So hey, I'm Ash. Please forgive me, I am no authority on Scott Pilgrim. Admittedly I have only seen the movie (which was freaking awesome) and only today purchased the first three volumes of Scott Pilgrim which I have not yet read. But anyway, in the film I was just sitting there going UH HELLO, RAMONA WHO? SCOTT AND WALLACE ARE MEANT TO BE. Haha ;) Also, Wallace is my favourite character, so I thought I'd write a fic about him.
Chapter One: British Ultimatums
Wallace was hot, Wallace was single but, funnily enough, Wallace was not out finding some hot guy to share his and Scott's bed. Why? Quite simply, because he was in love. With Scott, to be more precise. He was in love with a guy who not only was currently head over heels in love with Ramona Flowers, but also who was not even gay in the first place. Wallace felt like congratulating himself – he had managed to fall in love with the one man who was absolutely never going to happen.
Wallace sat in his recliner, socked feet propped up. He was wearing his usual home get-up – shirt with boxers. Pants were not required, not in Wallace chill time. The newspaper was in his hands but he hadn't read a single word of the article. Well, he had noted one thing – apparently today was the one year anniversary of famous skateboarder and actor Lucas Lee. Wallace had once upon a time been infatuated with the man but now really couldn't care less (well, that and he turned out to be one of Ramona's evil exes.)
Wallace watched the door, waiting for misery to ensue. This was the day. This day right here. Scott Pilgrim was going to ask Ramona Flowers to marry him.
Scott had told everybody only that morning at band rehearsal. Ramona had had to work so it had given Scott ample opportunity to show everybody the engagement ring. Stephen, Young Neil, Kim and Wallace had been present. Wallace didn't often actually attend Scott's band practices but Scott had basically dragged him along promising a surprise. And surprised Wallace was. Even Kim had showed a little emotion which was really saying something as she was the epitome of sarcasm and boredom. Wallace had texted Stacey the second he'd seen the ring, of course. He couldn't not – it was like a disease. And everybody had been jumping around excited and nobody had paid Wallace any attention when he got up and left.
That was until Scott got back a half hour later.
"Wallace, what happened to you?"
Wallace had been lying spread-eagled face down on his bed. "Went home," he mumbled.
"I gathered as much. I'm going to go meet Ramona now." The nerves were easily detected in his voice.
Wallace rolled over. "Guy, relax. You'll be fine. She loves you."
"Yeah, but we have a tendency of breaking up like every two months." Scott shrugged. "It's only been like a year. Plus we're young. Ugh, maybe I shouldn't be doing this."
"Baby, please," said Wallace. "You were so excited about this. Plus once you two get hitched you can move in with her and I can finally reclaim what is ninety-nine percent mine anyway." He said it but he didn't really mean it – he wanted Scott to remain living here for a long time yet.
"Okay. Okay, yeah. And then maybe you won't be all depressed all the time," said Scott, pulling his adorably dorky hat over his shaggy hair.
"Depressed? I'm not depressed," Wallace attempted to argue.
"Uh huh. Ever since you became Single Mingle you've been moping about. Don't pretend I haven't noticed. But I know exactly what'll cheer you up."
"Enlighten me," said Wallace, turning onto his side.
"When Ramona says yes… oh, if she says yes… oh God, I've jinxed it. Wallace, I jinxed it!" Seeing Wallace's glare, however, he continued. "Uh yeah, so I want you to be my best man."
"Getting a bit ahead of ourselves aren't we?" said Wallace. He could think of nothing worse to cheer him up than standing beside Scott Pilgrim while he married Ramona.
"Oh God, you're right! She won't say yes."
As Scott freaked out, Wallace rolled his eyes. Scott was so incredibly insecure it was comical. "Just go."
"Okay. Okay. I'm going. Wish me luck!" said Scott, scurrying for the door.
Wallace didn't.
Now here he was, sitting in his armchair waiting for Scott to come exploding into the room bursting with excitement at the fact that Ramona was his fiancée. It seemed almost wrong – Scott had such a childlike quality about him Wallace was surprised it wasn't illegal for people like him to wed.
There was the sound of keys in the lock. Wallace tossed his paper aside and tried to arrange his face into a look of happiness for Scott. Apparently it wasn't needed – Scott flung the door open, looking extremely unhappy. He slammed the door, ran to the bed and fell onto it face down.
"Guy? What happened?" said Wallace in a soothing voice, getting up and sitting down next to Scott.
"She said no."
"What?"
"She said no."
"No, I heard you I just… Why?" said Wallace.
"She said she wasn't ready for marriage. She said she didn't want things to change from how they are now."
"So are you just going to stay… how you are then?" said Wallace.
"Nooo…" Scott groaned, rolling over and facing the ceiling. "I was stupid Wallace."
"That's expected Scott. What did you do?" said Wallace, a smile playing on his lips.
"I gave an ultimatum."
"Ugh! Scott, how many times have we discussed this? You shouldn't go near ultimatums, much less give your own," said Wallace. "What was it? Something like marry or break up?"
Scott sighed and closed his eyes as if remembering something particularly nasty. "I think my exact words were 'Join me in matrimony or be gone!' She didn't seem to find any humour in it."
"So you've broken up?" Wallace suppressed his glee at the thought, though he did like Ramona.
"I don't know. I was so embarrassed I ran out."
"You didn't even wait to hear what she would say after you said that?" said Wallace. "Can I just say Scott that you are a sad excuse for a social human being?"
"You can."
Wallace sighed and stood up. "I'll go make you something to eat. What do you want?"
"Garlic bread."
It was easy enough for Wallace to do – he just shoved it in the oven and then stood at the counter watching Scott. Scott looked extremely depressed and Wallace refrained from texting Stacey the details of Scott's somewhat pitiful proposal. He wanted to help Scott and Ramona, despite his own love. But Wallace knew he had to accept that it wasn't going to happen, and if Wallace couldn't be happy at least he could help Scott to be happy.
Apparently he didn't need to though – as he was placing a plate of garlic bread in front of Scott, the phone rang. He picked it up. "Hello?"
"Wallace – is Scott there? He's not answering his phone." It was Ramona.
Wallace covered the phone and glanced at Scott, who was watching Wallace with anxious eyes. "Guy, where's your phone?"
"I may have thrown it into a large water body on the way home to avoid future embarrassment."
Wallace rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he's here. Wallowing in his own self-pity."
"Is he under the impression that we're broken up?" Her voice sounded upset.
"Honestly I don't think he really has a clue what's going on, as per usual. Are you?"
"No!" Ramona almost shouted. "No! I just said I didn't want to get married so early and then he started talking in a British accent and telling me to be gone and I got really confused…"
"A British accent?" Wallace snorted and Scott slid lower down on the bed, pulling the covers up over his head.
"Is it okay if I come over? I gotta talk to him."
"She's coming over," said Wallace as he hung up the phone. "You're welcome," he added, despite not really doing anything but laugh at Scott's expense.
"What? Oh God. What do I do?" Scott stuffed the rest of his garlic bread into his mouth and grabbed his dorky hat which had fallen off when he'd collapsed onto the bed, shoving it on. "I need a haircut," he mumbled through his mouthful of food.
Ramona was knocking at the door a mere four minutes later, and Scott attempted to casually walk over to the door. Wallace stood by his chair, a look of amusement on his face.
Scott pulled open the door. "Hello there Ramona."
Her hair, this week, was a vibrant shade of violet. She stood in her skates, goggles on her head, and attempted a smile. "Scott, I need to talk to you." She looked past Scott and noted Wallace. "Hey."
"Hello Ramona," said Wallace suavely. He turned and went into the kitchen and half-heartedly began cleaning up while really wanting to eavesdrop on Scott and Ramona. Scott had shut the door and Ramona was slipping out of her skates and tossing her coat on the ground. "Scott, what the hell is wrong with you? Seriously?"
Scott shrugged. "I don't know…"
"You didn't even wait for me to answer you, you just ran like a scared little girl."
Wallace snorted loudly and a piece of garlic bread came sailing at his head, which he caught as it rebounded off his temple and took a bite. "Thanks Scott."
"Bitch," Scott said, but turned his attention to Ramona. "I'm sorry if it was too fast, I just love you and I thought maybe we could show our love through a ceremony…"
"I'm not one to settle down… like that," said Ramona uneasily. "I never really saw marriage as on the cards for me, especially not at this age."
"Not ever?"
Ramona looked at him. "Scott. I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. But this is just a huge deal for us – we're so young. So I was thinking about it and I just… I wondered if maybe we could give a long engagement a go."
"A long engagement? Like how long?" said Scott.
"Like… a few years?" said Ramona.
"But you'll wear my ring?" said Scott eagerly, fumbling in his pocket for the little ring box.
"Yes. I'll wear your ring. No, but Scott," she said, because he was beginning to jump up and down, "marriage is a long, long, long way off, you understand? But if it means so much to you…" She held out her hand.
"Sweet!" said Scott, and Ramona laughed as he slid it onto her finger. "I love you Ramona."
"I love you Scott," she said. They kissed, Ramona shoving the hat off Scott's head and running her hands through the shaggy hair, something Wallace very much wanted to do.
"I'll take that as my cue to leave," said Wallace, walking past them, grabbing his coat and opening the door. He paused for a moment, looking back at them – they were already stumbling towards the mattress. It hurt Wallace to see Scott like that, with somebody else…
He shut the door quietly after him and leaned his head against it, hearing Ramona and Scott giggling together, and a tear escaped from the corner of his eye.
He turned and walked off down the street, alone.
Poor Wallace :( Anyway, feedback greatly appreciated! Oh, and just so you know, s'gonna get a little bit saddo coz somebody dies and I think we can all guess who from the summary. Poor Scotty.