Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.
I got there early today. I remember when we were going through divorce proceedings; all the books about helping children through a divorce said that transfers in a neutral spot would always be better than at one parent's house over the other. It would put both parents on an equal footing, and the children wouldn't feel like they're abandoning one parent for the other. So we decided on the parking lot of Toronto's school. It would also give Toronto a familiar place during the transition, sadly something we couldn't do for Elizabeth yet, as she was only five years old.
She's only five years old, and I'm already missing so much of her life. I only get to see her and her brother every other weekend, and that's not nearly enough for my taste. But the divorce lawyers and the judge decided that since I work late nights so often, I wouldn't be an acceptable caregiver for them. So I'd only get visitation with them. Twice a month, for 2 days. That's it. It's not an adequate amount of time for visitation, but that's what the courts decided.
Kurt's always been accepting of the fact that I want to see them more often than I do, and doesn't raise a fuss if I request more time, even if it's not my weekend for them. Sadly though, it's still not enough.
Kurt's always been a great person, and an incredibly caring father to our two children, but sometimes I just wish he had been a bit more caring towards me. Sometime after Elizabeth was born, we started growing apart. Our arguments got longer and more heated. Our time with each other got shorter. Our sex life went from daily, to weekly, to practically non-existent. And I don't know why. I always did my best to make our marriage special, I tried to institute date nights where we would go out without the kids just by ourselves. I tried to surprise him with a trip to Hawaii for our 7th anniversary, but it didn't do anything. We still fought all the time, and we never were able to get passed it.
We argued about every little thing, even if it was so inconsequential that it didn't matter. What type of laundry detergent to use, and what type of meals the children should eat at school and daycare each day? How many hours of TV Elizabeth should be allowed to watch per day, and what time of night Toronto should be put to bed? Which restaurant would we order from that night, Beijing Kitchen, or Hong Kong Palace? All our arguments were so pointless that I started to always ask myself, as I tried to fall asleep on the uncomfortable pullout couch we had in the living room, 'Is it all worth it?'
Because we used to be in love; we used to care about one another, and talk to each other late at night when neither of us could sleep. We would laugh at the other's joke, and cry when the other one was hurting. But what does that all mean, when the love has died? When every piece of your heart is broken, and only tethered together by the laughter of your children, and the silence in his eyes.
I start to see Kurt's car pull into the parking lot. I'd recognize that car anywhere. It was the first new car we ever bought together. Every other car had been used, or pre-owned, but that one had been brand new. It brings back a lot of memories, being over 10 years old. Bringing both Toronto and Elizabeth home from the hospital. Bringing them to their first doctor's visits and to Toronto's first day of pre-school. It scares me how much things have changed since those days. I never would have thought this would have happened to us.
As they pull closer, I smile; putting on the bravest face I can for my children and the love of my life. I sometimes wish I had never brought up the idea of a divorce. At the time, I thought it was a good idea, something that would let us both be happier but now, I'm not so sure. Kurt gets out of the car, and opens up the driver's side door, revealing two very eager children.
"Daddy!" I hear, and it warms my heart. They both run over towards me, as I kneel down before them scooping them both into a giant bear hug.
"Hey kiddoes." I say, as I press a kiss into both of their heads of hair. "I've missed you so much. But you know what, I've got a surprise in the car for you, go check it out!" I let them go and they both rush into the car to see what I got them. I look up and Kurt is standing there shaking his head, but he's sort of smiling as he does so. Kurt walks over towards the backseat of his car and grabs the two backpacks that I knew the kids had forgotten a few seconds earlier. Filled with all the clothes and toys that they'd need over at my apartment, even though it was completely unnecessary. Everything they would need they have at my new home. Clothes, toys, books, video games for Toronto, play clothes for Elizabeth. They may only come over every other weekend, but that doesn't mean they have to be bored when they come over.
"Hey Kurt…" I trail off, unsure of what to say to my ex. I never know what to say to him in this situation. Do I tell him that he looks good, or would that be too forward of me? Do I tell him that he seems to be doing well, or would that make me look needy? So I just say hey, even though my head is screaming at me to say something else. To just tell him how I feel. To tell him that I still love him, and would do anything within my power to get him back.
"Hello Blaine." He smiles. He hands me their backpacks. "Umm Elizabeth has had a stomachache all day so try and keep her resting and make sure she drinks plenty of fluids."
"I know how to take care of my own daughter, Kurt." I hate that Kurt is always telling me how to take care of these two whenever they're sick. The last weekend they were here, Toronto had an ear infection and he called three times over 2 days to make sure that I was putting his drops in. It's quite ridiculous because I am their parent too. I know how to care for a sick child just as well as he can. I don't need him to babysit me, as I care for my children.
"I know you do, Blaine." He says softly, almost apologetically.
"Look, we're gonna head on out of here." He nods at me.
"Okay."
"Kids, come say goodbye to Papa." I call out to both of my kids who are busy inside my car getting the toys I placed inside. They both come on out, Elizabeth holding a stuffed bunny rabbit, and Toronto holding a new action figure. They walk over to Kurt and he gives them a hug goodbye, before whispering something in their ears that I can't hear. A few seconds later they are both rushing into the back seat of my car and I close their door. I take another look at Kurt, and he looks at me.
"Take care of them." He says as I go to get into the car. As I drive off, I notice in the rearview mirror that he hasn't even gotten into his car yet. He's just standing there, holding himself. I wonder what that's about, but I can't dwell on that too much right now. I have two children to entertain tonight, and entertain I would!
Once we got to my apartment, and we got upstairs Toronto made a beeline for the television. He quickly turned my Xbox on and attempted to play Halo IV, but I removed the disc from the tray before I left earlier. "Not tonight, Buddy. Tonight we're going to spend it together."
"Aww Dad, why?" He whines, and it makes me smile, knowing that even though I only see him a couple of times a month, I still get the whiney pre-teen attitude from him that I know is going to give both Kurt and I trouble in the coming years.
"Because I don't get to see you two enough, and I want to spend some time with you that doesn't involve throwing computer generated grenades and slicing and dicing with plasma swords."
"You're no fun." He pouts, and I laugh.
"C'mon Bud. How about grilled cheese for dinner later on, and then we can play a board game tonight, huh?" Toronto sighed dramatically. A habit he inherited from Kurt, which reminds me of all the times he would do so in High School.
"Fine, but can we get Tomato Soup too?" He asks eagerly, and I nod my head.
"I think I've got some around here somewhere." I turn around and see Elizabeth sitting in a chair clutching her stomach.
"Daddy, I don't feel so good." I kneel down beside her.
"Aww Sweetie, where does it hurt?" She points to her stomach, right by her belly button.
"Why don't we get you some saltines and some coca-cola, you like coca-cola right?" I ask, and she nods eagerly.
"Papa doesn't let us drink soda though."
"Well this isn't just any old soda." I tell them conspiratorially. "This is magic soda. It's going to make Elizabeth's stomach feel better!" She beams up at me and I quickly find a bottle of coke in the back of my fridge. I open it, pour a little into a glass and then start to shake it. Carbonation isn't going to help her stomachache; I've got to make sure it is nice and flat. After a few minutes of shaking, and opening, the soda was perfectly flat and just right for a stomachache. "Here we go, one magical Coca-Cola, sure to help any stomachache." I said as I poured her a small glass, and got one of the crazy straws that I know she loves out of the cabinet.
"Thanks Daddy."
About an hour later though, everything went wrong. Elizabeth was crying because she was in pain. Toronto was whining because he wanted to play Halo IV, and I was having a hard time finding any Tomato Soup in my cabinet. I kneel in front of Elizabeth and kiss her forehead and as I do so I realize that her forehead was the hottest I've ever felt it. "Gosh Elizabeth, you're burning up."
"It hurts Daddy, it really hurts." She cries out in pain and clutches her stomach again, only this time, the right side of her belly.
"This isn't a normal stomach ache." I tell myself.
"I want Papa!" She cried. And I swallowed the lump building in my throat. I had to take care of her. I told Kurt I could do it, and by God I was going to do it.
"Hold on Sweetie, let me go get the thermometer and the Tylenol. It'll make you feel better." I said, as I rushed into the bathroom to pull out the Children's Tylenol and the ear thermometer. I walk back into the kitchen where she's still crying on the chair and it kills me to see her in so much pain. I kneel down beside her and stick the thermometer in her ear. A few seconds later it beeps. "102.3" I whisper to myself, and know that this isn't a good sign. I quickly poor the cherry flavored Children's Tylenol into the provided measuring cup and she drinks it. "Sweetie, can Daddy take a look at your tummy?" I ask, dreading what I might find.
She nods her head and when I do I see a bruise forming on the right side of her belly. I gulp. I know what this is. I remember what the bruising looked like when Kurt had appendicitis back in College. I bite my lip, before digging my cellphone out of my pocket.
After about 5 rings, he picks up. "Hello?" I am momentarily relieved to hear his voice, but the wail of my daughter the next second brings me back to reality.
"Oh God, Kurt. It's Elizabeth." I tell him, and I can hear that he's moving around his apartment. The rush of air against the cellphones microphone brings me back to times when we were apart during my senior year of high school and that was the only way we could hear eachother's voice. "She kept complaining about her stomach, and when I checked her belly, she had a giant bruise. She keeps crying out in pain and she keeps asking for you. I'm taking her to the emergency room now, but can you meet us there?"
Should I tell him that I think its appendicitis? Should I worry him like that? I know he's already worried but would knowing what I think it is, make it better or worse for him? I miss the days when I could predict his reactions and always be right. But we've been apart for so long, that I've lost that ability and I really wish I could have it back for a moment.
"Which hospital?" He asks.
"Mt. Sinai."
"I'm on my way." He tells me I breathe a sigh of relief. "Put Elizabeth on the phone for a minute?" he tells me, and I do just that.
"Papa?" She asks. I let her have the phone and walk away from her, to find Toronto. I find him sitting on the living room couch watching TV.
"Okay buddy, we have to go." He looks up at me strangely.
"Where are we going?" He asks.
"The emergency room. Your sister needs to see a doctor." He rolls his eyes.
"She's just faking for attention, Dad." I shake my head.
"No she's really not. Now grab your coat and put your shoes on. Let's go." I return to the kitchen where Elizabeth is and I hear the tail end of her and Kurt's conversation.
"Love you too Papa." She hands the phone back to me.
"Get there as soon as you can, Kurt." I tell him, and he doesn't give me grief about telling him something redundant.
"I will. Take care of her." I hang up the phone, and she keeps crying. I pick her up gently and shout for Toronto to move.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." He says. We walk outside and as I strap Elizabeth easily into the booster seat Toronto gets in the other side and buckles his own seat belt.
"Everything is going to be okay, Elizabeth." I tell her, and keep trying to say gentle soothing words to her, trying to calm her down. It's no use. She's even more hysterical than she was earlier. It doesn't take us long to get there, and when we do, I unhook her from the seat and carry her into the Emergency Room.
We walk up to the administration desk. "Help, I think my daughter might have appendicitis." I tell her, and she looks up at my crying daughter. Elizabeth's shirt has ridden up a tiny bit exposing the bruise on her right side.
"Oh dear." She said, before picking up the phone and calling for an orderly. "Someone will be with you momentarily. That poor thing." She says and I just nod my head. It really was only a couple of moments later that someone came around with a gurney. I placed Elizabeth on it, and they wheeled her back into an examining room. Toronto and I walked back there with her.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes before a doctor came in to see what happened. It took all of 3 minutes for him to diagnose what I had already come up with. "We're going to have to take her back in for surgery." He tells us and I nod, knowing the procedure for appendicitis.
I get up and motion for him to leave the room for a second so I can speak with him. "Can it wait 10 minutes though? If it is too dangerous, then by all means take her back, but my ex-husband is on his way, and she's really scared. I don't think she'll calm down without him." I tell him, before the doctor can say anything; I can hear Kurt's voice.
"Elizabeth Hummel-Anderson, where is she?" I hear vaguely, and I shake my head at the doctor.
"Never mind, that's him. I'll just go get him and then we'll be all set."
"Hurry up sir, I wouldn't advise we wait much longer than it takes to prep her and for the surgical doctor to scrub up." I nod before rushing out to the waiting room, where I see Kurt ready to pounce on a woman who hadn't been there when we first walked in 10 minutes ago.
"I know her father is back there, her other father is back there. But I'm also one of her fathers, and I demand to know where she is." She sighs and I feel a brief moment of pride that Kurt still has that bite about him that comes out when he's really agitated.
"Do you have identification, Sir?" Kurt goes to grab his wallet out of his pocket, when I yell out his name.
"Kurt?" I call and he turns around and rushes over to me.
"How is she? Where is she?" He is frantic and I can tell he's anxious to see how she is. I place my hands upon his shoulders and start to rub them like I used to do whenever he needed to be calmed down, it seems to still work.
"She's going to be fine."
"Going to be, that doesn't sound like she's fine now, Blaine!" He cries out, as I lead him towards the room where Toronto is trying to cheer Elizabeth up, to no avail.
"She has appendicitis. They're going to bring her back for surgery within the next 10 minutes. I was going to try and hold it off until you got here." I tell him, and he sighs. I can tell that he's calming down, knowing the procedure for appendicitis better than anyone else in our family. He rushes into her room, and I smile as his demeanor changes to accommodate our daughter's anxiety.
"Hello…Elizabeth, how're you feeling?" He asks sitting on the edge of the bed.
"It hurts Papa, why does it hurt?" I can see that it hurts Kurt just as much as it hurts me to see our little girl in so much pain.
"I don't know Sweetie, but I know the doctors are going to do whatever they can to make sure it stops."
"I want it to stop now!" She screams, and he pulls her into his arms.
"I know Sweetie, I know." He whispers into her ear.
A few minutes later an orderly comes in, ready to take her back to the OR. "Can I go with her?" He asks, knowing that she's going to be too scared if she's alone. He nods.
"Just until she's put under." Kurt smiles, and tells Elizabeth that pretty soon she'll be out of pain, and will no longer feel so horrible.
"How do you know, Papa?" She asks, and I think back to that fateful day in college where I got a frantic call from Kurt where he was crying…. Much the same way that Elizabeth had been crying for the past few hours.
"Because I've had the same thing happen to me." He whispers to her. She looks up at him starry eyed.
"You have?"
"A long time ago. We're going to go into another room, you're going to go to sleep, and when you wake up you're going to be as good as new." She smiles, which makes me smile. I love how Kurt is with our children, how he knows exactly what needs to be said to get them to calm down, or to get them to do something they don't want to do. I envy that about him, because as much as I try, I don't have the same abilities as he has to do what he does.
Later on, we return to the waiting room, where we all sit together. Kurt and I next to each other, with Toronto on his lap. After a few minutes, I hear Toronto's stomach rumble and I decide it's time to get something to eat.
About ten minutes later, I return to the waiting room, and as I approach them, I overhear what seems to be a private conversation. I know I probably shouldn't have eavesdropped, but I couldn't help myself.
"But why do you have problems, anyway?" Toronto asks, and I wonder what Kurt's answer to that is myself.
"Toronto, we've been through this. We've just… grown apart." Hmm, I was expecting a more detailed answer, but he is talking to our 10 year old son, so some discretion is probably necessary.
"Do you not love him anymore, Papa?" Does he still love me? Even a little? I know I still love him more than I probably should.
"Of course I still love him, Toronto. A part of me will always love him." My heart soars. I loved him, and he still loved me. So why the hell did we get that divorce? What force on the Earth prevented us from working out our problems? "But we just can't live together anymore. When we lived together, we were fighting all the time, remember?" There's a brief moment of pause before he continues. "We divorced so that wouldn't happen anymore. So we wouldn't put you and Elizabeth through all the fights anymore. It would make everyone happier in the long run."
"But if it's supposed to make everyone happier, then why don't either of you seem happy?" Toronto asked, and I have to admit, I wonder that myself.
"What do you mean?"
"You always put on a bright smile for us, but I can tell you're not as happy as you used to be, before all the fights. And Daddy? Sometimes I hear him cry at night when we stay at his home." Oh gosh, Toronto can hear me? I thought my room was soundproofed. I didn't know my crying could be heard in the room next to mine. I would always try to not cry when they were over at my house, but I couldn't always help it. Looking at Toronto's face just screamed Kurt and it always brought me to tears at night, especially Fridays and Sunday's when I would get to see him for those fifteen minutes.
"You shouldn't be listening into your father's bedroom, Toronto."
"My room is right next to his! I can't help it!"
"People cry for any number of reasons, Toronto." Kurt begins to tell him, but Toronto cuts him off.
"When he does, he's always saying your name, Papa." I gulp, not knowing if I should be listening to this conversation. It's private between a man and his son, and said man's ex-husband shouldn't be listening in. Apparently though that was the end of the conversation, because Kurt says nothing else.
A few minutes later, I decide to let my presence be known and walk back into the waiting room. I pull the foot I got for the three of us out of the bag the woman at the cafeteria gave me. Kurt gives me an evil look when I give Toronto chicken tenders and fries, but I just glare at him right back. The kid's sister is in surgery, he's spending the entire night in the hospital's waiting room bored out of his mind, and I'm going to let him eat what he wants. When I finally take out my cheeseburger, Kurt actually says something out loud.
"You realize that's even unhealthier than what you gave your son." He points out, and I shrug.
"It's a special occasion."
"You're going to give yourself a heart attack."
"I'm shocked that you care enough to point that out." He bites back, and his jaw drops.
"Of course I care, Blaine!" I look at him, and wonder if he really means that. If everything he told Toronto was true, if he really still cared about me. There's a glimmer of hope shinning in my eyes that we might be able to find out stupid broken crappy relationship.
"You think I want my children going through what I did when my father had a heart attack? I think not." And there it is the glimmer is gone.
"So it's all about the children?"
"Of course it's all about the children!" He rolls his eyes. "What did you think it was about?"
"I don't know, forget it."
"Why do you two have to argue all the time?" Toronto asks. "Always about stupid things, that don't mean anything!" He yells. "Who cares about a cheeseburger? You were doing so good, not arguing! And now you're back to the way things were when you were married. Why can't you both grow up?" He yells, before getting up and running out of the Emergency Room.
"Toronto, get back here!" Kurt yells, before pushing his salad to the table, and running after him, but he's quicker than both of us. Neither of us can tell where he went.
"Where'd he go?" I asked as we rounded the corner that Toronto did.
"I don't know Blaine; I wasn't expecting him to run off." Kurt looks down both of the long hallways before he speaks again. "You go that way, I'll go this way. Meet back here in 10 minutes, if we haven't found him by then, we'll tell the hospital staff."
"Agreed." And off we were, to find our son who was getting himself lost in the hospital.
I walk through the hallway as fast as I can; looking in rooms, vacant or filled trying to find my son, but it's no use. He's not anywhere around here. I take about 7 minutes, before I start searching down Kurt's hallway, just to be sure, when I once again overhear a conversation that I probably shouldn't have.
"But you are, Papa! You and Daddy both love each other, the same as you used to! But neither of you can see it! You love each other, and you refuse to be together. How is that not stupid?" I can see it Toronto, I can see it, and I know that it's stupid. I love Kurt and I want to be with him. I never should have even thought about the divorce, let alone bring it up.
"Toronto, what happens between me and your father, is between us. While it does concern you and your wellbeing, you are not to interfere in it, do you understand?" Kurt yells at our son, but Toronto apparently doesn't understand.
"No. Why can't I interfere when I know it's for the better?"
"Because you don't know what's for the better, Toronto. Your father and I got a divorce for many reasons. Yes, I still love him, and I probably always will. But that doesn't mean that we work together, or that we can be together as husbands should." I hear a shuffle, and I peak in, to see Kurt kneeling before Toronto so they're at the same height. I can see Toronto focusing on Kurt, his face red from crying.
"Why not?" He asked meekly.
"Sweetie, when you get older you'll understand this better, but for now you just have to know that some people don't want to be with the ones they've loved, while others desperately wish that none of the bad stuff ever happened." Which one is Kurt? Because I know I'm definitely the latter, I wish none of it ever happened, and that we could go back to the way things were. I can feel the tears start to slide down my face as I realize that maybe, just maybe there's a way we can salvage this.
"But it did happen, Toronto. There's no fixing it. Now c'mon. Your Daddy is probably worried sick. We're going to go back to the waiting room, and wait for your sister to get out of surgery, and you are going to apologize to your father for running off. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir." I can't let this go on any longer. I walk into the room, without even trying to hide the tears.
"Blaine, what's wrong?"
"Do you mean that, Kurt?" He looks up at me. He looks confused, though he probably was just playing the part.
"What?"
"That you'll still love me?" I ask him quietly.
"You heard that, huh?" He looks down at his shoes and I just stare at his face. "Look Blaine, I—"
"Don't… just tell me. Did you mean it?" I plead with him, because I have to know.
"I do, but Blaine we both agreed…"
"I love you too." I whispered. He looks up at me with a questioning look.
"What?" I move over to him, and grab one of his hands, and pull it up to my heart.
"I've never been able to think about our divorce without crying." I tell him honestly, and I start to see tears forming in his eyes as well.
"Then why did you…" I shrug my shoulders, unable to answer that question without seeming like an idiot.
"We were fighting, I thought you… I thought you'd be happier… away from me." I whisper.
"Blaine…The only reason I agreed to the divorce, was because you wanted it. I never even would have suggested it. I loved you, and still love you so much." There was nothing left to say. Before I knew it, our lips were pressed together in an old dance that we knew so well. His arms around my neck and my arms around his waist. We were perfect.
We pulled apart a few moments later, both fully flushed and smiling for the first time in months. "I've missed that." I say and he grins.
"So have I." He replies before we lean in one more time. A moment later we heard a Holler and a Whoop and we turned to see Toronto dancing in the middle of the vacant hospital room.
Three years ago, he would ve seen us kissing, groaned and told us to stop. But right know he was ecstatic, and I have to say. So was I.
Both this fic, and the companion fic "It's Toys and Clothes and Backpacks" have the same word count. Freaky and unplanned. Go read it. Reading one will give you the general story. Reading both will give you insight that you'd never know otherwise.