Disclaimers: I own none of the characters on the show. Please don't sue.
Author's Note: Been awhile since I've written anything. Stress of college life plus recent Danny's drama almost kill my muse. Based on spoiler for 4.19, I decided to write a fic about it. Just for the record, my other incomplete fics will be on hiatus until further notice, thanks for the support! This is another angsty fic and slightly Lindsay-centric.
A/N 2: Fic unbeta, mistakes are all mine.
Chapter 1: Lost in the Rain
She hadn't expected to be more hurt. To be more broken. When she already was, than she already was. At least, not since she confessed her feeling to him, not since he withdrew from her and definitely not since she reluctantly decided to just be his best friend and partner. Although she had suspected his withdrawal was far more than a death of a neighbor's kid and had something to do with a certain grieving mother, she had no idea how right her gut was until earlier tonight. Never in her life had Lindsay Monroe known being right could be so heart-breaking, so disappointing.
I can't look him in the face right now, not even just hear his voice. She thought bitterly as she was nursing her second beer. Her train of thought led her back to this evening when they were having an outing at the Hudson Arena watching playoff. As friends. Now what are we reduce to?
Knocking back one big gulp, she hoped the chilled liquid could neutralize the bitter truth she had just discovered with its bitterness but all it did was making her felt sillier. Thinking back the laughter they shared during the basketball match earlier and the bet they made about their victim making a shot, she felt like someone just stab an icepick at her heart- left her cold and in pain.
How could he act like nothing had happened this whole time? What had happened to the Danny I have come to trust with my life? Snorted at the voice in her head, she took another swig. Maybe I don't know him at all. For all I know, he might not even be who I think he is. He is just Danny, the guy who can date any girl he wants with a flicker of Messer charm. I might just be another notch on his bedpost.
Vibrating against the classic wooden bar counter was her cell phone. Instinctively knowing who would be the caller, but then she couldn't risk any chances with Mac when she was on call so she spared her cell one glance and the former win again. Danny. Why is he making things so hard? Can't he tell I just want to be left alone? Flipping close her cell, it was once again left forgotten on the cold table, the buzzing sound lost among the noises in the bar as Lindsay started downing her beer again, barely acknowledged the single tear that slipped through her barrier of holding off her emotion in public.
All the while the beer bottle was emptying the content down her throat, the conversation she was trying so hard to forget from an hour ago began to play in her mind, word by word…
"It's a good game. It's a shame it ends up being our crime scene though." Lindsay smiled.
Arms supported by the cab's door and hood, Danny bent a little at his waist. "Thanks Lindsay, for agreeing to go out with me tonight. I know I've no right to ask for more," Licking his lips, "but I meant it when I said I want us back. Please, promise me you'll think about it. I don't want to throw away the best I've ever had because I screw up."
Biting her lip, she nodded. "Okay, I'll think about it."
Immediately, hope lit up in his blue orbs. "Good night, Montana."
Giving him a sweet smile, she too said, "Good night, Danny."
Lindsay turned around to catch a glimpse of him disappearing into his building from the taxi's rear windshield and found herself grinning. There might be hope between them after all.
Right before the cab took a turn at a corner, her hand hit a familiar object. Danny left it behind was her first thought.
"Stop, please. I'll get off right here." Jumping off immediately after she had done handing the driver some cash, she made her way to him.
Walking down the familiar corridor, she was consuming by the thought of giving them both another try until she heard halted by two figures in the middle of the hallway. They were too deep in thoughts to notice her presence, she assumed by the griming faces both displayed. No exchange of words and the silence was too tense for her liking and voices of her heart told her that she wasn't going to like what she would hear. All her senses were screaming for her to turn away however her need-to-know had the better of her.
"I'm sorry…about that night…it shouldn't happen at all." Danny's head bowed, in guilt, in shame.
The first sentence from him had already made her cringed, inwardly stepping back one step.
"Don't worry Danny. It's just sex. If there's the need to apologize, it should be me. You're involved with someone and that night I took advantage of your guilt." Rikki said, reaching out to grab his hands.
The intimacy and the truth had Lindsay took another step back. Emotions welled up and threatened to burst.
"No…Rikki. You were finding a way to ease your pain and loneliness and I should have stopped you when all of this started but instead I reacted in the wrong way. This thing happened twice and I was the one who made you complied the second time. As if it wasn't bad enough, I was being an ass to Lindsay this whole time when I was the one at fault." Danny shook his head, tears of shame evidenced in his eyes.
"Have you told her?" The grieving mother gave his hands a light squeeze.
Right at this moment, despite the effort of Lindsay covering her mouth to muffle her cry and hold off her tears, a whimpering sob escaped her startling the two and gave away her presence.
Seeing her haunted look, Danny never felt this hurt before, not even when he was being held captive and tortured in the warehouse. "Lindsay… let me explain. It wasn't what it looks like…" Words came out all wrong because all she did was fiercely shaking her head.
"Not what it looks like? I can't believe you…" Turning around, she tried to take off but held back by Danny's hand on her arm.
"Lindsay, please hear me out…" He begged, voice trembling like he was in fear. Fear of losing someone precious to him.
Yanking her arm free, she snickered, "What am I doing? It's ridiculous. I forgot that we're no longer a couple. I've no right to react like this. You're free to date anyone. I'm just here to return your stupid cell phone to you."
"No… Don't do this, Linds, to me, to us." Recovering from the cell phone she pushed at him, he grabbed her shoulders more roughly than he intended, refusing to let her go.
Shaking her head for umpteenth time, she let out a bitter laugh. "I didn't do anything. Apparently you're capable of doing this all by your own, Messer. Let me go… please…"
Her last words came out so fragile it shook and pained him that he was capable of breaking her. Hands trembling, he slowly released his grip and watched his love walked away from him, terrifyingly but unavoidable, from his life.
Stumbling back into the cold street, Lindsay automatically tightened her navy coat, brushing shoulders with the night crowd that hiding from the heavy downpour and couldn't have care less being soaking wet as piles of evidences were waiting for her to process. Unaware of how much time she spent running in the rain to get to the nearest subway station, she could only assume long enough to catch flu as coldness was beginning to seep into her bone.
Teeth chattering, she finally got there and had to use every ounce of her to bite back a frustrated scream. Closed. Just my damn luck. Resisting the urge to kick the stanchion, she desperately moved on to the next option, her only option- hailing a cab. Raining cats and dogs didn't help her situation as the taxi avoided her like plague. Why did people have to kill people on a raining day? She knew she was being irrational but she had every right to.
When she was about to give up and called Mac, a taxi pulled up beside her. Grateful for a little bliss after a torturous and tiring long day, she climbed into the back seat without a second thought…
"The cabbie killer strike again today as another body… and is believe to have killed more than four…" The voice of the newscaster on the TV seemed distant as Danny was too occupied of trying to reach Lindsay.
"You've reach Lindsay Monroe's house phone and I'm unable to pick up right now. You know the drill. Beep." Her cheery voice was the only part of her that greeted him for the last hour. Please pick up, Linds. Let me know you're okay. Unable to chase away the bad feeling, he tried her cell again.
Somewhere in New York city, still inside the taxi, her phone buzzed on the front seat. The cab driver showed a malicious grin after sparing a glance at the phone as it kept on vibrating...
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