"Bokura wa Itsudemo Sakenderu"
-
Bokura wa itsudemo sakenderu
(We are always screaming.)
-
Both were too proud to admit anything, and both were too stubborn as well. They were like a difference of squares (1), so alike and yet so different. They overlapped in certain traits, while in others they had opposing or clashing beliefs and mannerisms.
They had been screaming a lot as of late. It scared the others badly, and the two angry youths themselves didn't know as to what was quite wrong either. Normally the Chinese was the one to keep order in the team - the diplomat, the peacemaker - but he was screaming a lot - he was the one doing the screaming alongside - no, against the Captain. Even alone, he was screaming. He didn't know what he was fighting about, what the Captain was fighting about. But they were both upset over something that they could feel in themselves, a feeling so intangible till it hit them so hard. (2)
The amber-eyed youth was tired.
He was very tired. Tired of screaming, tired of fighting, tired of resisting. As he looked back upon the day, he could not help but laugh: it seemed like a whole "catch me if you can" kind-of game. But, no, his Captain wasn't the kind to participate in such a silly game - right?
Although he was tired, he could not sleep, not one bit. He felt a foreboding air about everything, and he feared for his Captain. He wanted to believe that he was fighting for his Captain's well-being, but he knew that it was all for a more selfish cause, a cause that he really didn't want to examine or admit to anytime soon.
Rei Kon ran a hand through his long, dark hair, loosely held in a tie, but so loosely that stray hairs fell in an annoying manner across him. However sleepy he truly was, he felt like an insomniac cat. He crept towards the kitchen area of the hotel suite, and quickly brewed himself hot chocolate. He didn't feel up for coffee, and hot chocolate had more effect in calming and pacifying his troubled soul. Hot chocolate was, after all, a comfort food, like pudding, bananas, and so on and so forth. He brewed enough for two cups, though he knew very well that he would probably drink only half of what he brewed up. If he was completely honest with himself, he would admit that he didn't want to go to sleep - he was seeking the silent comfort of his former room-mate (and the rooming was now Takao and Kai, Rei and Max, and Kyouju to avoid any serious fights). He was hoping that at a midnight hour he might be able to meet his Captain in peace, with no more useless yelling. That's why he brewed so much hot chocolate. That's why he was there, sipping a warm drink, at such an unearthly hour, losing his sleep over such a small ordeal.
But no Kai came. Like usual.
Rei hugged himself, curling into a small ball at the corner of a small sofa the attached room was furnished with, hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate, eyes and ears paying attention to the outdoors. He was listening and watching the rain fall down. "It is raining, we are falling," he quietly choked to himself on a sadder note. At least he felt like he was. Perhaps not Kai, though - Kai, the ever secure, confident, perseverant Captain - no, it didn't seem like Kai one bit to feel like he was feeling at that moment. He mused at the rain, calling it bittersweet. He liked the sound of it, the lull that it whispered to him. It was the constant pitter-patter that came across, grey drops rolling down the window, that he liked so much. It was the feeling he got after a good, fresh rain - the freshness of the air, the cleanliness of the world - that he loved. It was an extremely cleansing part of nature, he reflected. After a good, long rain, he always felt better - refreshed, cleansed, like a newborn.
He set down the mug on the glass tea table before him, and shivered into a blanket that he had brought down with him from the room. He shrugged into it, looking away for a second, in a longing way towards the room Kai and Takao shared. He knew, however, the rain wouldn't cure anything now. Perhaps it could cleanse and refresh, but there was nothing to cleanse and refresh here; it had been only a flurry of passionate, raging emotions that had overcome them and interfered with any coherent train of thoughts that had passed through their minds in their desperate arguments.
He fell asleep to the warmth of the blanket and to the lullaby of the raining, crying sky. He fell into a long, deep sleep that he long-needed. And only when he was deep into this sleep did a figure come out, with glowing, concerned eyes.
"It is raining, we are falling," Kai Hiwatari pondered aloud, repeating the sleeping youth's words, reaching out to brush bangs out of the sleeping youth's eyes. A fleeting, incoherent thought passed, just for a second. And he, too, couldn't help but think that what they had been fighting for was completely uncalled for and brash and useless. It had been a flurry of passionate rage between the two, rage between themselves that could only be brought on and cured by the other. Oh, things had gotten complicated, and completely out of hand. Everything was beyond their control, but brought on by themselves. Irony.
"But I'll be leaving soon anyways."
And with that remark, Kai ruffled Rei's hair in a somewhat affectionate, yet desperate away. He was becoming separated. He was falling away from them. He was slowly deteriorating, slowly drifting away . . .
"Goodnight, Kitten."
Indeed, goodnight it was.
-
He felt warm, as if sun was shining down upon him in a friendly way. His hand immediately flew up to his head, feeling touched, but he couldn't touch upon the feeling. He felt unusually warm for just a blanket on a couch, felt as if he had been hugged so tightly that he might feel the other's body heat as his own. He gave a slow, lazy, nostalgic smile at the thought; surely he had been seeing strange dreams. He stretched, fingering at the blanket, when he realized he had been moved to his bed. He didn't know as to whom had done such a thing, and he could only faintly be hopeful towards the possibility that Kai might have. He lay in the luxurious hotel bed, white and fluffy. He wanted to stay there all day, feeling warm and cozy in such a way, but despite all his pleads he stepped out of bed, when he realized another thing:
The clock read 11:45.
Of course, in the morning, Rei Kon was one slow kitten, one leisurely kit that loved playing fiercely.
"Aaaaaaaaaaargh, why didn't anybody wake me up? Those idiots—"
"Looks like you're awake."
Rei looked up, surprised at the voice. He gulped, nervously forced a laugh. It was probably a bad sign to know that he had slept in longer than Takao, infamously known for being the latest sleeper in Team BBA Revolution. "Hahahahaha, looks like I slept in a bit. Sorry, but . . . why didn't you guys wake me up?"
Takao shrugged. "Capt'n said to leave you alone."
"Oh, I see."
"By the way, there's nothing left of breakfast - heeeeey, do me a favor and make lunch?"
"Hungry again?" Rei laughed softly, a soft, rolling laugh. "Sure, why not? If we aren't training . . . ."
That's how Rei ended up with lunch duty, but for some reason, he didn't hate it for the day. He felt compelled to burn off the extreme feelings inside him, and he had learned to do that through cooking. Somehow, it helped him to cook when he felt unstable. It was something that he had grown up into, to release his tensions. He didn't cook too terribly either. Putting all his negative thoughts together created a lot of energy, and putting that energy to a better use, to make a positive outcome of it . . . .
When he walked into the kitchenette, he spotted the familiar mug on the glass table in the adjoined room out of the corner of his eyes; so that hadn't been a dream after all. He picked up the mug, running his hands over its smoothness, wondering. He dumped its contents into the sink, and rinsed it. He could feel himself sinking again, the same sinking feeling he was feeling more often, ever since he and the Captain had started fighting over useless things. It felt useless to do so, and it was tiring. Nowadays, it seemed like they were always screaming.
Bokura wa itsudemo sakenderu.
He clenched his fist, angry with himself all of a sudden. If he knew so well all that time that they were fighting for nothing, fighting for nothing but themselves and fighting against nothing but themselves - if he knew this so well, then why did he keep resisting? As much as he was afraid that if he let go, Kai would much too soon disappear again, he didn't want to leave a bad impression either. He wanted to give up resisting, but something sparked in him whenever he saw Kai - a visceral instinct that told him to resist Kai's order and influence as much as he could, and to make Kai's life a living hell. It was by some visceral instinct that told him to keep screaming, arguing, even though he was more than tired of it.
He could feel his lips moving, but no sound came out. He didn't know as to what he was trying to say, but he could feel his world slipping away from him, drifting away from the cozy grasp his hand had on it. He didn't want the world to leave him. No. He didn't want a lot of things, but they all simply happened. Right?
I did have a dream last night, the realization dawned upon him.
Yes, he had dreamt that Kai had left the team to shatter into small pieces, so small like the fine grains of sand, so that the glass could never be put together again. He wished that the dream might never take its toll. Not so soon, not yet. He wanted peace, he wanted quiet. He wanted the "now" to last forever, if it meant keeping Kai on the team. He couldn't imagine Team BBA Revolution without Kai.
He could not.
And the worst part of it all was wanting the change nonetheless. Something in him betrayed his loyal ties, cut him deeply in his pride, wounded him, made him fight against his captain, made him rebellious . . . .
He had to move on.
Tatta ippo demo koko kara susume.
(Even if it's only a step, let's move forward from here.)
He couldn't keep dwelling on one small event in his life; he had to move on, become stronger and . . . .
"Damn it! I burnt it!" Rei cursed. He had been too preoccupied and absentminded to notice what was in front of him and real, much more real than the thoughts that had been flying through his mind at random. He trembled, becoming aware as to how distraught he had become in the past weeks. He wanted to do something, like scream out the balcony patio or just . . . just something out-of-the-ordinary, something extravagantly loud. But he continued to tremble, almost vibrating.
Was he scared?
Maybe.
He simply stood there, vibrating.
Vibrating.
-
It was hard for the rest of the team to not notice the increasing tensions between their two oldest members, Rei and Kai. If a stranger thought that Bey fights or verbal fights between Takao and Kai were intense, then the fights between Rei and Kai were far, far and beyond that - they were explosive, would blow the entire galaxy to pieces and oblivion. It was hard for them to not notice. And they couldn't help but wonder as to what had happened:
"Well."
"Well?" Kyouju echoed meekly.
"Well . . ." Takao led on.
Max couldn't help but glare at his fellow comrades, in a laughing manner despite the dangerous topic they were discussing. "I don't need an echo here, you two!" he laughed, Atlantic blue eyes twinkling in spite of his true disposition. He coughed bitterly. Things really didn't seem right anymore. How long had it been? It felt like years, when in reality it had only been a couple of weeks at most during which Rei and Kai had been fighting their war. He could remember when it started, and when it only became more serious, he had become depressed. Although Kai really wasn't the nicest boy in the world and Rei wasn't either, they had gotten along completely fine for the longest time, appreciating the other's tranquility and quiet. It felt like such a long time since the quiet was there; Max Mizuhara was certain he couldn't remember it.
"Why?" Takao asked with a low groan. It was a question that was constantly being asked, but no answers had been suggested in reply. To them, the relationship between Rei and Kai was almost a complete mystery; they could have been secret lovers - they stuffed their mouths with their fists at the incredulity of the idea - and they wouldn't have noticed a thing at all.
But that idea was such a tempting one to Kyouju at that moment, in how desperate their situation had become. His illogical side would chock out ideas that it was just a silly lovers' fight in disguise - but his logical side knew that all of Kai's relations with Rei were strictly platonic; he didn't know about Rei though.
A stranger might easily say that none of the three youths had been acting normally, neither the two older youths. All of their lives were affected by the drastic change in "calm" and none knew what was really wrong; it was all on visceral instinct that led them to do what they did.
There was silence.
"Ha," Kyouju laughed awkwardly, breaking the silence. He decided to push his test: "Maybe they're secret lovers and . . ."
They all laughed a good, long laugh; a long-needed laugh that hadn't come out right for the longest time. Things just wouldn't be right for a while; it had been such a long time since when things had been right.
"Riiiiiiight," Takao slurred in a dry, crackling voice.
"Ha." A familiar voice.
The three looked towards the door in surprise: Rei?
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Is that what you guys really think? - Wait, don't answer that. Don't even answer that! Just don't, just stop," the dark-haired Chinese youth yelled in a miserable way, in a desperate way, somewhat enraged but mostly desperate, "just please, please, please stop." He clenched a fist. "I'm sick of all of this. I hate it! I hate this all, but still we're all yelling at each other. Still, it's much easier to hate than to love," he rambled, mentally hesitating and tripping over his ease in saying hate and love. He continued in a fierceness: "Would it be all right if I killed myself and the whole world along with it?" he questioned in a flurry, in a moment of lunacy. "Ha. That's so funny! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha! Just stop. I'm sick of all this. I even wish that I had never met any of you, so that I'd still be back in that pleasant, naïve village in China! I used to think that this world was great. Ha! I must have bad judgment with people. I want it all to go away - relationship? There was none whatsoever, except for hating each other. Happy? No scandalous affair. Nothing. Just sharing a stupid, damned room all the time. You got it, freaking idiots?" He paused.
"Fuck this world," he whispered fiercely, before swiftly turning away, into the hallway, into a strong figure . . . into Kai Hiwatari.
Into Kai Hiwatari, the one person he did not want to see at the moment.
"Kai."
-
They could remember the meek "Lunch's ready" from Rei, as he had pushed them to the kitchen where a lunch awaited the three younger youths. They could remember the way Rei and Kai glared at each other as if they hated each other's guts, as if they would kill each other in an instant. They couldn't remember why the two were angry, but the anger had been renewed at the sight of each other, and they obviously didn't want the three's virgin ears to hear a word, although Rei's mouth was probably cleaner than Takao's in the sense that he rarely swore. They could remember the offended look that Rei had given them when Kyouju had brought up the old, incredulous theory, the hurt and vaguely disgusted - it seemed - look. They could remember the way Rei had almost squeaked when he walked right into Kai, the way Kai seemed to look down upon Rei.
They ate in simple silence.
They could hear the two older youths' voices, echoing through the hallways. They weren't yelling. They weren't yelling yet, that is. They were simply exchanging insults as two might exchange the daily greeting, in a calm, collected fashion, with calm, low, pleasant voices; it was scary to watch them fight in such a pleasant-sounding way.
It was scary indeed.
And they couldn't do a thing about it.
They could not do a single thing about it.
-
It was night.
He and Max had barely exchanged any words as they went to bed, and he was simply lying underneath the duvets, shivering and shuddering and vibrating. He could remember the way Kai had harshly told him to back off and stay away, the way his wrist had felt like it was being crushed by Kai's strong grip. He had felt like he was suffocating in the presence of Kai, the strong, dominant, and intimidating air he gave off. He had tried to shake away that thought at that point, but being in Kai's grip, feeling Kai's coldness and warmth at the same time, had been all too much for him that he could only exchange insults as a greeting. He could only remember it the way it all had happened. Yet again, however, he didn't know why he had done it, why he had struggled so much against Kai in the oral battle. He bit down on his lower lip, muffling a great moan and sigh, before he gathered a pillow and his blankets, and trudged out the door, the blankets dragging against the floor in a monotonous sound of friction and he himself as quiet, elegant, and graceful as a cat might paw his way out of a house. He settled down on the coach again, in hopes to find something or to remember something.
It is raining again, he noted.
It was a notable rain, coming down heavier and in gigantic plops compared to the previous night. Lightning crashed down in the distant horizon, thunder rolling in the earth towards his sensitive ears. He shivered a little bit, thankful that he wasn't out there in the rain. He liked rain, but only to a point. He liked light rains, to feel the bittersweet taste of it, and to dance under the forming rainbows. He closed his eyes, imagining childhood memories of him, Lai, and Mao in the Chinese mountainous village; that seemed so faraway and distant now. It was the innocence he had slowly lost in becoming aware of the bigger, outside world, and deep inside he learned to appreciate the short-lived innocence. He wished, somewhat, that he was still in that small, naïve village, untainted by media and the corrupted, cold, harsh world.
"I wish . . . " the words rolled off his tongue. He smiled childishly, whispering and cuddling, "I wish I could be swept away and fly away above the clouds to somewhere . . . that's nicer than here." But would he really want that? No, not really. The memories he shared with his teammates were too precious for him to let go just like that. This was where he made the memories he wanted to remember, where he made new friends. But that made him feel guilty for leaving the village, leaving behind precious memories he had created there as well.
After the run in with his old team, he had sworn that he would never leave behind something just like that. He didn't want to make others shed hate and blood over something like that, or take to it so personally. He would say something, and then if he felt compelled to, he would leave. He knew it; he was selfish for thinking such a way. But he wasn't the most selfless person in the world and that didn't matter to him. If he wasn't happy with himself he would be doomed; it was he himself he would be spending the rest of his life with, wasn't it?
"I wish," he breathed, tawny eyes falling upon his toughened, but somewhat soft hands.
He heightened his hearing, picking up a slight movement. He smiled bitterly, "So you really are leaving, aren't you?" commenting in such a sarcastic, dry voice. "You shouldn't be such a coward. Show yourself. Show yourself, Kai! I've been taking hell for . . ." and he stopped, shivering. He eyed the incomer with a hateful look, "It's easy to hate, you know." He paused, thinking for a moment, before quoting Jonathon Swift, " 'We have enough religion to make us hate but not enough to make us love one another.'"
A short, amused smile. Eyes flickered about. "When did you become such a Renaissance man?" he joked in a way unlike himself.
"That's not-so-Kai-ish," Rei snorted in reply.
"Not-so-Kai-ish, eh? Then what is? Tell me, because it's clear you know me so well."
"I . . . ." Rei's face darkened for a moment. It was more truthful to say that he knew almost nothing about the Captain he shared a room with. "I don't know," he admitted with a slight snarl.
"Yes, I'm leaving. I have business to attend to, unfinished business."
"Will you be coming back?"
"Surely I'll come around someday."
"When?"
" . . . . "
"Soon?"
"Maybe."
"Kai."
"When I come back, I come back."
"We need you."
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do. We all do. You . . you're the Captain after all. The group . . . . is unbalanced without you."
"Are you so sure?"
Rei reconsidered for a moment. The driving force behind the team was definitely Kai. Kai was the harsh wind that persisted, forced them to train day in and day out. "Yes, I am absolutely sure."
"Then become independent. Make up for that imbalance."
"Kai, I'm sure there's nobody who can replace somebody like you."
"Nothing can dissuade me, Rei Kon, so don't waste your breath over it," Kai finalized, emphasizing each syllable.
"Please, Kai, stay. Is it going to be like that time, when you left us for something tinged in darkness?" His voice was instable, betraying him. He winced inwardly, but refused to look at the other. He felt that he would be failing his team if he couldn't dissuade the captain. He felt responsible for the team after Kai, being one of the two older youths. He had senses in him, and he felt compelled to keep them. He didn't want the same hurt inflicted on the team as he had inflicted on his old one. He knew Takao's reaction would go along the lines of: "That damned bastard, leaving us like that again! Why didn't you stop him?" It would be of pure anger and rage.
"No."
"Kai. I . . . I did something like that, you know. Leaving a team. Rather wordlessly."
"Oh? I think we've set off fireworks, you and I, before I leave."
"Really Kai, I mean to say . . . it's a terrible feeling. Don't you understand? The younger ones . . . they won't take it so well. Takao will be outraged by your actions. I'm sure he'd attempt to murder you if you tried to come back here."
"Physically impossible," Kai inserted as dry humor.
"I vowed to myself that I wouldn't leave without a word, because I hurt people that were precious to me because of that. I misled them, and I was absolutely selfish and still am. Kai, it would be much better to tell them and then leave - if you explained yourself, I'm sure they'd be willing to understand!"
"I'm a heartless, cruel bastard, Rei. Get that through your mind, and understand that. I'm not like you. I wouldn't care as much or even care at all. I . . . do not care." But the hesitance as he said this showed weakness in his words. He truly didn't believe such things.
"I'm . . . we're a little alike, actually. We're both ultimately stubborn and proud, but that doesn't matter. Kai! Just please listen for once!" Rei's voice rose in desperation.
Kai came around the back of him, his gloved hand muffling Rei's voice, "Shush, they're asleep. Do you really want to wake . . . some of them?" He chose his words carefully for he knew well that the world could explode and Takao wouldn't know a single thing about it in his sleep. He whispered into the Chinese's ear, "So this is goodbye and farewell for now," and stalked off towards the door.
The brunet leaped, grabbing at Kai's hand, "It's not goodbye at all. It's, 'I'll see you later,' right? Right, Kai? Saying such words is cruel." He laced his fingers with Kai's fingers, surprised that the other was even letting him do it. In reluctance but yielding to his curiosity he looked up and faced Kai in the eye, surprised at the calm composure of the other. He began to think the words he had been saying were really getting through. "Please, just tell them, at the least."
"I've got to go. Any other last wishes? Sorry, but the flying thing cannot be fulfilled and I don't feel compelled to tell them."
"Coward," Rei spat out, drawing back and hissing, narrowing his eyes dangerously.
"What can convince you I am not a coward, I wonder?"
Now realize that out of desperation, people tend to start thinking funny and out of proportion. With that knowledge, understand that what Rei next said was meaningless.
"Kiss me," Rei challenged, tawny eyes flickering in and out in a terrifying way, mixed with hate and pain and darkness. He was not in his right mind as he said this, despairing in his faulty past. He was that kind of person.
Kai's reaction was mixed. He raised an eyebrow, immediately understanding that this would not be classified as "normal" circumstances. He took a deep breath, thought it over, turning it over and over in his head. He looked over Rei with tired eyes, and sighed. In a swift motion his lips lightly brushed over the other's. They both had a mutual understanding that this would never be mentioned again, and as he drew back, he was surprised that Rei held him there.
In a fierce whisper into the other's ear, he declared, "You better come back, Kai Hiwatari. On your honor you've sworn to come back, so you better come back. Or else I'll go myself and hunt you down." With a harsh pat on the back, he opened the door, gazed at Kai coldly in a way the other never knew was possible. "Go, before I change my mind, Hiwatari."
"Farewell - no, see you later," he self-consciously shook the other's hand, walking off jauntily. He heard the door shut, and a loud pounding on the door. He inwardly winced, feeling guilty, but the path he chose was the path he would take. He refused to turn back.
"Goodbye, Kon."
-
Fury.
Fury made him punch the door in such fervor, and after a good half of an hour of punching, he realized it wasn't such a wonderful idea. The wooden door was broken, the raw wood sticking out at places. His arms hurt, his knuckles reddened and throbbing. He was still in a daze, slumping down against the door. He stayed like that, deep in thought, with no sense of time. He watched the sun come up, watched the city come to life, but his mind was drawing a complete blank except for the two words that kept repeating in his mind: Kai left!
He clung to the blanket he had thrown around himself, his eyes losing their shine. He was drawing a blank. He twitched, hearing a door open.
"Rei?" a meek voice called out, eyeing the door behind the slumping Chinese.
"Go wake the others, Kyouju," Rei commanded, the words rolling out of his mind automatically. It was something he heard Kai say every morning at one point in time, and Kai would personally see that Rei himself was woken; it didn't really take much except for a light shake and a couple of words, "Wake up, it's morning Rei," and he would wake up. There was nothing more of that anymore. He could only wonder, Are these your intentions Hiwatari? Should I take your place? I'm no good as you. I'm not the "best," Hiwatari.
A sleepy Max padded out into the kitchen, yawning, blinking, rubbing his eyes. "Mornin' Rei." He wasn't so perceptive in the morning, not noticing the beaten door Rei was slumping against.
Rei didn't acknowledge the blond, merely staring out toward the patio doors.
"Takao, wake UP!"
"One more hot dog," Takao's rowdy voice sounded from the bedroom that was no longer inhabited by Kai.
"Hey, Rei, where did Kai go?" Kyouju only dared to ask, head popping out the door.
Rei's face darkened a tone, "Just get Takao up!" His temper was short and bitter, as the prodigy popped out of sight with a meek squeak.
"Rei!" Max came quick to chide, with a sharp look towards Rei. He gasped in surprise at the terrible state of the door and Rei. Rei looked utterly depressed and grey, old and bitter. "W-what happened to the door?"
Rei only shot a glance towards Max, before getting up in a lethargic, hunched way, knocking down Takao's door and yelling, "Get up, Kinomiya! Or no breakfast or desert today!"
Takao jumped up at the mentioning of food, "Aaww, shut up Kai -" before breaking off. He gave a strange look to Rei, "Where's Kai?" It was normally Kai that would get him up in the end, always going to more violent means to get the youngster awake.
"Just get up, Takao," he snarled, biting down on his lip, stalking off to sit on the couch. He was beginning to regret even letting Kai go; it was amazing how history repeated itself. He felt extremely guilty.
"R-Rei, w-what happened to the door?" Max persisted in shock.
"And where's Kai?" yawned Takao, "Training again?"
Rei didn't feel like being blunt. He felt tired and sore and horrible. "He left. He'll come back when he comes back."
"He . . ."
"LEFT?" Takao finished for Max, gaping.
"He left."
"Why didn't you try to stop him?"
"And what do you think I've been arguing about with him for these past two damned weeks?"
"You could've stopped him, Rei, if you knew for that long!" Takao shouted.
"I didn't know that long! I only knew something was going to happen and it happened. I can't stop the oh-so-mighty, bastardly Hiwatari!"
"Why didn't you stop him, Rei? Who knows what he's going to do now!"
"He's a responsible person," Max voiced in defending Kai.
"Well we shouldn't care about him because he obviously doesn't care enough for you guys! He even said himself that he didn't care if you guys got so damned mad at him to murder him! He does not care! And you know what? I feel terrible right now for making you guys go through this because . . . . Look, I tried to make him stay and tell you, but he's too much of a coward to come out straight and do so. Go find him if you want to know why he went, and don't come ask me about him. Because right now, he doesn't exist to me."
"Rei . . ." Max quietly said, aback by the normally quiet, proud youth's harsh, biting words.
"I tried to make him stay," he said helplessly, moving to the door, hand studying the splinters and new cracks, "but I obviously didn't get through to him." He banged the door again in a fury and stomped off towards the room he and Max shared, slamming the bathroom door.
A shower would be nice, stripping himself of his clothes and stepping into a hot, steamy shower, letting it scorch his skin. The pain felt pleasurable, losing his breath in the heat. His hand became scarlet, a sliver of blood dripping down his cracked fist. He slammed a fist against the tiled wall, as he sank to the tub, on his knees,
"You don't exist to me. I hate you."
He hiccupped, "I hate you, Kai Hiwatari."
-
Three days Rei sulked as the younger three could only panic in his despair. Without a strong leader to order them around, they were directionless, purposeless. After three days, however, Rei swept up his act and toughened up, becoming distant and harsher than usual. Something in him had changed. He had become more than better. He had vowed something but couldn't keep that promise on his honor; he felt terrible about everything. He was the kind to live in the present, but also live in the past when it came to his village and his old team.
Hashiritsuzukenakereba mirai wa nai.
(If we don't keep running, there will be no future.)
And he would stand up again, "We should train." Certainly, he was gentler than Kai was, but he had become icier and colder in place of the complacent, gentle and lukewarm youth. The younger ones didn't flinch under his voice, but Max only looked on with rather sad, empathetic eyes, in a pitying sort of way. "We can't afford to get out of shape," he said in a raspy voice.
The fire that burned Takao to be so rebellious wasn't there anymore either, so that essentially he was changed too. He didn't try to rebel like he had with Kai, didn't try to muss any feathers, or cause havoc. Everything had quieted down in a simpler way of life: sleeping, eating, and training.
That was Rei's new life. He couldn't understand Max and Takao's childish antics any longer, not while he was supposedly leading and guiding the younger two. Only Kai's words repeated in his mind constantly: Then become independent. Make up for that imbalance.
"I cannot make up for this imbalance, even if I'm independent, Hiwatari," he bitterly muttered, sprawling out on the bed and glaring at the ceiling. It was more of talking to himself; he would never tell Kai this. He and Kai had never had wonderful communications and they barely interacted. They would simply go on with their lives, almost ignoring each other. That's how it had been. But now he could no longer ignore the absence of Kai.
Everything was in a perfect imbalance, so miserable and despairing.
Bokura wa ima demo sakenderu.
(Even now, we are screaming.)
"Come back to your team, Kai!"
-
Time: About three months long, longer? (I'm a very slow writer, and this was really tedious and nerve-racking to write.)
Length: 10 pages and a little more (verdana 9) / the actual story has 6007 words
Afterthoughts: WOOO! Uploading, and school is OVER! :D But nonetheless, I hate how this has turned out. Sounds like a desperate, hopeless romantic to me. I've written this over a long period of time, started this when I was really depressed back in February. Yeah, I've been feeling a bit depressed lately; you can probably tell from this fic that. I wrote this in blocks of time so it's a bit choppy when it changes time, and I had a really hard time revising this; there are many aspects that I think I've missed and aspects I think I didn't grasp well. I plan on writing a sequel for the sake of it, because I really do have a perfect idea that I want to go through with, even if this was TERRIBLE plot-wise. I first thought this was going to be my masterpiece, but it got old and boring after a while, and, well, . . . plain stupid. I'm uploading this anyways because I swore I would. -.-;; And ff.net is giving me hell with its new uploading system. ::murderous shriek::
NOTES:
(1) - Sorry for the small math inference. You learn this in algebra, and it's basically in this pattern, given x is unidentified and n is a number: (xn) (x-n) = x2 - n2. Basically this: (x-1) (x1) = x2 - 1. Or (x2) (x-2) = x2 - 4. Yadda yadda yatta. Basically saying if you're a young reader: They have the same components but are opposite, like they share x and n but it's n and –n . . .
(2) - A pretty ironic statement: something intangible cannot be touched. This is not a mistake here.
Disclaimer: BeyBlade belongs to Takao Aoki. The occasional lyrics belong to YeLLOW Generation, a.k.a. Fullmetal Alchemist ED 2. Translations belong to me. Any request from these said parties will be respected as long as they are parallel to this. Please do not plagiarize. If you want to use my translations, please contact me first. Thank you.