Disclaimer: Gaelen Kerr does not, in any way, profit from the publishing of this story. The creative rights to all established characters belong to their original creator(s).
His heart felt like it had been torn out. The searing pain had now lessened to a throbbing ache – and he couldn't help but wonder why he did it. Walking down the street alone, Danny barely acknowledged the people he passed. They were all a blur to him, nothing but shapes and dull sounds as he tried to wrap his mind around the situation he was in; one that left him wandering the streets alone with his heart aching like never before.
After all the times he'd tried to get her to open up to him, she turned away, and now it was his turn to withdraw. He didn't know what to do, he froze and did what he had done all his life; he shut everyone out. Danny had done things he regretted in his past, everyone did. But his past would rear its ugly head and it chose to do so now, when for once in his life he was happy with the woman he loved; Lindsay "Montana" Monroe.
She was his light, she was his strength, but even through all that they had been together, he was too afraid to talk to her; to tell her of his past. He knew why; he saw himself as a broken man and his own insecurities convinced him that no one would ever love him the way he wanted to be loved. Moving from one woman to the next, only to satisfy his sexual cravings, to him they weren't enough. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to love and be loved. He had his friends; Stella, Flack, Hawkes and even Mac, but none of them loved him the way he wanted to be loved, none of them, save one; his Montana.
She had been by his side throughout countless ordeals. From Louie's incident to Aiden's death, she had always been by his side for which he could never repay her. But that didn't stop him from trying. From the very first time he laid eyes on her, he knew he had feelings he couldn't deny. Granted, it started out as dislike and irritation; his feelings slowly changed into friendship and then more. He needed more, he needed her.
But unlike a fairytale, life would never allow such a straight and easy path towards happiness. He wanted to be with her, drinks and a few laughs, but she pushed him away saying that it wasn't him but her. She had her own problems to deal with, and he respected that. He promised her as well as himself that he would always be there for her, whenever she needed him.
As months passed, he noticed her pulling back more and more, until it came to a point where they hardly spoke to one another. It killed him on the inside knowing that he couldn't do anything to help her. That was until that day when he received the card that told him she was going back to Montana. She couldn't say goodbye to him in person. Maybe she didn't want to say goodbye. His heart skipped a beat realising the hope that came with that card
Weeks passed as his separation from her began to drive him insane. He buried himself in his work, but life would never allow him to solve his problems that way. Her image was burned into his mind; wherever he went she was always in his mind, always there. But just as he began to wonder whether it was all worth it, he made a decision to find her. He promised her he'd be there for her, and he was going to keep that promise.
Going to Montana had to have been one of the largest leaps he had ever taken. He didn't know if she wanted him there, he didn't know how she would react. But to his happiness, she welcomed his presence, telling him that she needed the strength; the strength only he could provide. He learned of the case she was involved with and for the first time saw the demons that had plagued her for her entire life. But the outcome of the case had put those demons to rest and for once, he was happy that she had been relieved of the burden she was carrying. With her past no longer haunting her, she opened up to him, and he was happy to be her rock. Since that day they were inseparable, until now when his own past decided to interfere with his growing happiness. He had always been there for her and her for him. She had opened up to him, sharing with him her deepest secrets, which now only the two of them know. Yet he couldn't will himself to talk to her about his own secrets.
His thoughts drifted between guilt and sadness as he walked, not knowing where he was headed. He knew what he did wasn't fair, yet he never could muster the strength to fight his past. He couldn't tell her, he just didn't know how. He was afraid; he was afraid of losing her.
"Please tell me Danny," begged Lindsay. For hours now Danny had been sitting on the couch blankly staring at the window, fear and sadness prominently showing on his face. She didn't know what had happened at the crime scene and Danny had been silent even through her pleas to talk to her.
"I…I… I can't…" started Danny, turning away from her out of guilt. He didn't know how to tell her. He didn't know what to tell her. The woman that had been murdered that night gave a startling resemblance to a woman he once knew. Someone from his past; the past he worked so hard to leave behind.
Lindsay didn't know what was happening. After all they had been through together the past few months; his soothing words to her, giving her the strength to move forward, allowing her the freedom to pour out her soul and her demons. He told her that he would always be there for her, she trusted him. Yet he wouldn't let her in, his walls fortifying him within himself. She didn't know why, didn't he trust her?
"I can't believe you Danny!" Lindsay yelled. On the verge of tears, she could help but feel bitter towards his actions. "After all those things you said to me, I let you in and now you shut me out? People in relationships aren't supposed to keep things from each other Danny."
He winced at her tone of voice. Her anger wasn't misdirected. He knew it wasn't fair to her but he couldn't. He didn't have the strength. On the verge of tears himself, he got up and headed for the door. He turned back once before leaving, letting one stray tear fall from his eyes.
"I'm sorry Lindsay…"
He had lost all track of time but it seemed as though he'd been walking for hours. He had walked out on her and he didn't know what to do anymore. She was his life, his rock, his home, and he had left without an explanation. He knew he needed to talk to her, but he didn't know what to say. He was afraid of what she would say. Running his hands through his hair in frustration, Danny headed back towards Lindsay's apartment.
Standing outside her door, he took a few minutes to gather his courage before knocking on her door. As he stood there waiting for her to open it, Danny began to wonder once again if he'd completely destroyed her trust. Truth be told, he couldn't blame her. What he did was cowardly, and somehow he didn't care. He froze; he didn't know what to do. Confusion and uncertainty plagued his mind as he waited, until he heard the sound of the door opening.
Looking up at her, he saw anger etched into her features and just a hint of worry. He looked down at his feet guiltily knowing that he was the case of her pain.
"I'm sorry," whispered Danny.
"So am I," replied Lindsay before promptly shutting the door in his face.
Shocked registered on Danny's face as his clouded brain tried to make sense of what just happened. A part of him wanted to run, far away and to rid his problems with alcohol, but another part of him registered panic as he realized that the love of his life had closed him off. As much as Danny wanted to run, he couldn't move; his feet planted firmly on to the ground refusing follow. As he stood there in the middle of the hallway, in front of her door, the lone tear that fell from his eyes went unnoticed.
It was then that the memories came rushing back, flooding his mind as though forcing him to relive the most cherished of moments he had spent with her. Danny's eyes blinked closed as the tears began to fall freely. Danny leaned onto the door for support as his feet began to give. Leaning his forehead onto the door, his tears began to pool between his feet. As the memories began to force its way in, Danny felt himself fall into a heap in front of her door.
Her smell, her smile, her pout, the way she looked when concentrating on a case, the way her eyes twinkled when he called her Montana, the way she said his name, how she fit perfectly in his arms, what she felt like first thing in the morning, everything came back.
He felt cold and empty, as though someone had cut him open and taken a vital part of him out; his heart. He couldn't feel anything aside from remorse, sadness and anger. Overwhelming sadness at the loss he felt when she closed the door on him, anger at his own stupidity and insecurities. Questions flew through his mind as he tried to figure out why it happened the way it did.
"Why couldn't I tell her? Why did I leave? Why?" he whispered more to himself than anyone else.
On the other side of the door sat Lindsay with her head in her hands, sobbing quietly as she heard his whispers. As her tears fell, she remembered the way he looked before leaving her apartment earlier. She saw the tear that fell and could see the pain he was going through in his eyes. But he wouldn't tell her why. He wouldn't share with her his pain, his sorrows, and his anguish. Didn't he trust her? Thinking over those countless times he told her he loved her; none of them seemed to give her the closure she desperately wanted from him. She wanted him to tell her the truth; she wanted to face his demons with him. She loved him.
Her heart broke as she heard his whispered plea.
No longer caring if anyone saw him, Danny could help but let his tears flow. The pain he felt in his chest was far worse than any pity some bystander could give him. He didn't care. All thoughts that flew through his mind were of Lindsay, and the possibility of never holding her in his arms again. He was never one to cry save the hardest of times. He'd cried when he had his back injury and he'd cried when Louie was put into a coma. But he didn't cry at Aiden's funeral; he had to be strong; for her and for himself. He didn't want everyone to see his own softer side, his own insecurities his weaknesses. Mac was the only one of his friends to have ever seen him cry, but at the moment he didn't care. He needed Lindsay and aside from that, he couldn't give a damn if the world moved on without him.
His throat hitched as another bout of tears hit before letting out a whispered plea towards the door.
"I need you Lindsay, please don't leave me…."
Her tears stopped as those words reached her ears. Never before had she ever heard such raw emotion in his voice. She could feel his pain, she felt his sense of helplessness and she didn't know what else to do. Looking up at the ceiling, she closed her eyes as her own memories swept her away. He had been there for her. No matter how many times she pushed him away, he was always there by her side, ready to catch her if she fell. He didn't care if she didn't want him to catch her; he wasn't going to give her a choice. But now, the tables were turned and he was the one falling, and here she was sitting on the floor full of self pity. But hearing his plea gave her strength. For once it wasn't her who needed him, but he needed her.
Standing up, she straightened after taking a breath. She needed to be strong for him, just the way he had done for her. Reaching for the door handle, Lindsay took another deep breath before pulling the door open. Once again, her heart clenched seeing Danny on the floor, his head leaning between his knees, his hands over his face. She could see the tears that continued to fall from his face as she realised that he hadn't heard her.
Danny jumped when he felt a hand grasping his own. Looking up, almost annoyed at the intrusion, his face softened when he saw Lindsay looking down at him. He didn't know what to expect but seeing her made his heart lift. His heart soared as his eyes locked with hers. In her eyes he could see everything. He saw her worry, her anger but most importantly, he was acceptance and he saw love.
He complied as she pulled him up onto his feet, swaying slightly before she caught him in a tight embrace. Recovering from his daze, he held her tight; relishing the feel of her against him as he buried his face in her hair. Unable to form any coherent thoughts, Danny could only let loose a simple yet emotion filled whisper.
"I'm sorry."
Slightly pulling back from his tight embrace, Lindsay looked up into his eyes seeing only sincerity and love. No words were needed as she stepped out of his arms and held on tightly to his hand as she pulled him into the apartment, guiding him to the couch. Leaving him shortly to lock the door, she saw him silently watch her as she moved. As though in another world, he jumped as he felt her take his hands in hers, pulling him down onto the seat beside her.
"Lindsay, I…I…," stuttered Danny. He knew he had to tell her why he left, but he didn't know how.
"Danny…you don't have to do this," said Lindsay softly.
Taking a deep breath, he plunged in, not knowing what the outcome would be. "I don't know what to say to you," said Danny as he began to look up at her. Locking onto her eyes, he couldn't help but look down again out of guilt. He could see her pain and he was the cause of it all.
"I really don't know what to say, or how to explain myself," Danny began. "I've always told you I'd be there for you and that you could open up to me. But I can't seem to do the same with myself. I know it's not fair to you, but I just don't know how to do it Lindsay," he pleaded.
Seeing that Lindsay didn't move, Danny continued. "I know I told you that it would be easier to share your pain, but the truth is, I don't know how to, and I'm scared Lindsay. I'm scared…"
Moving closer to him, Lindsay grasped both his hands tightly in hers. "Scared of what Danny?"
Looking into her eyes once more, Danny couldn't help but let the tears fall. "Of losing you…" he whispered.
Seeing the pain he was going through tore her apart. Moving closer to him, she pulled him into a tight hug before planting a soft kiss on his lips. "You'll never lose me Danny," she whispered.
"I'm scared that if you knew everything you'd change your mind about me, about us. You mean everything to me Linds, I don't know what I'd do without you," he said softly, his breathing slowing down. "I've seen things in my past, done things in my past that I want to forget, but every time I do, it comes back and haunts me. I can't lose you too Montana."
"I want these damn insecurities to go away. I want to believe that you love me for me. I want to move on Lindsay but every time I do it comes back. You know I'd do anything for you Linds, I love you so much but I can't seem to stop thinking that you'll leave me for the next guy who comes along just because I'm broken. You deserve better than that, better than me,"
Hearing what he just said, she slapped him – hard, before pulling him back to her. "Listen to me Danny. I don't give a damn about the next guy that comes along. Why would I if I already have the man I love with me."
Looking at her, Danny could help but feel a rush of happiness flow through his veins. She had said 'the man I love' and nothing else. She truly did love him and his mind couldn't move beyond what she had said.
"Your past is a part of you Danny; it made you the person who you are today. The man I fell in love with. I wouldn't change a thing because I love you for who you are on the inside Danny, imperfections and all. You know my past, I'm broken too, but you're still here, continued Lindsay.
At that very moment, Danny Messer could have died and would have been happy. Here was a woman who loved him for him. Not merely by his eyes, or his arms, or his ass. No, here was a woman that looked further in, beyond the physical appearance into his soul. She loved him for who he was, broken or not, something he had never experienced before, and he vowed to himself to never let her go ever again.
Taking Danny's head into her hands once again, she looked into his eyes. The way she looked at him made Danny feel as though she was seeing straight into his very soul.
"I love you Danny Messer, and nothing is going to change that," said Lindsay, as though urging him to believe her.
Moving closer, Danny leaned in and gave her a kiss before pulling her tight against him once more. "You can tell me anything Danny, and I will be here right next to you no matter what. I promise."
Pulling her tighter against him, he buried his face in her hair, relishing her scent.
"I love you," whispered Danny, offering her a silent thank you.
"I love you too Danny, you'll always be my man."
A/N: Thoughts? Suggestions? Please review and share them.