"Jack…keys." Ronnie called out her words from the front door as she watched, waiting for his retreating back to halt. He turned and she dangled the offending item from her finger, a cheeky smirk alighting her face at his expense.
Jack walked back and took the keys from where they were looped over her finger, rolling his eyes at her smug delight over his forgetfulness. Ronnie grabbed Jack by the tie as he turned once again to leave and pulled him towards her. She kissed him firmly, smiling against his lips, feeling his sigh against hers.
"Don't forget lunch," she spoke against his mouth as they slowly broke apart.
"Ron, there's a lot going on at the club, can't it wait?" Ronnie bit back her urge to snap and just turned her head to the side.
"It's just lunch Jack, the club isn't going to go under if we aren't there for an hour." She wanted to scowl at him in her utter frustration at how much effort this was taking but instead just smiled sweetly. Her mood had been shot down by his own bad mood.
"I'll see you later." Jack sighed before walking away, closing the door quietly behind him.
Ronnie's smile slipped from her face, a determined stare replacing it as her eyes were still fixed on the space that Jack had just occupied. She took a deep breath and moved into the kitchen, busying herself in cupboards to make herself the cursory first coffee of the day. She wished that she was a smoker, the more vices to get herself through the day the better.
She hated being alone, hated the silence that it brought with it because silence always led to thinking and thinking was just too hard. She looked around the flat trying to find something else to focus her mind on but her eyes were simply drawn to a calendar that hung limply from the wall. 'June' it stood out a mile and it served to remind her just how fast time was flying, it had been two months since... Two months since she'd lost her little girl.
Sipping at the coffee she closed her eyes and let herself get lost for just a moment but even something like drinking coffee brought back memories of Danielle. That morning in the flat, the morning after she'd found out Danielle was pregnant. Ronnie could remember sipping her coffee then, hiding behind a mug whilst this bright and beautiful little girl chattered away. Ronnie wished she'd offered more to her then than an amused smile, but there were plenty of moments she wished she'd given more, plenty of things she wished she'd said.
If she could just fall pregnant again... She knew it was a strange thought, a thought that Jack didn't understand, a thought she didn't think anyone would understand but she just needed to prove that she could be a mother. Holding Danielle in her arms, even if it was just for a few minutes had given her more satisfaction than the entire nineteen years without her ever had. To hold a child in her arms again, to write past wrongs and to give all the love that she should have been able to give to Danielle to another little person maybe it would mend her broken heart.
Tapping her fingers on the table, she felt herself slip slightly, her mind wandering into fantasy. In her fantasy world there would be Danielle sitting opposite her, those big brown doe eyes looking back at her, smiling she would tell her all about what she had planned for the day. She'd be helping Stacey on the stall and then she'd meet Ronnie for lunch at the cafe... There was nothing more satisfying than these little moments when she was connected with the world of ghosts, but the minute she released herself the pain would start all over again.
It was an unwavering agony, one which she rarely satisfied. There were brief moments of light, chinks of happiness where she blocked out the pain but essentially it was just one long, agonising nightmare. Slowly walking across the room she held her coffee close, the heat was comforting almost, so much so that it was a wrench to actually put it down. Fulfilling her daily ritual was far more important though, pulling open the bottom drawer she pulled out her jewellery box and lifted out the locket, kissing the picture of her baby girl before replacing it in the box, Then tucked neatly down the side she pulled out the folded piece of newspaper which she opened carefully.
Girl killed by 'speeding' driver. Council approves plans to tackle Walford's 'black spot'.
There on the page was a photo the paper had obtained of Danielle, it was such a happy picture, it didn't seem right that she was dead because there she was looking back at her so alive. Stroking the crinkled page Ronnie took in every detail just as she did everyday, she could see that picture even when she closed her eyes, she could recite the exact shape of Danielle's eyes or the style of her hair. Ronnie had learnt every physical detail of her child but it still wasn't enough, it would never be enough.
Ronnie delicately, with complete unwavering reverence placed the items back into the jewellery box, taking care not to bend or crease the paper and tucked the box back into her drawer. She covered it over with clothes, hiding it from the world. Danielle, her baby girl had been taken from her, given away to the world but she wouldn't let the same happen to her memories. These were hers and hers alone, nobody could take them from her, nobody would even lay eyes on the part of Danielle that Ronnie had left.
Pulling herself together she had to take a deep breath before her legs started moving again, finishing off her coffee she looked around trying to find something to do with herself. It was still early in the morning, Jack was busy sorting out orders and deliveries at the club, she couldn't sort the paperwork for it all until the afternoon, she was already showered and dressed and there was nothing to fill her time with, or more aptly, no-one to fill her time with.
Soon Ronnie gave in to the needs of distraction, a need to do anything to keep herself busy and decided to start preparing lunch... food list written, the perfect wine chosen, holes carefully pierced in condoms. This was a necessary action Ronnie told herself, it was for their relationship, it was for their future.
With meticulous accuracy and concentration Ronnie took each condom from the box, sticking the pin straight through the centre before smoothing the foil packet to make sure that no hole could be seen. A small pile of 'fixed' condoms soon built. Ronnie's attention lay completely and devotedly on the task in hand, she paid attention to each detail, letting pedantic accuracy block out any other thoughts that would normally be spinning and screaming through her. As her work was completed she looked up and caught her own eyes in the mirror. She stared back at herself, determination set upon her face but lingering behind it she saw the same face she had seen so many times before. The face she had seen every time she looked in the mirror over the last two months. Within her own features she always saw a beautiful blonde teenager who looked so much like her.
Replacing the condoms back in the box she made sure that it looked as if nothing had been touched, because as much as she knew it was a necessary action she was also painfully aware that Jack wouldn't understand.
The sound of the phone ringing broke her from her robotic daze, clipping the safety pin back together she placed it down gently, it was her tool, her weapon and she needed to keep it safe. This safety pin was going to open up a whole new world to her, give her the chance to prove that she could be a mum. She would have Danielle all over again and this time she wouldn't let go. Rushing over to the phone she picked up the receiver, it was stupid but every time that phone rang her heart would beat a little faster almost as if she expected the person on the other end to be Danielle, she was always painfully disappointed.
"Ah Ron seriously, there is the fittest lifeguard here!" Roxy launched in, Ronnie couldn't help but smile even though her heart was aching. "Literally the other day we were doing a baby swim class and Amy was sat in one of those little inflatable things, and he came over and was splashing around with her and I swear I am so glad I bought myself that bikini, you know the one that makes them look huge! Because he kept on turning and just full on staring!"
"He sounds delightful" Ronnie laughed glad that Roxy was enjoying herself but also glad that she was so far away, far from Jack's mind. She couldn't get another word in because Roxy continued to fill her in on all her Alicante adventures, barely pausing for breath. It made her feel less guilty about sending her away hearing that she was having a good time. Soon she would have her own baby to do all these things with and then and only then would everything start to feel better, she wouldn't have to feel jealous of Amy anymore and she wouldn't have to miss Danielle because she'd have her all over again.