Author's Note: This is it, after a long awaited time, far too long, no intro needed since this thing is completely random, here is, 'Don't Drink the LCL flavored Water."
Tokyo-3: Central Dogma
"..."
"...what?"
Misato and Ritsuko stared at the coffee machine for a long moment before exchanging annoyed glances. Then, they saw the machine start to smoke.
"Oh hell. That's it, one more malfunction and I'm replacing Maya with Richard Simmons." Ritsuko huffed, shaking her head and walking away from the coffee machine in disgust, hauling her outsized NERV Coffee Mug with her. How she loved a good cup of Corporate-sponsored Java.
"SEMPAI!!!" Was Ibuki's response, off in the corner of the command floor. After a while, all one could hear from her was quiet sobbing.
Misato shook her head. "That was harsh, even if this is our only coffee machine in the city." Everyone knew that power flowed downward: NERV commanded, the people obeyed. NERV drank coffee, and the people got leftover twinkies, when they were lucky. But if this kept up...not even Hostess snacks would keep back the mob of decaffeinated civilians. Either they would get lynched or they would have to scrape a lot of red 'jell-o' off of the EVA units' boots. Misato wandered off, perhaps in search of beer, or more likely at this hour, raw Foldgers ground coffee. Spit would do well enough for her.
The Katsuragi-Ikari-Langely Residence.
"In recent news, the city has erupted in violence as the City Council has announced that coffee is now unavailable in all districts until further notice. "A reporter was saying on TV. "Extremists are blaming a make-believe organization called NERV, that apparently has very cool uniforms."
Shinji turned off the TV. He was bored with the news. Coffee riot this, Big, Unidentified Alien Body In Middle Of City-that. Things were getting slow. Maybe he should call Suzuhara and Kensuke over and have some fun.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Shinji hurriedly went to the door and saw who it was. When he saw it was Rei, he opened it immediately. "Rei-chan! What are you doing here?"
Rei gave a slight bow and held up a rather fat-looking PenPen. "I am returning Major Katsuragi's pet from his trip to see Larry King. He has gained substantial weight."
Shinji smiled warmly and let PenPen the Penguin and Rei into the apartment. Asuka got out of the shower in time to offer only meager insults but for the most part was in a good mood. They later found out why.
It was when she walked on Rei and Shinji making out—or rather, attempting to, considering they were both inept and Shinji was suffocating—that she announced her ideas. But not before doing one thing.
"SHINJI! YOU BAKA! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER! SHE'S MY BITCH!" she roared at the top of her lungs. After several seconds, a very deep, very profound silence settled on the group. None of them was expecting that, not even Asuka.
"I am not your Bitch." Rei stated flatly. "I am your doll. There is a difference."
"Sorry...I don't know where that came from." Asuka apologized uncharacteristically.
Shinji, on the other hand, was very quick to notice that despite her outburst, Asuka was being very civil. So he probed for info. "Uh, Asuka, what's up? Something's different."
"Damn straight, it is. We need coffee." She announced.
Rei wasn't impressed. "So does everyone else, Sohryu."
"Noo. But other people are just stupid. So here's what we do..." Asuka began explaining her plan.
Somewhere in the streets of Tokyo-3
"Hyuga, cover me!" Aoba yelled. And promptly, he strafed a quartet of police officers who were closing in on their position from an alleyway, pumping them with hot, flying lead.
After the four men were down, they heard the thumps of mortar fire in the distance, and then a distinct whistle headed their way.
"You think they'd give up, over a silly liquor store." Hyuga muttered as they ran from the potential blast radius of the falling ordinance.
"Yeah, and I'm the Pope." Aoba yelled as he shot a random bystander for the hell of it.
Hyuga turned, and stopped. "Wait a second. Didn't all of this happen AFTER Third Impact? What about the Script? There aren't any EVAs, or buildings!"
"Who cares man? Isn't this FUN?! Damn coffee addict, DIE!" Aoba was shooting again. As Hyuga ran to catch up to his coworker and fellow felon, he was told more. "Besides, shut up and bow to the whims of our god, the Author from Hell and stick with His script, fool."
Suddenly, they stopped, for they heard a loud roaring sound of a bomber in the air above them. The bomber was only capable of dropping one ordinance: N2 mines.
"Damn, haven't these guys ever heard of moderation?!"
The Eva Cages
"Bud." Unit 00 groaned from its metal holding pen.
"Bud."
"Bud..."
"Weis.." Unit 01 was bored, so it joined in.
"Bud.." 00 began...stressing its cage.
"Weis.." 01 chimed malevolently.
"Errr!" 02 wanted in. Unit 02 was always left out, and ...horny.
Needless to say, when the EVA units started saying "Budweiser", Ritsuko honestly didn't know what to do. This was obviously some serious defect. EVAs don't talk. They CERTAINLY didn't imitate 20 year old American Beer commercials.
So Ritsuko did the only thing she COULD do. She got them a Shrink.
"This is the guy you sent?" Ritsuko blared into her cellphone.
The producer at FOX could only make excuses. "He's the best! Of course we sent him!"
Ritsuko resolved to threats. "I'll turn you into a puddle of LCL!"
"LCL?" The producer asked, confused. But it didn't sound pleasant.
"I want someone else." She repeated her earlier request.
"No chance, we paid his airfare. You deal with him." And the producer hung up.
From afar, Stewart Griffin, Baby of Doom extraordinaire, hater of mother-figures everywhere, could only stand in glee as he oogled the Budweiser-sponsoring EVA units.
"Oh my, now this is definitely advantageous to my position. With this, I will be able to finally rid myself of that wench I call....Mother." he cackled.
For the first time in their existences, the EVAs knew a sensation: Fear.
Central Dogma.
The riots had begun on the surface, and for the moment, they were safe. The baby was taking care of that in 01, and the thumping from the surface could be heard even below ground, in the Geofront.
"Jesus, it sounds like people having sex." Misato whined from her chair near the broken coffee machine, which had several neural hookups and a defunct, spent out S2 organ surrounding it.
Kaji grinned. "You'd know what that sounds like, right?"
Misato reddened. "Shut up, Japanese Brad Pitt Wannabee!"
Kaji, whipped of course, cowered in fear.
"I wonder how the Commander and Sub-Commander are holding up. They're avid coffee drinkers." Ritsuko wondered, glancing up to the elevated area where Ikari Gendo and Fuyutsuki usually were.
Fuyutsuki was shaking all over, and his eyes were redder than hot peppers. His tongue lolled uncontrollably. "JAVA!!!!" he screamed plaintively.. "OUR PRECIOUS! WE WANTS THE PRECIOUS!"
"Oh, shut up." Ikari was getting annoyed with this pathetic display and slapped Fuyutsuki in the face with one of his white Mickey Mouse Gloves.
Fuyutsuki howled. "IT BURNS! IT BURNS USSS!!!"
Ikari, you see, was smarter than the rest. Foreseeing this disastrous lack of caffeine, he had descended to the bowels of Terminal Dogma, and distilled a large amount of Lillith's Blood for one single reason.
Now that he always had a mug of cool, frosty LCL at his side, he was content. He drank from it deeply, tasting the metallic taste of blood. It left a little LCL-Milk Mustache on him that looked to Ritsuko to be incredibly sexy.
"Does a body goo---------"Suddently, he choked, and began having a cardiac arrest. Apparently LCL wasn't that good for you....Of course, no one tried to save him, because Fuyutsuki was still raving.
"Dirty, filthy little Angels. They stoles it from us! Those dirty, tricksy little Angels. It was ours...our own..." he fumed, on all fours, forgetting his humanity. "Our...prrrrreciiious."
"Oohkay, he's whack." Aoba muttered from his station.
Maya, who'd recovered from her Lesbian Jealousy Fit Ver. 3.4.1 gave him a cross look. "How'd you get here?"
Aoba was burned from head to toe, and missing an eye, and the other was extra crispy. "I took the subway."
"I didn't know it was that bad." She mused.
It was once again, Misato's turn to whine. "Damn it, where are the Children?"
Almost on cue, Asuka, Rei, Shinji, and ....yes, PenPen bounded through the doors, carrying a couple of trays of Starbucks coffe. Rei was dressed all in black with a black skirt, knee socks, sweater, and a beret to complete the look. They ALL wore ear-rings.
"We went for coffee." Explained Asuka triumphantly. "We're not fools, like you people. There's a reason we're the main characters."
"You're just fanservice." Shinji intoned happily.
"SHUT....UP..."
PenPen, however, was appalled at the disorder in Central Dogma. All this time, this lack of coffee, had driven the crew mad. They must have spent DAYS without coffee. That was inhuman, and cruel. There was indeed a Cruel Angel at work here, and he had to avenge the dead and the dying, and put an end to the rampage in the city by the lunatic baby and his matricidal antics.
With tears flowing from his little eyes, he cooed over the body of Commander Ikari, and took his sunglasses, despite his lack of opposable thumbs. This would be a grave moment for NERV, he knew. The sub-commander had succumbed to withdrawal symptoms, and perhaps would never recover.
"SHIIIIIRE! IKARIIIINS!!" he was yelling in the background. "SHIIIRE!"
PenPen placed the sunglasses upon his beak, and symbolically had the changing of the guard on his flippers from this day forth. Penguinity and Humanity depended upon him and the EVAs now. He was so moved, he spoke to the crew.
"What has happened here today should never be forgotten." He began, in a surpassingly calm, human voice. It was...William Shatner? So THAT'S WHAT THEY DID TO HIM! "We must help our friends, recover, and return to their earlier strength.
"Above all, we must fight the Angels, Rei, Shinji, Asuka. We must teach them that our coffee is sacred, and that even SEELE cannot make us bow to their whims." PenPen continued passionately.
"With the unfortunate loss of Commander Ikari, I will take charge of NERV, and announce the following changes. Ibuki!"
"Hai?" Maya asked.
"You're fired. We're hiring Richard Simmons to repair that coffee machine."
"Noooo." Maya began crying again, and calling out Ritsuko's name.
Ritsuko, disgusted, could say only one thing. "Dirty."
"Shinji!" PenPen commanded. "Get me a latte."
"Hai!" He rushed to the task more diligently than ever.
"Too long have I been trapped in this body, without quality lines and good health plans. I tire of toiling for Gainax's evil purposes. That is why we shall wreak our revenge now. "PenPen roared. "I summon the Beastie Boys!"
From then on, no one knows what actually happened. Third Impact came around, and by that time, Fuyutsuki had found Mount Doom and was still in search of coffee...having MISSED EVERY SINGLE DUNKIN DONUTS ON THE WAY. Shameful.
As for the EVAs, that situation was never resolved, since the only one with effective controls on them was Ikari. Subsequently the world was turned not into LCL, but several billion liters of Budweiser.
The moral of this story children? Don't Drink the LCL Flavored Water."
And with that, Misato finished her story, which she read to the children, since they were still a little freaked out by the last angel attack.
"Misato-san, that's messed up." Shinji whimpered.
"I agree." Said Rei.
"Tell me more. What happened to Fuyutsuki?" Asuka was enraptured.
Misato grinned. "He got sued by J.R.R. Tolkien's Brain in a Jar. But..that story had a surprising and disappointing lack of sex."
"Oh." Asuka was also cowed now. Nothing like a brain in a jar to get you messin' your panties.
-The End?
(AN: I went overboard, but isn't it wonderfully twisted? Hehee. I love this stuff. It makes no sense and it really shouldn't. By the way, I swear, William Shatner is a PENGUIN! A PENGUIN I TELL YOU!!!!! AGH!!)
-Kazuhiko Kazuki.