Hey! I haven't posted anything since... Last time I posted something! It's been awhile... This is a oneshot I came up with eariler today. I WILL be continuing A Gift and Moon and Clouds (man was that one a while ago) at some point, hopefully soon. We have relatives over right now, so I get yelled out when I 'ignore' them to get on the computer. Oops...

Warnings - Very, very light one sided HPDM. That means this has very light, almost non-exsistent SLASH. That's right people, SLASH. So, since I put it nice caps, I expect you all to see it and not complain in a reveiw. Oh, and this is un-betaed because I just finished it. Sorries, I'm lazy.

Dedication - This story is devoted to all of us. After all, if we weren't all crazy, we would go insane. Also to Jimmy Buffet, for writing the line I just stole.

Other - There are four lines from the song Stage Fright by The Band in here somewhere for no real reason at all. I don't own them except on the three CDs I have with them on it. Just thought you should know they're there.

Disclaimer - Oh yes, I own Harry Potter. There'll be a great scandel when The Halfblood Prince comes out because homosexual relationships abound... I wish. If that happens, call me. For now, J.K. Rowling owns it and I'm stuck with fanfiction.

HPDMHPDMHPDM

Hello. I'm standing in front of my full length mirror making some final adjustments to my outfit before I go down to breakfast for the customary taunting of the Boy-Who-Lived. You might wonder why my appearance has any importance at the moment, but I would just shot back that I wonder why I'm talking to an invisible audience in my head.

I think my family has a history of insanity and it's catching up with me. Aunt Bellatrix, Uncle Sirius, Father; I'm destined for the nut house. I think that answers both our questions suitably, but I'll go into further explanation for your benefit.

Over the summer I came to the startling conclusion that my father is an idiot. I looked at all the facts and decided that I couldn't follow the example of someone crazy. At the time, I wasn't sure if I was talking about Voldemort or Father, so I resolved the issue by putting both their opinions in the same bin; Father only parroted Voldemort's anyway.

That evening at supper I told Mother and she said "That's nice," gave me a strawberry tart and a sickle for being a 'good boy'.

I'm starting to think she needs to go on the list of insane relatives. They're mostly from her side anyway.

Of course, Mother told Father and he confronted me on the issue. He said I was 'destined' to follow the Dark Lord and I was his heir, Damnit, I'd do as he said. I gave him the strawberry tart and the sickle, patted him on the head, and told him to be a good father and let me make my own decisions. He ate the tart and left.

There is something terribly wrong with my family.

Naturally, if I don't follow the Dark Moron, I follow Harry Potter. Why am I getting ready to make his life miserable? Well, it's all part of the plan. You see, Potter reminds me of a muggle song I heard once a long time ago. I never did find out the name of the song or who wrote it, Father destroyed the radio that was playing it in a panic and threw the remains in the fire place, but I remember parts of it.

See the man with the stage fright
Standing up there, he gives it all his might
He was caught in the spot light
But when he gets to the end, he wants to start all over again…

If you want to know how this fits in my plan, I haven't a clue; it just reminds me of the guy's situation. He got forced into this when he was a fucking baby for crying out loud; he didn't want to be famous, but he goes and tries to make everyone happy anyway! It's not fair. No one should have to go through that. He deserved at least a chance to be moderately normal, but the Dark Ninny took that away from him. That's where I come in.

You see, normal guys at Hogwarts have a rival. Someone they can insult, injure, and otherwise abuse with no hard feelings on either side. I play the role quite well. I distract the Boy Wonder from his life of predetermine problems and death threats and let him focus on something a little closer to par.

On top of that, with all these great expectations thrown on top of his head and the guilt trips he throws himself through, he needs someone to take the stress out on. I make a good target when I put my mind to it.

As for why I have to look good to be a punching bag; he's hot. Who wouldn't want to look good for that!

I give myself one last once-over and smirk. Perfect. I throw on my robe and saunter out of the dorms. Blaise and Pansy meet me in the common room, with Vince and Greg walking behind us as body guards; we're like some twisted team of super villains or something. Pansy latches onto my arm and chatters to Blaise about who's shagging who or something equally inane. We have to keep up pretenses, after all. They know my position regarding the Dark Loon and support me fully, though their parents don't know and wouldn't support it. Not that mine do… I think. I glare at some first year in the hall just to watch him scamper.

We reach the Entrance Hall without distraction (last week some Ravenclaw girl accused Pansy of shagging her boyfriend. She did, but not until later that day.) and I let a vicious smirk cross my face at our impeccable timing. Harry and his friends were hurrying down the stairs.

"Oh, look what we have here! It's Potty Wee Potter, Weasel be, and the Mudblood. Such a shame, it had been shaping out to be such a fine morning." I can't help but grin at them. My eyes never stray from Harry's face. No reaction; he must have had a bad night. Vince and Greg crack their knuckles, Pansy laughs, and Blaise… well, is Blaise. He just watches.

"Sod off, Malfoy." Granger sneers at me. Sneers! This is Ms. Priss herself! Must have been really bad… I chuckle and let my classic smirk widen.

"She's a clever girl, isn't she?" Sarcasm's an amazing weapon. Weasley bristles and lunges at me, while Harry and Granger grab his arms. I laugh and watch Harry's eyes darken. Now we're getting somewhere. You know, he's beautiful when he's angry…

"Leave, Malfoy." Harry's growls. I can see the muscle in his jaw work as he clenches and unclenches his jaw. He'll need to see a denti-wizard about that when he's older if he doesn't stop.

"And why should I? Because you told me to? Last time I checked, I still had just as much right to loiter as you, Scarhead." I change my smirk to a sneer and quit laughing. Pansy follows my lead and glares, clutching my arm possessively. I shake her off and take a step towards him. His lip curls in anger and I look down my nose at him. I'm about an inch or so taller and he won't forget it. I love his eyes…

"Well, I don't provoke everyone I see." He steps up to my challenge and moves forward as well. I make sure my face is emotionless except for my smirk. I could probably hug him he's standing so close. Would he take that the wrong way?

"Provoke? Me? I see no provocation." I grin easily as Pansy cracks up behind me. She's probably using Blaise as support. He won't mind.

"Well I do!" I blink in surprise as Weasley breaks away from Granger and lunges at me. I'd forgotten he was there… Vince steps in front of me easily and slams a fist into his stomach. I chuckle loudly when he flies across the room. I never did like him.

"Really, Potter." I step over beside him and lay an arm across his shoulders in an overly friendly gesture. "You need to learn to keep your dogs on a leash. Isn't that how you lost the last one?" Before I can even think about laughing a find myself sprawled on the floor with a sore jaw and a wrenched arm. I feel a shoe slam into my stomach and clutch it protectively. Someone, Granger most likely, runs over to Harry and pulls him back.

"Never, NEVER talk about him like that!" His voice breaks when he screams. I didn't mean to be that shitty, just enough to… Well, I suppose that doesn't matter anymore. I cough harshly and close my eyes tightly against the pain, but I can still feel tears escape the corners of my eyes. Not what I'd been planning at all…

I hear Harry run off, back up the stairs, while Granger walks over to help up Weasley. I'm finally able to breathe properly when they leave up another flight of stairs towards the Hospital Wing. Blaise helps me stand up and looks me over critically.

"Do you still feel up to breakfast?" Always the practical one, Blaise.

"No, not really." I wheeze, rubbing my jaw and turning back to the dungeons, an arm over Blaise's shoulder to keep myself steady.

"Everything go according to plan?" He's laughing at me. He has the audacity to laugh at me!

I don't blame him.

"For the most part." That's as close to admitting I made a mistake as I'll ever get. I can't help but chuckle too. He needed to hit someone today. I don't know why, but he really did. That's the only way the Golden Boy would ever kick someone when they're down, no matter what they say.

Hell, maybe someday he'll thank me for it.

HPDMHPDMHPDM

I hope you liked it... Please reveiw, it keeps us all well fed. I came up with the next chapter for Moon and Clouds after I read the reveiws, so I can tell you your words really do encourage people!

Other than that, I can't think of anything else to say...

Later

Averon