This idea came to me suddenly, and it seemed crazy enough to work. I've never written crackfics before, but hopefully this is good.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Strawberry Panic! If I did Tamao would've killed Shizuma with a chandelier and she and Nagisa would've lived Happily. Ever. After.

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING UMBRELLA

Chapter One

Byakudan Kagome could've sworn on her honor that the sky was as clear as her forehead at last (thank you, Proactiv) when she set out to get a baseball bat for Remon and Kizuna, her two best friends.

"You're not going to kill each other, are you?" Kagome had asked.

"Oh no, not at all…" Kizuna was pinning Remon down on the bed and reaching up her skirt. "Baseball bats don't bite…unless Remon-chan wants it to…" She seemed to push her hand farther in Remon's skirt, and the green-haired girl squeaked.

"Oh…Darn it," Kagome mumbled, trudging out. Just when she thought she'd finally get some relief from Kizuna's references to bad songs from the '80s, Remon's incessant whining about Barack Obama's election, Kizuna's Rick-Rolling, and Remon's unfitting anime references.

But hey. She would have the bat. And she knew what she was going to do with it, too.

That same afternoon found two certain Spica third years hanging out in the courtyard. Choir rehearsal having just finished, Nanto Yaya and Konohana Hikari, her bosom buddy (and I use that term loosely), just stood around, still wearing their choir robes in the middle of July in 90 degree weather, talking about the simple joy of direct sunlight.

Suddenly a little girl with long pink hair in a headband went skipping by, humming to herself. It was clear by her height that she was a first year.

Hikari watched her go, then turned to Yaya and said, "The first years are so sweet and innocent. So fresh and full of energy!"

Yaya nodded assent. "Yeah…Let's go beat 'em up!" And she went charging after the pink-haired girl.

Kagome knew she could find a bat in Spica's recreation shed. She was just contemplating asking Chikaru-oneesama to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna Club when she came across the weirdest spectacle.

A girl with pink hair was standing over a girl with black hair and kicking her in the side repeatedly.

"Uncle! Uncle!" the black-haired girl was crying.

Kagome ran up to the pink-haired girl, a first year like herself. "Tsubomi!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing? Don't pick on a fellow first year!"

"Uh, excuse me," Yaya coughed. "I'm a third year."

The Lulim girl blinked. "How in the world did you―" She cut herself short and shook her head. "Never mind. Is there a baseball bat I could borrow?"

"Yes. But I was just about to use it," said Tsubomi. She glared at Yaya. "This baka comes trying to steal my money, and I was like, 'Hell to the nizzle, skank!'" Her face softened and she looked at Kagome. "What do you need the bat for?"

"It's for my two friends who are dating and have weird SM yuri secks on an hourly basis."

Yaya giggled, imagining what they would use that baseball bat for.

Tsubomi pulled her baseball bat out from nowhere and passed it to Kagome. "Well, who am I to object to weird SM yuri secks? Especially when I myself have it on a minutely basis." She checked her watch. "Which reminds me, I'm about overdue."

Yaya sat up quickly.

Tsubomi continued, "I'm meeting a friend in the elevator operating room."

Yaya frowned.

Kagome blinked. "Elevator operating room?"

"Yeah. Ever done it there? It's wicked fun." And Tsubomi departed to have her lez-crazy sex in an elevator operating room.

The Lulim girl huffed; she'd probably ask Chikaru-oneesama to start the Conspiracy to Kill Remon and Kizuna and Tsubomi Club. Elevator operating sex was against her religion. Now, if Tsubomi had wanted to do it in a morgue that would be acceptable in Kagome's church.

Yaya began to cry. Tears squirted from her brown eyes in abundance, finally making those azaleas that Sister Hamasaka struggled with grow. Kagome's heart softened toward the third year. She bent down to console Yaya.

"Oneesama, what's wrong?"

"I just realized that sherbert is actually pronounced like 'sherbet!'" Yaya wept. She jumped up and ran out of the recreation shed, leaving Kagome on her own.

Kagome felt horrible. Here she was, conspiring to kill her friends. And now Yaya had brought to her attention the sin of pronouncing "sherbet" like "sherbert," and she didn't even feel bad about her mispronouncing it. As Kagome exited the shed she took a moment to reflect on her character.

She could say "sherbet." She could be a good person.

She pointed at the sky. "O Goddess of Yuri," said she. "I, Byakudan Kagome will be…the. Best. Yuri. Girl. EVER!!!"

The Goddess of Yuri, whose name is Chikane, responded by dumping a bunch of clouds in the sky and starting a thunderstorm.

Kagome shook her head sadly. Tears mixed with rain drenched her face. "Why, Chikane-sama? Why do you give me such grief?"

"Because you pronounce sherbet like 'sherbert,'" answered an omnipresent voice.

Suzumi Tamao and Aoi Nagisa exited the Foreign Language building, heading to their next class, which is Calculus. Don't ask how Nagisa ended up in a Calculus class. Probably Shizuma had something to do with it.

Lightning flashed and thunder crackled and boomed. The rain came down without warning in sheets.

"Eeeehhh!" Nagisa cried, throwing her French text book atop her head. Who cared if that damned thing got ruined? "Rain?! But…But HOW?"

"The Goddess of Yuri is very angry," Tamao said bleakly. Then her violet eyes brightened and she snapped her fingers. "But I'm always prepared!" And she reached over somewhere off-screen and produced a large blue umbrella. She pressed the button on the handle and it opened. Nagisa ducked under it and clung to Tamao, scared.

"Amazing," Nagisa panted. "I can't believe you were prepared for a Yuri Apocalypse, Tamao-chan."

"Oh, this umbrella wasn't preparation for an Apocalypse," the poet giggled. (Use your imagination!) She pulled the redhead along. "Come on, Nagisa-chan. Let's get to Calculus class."

"How did I get in that class?" Nagisa asked.

"Because of me." Suddenly Shizuma appeared under the umbrella. Unfortunately, the umbrella was only big enough for two people, so someone had to go. Even more unfortunately, that person was Tamao.

"ACK!" the poet cried as Shizuma bumped her out. Tamao seemed to disappear in the sheeting rain.

Nagisa blinked in shock. "Shizuma! That wasn't very nice! I'm telling on you!" She began to sing, "I'm telling, I'm telling, I'm telling, nyaaaahhh!" when the silver-haired vixen snatched her arm and pulled her close. "What the hell are you DOING, Shizuma?!"

"You swore?" Shizuma smirked. "How OOC of you."

"OOC?" Nagisa echoed.

"You know…'Out Of Character.' This is a fanfic, and OOC is fanfic terminology."

"'Terminology'?"

"Are you going to repeat everything I say or are you going to freaking French me already?" Shizuma demanded.

Nagisa retched. "Ugh, I hate French!"

KAPOW! "Ouchie!"

What had happened was Tamao came flying in wearing a blackbelt karate uniform, aiming a flying kick at Shizuma. The ball of her foot hit the Étoile's jaw and knocked some fillings loose. Shizuma fell out of the umbrella, into the deluge of Chikane's wrath.

But the Étoile wasn't done so easy. She came racing back to Tamao, blood gushing from her mouth. "You unbelievable bitch!" she roared. She aimed a kick at the poetic karate kid.

"Believe it!" Tamao screamed as she countered Shizuma's kick with a judo sweep. Shizuma hit the wet pavement hard, her head smacking it with a hollow TWONK! For safe measure, Tamao began kicking her head one time…or sixty. When she was finished the poet panted, "That'll teach you to molest my Nagisa-chan!" She bowed. "I am Suzumi Tamao, the best karate fighter in the prefecture!"

Won't Nagisa-chan be impressed, she thought with a grin. She looked up to see Nagisa spacing out.

"N-Nagisa-chan…? Didn't you see…?"

Nagisa snapped out of her trance. "Eh? Is there cake?"

"There's, uh…ice cream in the cafeteria…"

"That'll do," the redhead sighed. "Can we get sherbert? I like sherbert."

Lightning struck dangerously close overhead.

"It's SHERBET, you R-tard! Get it right or you're going to hell!" Chikane ranted.

Kagome ran through campus back to the Strawberry Dorms, the cold rain practically stabbing her face. Remon and Kizuna just HAD to have their stupid baseball bat on the first day of the Yuri Apocalypse. For this they would not only get beaten with the bat, they would get it shoved up their…

The rain obscured Kagome's vision and before she knew it she'd literally run into a redhead dressed in the Miator uniform and a blue-haired girl in a karate uniform.

"Oh! Are you okay?" the karate girl asked, helping Kagome up.

"Yeah…I'm fine…" The metallic bat slipped around in her hands from the rain. She struggled to keep hold of it.

Nagisa quickly assessed the situation. "Oh, you're only a first year and you were out in gym class when it started raining and now you're trying to head back to the dorms and my nose itches."

Tamao blinked. "That sentence was TOO LONG and that last part didn't fit."

"Well, exsqueeze me, Miss Literary Ace!" Nagisa shrugged off the spat and turned back to Kagome. "Here. Take our umbrella."

This upset Tamao. "Nagisa! We'll get wet!" She stopped and giggled. We'll get wet. She liked the sound of that.

The redhead sighed. "Tamao, we've lived fifteen peaceful years without a Yuri Apocalypse. This poor girl's only seen twelve."

Tamao nodded. "You're right. Here you go."

They gave Kagome the umbrella, the Lulim girl thanked them, and ran back off to the Strawberry Dorms.

It was unfortunate that the Goddess of Yuri was angry. It was unfortunate that there was an Apocalypse. It was unfortunate that nobody could say 'sherbet.' It was unfortunate that Nagisa's nose itched. But it was REALLY unfortunate when Chikane aimed a bolt of lightning at Kagome and it struck her right in the head, knocking her out cold.

When Kagome came to the rain had stopped. The sun was shining. Birds were tweeting the chorus melody of "I Kissed A Girl." People were out and about, happy. On a nearby wall someone had written I WANT TO MOTORBOAT YAYA'S…yeah. Do I have to finish that?

The Lulim girl slowly hauled herself up. Her head hurt. She was holding a baseball bat in one hand and a blue umbrella in another.

Why do I have a baseball bat? Kagome closed her eyes and tried to remember, but couldn't. I should return this umbrella, though…But, uh…who lent it to me…? She couldn't remember that either. But Kagome doubted it was important. It was a beautiful day; that was important. She hefted the baseball bat, tucked the umbrella under her arm, and skipped off yo the Strawberry Dorms, joining the birds in a good old whistling of I Kissed A Girl.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Yeah...Just me and my pervy mind. I'll admit it got out of hand in places.

Please review if you liked it! I had fun writing it, and I hope you had fun reading it! ^^

NEXT CHAPTER: The umbrella goes on its journey and winds up with Tsubomi. What will the umbrella see? Do we want to know? Can anyone in this series say "sherbet"? What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Why am I asking you these questions, some of which have nothing to do with this fic?