I gave you all
Rip the earth in two with your mind
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
I never meant you any harm
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm
She was ripped from heaven. That had got to hurt. Still, she was here, in his arms, crying her heart out, and not trying to kill herself to go back to that peaceful place. She should have been dead. Red just couldn't let it go.
For that Spike was grateful. For seeing her alive, to be able to touch her and feel her soft skin again. He knew that Buffy didn't love him, and he knew that she actually hated his sorry ass. So he just held the Slayer as she wept, hoping that her feelings would soften towards him.
Spike couldn't blame her. He had been killing for over hundred years, and had enjoyed it. Still would, without the sodding chip that the Initiative had planted in his head.
The englishman didn't know what to think about the chip anymore. Sure, without it he still would be murdering, raping and burning places down. And with him would be his Dark Queen, and she would laugh and dance with the flames, with that twisted, yet child-like expression on her face that he used to love so much. Back then he and Drusilla were painting the world red, together. But things change, and so did Spike. Sure, he enjoyed still killing, but couldn't harm humans anymore. To satisfy his needs for violence, he started to help Buffy slay demons and vampires, and became a renegade to the demon world.
He didn't belong to the underworld anymore, and Buffy and her friends hated his guts. Spike really had no place to go. But he loved the Slayer, so he followed her around like a lovesick puppy, waiting to be loved and told that he was being a good boy. How abject, Spike thought and felt sickened. Until he saw that the girl that he should have hated had fallen asleep in his arms. She looked beautiful, with her long blond hair and fucked up makeup from all the crying. As she peacefully slept there in Spike's arms he felt a warm feeling in his motionless heart. Maybe, just maybe Buffy could love him after all.
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Still, it was hard, for Buffy was quite messed up. And it just hurt so much to see the strong woman that Spike had learned to love being so weak and lost. She longed death, Spike could feel it.
"Every Slayer has a death wish, even you", he had said to her outside the Bronze. Back then Spike would have loved to dance the death dance with her, but now he was only hoping that she wouldn't let go.
"Looking for a piece of the big bad toothless vampire, love?" Spike said, teasing. He grinned and tried to hide his grief and disappointment when he saw Buffy's hungry eyes. He knew that the blonde came to him only for sex, to feel alive again. Still, he couldn't help but wishing that it was more than that. That she would some day come to his crypt, and instead of making love, they would talk, about anything, really. And she would laugh and Spike could see the life back in her hazel eyes.
"Come on, goldilocks. I don't have all night."
I close my eyes for a while
And force from the world a patient smile
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"You're disgusting, Spike", Buffy said to him when he had said something that the slayer didn't want to hear. "You're an evil, soulless.. Thing..!" She rose up from Spike's bed and left in a hurry, eyes filled with shame and repulsion.
How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
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Spike was tired. He was tired of Buffy using him, but still couldn't say no when she came to his crypt. He thought, that maybe if he would satisfy her every need, she would see that she loved him. That if he could stand it long enough, she could see that there was good in him.
Sure, he was soulless, but many people with souls weren't as good as he was now. Spike helped around the Slayer's house, he helped her to patrol, he kept company to the niblet, and what did he get? Hateful words from Buffy, saying that she would never love him, and that the thing that they had was over, just to see her returning, wanting more of his body.
Oh, how would he had loved that back in the days that he hadn't got the bloody chip in his head and was carefree. A beautiful woman who only wanted sex, no strings attached. It would have been delicious, to first bang the shit out of her, and then share her blood with Drusilla. That would have been a thing of beauty. The preys blood had always tasted better after having sex with them.
But then again, things weren't like they used to be, and Spike let his feelings walk out of his crypt, letting only lust stay.
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won
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Spike was doing all he could. He let Buffy beat him up, (okay, he couldn't hit her because of his chip, but he didn't complain when she needed to blow some steam off) and he let her use him to satisfy her sexual needs. He was trying his best to be a better person, or a vampire technically, but the Slayer still pushed his efforts away.
He would never admit it, but her words really hurt. Like thousand stakes would go through his body, all over again, he felt, as Buffy kissed him. Her lips were hungry, but still repulsed at the same time. She was like a kid who hadn't eaten or drinked for days, and was forced to drink water full of shit and other trashes. Buffy was drinking the dirty water, not because she liked it, but because she had to, to be able to survive. It hurt so bad, to give her everything she needed, and more. To give her everything he had.
But I gave you all
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Riley came to town. It made Spike want to strangle everyone. Buffy was probably going to go back together with him. He was safer than Spike, but the vampire felt that if Buffy would go and live a happy life with the soldier-boy, she would just go the easy way. It would numb Buffy eventually. She needed a little monster in her men, that turned her on. Though she didn't admit it, still he knew.
The brit hated this, being jealous over the darn Slayer. He liked to think that he was stronger than that, that he could overcome their problems and make Buffy love him, like she should.
He didn't want to bloody care about her feelings and that kind of nonsense! The old Spike would have just taken her, and she wouldn't have had a single thing to say about it. For his over hundred years of living a vampire, he had learned that you couldn't have the things you wanted asking nicely. You had to stop being a bloody poof, and take control and take what you want, darn the consequences.
He heard footsteps, and immediatly took a tough expression. "So she's back. Thought you'd be off
snogging with the soldier-boy." Spike said trying to act like he didn't care even if Buffy would have
been saying that she is pregnant with the military-moron's baby. "He's gone." Buffy said quite silently, and didn't sound aggressive or disgusted like she used to. A new hope rose to Spike's chest. Still, he decided to act cool, until he was completely sure that Buffy might have changed her mind.
"So you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown up, but then, that was never our.." Buffy interrupted him. "I'm not here to.. And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered."
He wasn't a dum bloke. But this didn't sound right. "So this is worst then, is it, this is you telling me.." Buffy looked kind of sad then when she again interrupted him, as if she wouldn't want him to guess it, but to tell it herself. "It's over." No. No. This wasn't right. This was not supposed to happen! Who was she kidding. Spike knew what she wanted, maybe even betten than the blonde did.
"I've memorized this tune, love. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want."
"I know that." She admitted. "I do want you. Being with you... makes things.. simpler. For a little while." What the bleeding hell was she talking about? Why only a little while? Why? Spike wanted to crawl back into his destroyed bed and forget the sodding Slayer. But he couldn't, he had to get through this conversation.
"I don't call five hours straight a little while." He joked, and almost waited her to punch him in the face and say that he wasn't being funny. Instead she just looked kind of sad and disappointed. "I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just.. being weak, and selfish." This was.. It couldn't be happening. Couldn't! He had thought that Buffy's hateful words would have hurt. But it turned out that they were nothing compared to this. When she softly said that she can't love him. It made it more final. "Really not complaining here." He said, and his voice was small, full of hurt, like a man who had lost everything he held dear.
And you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won
"And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry... William." Then she left. With her left Spike's whole life, and it was like he was dying again.
Well now you've won