Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Ocean's 11.
A/N: This too, would have made a good birthday present. Especially as it was requested. Unfortunately the best it can be is a week-late birthday present. Sorry and Happy Birthday anyway. For you, as always.
A/N 2: This story owes a lot to P G Wodehouse's excellent Jeeves and Wooster stories. Or, possibly, the TV series of the same starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. An homage, if you will.
The trouble with family was that you didn't particularly want to see them arrested. No matter how lunatic and annoying and reckless they were.
Yen listened to his Aunt Zi explain the events of the last week with a manic enthusiasm, and he resisted the urge to hang up the phone with an effort. His head hurt already. Aunt Zi didn't make much sense but he listened to the account of Uncle Guo's silver antique cow creamer and the money Aunt Zi had tried to borrow from Uncle Guo's rival collector, Deveraux, behind Uncle Guo's back to keep the hotel open, and the refusal, and the plan to sell the cow creamer with the accompanying verbal agreement that she could buy it back at the same price the moment she had the money. Yen could see where the story was headed and he wasn't disappointed. Deveraux was quite happy with things the way they were and Aunt Zi was in imminent danger of having to explain to Uncle Guo that she'd swapped his pride and joy for the equivalent of five beans.
It did, however, take Aunt Zi half an hour to get to the point. Which was that she was going to steal the cow creamer back. Yen couldn't help but protest at that, and, once she'd finished explaining exactly what she thought of that kind of language, she informed that that it would be easy. As far as Yen could see she thought that all she'd need to do was walk in Deveraux's front door, grab the cow creamer, and walk out again. In Yen's experience stealing shit tended to be slightly more complicated than that, but since he wasn't in any rush to explain to Aunt Zi that he wasn't exclusively a stunt man and circus performer, experience wasn't a valid argument. He volunteered anyway. He couldn't let his aunt run the risk of going to prison. She didn't seem in the slightest bit surprised by his offer. And she certainly didn't seem in the slightest bit reluctant to take advantage of it.
Shit. He hated being set up.
Thing was, Yen was very good at what he did. World class. In fact, he'd have to say that he was probably the greatest greaseman in living memory and he'd be more than happy to prove it to anyone who thought differently. He was the best at what he did, but what he did didn't include planning on how to steal silver antique cow creamers. He used other people for that sort of thing. And seeing as how he was the best, the people he knew and worked with tended to be the best. And the people he called friends were unquestionably the very best.
He called Rusty and later that evening Danny, Rusty and Linus were sitting in his living room.
Explaining the situation took a while. Even when he wasn't using long words. Eventually he had to resort to threats and insults to stop the constant interruptions and the occasional libellous translation. None of them looked particularly bothered. Well, Linus did. But more in the sense of a man who could neither quite believe or quite understand what he'd just heard.
Finally he got to the end of the story and – glaring – he asked if there were any questions. There'd better not be. There shouldn't be. If there was, he'd know they hadn't been paying attention.
Danny and Rusty exchanged a long look. "Two questions, actually," Danny said at last.
" - What's an antique cow - " Rusty joined in.
" - and why would you want it creamed?" Danny finished with a frown.
Yen offered them one of his politer hand gestures.
"It sounds straightforward enough," Linus broke in quickly. "Right?" he looked round as if seeking confirmation or approval.
Danny smiled. Rusty nodded. "Right. All we have to do is steal the cow, return it before Guo even realises that it's missing and make sure Deveraux doesn't mind that it's gone and doesn't want it back. What could be more straightforward?"
Yen frowned.
"We're in," Danny assured him quickly. "That's - "
" - never the question," Rusty agreed. "Just thinking about the how."
"You'll think of something," Linus said in a tone of utmost confidence.
They looked at him.
"What?" he asked nervously and Yen laughed and pointed out that he'd just discounted himself from any responsibility for the thinking process.
"That's not what I meant," Linus protested. "It's just that they...well..."
Yes. Yen had to agree. They did.
With that thought firmly in his mind, he passed out the papers that he'd spent most of the afternoon carefully writing up.
The other three looked at them in silence for a few seconds. Yen waited. He didn't think it would take long.
"Oh, come on," Linus burst out. "Rules for meeting your family?"
Yen leaned back and looked impassive. It seemed obvious to him, and he said so.
"Some of us aren't good at following rules," Danny said carefully, looking nowhere in particular.
Snorting, Yen suggested that it wasn't only Rusty who had that problem, but that it would be a very good thing if they'd make an effort to follow these rules. Not least because it would make him happy.
Linus was frowning. "Yen, these are laminated."
They were. He'd had quite a lot of time on his hands. And he'd wanted them to take it seriously.
Rusty grinned. "What, you thought we'd respond better to shiny things?"
Yen let his gaze drift pointedly to Rusty's shirt and pointed out that clearly, at least two of them were attracted to shiny things. Rusty laughed and Danny pretended that he didn't understand.
"No swearing?" Linus demanded, reading off the list.
Yen shrugged. It might be a little hypocritical, but family were different. He didn't go round swearing in front of their relatives, after all.
For some reason that explanation left Linus blinking wildly. "Yes you do!"
"He has a point," Danny agreed fairly.
"Remember what you said when you thought Bobby took long to get you through security at De Palmas?" Rusty added.
Oh, that had been completely different. Bobby had definitely taken far too fucking long. He'd had an itchy foot and, since parcels that scratched themselves, were rare, it had been a lifetime of absolute fucking agony.
"You'd rather get treated like a suspicious package?" Rusty asked. "Controlled explosions are rarely as fun as they look."
"You say that now," Danny muttered, frowning at the rules. "We're not to let your family know you're a thief?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
Seemed simple enough.
"We're stealing for your family and you don't want them to know you're a thief," Linus said, stretching the obvious a little. "Don't you think that they'll figure that one out?"
Danny shrugged. "You chew gum and it doesn't make you a baseball player," he pointed out.
Rusty nodded thoughtfully. Yen and Linus blinked.
"Anyway," Linus said eventually. "What does this one mean? No ambiguity."
Ah. He sighed and carefully explained that that one was really more for Danny and Rusty. To be exact, his desire not to lose all of his family to death-by-over-exposure-to-gossip.
There was a second and Danny and Rusty didn't look at each other. "You want us to be unambiguous?" Danny asked innocently. "Oh - "
" - that shouldn't be a problem," Rusty nodded wisely and cheerfully, and leaned back against Danny and Danny's arm snaked automatically over Rusty's shoulder, his hand resting on Rusty's chest, and his other arm wrapped tightly around Rusty's waist. Rusty smiled tenderly and tilted his head back, his face turned towards Danny, his eyes closed...
Yen took a quick glance sideways. Looked like Linus was on the verge of having a heart attack. He sighed, leaned forwards, and smacked the pair of them on the head in turn.
"Ow," Rusty complained.
"What was that for?" Danny added, rubbing the back of his head.
"You don't fuck around," Yen told them calmly.
They grinned.
It was going to be a very long few days.
The Cherry Hotel was exactly as Yen remembered it from the last time he was visiting. Bright, cheerful, full of flowers and about fifty years out of date. Not like Rusty's place. Or Reuben's. Or any of the places they normally stayed in. Hitting the bell at reception, he glanced backwards at the others, daring them to say anything. Linus was the only one paying attention though, and he just looked confused and mouthed 'What?' Rusty was looking at the restaurant dessert menu with an approving smile, and Danny was staring at a bad painting with an abstracted expression.
"Rusty," he said quietly, and Rusty looked away from the menu and wandered over. "Doesn't that look familiar?"
Rusty looked closely at the painting. It showed a bridge over the mouth of a river, somewhere. Some town Yen didn't know. "Yes," Rusty said at last. "We've been there, remember? Muesli - "
" - and rubber duckie fights," Danny nodded, apparently pleased. "I thought so."
Yen spun round and told them exactly what he thought of that.
"Yen!" The scandalised voice came from behind him. "Language!"
Fuck.
Aunt Zi was standing in the doorway, looking at him in shocked disapproval. "I ought to wash your mouth out with soap, young man," she continued, and then, abruptly, she was hugging him. "It's good to see you," she added warmly. "And these must be your friends?" She looked over at the others and blinked slightly at the sight.
Introductions were made and Aunt Zi urged everyone to makes themselves completely at home and refused, firmly, definitely, and in two languages, their attempts to actually pay for their rooms. Yen couldn't help but consider that it might well be this kind of thing that had led to her needing to borrow money from Deveraux in the first place.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Zi added casually, as she was sorting out the room keys. "Your cousin XiuXiu is over at the moment, looking at colleges."
With a sudden feeling of dread, Yen asked the question.
Aunt Zi looked scornful. "Well of course her mother is here. And her grandmother as well. Use your brain, Yen."
Shit. Aunt Ling and Great Aunt Song. Shit, shit shit.
He wondered if it was too late to flee the country.
They ate dinner late and with the family. Yen wondered exactly how it was that he could run over a rope two hundred feet in the air, shut himself in a fridge for hours on end with no clue when he'd be able to get out, or leap from one high speed train to another – and just because they weren't Bullet Trains didn't mean it wasn't impressive – he wondered how he could do all that and never feel scared, and yet the sight of Danny and Rusty talking animatedly to Aunt Zi filled him with a nameless dread.
"It must be a very interesting job," Aunt Zi said enthusiastically.
"Oh, it is," Rusty agreed fervently.
"We get to meet all sorts of interesting people," Danny added.
Yen's eyes narrowed and he wished he hadn't missed the start of this conversation. But he'd been distracted by the need to glare at Linus. He didn't like the way that XiuXiu was looking at Linus. And he certainly didn't like the way XiuXiu was smiling at Linus. If Linus started to look or smile back, there was going to be trouble.
Somehow the conversation had moved on. Maybe. Possibly.
"It's all in how the sugar is spun," Rusty was explaining.
"All in the wrist," Danny nodded.
"Partly in the wrist," Rusty clarified. "Mostly in the taste." He went back to licking caramel sauce off his spoon. Yen wished he wouldn't. Not that he gave a shit under normal circumstances...but he was uncomfortably aware that Great Aunt Song was staring. And, honestly, he preferred when she was just watching 'Legends of the Fall' and making inappropriate remarks.
"Taste is important," Aunt Zi nodded. "But I suppose looks are even more so."
Yen was getting worried.
"In many ways," Rusty said seriously. "But in the end it's - "
" - tradition and style - "
" - flamboyance, ruffles - "
" - knobbly bits - "
" - marzipan - "
" - marzipan? - "
" - and, of course, little people on top."
What the fuck?
"And you must get to go to a lot of weddings," XiuXiu smiled. "I love weddings."
Oh. Oh, wedding cake decorators. He felt relieved. If they had to lie to his family – and they had to lie to his family – that probably wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.
Aunt Ling cleared her throat portentously. "Weddings are happy occasions," she proclaimed. "And your family has been waiting for news that you have found a suitable bride for a very long time now, Yen. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Nothing polite. Nothing dignified. Nothing at all.
All of his female relatives were looking at him expectantly.
He cleared his throat and suddenly Linus was talking to XiuXiu about majors, Danny was talking to Uncle Guo about his collection and Rusty was asking Aunt Zi about the hotel.
Aunt Ling and Great Aunt Song were still looking at him unfortunately. He wondered if pointing out that he'd dated a supermodel would help? Of course, she'd dumped him while he'd been in a bag in Europe. That probably didn't count for much.
Fuck.
They met early the next morning in Danny and Rusty's room. It had been a busy night. For him, anyway. After dinner Aunt Zi had casually mentioned that they were on a strict time limit. Apparently the day after tomorrow, Uncle Guo would be showing his collection off to a couple of friends. And he'd definitely notice the absence of an antique silver cow creamer. Yen had spent most of the rest of the night talking casually to Uncle Guo, trying to get as many details on Deveraux as possible.
He finished his explanation and Danny immediately leapt on the most interesting piece of information. "So some of his collection is stolen?"
Rusty, of course, was just as quick and Yen watched the plan unfold. Eventually they'd get round to filling in the rest of the sentences. "You thinking - "
" - lose one piece - "
" - or lose everything. Right."
"Still - "
" - better - "
" - if it was valueless - "
" - counterfeit a counterfeit?"
"What are we thinking?"
"Maybe a Professor Exposition? And a Hidden Parcel - "
" - with the twist, of course - "
" - of course, and, what?"
"Keep it simple. Bavarian - "
" - fire drill. Right."
They smiled at each other, apparently happy.
Yen turned to check on whether Linus had understood any of that. But Linus wasn't paying any attention at all. He was staring at the far bed. Which was clearly the only bed that had been slept in. Two men, one bed. Of course.
He glanced back at Danny and Rusty. Clearly they'd noticed Linus' focus. And they were smirking. He rolled his eyes.
Linus was the first person he saw when he finally got back that evening. He couldn't really miss him, actually, Linus was sitting in the lounge. With XiuXiu. Talking in soft voices. Her hand on his arm, gazing up at him intently.
Fuck that.
He stomped over and Linus looked up and smiled happily. "Hey, Yen, you get - "
" - Fucker," Yen told him pointedly.
XiuXiu gasped, her hand to her mouth. "I think I had better go. It was nice talking to you, Linus."
"And you," Linus said absently, all his attention focused on Yen. Which was just as it should be. If he even looked at her again..."Yen," what the hell?" Linus hissed as soon as XiuXiu was out of the room.
Yen ignored him. If Linus didn't know what he'd done wrong, Yen certainly wasn't going to tell him. In fact he wasn't going to say a word. He got himself a cup of tea and settled himself, cross-legged, in an overstuffed floral-patterned armchair.
"Now you're ignoring me?" Linus demanded. "Don't you think that's a little childish?"
He considered that for almost half a second before he offered Linus one of his less polite hand gestures.
"Oh, real mature," Linus muttered.
"Did I miss something?" Danny asked brightly, wandering into the room with his hands in his pockets. He glanced from one to the other. "Yen?" he prompted and he clearly wasn't going to take fuck-off for an answer.
With a sigh, Yen explained.
Linus jumped in before he was halfway through. "I was not flirting with your cousin," he exclaimed and the genuinely appalled tone went some considerable way towards appeasing Yen. "She's sixteen for heaven's sake. She was just telling me that she's worried about fitting in at an American college and I was telling her to act confident and be herself. I was just trying to be nice."
Yen blinked. Linus was one of those people it was quite difficult to stay angry at. He grinned slightly and suggested that in future Linus should be more aware of who was flirting with him. And that staying away from your friend's underage cousins was always a good idea.
Danny smiled. "Right, gentlemen. If that's everything sorted out? Where are we?"
Yen ran through the highlights of Deveraux's movements and carefully noted the points where Danny looked thoughtful.
Linus produced a series of notes and photographs of exactly what in Deveraux's collection was stolen. Danny eyed it eagerly and slipped it into his jacket before producing a counterfeit silver antique cow creamer and placing it on the table.
They stared at it in silence.
It was about six inches long, silver, and had a couple of holes in it. And it was undoubtedly cow shaped. Beyond that, Yen had no ideas.
"You sure that he'll be able to tell it's a fake?" Linus asked at last.
"Yeah," Danny nodded. "There's a flaw under the flank. It's tiny; he'll easily believe he could have missed it. But to the trained eye it screams counterfeit."
Yen nodded. Linus looked reassured.
"Soup," Rusty suggested thoughtfully, arriving unexpectedly, a pile of folders in one hand, a cup of hot chocolate in the other, and what appeared to be a mooncake in his shirt pocket.
Danny smiled and took the folders out of his hands, leaving Rusty more capable of collapsing onto the sofa without spilling the chocolate.
"You think so?" Danny asked seriously.
"Uh huh," Rusty nodded. "Think about it. You get cream of tomato, cream of mushroom...why not cream of cow?"
Yen considered pointing out that, bearing in mind where milk mostly came from, cream of cow would, in fact, be cream.
Linus blinked. "Cream of beef, surely," he suggested.
"Nah," Rusty shook his head. "Lots more things you can do with a cow."
"Some of them are even legal," Danny added brightly.
"But you get ox tail soup, right?" Rusty pointed out. "And cow hoof jelly. And cow testicles are a delicacy in Spain."
Danny frowned intently. "Bull testicles, surely," he said slowly.
Rusty stared at the counterfeit silver antique cow creamer. "That's not a bull," he said decidedly.
Yen pointed out that it could have been castrated which earned him three very satisfying looks.
Shrugging, Rusty took a bite of his mooncake.
A thought suddenly occurred. How had Rusty got the mooncake? He asked.
Rusty smiled. "Your Aunt Ling was baking," he said dreamily.
Oh, that wasn't good. Aunt Ling didn't tend to bake for no reason.
"She wanted to know about your love life," Rusty explained further. "If I'd noticed you getting serious about any particular girl."
Fuck. Rusty had sold him down the river for a pastry.
"Don't worry," Rusty said hastily, apparently noticing the frown. "I managed to distract her."
Well, that was something at least.
Danny grinned. "How did you distract her?" he asked with interest.
"Oh, we were right - "
" - unusual," Danny nodded.
" - she was more than willing - "
" - reminiscences - "
" - even a few photos - "
" - Yen's childhood - "
" - by those that were there."
He was staring. He knew he was staring. "What the fuck!" he yelled.
Rusty smiled. "LiLi, a kite, and a tractor, Yen? Really?"
Fuck. That story was absolutely not suitable for public broadcast.
"Don't worry," Danny said sincerely. "We promise that we won't tell anyone."
That was probably the best he could hope for...
"Anyway," Rusty said quickly, just as Yen realised that, actually, Danny couldn't have heard the stories yet. "Professor Richard Cronin has an appointment to view Deveraux's collection tomorrow afternoon. He's written a couple of monographs Deveraux admires, but they've never met."
Danny nodded. "Deveraux is in the process of buying a piano," he told Rusty. That had been one of the things that had made him look thoughtful.
Rusty smiled. "That works. Yen? How do you feel about music?"
He was saved from having to answer by Great Aunt Song wandering into the lounge and starting to pour herself a cup of tea. Danny hid the cow creamer quickly.
Great Aunt Song leaned against the bar, stared over at them – at one of them in particular – and began a long, rambling and above all graphic monologue about exactly what she'd do to Rusty if she was thirty years younger.
Silence fell among them, sudden and awkward, broken only by Great Aunt Song musing on something involving strawberries, honey and a paintbrush.
Yen wondered if he should tell her that Rusty understood every single word she was saying. And, by the lack-of-expression on Danny and Linus' face, they were certainly getting the highlights at least.
Great Aunt Song moved on to thinking about ice cubes, ginger and cayenne peppers, and Yen started to wonder if it was actually possible to die of embarrassment.
It was definitely a piano. Sitting in the middle of the floor, being piano-like.
Danny was leaning on it casually. "We have an hour."
"Right," Rusty smiled, holding up an assortment of tools. "Anyone want to play something before we get started?"
Linus shrugged and picked out 'Chopsticks'.
Once he'd moved away, Yen quickly ran through the first few bars of Chopin's Nocturne No. 5, ending with a complaint that the lower octaves were badly out of tune.
There was no answer and he turned to see that they were all staring at him. He grinned; he wasn't just a pretty face, after all.
"Right," Rusty said, blinking slightly. "Let's get started."
Twenty minutes later and the piano was emptied of workings.
Danny squinted inside. "What do you think?"
He thought that there were probably better places to spend an afternoon than inside a piano.
Linus was looking worried. "What if someone tries to play it? I mean, it's not going to work, right?"
"No," Danny agreed seriously. "It's not going to work."
Rusty held up a handful of piano wire and hammers. "It needed some of this stuff."
"So what happens?" Linus insisted.
Rusty shrugged, produced a tube of Superglue and set to work enthusiastically gluing down the cover over the keys.
"That's your answer to everything," Danny complained lightly and inexplicably.
"Okay, Yen," Rusty said at last. "We're on."
He was right. An afternoon spent inside a piano was no fun at all. Not least because, under Linus' careful direction, the two men carrying the piano dropped it in the front room. Fortunately, judging by the effusive voices coming from the hallway, Deveraux hadn't noticed, being too busy greeting Professor Richard Cronin, or at least Rusty's impression of him. He stayed absolutely still, waiting and then he heard Rusty's voice coming from the hallway. "No, well, I'm planning a lecture tour up the West Coast come September. But nothing till then."
Ah. That meant Rusty had managed to persuade Deveraux to start the tour upstairs. Which meant...he pushed the lid of the piano up and silently sprang out. Now. According to Linus, the silver antique cow creamer should be...right there. On a small pedestal next to the window. He grinned to himself quickly and swapped it for the counterfeit silver antique cow creamer. Then, with a grimace and a brief flash of annoyance towards whoever had thought of this stupid plan, he slid back into the piano. Oh, he was going to be having words with Danny later. Not that it would make the slightest bit of difference.
It was half an hour realtime and about twenty years pianotime before the door of the front door opened and Deveraux and Rusty came in. Rusty was talking. Loudly. Enthusiastically. Persistently.
"...it's all from the Tom Travers collection, of course, originally, but you see, you're really going back to the twenties there, and it's simply fascinating to realise not only how the social relevance and, if you would forgive the crassness of the thought for a moment, the monetary value of the pieces has shifted through that time, but also to realise how the pieces themselves have physically travelled, not only through the years but also around the world – across the Atlantic, if you will, and, you see, even the uninitiated have to accept, when it is explained to them, that this is a testament, you see, to the enduring significance of these works, the peerless attraction, the simplicity of the ornamentation, and it is this, you see, naturally, that makes your collection so impressive and so historically important, don't you agree?"
"Ah, yes," Deveraux said, sounding slightly stunned. Yen couldn't altogether blame him. Linus had once, in a moment of exasperation, asked if Rusty possibly didn't have to breathe like normal people? Livingston had developed a rather troubling cough at that point. "Now, this piece here is really rather interesting."
"Oh, I can see that," Rusty agreed. "Eighteenth century, unless I'm very much mistaken? English design intended to look French, yes?"
"You have a very good eye, Richard," Deveraux commented.
Yen stayed, curled up in boredom and a piano, for another twenty moments while various pieces of tat were exclaimed over. And he got that Rusty knew what he was doing, knew that allaying suspicion was important. It was just that Rusty got to be comfortable while he was doing it.
"Oh," Rusty said finally, sounding surprised.
"What's that...oh. My cow creamer," Deveraux said, and Yen bit his tongue and managed to avoid jumping up and screaming that it was Uncle Guo's cow creamer.
"Yes, quite," Rusty agreed absently. "It's strange...I've seen a piece like this recently."
"Not impossible," Deveraux said casually. "A recent acquisition. You may well have seen it before it came into my possession."
"No, that's not it." Rusty's voice was perfectly thoughtful. He hesitated. "May I count on your discretion?"
"Of course," Deveraux answered instantly.
"On occasion, and now in particular, I do some consulting work for the government."
"What branch?" Deveraux asked cautiously.
"The Federal Bureau of Investigation," Rusty explained. "I'm afraid that it was with my work with them that I saw this piece. Or rather an identical one."
"Identical?" Yen could hear the frown in Deveraux's voice.
"Yes," Rusty agreed. "I'm afraid that someone has been making and selling rather excellent counterfeits of this particular piece. Almost undetectable to anything but short of a full examination."
"This piece?" Deveraux demanded.
"There's a flaw. Let me see...yes, yes, look, you see?"
"Damn," Deveraux said heavily.
"Listen," Rusty said after a pause. "As sorry as I am that this has happened to you, this could be very important in the apprehension of the criminals behind this unfortunate incident. I'm sure that you want to phone the police, but can I ask that we first of all contact a friend of mine? Special Agent Drew Baker. He's working on this case at the moment, he's the one I consult for. He's actually in town now, I'm sure he would come straight over if I phoned him."
"He's working on this case?" Deveraux asked. "So it would just be him? I wouldn't need to get the police involved at all?"
"Nooo," Rusty said slowly. "I suppose not."
Yen grinned. Just as they'd thought; with a house full of stolen antiques, Deveraux would do anything to keep clear of the police.
"Oh, please understand, Richard," Deveraux explained hastily. "I have no wish to see the local police trampling through my house. Quite uncivilised."
"Yes, I can understand that," Rusty agreed affably. "I'll phone my friend then."
Thirty minutes realtime, fifty years pianotime, and several lifetimes worth of listening to Deveraux and Rusty sip wine and make excruciatingly dull small-talk later, Special Agent Drew Baker, also known as Danny Ocean, was shown into the living room.
"This piece here, Richard?" he asked apparently leaping straight into the heart of the matter.
At this stage in the proceedings Yen welcomed that.
"Yes, that is the one," Rusty agreed.
"Mmm." There was a long pause, and Yen assumed that Danny was examining the counterfeit silver antique cow creamer carefully. "Yes. I see. Like the others, huh?"
"Precisely," Rusty said fussily.
"Mmm. Where, exactly, did you obtain this item, sir?" Danny asked formally.
"A Mrs. Lu," Deveraux said eagerly. "She lives at the Cherry Hotel over on Twenty Third. You think that she could involved? She's a Chink, you know, and you can't trust them."
Yen scowled and managed to contain himself with an unbelievable effort. There was a satisfying crash and an even more satisfying high pitched scream.
"Oh, Mr. Deveraux, I am so sorry," Rusty exclaimed, the apology sounding impressively genuine. "I didn't see you there."
"Quite all right, Richard," Deveraux said, shakily, after a couple of seconds. "No real harm done."
"Anyway, Mr. Deveraux, we shall certainly be investigating this Mrs. Lu. Now, could you tell...I'm sorry. This piece here. The tureen. May I ask where you got this?"
According to Linus, he'd got it from Joseph Danby, who'd got it from a man named Fingers Cassidy, who'd got it from its rightful owners. Assuming that the obvious was far too obvious, Danny and Rusty had spent twenty infuriating moments considering what a man could do to earn a nickname like fingers.
"Um, I'm afraid I don't remember off the top of my head," Deveraux said nervously. "An auction I believe. House clearance. Quite normal."
"Yes, well," Danny began disapprovingly. "I - "
" - Really, Drew," Rusty interrupted. "The silver antique cow creamer is the matter under discussion at the moment. Now, there are tests that I'd like to run, Drew?"
"Of course," Danny said gravely. "Mr. Deveraux, may we have your permission to take it off your hands? You'll get a receipt, naturally."
"Of course, of course," Deveraux said hastily, clearly wanting to cooperate in any way that would get Danny away from the things he knew he'd done wrong. "Anything you like."
"Well, thank you, let me just write this up..." A long, long pause. "There. Now, I've signed there and there, Mr. Deveraux, if you could sign there...thank you, and Richard, will you witness it? Thank you very much."
There was a loud ringing noise and Deveraux muttered something and vanished into the hallway, and a few moments later Linus' voice could be heard.
"No, you see, sir, I'm afraid there was a terrible mistake earlier. We delivered the wrong piano. We had two in the truck, you see, and we must have unloaded the wrong one. The one you got was being taken back to the shop for repair."
"Well, this isn't exactly - " Deveraux tried.
" - now, just you sit tight, and we'll be out of your hair in a moment," Linus assured him, and his voice was louder and suddenly Yen's piano was being lifted in the air. Finally.
"We really need to be going, I'm afraid, Mr Deveraux," Rusty said regretfully. "Duty calls, I'm afraid. You've done a great service today."
"Oh, good, good," Deveraux said, distracted and baffled. "Perhaps we could continue the tour some other time?"
"I'd like that," Rusty agreed, and then the piano hit lightly against the door on the way out, and Yen swore silently and stopped listening.
He unfolded himself, climbed out of the piano and leapt lightly to the ground, glaring at Linus all the time. Parker and Keith, the two staff from the music shop were staring at him open mouthed.
"Wow," Parker said at last, and Yen was prepared to accept that was at least a little bit acceptable.
Keith turned to look at Linus. "Danny said - "
Wordlessly, Linus handed over an envelope stuffed with cash.
"Thanks, Linus," Keith grinned and the two headed back towards their truck.
Linus watched them leave and sighed. "You know, between that and the commission that they got on the two pianos, I think they've probably come out of this best."
Yen shrugged. It hadn't been about the money, after all. Which, admittedly, was just as well.
Checking that the silver antique cow creamer was safely in his pocket, he started to cross the street, towards the bar where they'd agreed to meet Danny and Rusty.
"Hey! You!" A hand jerked him backwards and he found himself staring up at a uniformed cop.
Oh. Fuck.
His mind was already racing with exactly how they could have been caught when the cop carried on talking. "What do you think you're doing? Jaywalking is against the law, you know."
Jaywalking? Jaywalking? Shit. Of all the laws he'd ever broken, that had to be the most pointless, and he started to explain exactly what he thought of the police wasting his time.
The cop frowned, looking more and more unhappy.
Linus leapt in quickly. "Uh, I think that's enough. We're sorry, sir, for inconveniencing you. We promise it won't happen again."
Your friend was rude to me," the cop said slowly. "There's a zero tolerance policy on - "
" - Rude to you?" Linus interrupted, his voice and expression a complete mask of puzzlement. "He was apologising."
For a second the cop looked uncertain, then disapproval reasserted itself. "It didn't sound like any kind of apology."
Linus looked shocked. "Officer, I hope that wasn't a remark based on racist assumptions. I can assure you that my friend was apologising. Chinese is a very different language from English, and a completely different culture. Tone is important to express meaning not emotion. You know, I'm really disappointed by this ethnocentric attitude. Could I perhaps trouble you for your badge number, sir?"
"I definitely heard the word 'fuck'," the cop protested.
Sighing heavily, Linus explained. Or, rather, lied. "'Phuk' is the word for sorry. Well, rather, to be precise, it's one of eleven words for sorry, used in different contexts and to different people in order to express depth of apology. I assure you, my friend was showing you the depth of his respect for you and for the fine office you represent."
Yen nodded solemnly.
The cop was looking decidedly baffled. "Well, I think I'm inclined to let this go," he said at last, and Yen thought that was probably to get as far away from Linus as possible.
"Thank you, officer," Linus said, sounding humble and grateful. "You're doing - "
" - get away from my nephew, you pig!" Aunt Zi screeched, running up to the cop and battering him with her umbrella.
All three men were frozen for a few seconds, locked in a moment of genuine and heartfelt astonishment.
"Yen doesn't have an evil bone in his body," she continued. "He's never committed a crime in his life! I don't care what evidence you've planted on him, I can assure you he's entirely innocent, and you will be hearing from my lawyer." She hit the cop with her umbrella again and he grabbed it off her.
With a feeling of inevitable dread, Yen watched the cop call for backup.
He was almost certain that he could squeeze out the cell window. If he had to. And; since Aunt Zi had been steadily going on about his incompetence at getting caught and such a good thing she'd been following him, and since Linus was lying on the bench pretending not to be sniggering to himself; escaping – and leaving both of them behind – was looking pretty fucking attractive.
He briefly indulged the fantasy as Aunt Zi started on again about how she should have just gone with her first plan and pinched the thing herself.
"And another thing," she added, glaring at him. "Ling does have a point. When are you going to get married? You're not a child anymore, you know, Yen. You need to think about these things carefully. And there are benefits to married life, you know. You don't want to die a virgin, I can assure you."
Linus almost managed to divert his laughter into a coughing fit.
Yen glared at him for a second and then leaned forwards and – in a very quiet voice – explained to Aunt Zi that there were reasons he wasn't married, glancing significantly at Linus all the time. He sat back satisfied as she blinked owlishly at him. There. That should stop the questions. In fact, with any luck, it should stop his family talking to him altogether.
Aunt Zi took a long, thoughtful look at Linus. "He seems a nice boy," she said at last. "I'm happy for you."
His jaw dropped. That wasn't part of the plan.
"Now," she frowned. "What do you know about his family? Have you met his parents yet?"
Yen blinked stupidly at her.
"And when are you planning on getting married, anyway?" she went on.
Carefully he pointed out that wasn't exactly encouraged, either here or back home.
She gave an exasperated sigh. "Don't be so insular, Yen. There are plenty of countries that have a different outlook. The ceremony is the important thing. Having your families gathered to see you make an honest man of that poor boy."
Yen was saved from the need to bang his head off the wall by the sound of the cell door swinging open.
"Having fun,?" Danny asked from the doorway.
Linus stood up, stretching and yawning. "Took you long enough," he complained.
Danny shrugged. "We could have stopped for a couple of drinks before we decided whether or not to look for you."
Yen helped Aunt Zi to her feet and pointed out that they hadn't because they were predictable and late, and where was Rusty anyway?
"Discussing things with the desk sergeant," Danny explained as they walked past, his eyes narrowed and apparently not especially happy with being called predictable. They were predictably loyal. Yen really didn't see why they'd have a problem with that.
"Are we free to go?" Aunt Zi asked Danny.
"Yes you are," Danny confirmed. Then he smiled at Yen. "Getting your own aunt arrested now, Yen? You're even worse than Linus."
"Hey," Linus protested indignantly.
Yen waited until Aunt Zi wasn't looking and made a pointed gesture at Danny.
"Well I'm glad that they saw the error of their ways," Aunt Zi declared, indignation still colouring her voice. "Honestly, the nerve of them. Treating us like common criminals."
It was the 'common' part he objected to. He wanted to be treated like an extraordinary criminal. Not a jaywalker.
"I've a good mind to complain," Aunt Zi added.
"I wouldn't," Danny said with a casualness that bordered on the urgent. "It won't achieve anything." He led them out of the cell block and out ot the custody desk.
Rusty was indeed discussing something with the desk sergeant. If that's what you wanted to call it. The discussion seemed to involve a lot of smiling and sitting close together.
"You need to put your tongue further forwards," Rusty was telling her intently. He didn't look round at them. More importantly, neither did she. "That should help you get the right sound."
Danny was looking amused. "Personal possessions?" he murmured.
"Third shelf," the sergeant told him, not taking her eyes off Rusty. "Oh, thank you. I mean I do my best with the DVDs and I've been to a couple of night classes, but, well, you know."
"It's just no substitute for the real thing," Rusty nodded and Yen was almost certain that he was mostly talking about travel.
"I'd love to go to Paris," she said dreamily.
"It's beautiful," Rusty told her. "You should go."
"On my salary?" She laughed. "I wish."
Danny emerged from the store room behind the desk with a few trays of their stuff. Yen quickly took possession of everything that belonged to him. Aunt Zi seized the antique silver cow creamer triumphantly, as though it were a spoil of war.
"Anything need signed?" Danny asked, clearing his throat.
The sergeant passed a clipboard over absently and didn't seem to notice when Danny supplied all the signatures. "So, uh, how do you say 'Can I have your number, please?'" she asked hesitantly.
Yen listened carefully to Rusty's answer and made a mental note of the phrase for future occasions.
"Of course you can," she told Rusty promptly and with a giggle, and judging by the smile Rusty had been expecting the trick. She scribbled something down in her notebook and tore the page out. Were they supposed to do that? He didn't think they were supposed to do that. "Call me if you have any more...linguistic tricks you'd like to show me," she added with a smile.
Rusty grinned and folded the paper carefully and put it away in his wallet.
They walked out of the police station and Danny was shaking his head. "Shameless," he complained lightly.
"What?" Rusty demanded.
"You're going to call her," Danny answered.
"Probably, yes," Rusty nodded. "She was funny."
Danny sighed. "Remember last time? Eric?"
"Oh, that was completely different," Rusty said firmly. "For a start, it was Tahiti. Completely different from Paris."
That was true, though probably not the point. Yen couldn't figure out whether they'd forgotten that they weren't alone or whether they were playing for the audience. Certainly Linus was looking confused, and causing that had been one of Danny and Rusty's favourite past times since he'd known them.
"Uh huh," Danny said wisely. "Let's review the pattern, shall we? You meet a cop you like – and what is it with that, anyway? You whisk her – or him – away to excitement and exotic locales, and Eric - "
" - it all worked out in the end," Rusty insisted. "Eventually. Sort of."
Danny pursed his lips. "Only thanks to - "
" - yes, yes," Rusty soothed. "You're a wonderful person."
"Now I know you're being sarcastic," Danny noted. "You took Eric to Tahiti. And Eric took his uniform. And his handcuffs. And - "
" - his night stick," Rusty grimaced. "Thanks. I remember."
There was a long exchange of looks and Linus had gone from looking confused to looking disbelieving and traumatised. Yen couldn't exactly blame him. There were at least two possible interpretations to all that, and Yen wasn't sure which disturbed him more. If Aunt Zi weren't here, he'd have a few comments to make.
He glanced back at Aunt Zi quickly. She was still looking between him and Linus thoughtfully.
Fuck. He had a feeling he was engaged.
Eventually, he'd probably have to tell Linus.
Goodbyes were excruciating. In this case, he'd listened to Uncle Guo deliver a long and rambling speech on different types of fish, that he thought was probably metaphorical. He just wasn't quite sure what it was supposed to mean. He'd watched XiuXiu blush and giggle everytime she saw either him or Linus, and the only blessing there was that she didn't seem to want to flirt with Linus anymore. He'd managed to distract Aunt Zi from asking whether he preferred Canada or Holland for the ceremony, and hadn't quite managed to persuade her not to ask Danny and Rusty to design the wedding cake. Apparently it was going to be in the shape of a rabbit. He wasn't quite sure why.
He'd done all that, and now he was listening to Great Aunt Song explaining exactly why, if he was going to sleep with a man, he should have chosen Rusty. Something about the hips, apparently.
Linus came storming over. "Yen, your family think we're dating!" he hissed.
Yen nodded grimly. They did.
"Well, tell them we're not!" Linus suggested.
He sighed. That was the sort of explanation he'd rather make from a distance. Preferably a distance of at least a continent.
Aunt Ling marched up to them. "Ah, there you are. Have you decided whether you're going to adopt or use a surrogate?" she demanded loudly.
Linus was staring. Yen was too.
She frowned heavily. "These things are important," she said sternly. "You have a duty to the next generation."
Yen stared round wildly. Great Aunt Song was staring at her tea leaves, suggesting that Rusty's mouth was also something that Yen should take a second look at. Linus was gaping like a fish who'd quite like to get back into the water. No help there.
Apparently taking pity on him, Danny and Rusty shimmered up. "Ling," Rusty smiled and, to Yen's minor astonishment, she actually smiled back. "You promised you'd tell me all about Yen's time on the soccer camp. With the mice?"
"Oh, yes," she agreed, seemingly instantly distracted, and she took his arm and the two walked off.
Blinking, Yen turned and glared at Danny.
"Hey, I didn't do anything," Danny pointed out.
That wasn't the way they worked. Yen glared harder and suggested that he might just track down some of their relatives and seek out embarrassing stories.
Danny shrugged. "If you like," he said with a smile.
Too confident. Yen's eyes narrowed. "Saul," he declared.
For a fraction of a second, Danny's smile froze. Yen grinned. Perfect.
A moment later, Rusty walked back towards them, phone in hand. "Anyone fancy a trip to London?" he asked cheerfully. "Apparently Basher's going to be arrested if we don't do something."
Another country. Even better. He glanced round the room and decided that he could easily wait a few years before seeing any of his relatives again.
Besides, Basher was in trouble. And the trouble with family was that you didn't particularly want to see them arrested. No matter how lunatic and annoying and reckless they were.
Like I said, a week late. Hope it was worth it. ;)