!!! HIEI THAT WAS MY MOTHER'S CAR... AND YOU TORE THE DOOR OFF FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS SORRY!!! SORRY ISN'T GOING TO REPAIR THE DOOR IS IT?!!!?!?!!" I screamed in complete rage. Hiei tried to take a step back but I stopped him.
"ANSWER ME! IS IT?!" I screamed in his face and he shook his head no.
"N-n-n-no." He answered in fear. The poor thing was even shaking. I wanted it to end right there but my Youko side did something I would never forget. I hit Hiei across the face. I hit him hard. He would have flown to the carpet but I held him in place. Hiei lifted a hand to his face and winced at the pain. I had left a very red hand mark on his face. More importantly, I had left a scar on his heart.
*End of Flashback*
I told Hiei to leave that day and to never return. I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. When I had told Yukina what happened she never wanted to speak to me again. I understood on how she felt. Hiei was never coming back. Not to see her, to see me, to see Yuskue, or anybody. I had asked around and none have seen them.
I finally told my friends what happened and they all shouted at me and wanted nothing to do with me. I knew that but I was never going to give up on Hiei. I wanted to hold him and tell him how sorry I am.
Soon, word got around to my school and my teachers, my friends; my reputation went up in smoke. No one wanted to be with me or have anything to do with me. When we had to do group assignments I was always left out of things. I was given bad grades just because my teachers all hated me for what I had done. I would now come home and go straight to my room and cry. I would cry all night for the things I had done. I wouldn't eat. I stop talking to others. I had painted my room black and got rid of everything that I had once loved.
I had shout down to the world and had become as cold as a glacier. I wouldn't let anyone in my heart or close to me. I was afraid I would be hurt again.. Wait! Who am I kidding? I didn't want to hurt anybody else. I, from that day, wanted nothing but death to hurry up and claim me. I had become a different person in only a few short weeks. I had no desire to do things with others. I would stay locked away in my room and would stare out my window waiting for Hiei to come back to me.
Yukina came over to see how I was doing. I didn't say anything to her. I just sat and stared out my window waiting for Hiei. She said she had forgiven me because that was her brother's wish. Yet, I still made no attempt to talk. She soon left after many tries. Not long after Yukina forgave me my friends did too. They all came to me and said they had gotten a letter from Hiei telling them to forgive me. Yet, I still sat there and waited for Hiei to return. Yuskue said that Hiei told him to tell me to move on. That he was giving what Kurama wanted.
It broke my heart to hear that my friends had all received a letter from Hiei but not me. I guess all I really have left is loneness left in my life. I'd had dropped out of school and became depressed as ever. I now wore black. I had painted my nails black and my eyes are no longer bright and graceful but dull and lifeless. My friends all worried about me greatly. I would just shove them away and tell them I wanted to be alone. They did leave me alone. Everyday they would ask me if I was alright but the truth is I was never alright. I was hurting deep done in my heart.
It wasn't until my suicide attempt that they knew something was horrible wrong with me. They tried talking to me about why I had done it. I would just stare out the window and not answer. The doctors had no choice but to send me to a mental institution. I didn't care where I went as long as I could look outside. Which I was aloud.
I would sit by the window looking out at the garden watching the Sukura trees bloom and sway in the spring time breeze. My friends would come and visit me. They'd tell about how the week has gone or how they miss me. They seemed liked they wanted me back to the happy Kurama. I would sigh and ignore them. I'd watch a blue jay flay from its nest up into the beautiful sky. Letting people know that she was there. She would fly gracefully telling the people below that she was meant to be heard. That she was there and not ready to give up yet. She was voicing herself. Letting her self be heard. Somehow, that's what I wanted.
All my friends came and wish me a happy birthday. I didn't know what was so happy about it. I wanted to be free like the blue jay and fly away. Yet, I was stuck in this cage.. A cage that held me from my freedom to the world beyond these white padded room walls. My friends what I really wanted to be happy.
"We only want you to be happy." Yuskue told me. I didn't bother to look at him. I was busy watching the blue jay spread its wings and fly high above the city. I never knew why it came back.
"Then let me go." I said in a whispered catching them all off guard. They tried to understand what I was talking about. Then they looked out the window I was looking out of and say the same blue jay getting ready for a take off. They all looked at me and saw something I didn't have in my eyes for a long, long time. I had passion. Passion to be let go so I can be set free and be heard.
Soon after I had said that Yuskue stop coming. Then Yukina, followed by Genki and soon everybody stop all at once. They would write me here and there but I never really cared. I only cared for Hiei and he told me to move on. I tried but I could never get over him. He was my world, my life, my love, my passion, my wisdom, my courage, he was my everything. He was even.. my voice.
I saw him once. He was sitting out in a Sakura tree watching the world go by. I looked shocked to see him. He was smiling even though I was watching him. He knew I was watching him and he looked up. His face saddened to see me in here. I wasn't smiling. I was only watching him smile and move around. Just like that he was gone again. Leaving me alone; alone in this unwanted prison I am forced to call home. I miss Hiei so much that it still hurts.
That was three years ago. Those three years have been cold and harsh. I was forced to talk to someone so I can get better. I went there but I never talked. I would look out the window. My 'helper' would sigh and try to see what I'm staring at. He never wanted to get up hope on me. Hoping that one day I will become better and I'll talk about all of my problems. I never did get better.
"Kurama, what do you really, really, want in life?" Dr. Samson asked me as he looked at the sky. We were outside. It had been the first time I had been out of the sickening place for six years now. I was now at the age of twenty-one. I was put in the institution at the age of fifth teen. Such a young age to go crazy.
"To be heard." Was all I said as I watched the Blue Jay fly away one last time into the clear, bright, beautiful, sunny, sky. That's all I ever wanted. To be heard. I wanted people to here my story. To feel such emotion I am feeling right now. What emotion you may be asking? It's quit simple really. I'm feeling misunderstood and that's all you need to know.
~ ~ ^ * ^ ~ ~
I lay thinking of what it would be like to sleep with my mate peacefully. Yet, I do not know what it is like. I don't know what love is even though I have a mate. I want to feel something other than depression; something other than pain. Pain in which is given by something that is suppose to make you happy. Yet, for me it means endless nights of pain, suffering, depression, and rejection. It's just not right for me to fill this way about my mate and our relationship with him.
I think he might hate me forever now that I think of it. All he seems to do is yell at me. Whatever I do it never seems to please him in the right way. All he cares about is his schoolwork and his job. Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved... Ever.
~ ^ * ^ ~
I know my mate thinks I hate him. I don't! I love him more than the world itself and I would die for him. I just can't find anything to hate about him. He's beautiful, warm, kind, smart, gentle, sweat... Well, when he wants to be. I just can't find it in my heart to hate him. I thought that nothing would ever change that but they day I lost it proved me wrong.
*Flashback*
My mate and I were about to leave for a getaway and I wasn't in the brightest mood. Actually I was more hateful that ever. I, that day, had yelled at Hiei for something very, very, very small. I don't know why either. I knew Hiei hated me at that moment but that didn't seem to matter.
Anyway, everything was packed and ready to go for the big trip. Hiei was trying to open the door when it was locked. I was laughing at him making the matter worse.
"Hiei, the door is locked so stop trying to open it." I said as my laughter decreased to only giggles. Hiei only grunted and keep pulling on the car door. I sighed and closed my eyes. I enjoyed the warm summer sun on my face and the spring breeze blowing me hair around. Then I heard it. I loud, screech, of hinges tearing lose of other metal. I didn't want to open my eyes. I knew what it was but I forced one open any way.
What I saw took me by complete surprise. My car door was lying on the ground near HIS feet. He looked like he was about to cry. He looked at me with sorrow, and guileful eyes. I wanted to hold him and tell him that it was alright. Yet, my Youko side came out instead.
I stormed over to where Hiei was and looked at the damage. It was going to cost me a bundle. At least 6,000 dollars. I didn't have that much. I didn't even make that much with my job. I made about 5,000 a year but that soon went down to very little money after the taxes, insurances, bills, and georgics were paid. I was very, very, very pissed off. I looked from my car to Hiei. He looked frightened. Yet, I didn't seem to care.
"HIEI LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!" I shouted at him. He was now shaking with fear. I couldn't stop myself. I wasn't in control. It was... Youko.
"I'm...I.." He stammered trying to find the right words to say at this moment. Nothing happened for about two minuets until I yelled at him again.
"I FUCKEN TOLE YOU TO STOP TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR!!! DID YOU LISTEN?!!!?! NNOOOOOOOOOO! YOU HAD TO BE A SUBBERN JACK-ASS AND BREAK MY GOD DAMN DOOR!!!" Hiei only stared at me now with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was afraid... Afraid of what I might do to him. He knew my mother gave me this car before she passed away. That made him even guiltier.
"I'm sorry." Hiei whispered. I would have taken that but Youko pushed further. I didn't know why but it was like he wanted to see Hiei upset.
"SORRY?!!!?!!?! YOUR FUCKEN SORRY! YOU JUST TORE MY DOOR OF MY CAR AND YOUR SORRY?!!! HIEI THAT WAS MY MOTHER'S CAR... AND YOU TORE THE DOOR OFF FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS SORRY!!! SORRY ISN'T GOING TO REPAIR THE DOOR IS IT?!!!?!?!!" I screamed in complete rage. Hiei tried to take a step back but I stopped him.
"ANSWER ME! IS IT?!" I screamed in his face and he shook his head no.
"N-n-n-no." He answered in fear. The poor thing was even shaking. I wanted it to end right there but my Youko side did something I would never forget. I hit Hiei across the face. I hit him hard. He would have flown to the carpet but I held him in place. Hiei lifted a hand to his face and winced at the pain. I had left a very red hand mark on his face. More importantly, I had left a scar on his heart.
*End of Flashback*
I told Hiei to leave that day and to never return. I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. When I had told Yukina what happened she never wanted to speak to me again. I understood on how she felt. Hiei was never coming back. Not to see her, to see me, to see Yuskue, or anybody. I had asked around and none have seen them.
I finally told my friends what happened and they all shouted at me and wanted nothing to do with me. I knew that but I was never going to give up on Hiei. I wanted to hold him and tell him how sorry I am.
Soon, word got around to my school and my teachers, my friends; my reputation went up in smoke. No one wanted to be with me or have anything to do with me. When we had to do group assignments I was always left out of things. I was given bad grades just because my teachers all hated me for what I had done. I would now come home and go straight to my room and cry. I would cry all night for the things I had done. I wouldn't eat. I stop talking to others. I had painted my room black and got rid of everything that I had once loved.
I had shout down to the world and had become as cold as a glacier. I wouldn't let anyone in my heart or close to me. I was afraid I would be hurt again.. Wait! Who am I kidding? I didn't want to hurt anybody else. I, from that day, wanted nothing but death to hurry up and claim me. I had become a different person in only a few short weeks. I had no desire to do things with others. I would stay locked away in my room and would stare out my window waiting for Hiei to come back to me.
Yukina came over to see how I was doing. I didn't say anything to her. I just sat and stared out my window waiting for Hiei. She said she had forgiven me because that was her brother's wish. Yet, I still made no attempt to talk. She soon left after many tries. Not long after Yukina forgave me my friends did too. They all came to me and said they had gotten a letter from Hiei telling them to forgive me. Yet, I still sat there and waited for Hiei to return. Yuskue said that Hiei told him to tell me to move on. That he was giving what Kurama wanted.
It broke my heart to hear that my friends had all received a letter from Hiei but not me. I guess all I really have left is loneness left in my life. I'd had dropped out of school and became depressed as ever. I now wore black. I had painted my nails black and my eyes are no longer bright and graceful but dull and lifeless. My friends all worried about me greatly. I would just shove them away and tell them I wanted to be alone. They did leave me alone. Everyday they would ask me if I was alright but the truth is I was never alright. I was hurting deep done in my heart.
It wasn't until my suicide attempt that they knew something was horrible wrong with me. They tried talking to me about why I had done it. I would just stare out the window and not answer. The doctors had no choice but to send me to a mental institution. I didn't care where I went as long as I could look outside. Which I was aloud.
I would sit by the window looking out at the garden watching the Sukura trees bloom and sway in the spring time breeze. My friends would come and visit me. They'd tell about how the week has gone or how they miss me. They seemed liked they wanted me back to the happy Kurama. I would sigh and ignore them. I'd watch a blue jay flay from its nest up into the beautiful sky. Letting people know that she was there. She would fly gracefully telling the people below that she was meant to be heard. That she was there and not ready to give up yet. She was voicing herself. Letting her self be heard. Somehow, that's what I wanted.
All my friends came and wish me a happy birthday. I didn't know what was so happy about it. I wanted to be free like the blue jay and fly away. Yet, I was stuck in this cage.. A cage that held me from my freedom to the world beyond these white padded room walls. My friends what I really wanted to be happy.
"We only want you to be happy." Yuskue told me. I didn't bother to look at him. I was busy watching the blue jay spread its wings and fly high above the city. I never knew why it came back.
"Then let me go." I said in a whispered catching them all off guard. They tried to understand what I was talking about. Then they looked out the window I was looking out of and say the same blue jay getting ready for a take off. They all looked at me and saw something I didn't have in my eyes for a long, long time. I had passion. Passion to be let go so I can be set free and be heard.
Soon after I had said that Yuskue stop coming. Then Yukina, followed by Genki and soon everybody stop all at once. They would write me here and there but I never really cared. I only cared for Hiei and he told me to move on. I tried but I could never get over him. He was my world, my life, my love, my passion, my wisdom, my courage, he was my everything. He was even.. my voice.
I saw him once. He was sitting out in a Sakura tree watching the world go by. I looked shocked to see him. He was smiling even though I was watching him. He knew I was watching him and he looked up. His face saddened to see me in here. I wasn't smiling. I was only watching him smile and move around. Just like that he was gone again. Leaving me alone; alone in this unwanted prison I am forced to call home. I miss Hiei so much that it still hurts.
That was three years ago. Those three years have been cold and harsh. I was forced to talk to someone so I can get better. I went there but I never talked. I would look out the window. My 'helper' would sigh and try to see what I'm staring at. He never wanted to get up hope on me. Hoping that one day I will become better and I'll talk about all of my problems. I never did get better.
"Kurama, what do you really, really, want in life?" Dr. Samson asked me as he looked at the sky. We were outside. It had been the first time I had been out of the sickening place for six years now. I was now at the age of twenty-one. I was put in the institution at the age of fifth teen. Such a young age to go crazy.
"To be heard." Was all I said as I watched the Blue Jay fly away one last time into the clear, bright, beautiful, sunny, sky. That's all I ever wanted. To be heard. I wanted people to here my story. To feel such emotion I am feeling right now. What emotion you may be asking? It's quit simple really. I'm feeling misunderstood and that's all you need to know.