Disclaimer: Yes, because if I were Stephenie Meyer, I'd be writing fanfiction. Jeez, obviously I'm not Stephenie Meyer, therefore I do not own Twilight.
Claimer: I own this idea, 206 bones, and the right to remain silent (though I never do). None of the aforementioned may be removed. Kthanksdood.
The second the taillights of Edward's shiny silver Volvo had faded from sight, Jasper was at the bottom of the stairs, looking quite irritated. He sighed and plopped down beside Emmett, who was engrossed in some extremely violent looking video game. "What's wrong with you?" Emmett demanded loudly, with characteristic scalpel-like delicacy.
"Nothing. I'm just glad he's finally left; he's been bothering me all day."
"Edward?" Emmett gasped in mock surprise. "How?"
He shrugged uncomfortably. "The sexual tension is just about unbearable."
Emmett pounded the sofa cushions, oblivious to flying bits of fluff, howling with laughter. "I almost forgot, he's the one-hundred-year-old virgin!" Rosalie rolled her eyes, crinkling her prefect ski-slope nose, as she moved to the opposite side of the couch in order to avoid being pelted with sofa stuffing. "That is so typical," she muttered. After a pause, Rosalie said, as she had before many times "He's going to change her. Soon. Even he can't hold out forever."
"You have to admit, he has self-restraint," Alice commented.
"He had to," Jasper said, "He lived in the early 1900's, didn't he?" Alice nodded. "Men were very sexually repressed then," Jasper said seriously. "The whole social outlook on...intimacy was extremely uptight. I doubt he ever got a minute alone with a girl.
Emmett, who had finally stopped having seizure-like laugh attacks, snorted. "I should show him the works."
"He's been to medical school twice," Rosalie pointed out. "I'm sure he's not totally clueless."
Jasper rolled his eyes. "He's lived with us for centuries, Emmett," he pointed out. "He has to know by now" he added pointedly, glaring at Rosalie, then Emmett, eyes full of implication. Rosalie allowed herself an impish grin. "But you go right ahead and offer him some pointers," Jasper rolled his eyes again.
Alice grinned. "But, if I recall correctly, I remember it being mentioned once that teenagers of that period were highly sexually repressed."
"Do you think that's why he's always so moody?" Emmett asked.
"Nah," Jasper answered, "Rosalie's plenty moody, and I'm pretty sure she's not sexually repressed, if you know what I mean." Rosalie glared at him. "Hey," growled Emmett defensively, "We're talking about Edward. Leave Rose out of this." Jasper shrugged, holding his hands up in a backing-off-now gesture.
"But, seriously, those were his formative years?" Alice shuddered. "Didn't they think blushing was a huge sin?"
Jasper nodded, then snickered. "They thought it was immodest. It apparently was a sign of erotic feelings."
Emmett, naturally, found this hilarious. "That explains a lot," he snorted. This earned him a glare from Rosalie. "But Bella blushes so much! I bet he likes that!"
"Or it could be because she can't walk in a straight line without tripping over herself," Rosalie commented snidely. Alice gave her a look. By everyone else, her comment was ignored.
There was a crunch of gravel as a Volvo rolled into the huge back yard of the Cullen mansion. Jasper swore, Alice playfully smacked him, and he practically bolted back up the stairs. He was followed by Alice, then Rosalie, leaving Emmett with what would sure to become feeble attempts to defend his thoughts to Edward.
A/N: Funny? What'd ya think? Review, please!