A/N: There are some bad dry humor jokes, blunt sexual innuendos, cursing, intentional grammar mistakes for characterization, and outrageous characters exaggerations in a poor attempt at humor (probably borderline crack) so enjoy if you like that kind of stuff and if not then you have been warned. Also this did not have a beta reader so any mistakes (intentional or not) are my own.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Inspired by Saphura's Official List of Unofficial Rules and Mockingeagle's The Enterprise Rules. Both stories are funny and should be checked out if you love the idea of the Enterprise requiring special rules for its crew.
Rules and Chaos
S has logged on.
Forum Administrator: First Officer Lieutenant Commander Spock (S)
Invitees: Captain James T. Kirk (JTK), Chief Medical Officer Dr. Leonard McCoy (LM), Chief Engineer Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott (MS), Communications Officer Lieutenant Nyota Uhura (NU), Helmsman Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu (HS), and Navigator Ensign Pavel Chekov (PC)
Subject: Rules
As the U.S.S. Enterprise crew is comprised mostly of new recruits, I have received permission from the Captain to set up this forum in order to come up with rules to enforce the safety of the crew and secure an increased efficiency for the ship.
S: Rule 1: The Prime Directive must be followed at all times.
S: Rule 2: The Captain and First Officer cannot be on an away mission at the same time.
JTK has logged on.
S: Rule 3: Only people authorized by Starfleet Command are permitted access to the bridge.
JTK: Rule 4: rule one is optional for the Enterprise.
JTK: so are rules 2 and 3
S: I do not believe that these rules were written with the intent of being "optional."
JTK: that was a joke
JTK: kind of
S: I do not find that humorous.
JTK: lighten up spock ;)
NU has logged on.
S: As Vulcan anatomy is not designed to produce light for any practical purpose, it is not logical that I "lighten up."
JTK: omg Uhura help me out here
NU: It is an idiom that means that the person addressed needs to relax.
S: Indeed.
S: I do not believe that I am in an "unrelaxed" state.
JTK: *facepalm*
NU: What the Captain is attempting to say is that-
JTK: enough with the human Standard lesson already.
JTK: Rule 5: All cross cultural lessons are to take place in the officer's own time.
S: As the mission of this vessel is to establish new relationships with other species, part of our job description would be to have a comprehensive understanding of other cultures.
JTK: Amendment to rule 5: All cross cultural lessons that are not related to the mission at hand in the ensign/officer's own time.
JTK: better?
S: I do not believe that either incarnation of Rule 5 have sufficient logic behind them to be considered a practical rule.
PC has logged on.
JTK: as the captain I believe that I have the fina-
PC: Rule 6: There shall be no more ruffling of my hair. I swear if one more perso-
JTK: Rule 7: Subordinate officers will not interrupt their commanding officers.
PC: Sorry sir but-
HS has logged on.
HS: hey guys what is going on?
PC: nothing mu-
NU: Hello, Sulu. Glad you could join us.
JTK: :D Karla's a bitch
S: Are you referring to Ensign Davis? If so-
JTK: *karma
JTK: stupid autocorrect
S: Another idiom I presume.
PC: karma was invent-
HS: hey Uhura.
PC: -_-
JTK: ROFL
HS: What is this forum for anyway?
S: As stated at the beginning of the document, we were endeavoring to establish basic rules to enforce the safety of the crew and secure an increased efficiency for the ship when this chaos ensued.
HS: I have some rules that I would like to have enforced.
S: I believe your Earth phrase is "by all means."
HS: Rule 8: Personnel under the age of eighteen are not allowed to fly the Enterprise.
PC: Hey
HS: when you can drive a car you can drive a Starship
PC: I can drive a car
JTK: not legally. I second rule 8. Based on personal experience I can tell you that kids and driving don't mix well.
NU: what happened?
JTK: let's just say that a '65 Chevy Corvette convertible ended up at the bottom of a canyon
NU: Let me guess, you were driving.
JTK: No comment
PC: Rule 9: there shall be no discrimination of a person based on age
HS: it's not discrimination. More like self-preservation
JTK: nice one
HS: thank you sir
PC: This is obviously age discrimination. Uhura back me up on this
NU: Rule 10: I will not be the tie breaker for personal conflicts.
S: As the dispute was two to one, you would not be the "tie breaker" since there was no tie to break.
NU: Thank you for that clarification, Spock.
PC: you guys suck
JTK: only after a third date
NU: That is disgusting.
JTK: I meant on a lollipop
HS: sure you did
NU: Rule 11: Low browed Iowan hicks are no longer allowed to make innuendos.
JTK: hey I object to being called low browed. I happen to have a very nice brow
NU: *rolls eyes*
NU: Rule 12: Keep all mirrors away from the captain as he will undeniably spend the rest of the day staring at himself instead of doing his job.
JTK: what is this make fun of the captain day?
HS: It appears so
JTK: :P
S: If that is indeed the case, it would be my duty to point out that the only word that the captain consistently capitalizes is "I."
HS: you are right :D
NU: Why am I not surprised?
JTK: what is that supposed to mean?
NU: Nothing, Captain.
NU: Rule 13: All officers should follow basic Standard grammar rules.
JTK: Rule 14: unless you are the captain
NU: Why you insufferab-
JTK: ly gallant captain. I know
NU: That was not-
JTK: you do realize that you should not be flirting with me when your boyfriend is right there :P
S: Nyota? Is this true?
NU: NO. I was NOT flirting. It was the Captain's lame attempt at a joke.
JTK: I believe the lady doth protest too much
NU: Kirk, I swear that I am going to kill you.
JTK: Rule 15: No death threats are to be issued to the Captain. Death threats to the First Officer are ok though.
NU: Rule 16: Death threats to the First Officer are not ok.
JTK: I take it that you guys have not had your first fight then. you'll be sorry for rule 16
NU: Our personal lives are none of your business Captain
JTK: tell that to the betting pools
NU: what!?
JTK: nothing
NU: Kirk-
JTK: brb there is something I have to take care of. Something about a possible incident in engineering.
NU: There is going to be an incident in the Captain's quarters
JTK: Is that a promise
NU: I hate you so much
JTK: love you too Nyota
S: Captain, the accident in engineering…
JTK: right ttyl
JTK is AFK.
S: Nyota, I fail to understand why you should regret Rule 16 when we get in a fight
NU: Don't worry about it.
LM has logged on.
HS: I would worry about it
LM: Rule 17: Neither the Starfleet officers or ensigns will spam the Chief Medical Officer with useless messages.
S: According to Rule 13, the wording of Rule 15 will need to be adjusted. Since you began the rule with the word "neither," the word "or" needs to be replaced with a "nor."
LM: Dammit man. I am a doctor not a grammatician
NU: That is not a word.
LM: Case and point
PC: I'm back
S: I do not believe that anyone was aware that you were absent
PC: :(
NU: Regardless, you should know at least the basic grammar rules of your own language.
LM: I'll show you basics. The basics of how fast I can put your pointy eared boyfriend into Sic-
HS: Rule 18: Any bickering shall not be allowed on the forum.
LM: Shut up Sulu
NU: Keep out of this Hikaru
PC: Rule 19: No ganging up on Sulu. Or Chekhov.
HS: Thanks Pavel
LM: I don't have time for this nonsense
LM is AFK.
PC: Us helmsmen need to stick together
HS: you still can't fly the Enterprise.
PC: Сын-
NU: Chekov!
PC: sorry Uhura.
NU: Rule 20: No cursing. In any language.
S: As "in any language" is a sentence fragment I would refer you to your own rule, Rule 13.
HS: Called out by the hubby
NU: 1) The sentence fragment was for emphasis. 2) He is not my "hubby"
HS: Uh huh
S: Nyota, what is a "hubby?"
NU: Don't worry about it.
S: That is the second time in two minutes that you have said that.
HS: Told you, you should be worried.
NU: Hikaru…
HS: I'm going to shut up now.
JTK is back online.
JTK: I'm back. what did I miss?
PC: The Enterprise's very own Cold War over grammar.
JTK: ? Ok?
S: It's nothing you need concern yourself with, Captain.
NU: Nothing at all
JTK: … Anyways…where are we on the rules
PC: I believe that we are on rule 19.
S: Actually we are on Rule 21.
PC: :P
LM is back online.
JTK: good I got a good one.
JTK: Rule 21: Do not use the tubes in engineering as a jungle gym
PC: what happened?
LM: The dumbasses were climbing on the tubes and nearly cracked their skulls open when they fell off
JTK: I take it that they showed up in med bay already
LM: Yeah. Since none of the idiots had a brain to concuss in the first place, I told Chapel to patch the damn fools up and send them back to engineering. Which reminds me…
LM: Rule 22: Don't come crying to me after you break open your goddamn head open after performing some asinine stunt
S: I believe that it is the responsibility of Sick Bay personnel to medically treat any being that sustains an injury aboard the Enterprise
LM: I know what my Goddamn job is you-
MS has logged on.
JTK: Perfect timing, Scotty. Just what were those crewmen doing climbing on the equipment like that?
MS: They were and I quote "trying to imitate the Captain"
LM: Jim…
JTK: what? I wasn't climbing on the tubes…recently
MS: And what may I ask were you climbing on the tubes for?
JTK: Well…it all started with this petite little blond engineer saying that she admired the way that Keenser could maneuver around the engineering rooms... and the rest is history
HS: What happened with the blond?
JTK: let's just say that she got to see how limber I really am
PC: How?
JTK: *facepalm*
HS: Don't worry about it Pavel. I'll explain it to you later
NU: He's only seventeen. The captain's exploits are at least an NA-17 rating.
JTK: only on off nights
NU: See what I mean.
HS: Point taken.
PC: Rule 9
LM: Kid, trust me you really don't want to know.
MS: Getting back on topic, Captain with all due respect if I ever catch you crawling around the tubes again or sniffing around one of my engineers I swear that not even Dr. McCoy could put you back together
JTK: Hey Scotty. go read Rule 15
MS: That is not a threat; it is a promise.
JTK: …in that case…consider your "request" duly noted
MS: good. It was nice chatting with you all.
MS has logged off.
JTK: Damn. I guess I have to call off my date for tonight. She was really hot too…Maybe if we-
LM: Don't expect me to patch you up if you insist on being a dumbass.
S: Dr. McCoy, as you were absent during the installment of this rule, please refer to Rule 20.
LM: I don't give a damn about your stupid rules
S: That is most illogical considering that you have already submitted several rules yourself
LM: You want rules here's one.
LM: Rule 23: Green blooded hobgoblins can take their logic and shove it
NU: McCoy!
LM: Damn hobgoblin doesn't feel anything anyway
S: That statement is inaccurate as hobgoblins do not exist.
LM: I was referring to you
S: I see
NU: Captain, I really must protest to this obvious xenophobia
JTK: Bones isn't xenophobic. He is anthropophagic.
LM: I DO NOT EAT PEOPLE
S: I believe the word you were meant to reference anthropophobia i.e. a fear of people
JTK: That too. But I stand by my first diagnosis still being accurate.
LM: Diagnosis my ass. A monkey would have a better chance at coming up with a diagnosis than you.
LM: Rule 24: Only certified medical officers are allowed to make any diagnosis on people's health.
JTK: yeah but a monkey would not be as nearly charming as your current captain
LM: Want to bet?
JTK: -_-
JTK: Bones you want to know something
LM: What's that?
JTK: You suck
LM: Nice come back.
HS: Hey, guys rule 18
JTK: You are right, Hikaru. We are mature adults and should act like such.
JTK: Rule 25: Bones is not allowed to act like a child.
LM: *rolls eyes* I've had enough of this.
LM has logged off.
JTK: And the winner is…*drum roll*-
NU: Neither of you because you are an idiot and McCoy would get in an argument with his own reflection if he could
JTK: If you cut me do I not bleed
NU: *sigh* I think McCoy had the right idea
NU has logged out.
S: I believe that I will also take this opportunity to depart.
JTK: What? why?
S: The conversation deteriorated into what one could call "meaningless drabbles" and no longer seems constructive in any fashion.
HS: I should go as well
JTK: Not you too
HS: Yeah I need to get a couple winks before my shift. I've been drifting in and out of sleep this whole time
JTK: Well I can't force you to stay-
S has logged out.
HS has logged out.
JTK: Damn. Well it looks like it is you and me, Pavel.
JTK: Pavel?
JTK: Well this sucks.
JTK has logged off.
Five minutes later.
PC: I'm back.
PC: Hello?
PC: Is anyone here?
PC: :,(
PC has logged out.
Thanks for reading. If you want to see more, to offer any critique, or even recommend a rule please feel free to leave a review.