Disclaimer:
The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd, and MSN
Messenger is property of Microsoft. And while we're at it, Post-it notes are
property of 3M. These objects are used without permission for entertainment
only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.
"When I'm alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind me I'm still here
When shadows paint the
scenes
Where spotlights used to
fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it at
all?"
Creed: Inside Us All
Warning! Angst and character death abound!
Solstice
By
Nanaki Lioness
The room was dark, scantily lit with a soft overhead
spotlight. The light in the room, dull as it was, reflected the large pine,
four-poster bed and small desk to one side, and a lot of empty space; other
than those meager objects, the vast room was empty. The carpeting was cream
colored, immaculately clean as though it had never been stepped on, and the
textured ceiling porcelain white. It was all perfect, too perfect.
The single occupant of the room was lying down upon
the soft peach divan, hands above his head, staring at the lacy canopy above
him. Half of him wished his eyes weren't open to be seeing the lacy frills
above him, and the other half wished his eyes were permanently shut.
Stop it.
He tried to snap himself from the obvious spiral of
depression, but it just didn't work. He sighed, turning onto his side, curling
his hands under his head in an almost protective manner. He felt tears prick
his eyes, and he furiously blinked them back.
Stop it now. That isn't
going to help.
He shifted again, not fully comfortable, but then
again he was never comfortable in strange surroundings. And he ended up in
strange surroundings every night.
Homesickness…that's all this
is.
He sighed.
No, it isn't, and you know
it.
He angrily silenced his thoughts, fearing they would
bury him in depression, and reached into his guitar case next to his bed. He
pulled a small pile of letters from it, placing them on the bed whilst he sat
up cross-legged on the mattress. He slowly unfolded one of the cream sheets of
paper, his eyes scouring the words written on it in spider-like scrawl. Then he
closed it and closed his eyes, putting the letters away and lying back down.
Sleep would not come to him though, not for many hours yet with the images
described on the letters dancing in his mind.
/Think you're safe with your
bodyguards and your secure locations? Well, think again. I know where you are
every minute of every hour of every day, and when I find you alone, you know
what I'll do to you, don't you? No? Well let me describe…/
He closed his eyes tightly shut, forcing all
thoughts from his mind and trying to concentrate on sleep.
I don't think I'll get to
sleep tonight, like most other nights…but I can hope though. Hope...oh god,
don't start on that...
TK.
His younger brother. Chosen Child of Hope. Innocence
and love, smiles and sunshine...
I miss him. I miss
everyone...I just want to be home…
He heard a faint beep across the room, and he
glanced up, eyes trying to adjust to the semi-darkness. There was a computer in
the room, via his request, and he had asked for a chat program to be put on
there. One that he could easily block people on, mind, should any fan get his
e-mail address and smother him with marriage proposals and the like. He half
shuddered at the thought. Fan mail was enough.
Or should the writer of
these letters get my e-mail address too…
/Do you want me to paint the
walls in your home, Ishida? Red's a nice color. Blood red, that is. And you
know as well as me the only way to get a realistic color is to get the real
thing. When's your father home next? Let me know./
He silenced his mind and forced himself to look
across the room to the computer.
The program turned out to be MSN Messenger, and it
was said program that had beeped at him. Curiously, he got off of the bed and
walked over to it. The program was open with, he noted in surprise, his
friend's e-mail addresses already programmed in. Well, those who had Hotmail accounts,
which turned out to be Tai, Izzy and Joe.
The other band members must
have taken it upon themselves to do it...but no TK...I don't even think he uses
Hotmail though...
He realised with a start that the computer might
have beeped to tell him someone was online, and he sat down in the chair in
front of the computer to see if he was right.
He was; one person was being declared as online,
named simply Koushiro. He grinned.
Izzy.
He double clicked his friend's name and typed a
message into the box that popped up, somewhat slowly. He hadn't had much
practice with a keyboard, or a computer full stop, and he was still learning
where letters and the like where. He had seen Izzy typing before, and was
amazed at how quickly his fingers could fly across the letters, knowing exactly
where each one was without even looking.
-Hey Izzy-
There was a slight pause, and Matt saw a small
message across the bottom of the box that declared 'Koushiro is typing a
message'.
"Clever..." he muttered to himself as
Izzy's message popped up on screen for him, in a different color and font to
Matt's.
-Matt?-
-Who else?-
-It's a pleasure to talk to
you, Matt. When I added your request to be authorized to my contact list, I
never thought I'd actually see you online-
Matt laughed a little to himself at that, as his
body forgot it was supposed to be depressed. But it soon remembered and he
sighed.
This is only reminding me
how much I miss them all...
-I guess. I didn't do that
bit. But then again, I never do much myself anymore-
-I saw your concert earlier
today. I have to say you performed exceptionally-
-You were watching?!-
That shocked Matt a little. He hadn't seen any of
his friend's in the audience, and he was certain they would have come to find
him afterwards.
…would they…?
-Affirmative. Tai booked it
on pay for view, and we all gathered at his house to watch. We didn't want to
watch any of the other performers, but we still had to pay for the whole day…
*grins*-
Pay for view?! I never knew
it was on there! Well, that explains it, I guess it *was* a festival with lots
of acts, those things are normally televised…
…wishful thinking…they could
never come out here to see you, it's too far away…
-Oh…-
-You seem surprised. Don't
be-
-Actually, I'm surprised
you're online so late. Or early even...-
Matt was in England, and his friend was in Japan. It
was about 7pm where Matt was, and he thought there were about 11 hours
difference between him and his friends. That made it about 6am in Japan.
Then again, I could be wrong.
-I stay up late a lot. And
besides, I got some sleep earlier, so I'm not tired at all-
-I am...-
-You're very energetic on
stage. That isn't surprising-
-I know. But...I just can't
sleep. Too strange here. Too...empty, I guess. The room's so big and there's
not enough stuff to fill it...-
-You seem a little
depressed. Is everything all right? I know the music business can be fickle-
-No, I'm fine-
I can't tell you what's
wrong. I can't.
-I'm not convinced you're
telling me the truth, Matt-
Matt didn't type anything for a moment, staring at
the dull light from the monitor, blue eyes narrowed in thought. He was
surprised typed words could convey emotions so easily. He had been convinced
that he was hidden behind a glass wall of letters. He sighed, grabbing the
handles of the metal chair he was seated in, in order to shift positions, and
then winced in pain as his hand caught on a sharp piece of rough filing. He
yanked his hand up, looking at it in disdain as crimson started to seep from
the small cut on his hand.
-Matt?-
-I'm fine Izzy, I just cut
myself on a piece of metal on this damn chair. I'll be back soon, okay? Gonna
find a band aid or something...-
-Sure-
He stood up, ignoring his hand completely, going
over to the four-poster bed again and throwing himself down on it. He buried
his head in the pillow, trying to suppress the tears that threatened to
overwhelm him. Yet it was useless, and he cursed himself mentally as he sobbed
gently into his pillow.
This isn't going to help! I
don't know why you bother…
But he knew he couldn't help it; he had locked the
tears away for a long time now, and they weren't going to be stopped this time.
He had no idea how long he stayed like that. It
wasn't until the computer beeped at him that he pulled his head from the
comfort of the pillow, mentally chiding himself as he noticed the white cotton
of the pillowcase was now stained a little black from his make-up.
Make-up...whose dumb idea
was that anyway?
He angrily swiped at his eyes with a shaking hand,
smearing blood across his face from the cut. He glanced to a side and cursed
again as he saw a small pool of dried blood on the side of the pillow where his
injured hand had been resting. The cut had mostly dried though, and he ignored
it as he mustered the will power to get off the bed and walk back over to the
computer.
-Matt? It doesn't take this
long to get a band aid. Where are you?-
Matt sighed, sitting back down and typing a message.
-Sorry Izzy...I got a
little...I dunno. I'm not making sense, ignore me-
-Distracted?-
-That's the word-
-But doing what? You don't
sound right. What's wrong?-
Matt stared at the screen, not knowing what to say
or do. He slammed a fist down in frustration, knocking over a bottle of pills
that were by the computer. He hadn't even realised they were there.
Picking them up, he saw a small yellow post-it
attached to it, telling him not to forget to take them. Realising instantly
what they were, he forcefully slammed them back down, and turned back to the
screen.
-Nothing. Nothing at all-
-I don't believe you-
-Then don't believe me-
-Matt, why are you being so
stubborn?!-
Matt didn't reply to Izzy's statement, his attention
elsewhere. The bottle of pills.
Fluoxetine. I don't need
damn Fluoxetine.
With that, he threw the bottle against the closest
wall with an angry cry, staring at it blankly as it struck the wall without
even shattering or cracking.
Defeated, he sunk back into the car again, ignoring
the computer's beeping. He placed his arms across the desk in front of him, and
then laid his head in them.
You're weak. Goddamned weak.
Almost as if his body wanted to confirm that
statement, he felt the inevitable tears seeping through his closed eyelids.
He jumped suddenly when his cell phone began to
ring. Fumbling in his pocket to grab it, he eventually succeeded. He didn't
even bother seeing who it was as he answered it, ignoring the neon display.
"Hello?" He said, his voice scratchy. He
cursed himself again for sounding so weak, and it almost sent him into another
round of sobbing.
"I knew something was wrong."
"Izzy!"
"Affirmative."
"Oh god
Izzy..."
Matt almost dropped the phone as he collapsed into
another bout of unmerciful tears. Izzy tried to speak, but realised it was
futile as his friend clearly wasn't listening.
After a minute or two, he spoke up, when Matt
appeared to have calmed down.
"I want you to tell me what's wrong Matt."
"The-the letters...and the pills..."
"Pills? What pills? Matt, I hope you're not
using any illegal narcotics-"
"No! Fl-Fluoxetine."
"What are you using anti-depressants for?"
"Depression obviously!" Matt snapped.
"I was merely asking. Do you want me to call
Tai? Do you want to speak to him?"
"N-no! No, don't do that...I don't want to talk
to Tai..."
"Then if you won't talk to Tai, then you'll
have to talk to me. And I'm very persistent, and I think you might find it
beneficial to talk to someone outside of show business. Like, a friend."
"I...I don't know...Izzy, it's hard..."
"Talking?"
"No...this.
My career. I don't think I can do
this anymore..."
"Why not?"
Matt bit his lip, fighting with himself, trying not
to cry again. He mentally cursed the pills he was being forced to take; they
played with his mind like a game, and made his emotions change with the wind.
They could make him laugh and cry at any given moment, and he hated every
minute of it.
"Matt?"
"D-don't...don't talk to me right now..."
Matt said quickly, trying to suppress his pain, trying not to make it obvious
to his friend just how much he was
hurting. He bit his lip a little harder and took a deep, shaky breath, whilst
Izzy stayed silent on the other end of the tinny conversation.
He reeled slightly as he tasted a metallic tinge in
his mouth, and he put a hand to his lip, feeling it. As he pulled his finger
away, it was wet with bright red blood.
"Damn..." he muttered.
"What is it?" Izzy asked. Matt had
momentarily forgotten he was there, and he sighed again.
"Bleeding..."
"What do you mean?! Matt, I hope you haven't
done anything stupid..."
"No! Just...my lip's bleeding..." he
laughed weakly. "Guess I bit it a little too hard. Second time I've hurt
myself tonight without realising…wonder whether my body's trying to tell me
something…"
Izzy didn't reply for a moment, instantly picking up
on what his depressed friend was saying. It worried him, but he stayed calm.
"...Matt, what's wrong? I know I can't do much to help, as such, but I
want to at least try."
"Izzy...I don't want this anymore...they're
making me take pills because they say I'm depressed...I don't need pills! I don't need any of this! I
don't want any of this!!" And I'm getting death threats and no-one
evens gives a damn. That's why I'm on Prozac. Things like that can really screw
with a guy's mind. But I don't need pills to make it better, I need the writer
of these letters to leave me *alone*…
Despite his protests against himself, Matt soon
found himself sobbing into the small mouthpiece of the cell phone again, Izzy
trying his best to calm him with carefully placed words.
"B-but I worked so h-hard to get here, I
d-don't wanna give up!" Matt sobbed. "I'd b-be failing again, like
I-I always fail..." And I won't give
in either.
Izzy was taken aback by his friend's somewhat
incoherent words. "Matt, you don't fail, and you aren't a failure. There
are many people who would have loved to be in your place on that stage tonight.
Anybody who can make it that far certainly isn't a failure."
"I may have got
there, Izzy..." Matt whispered. "But I fail at being there..."
"Nonsense. Matt, you're just homesick, which is
to be expected. You performed tremendously out there tonight. And if you're
depressed, then your emotions are going to be harbored-"
"No!" Matt snapped into the mouthpiece.
"I'm not depressed."
"I highly doubt you would be taking Prozac if
you weren't depressed."
"I'm not taking Prozac, Izzy."
"Fluoxetine is
Prozac-"
"No, I know that. I mean, I'm not taking them.
Full stop."
"Matt, I don't think that's a wise idea-"
"What would you
know?!" Matt yelled. "You don't know anything! You're not me! You
don't live in this life, day in, day out, and hate it with the passion I do!" He felt tears biting at his
eyes again, and he closed them angrily. "You don't have any idea..."
"No," Izzy replied calmly, seemingly out
of place in Matt's outburst. "I don't
have any idea. So explain it to me. When I look at your life, I see stardom. I
see people who eat, sleep and breathe you. I see people who idolize you. I see
a high income. I don't see anything wrong with any of that. Tell me what's
wrong with all that, Matt, so I can
understand. If I understand, I can
help you."
Matt almost broke down sobbing again, but caught
himself deftly and sighed. "The letters…"
"Letters? Fan mail?"
"No…let me go get one and read it to you…"
Matt placed the cell phone on the desk from force of
habit as he walked across the room, pulling out the pile of letters and taking
them back over to the computer with him. He pulled one from the pile and
unfolded it, picking the phone back up again.
"Izzy?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
"I started getting these letters a couple of months
ago…" He coughed and began to read a sentence from one. "/Do you really think hiding behind the life
you've been given will help you? Do you think just because you're famous
doesn't mean that you won't bleed and that you can't die? Because, if you do, I
can remedy that with one bullet. And don't think your family's safe either,
Ishida. I've seen that brother of yours, and I'd just love to see what the
color of his blood is, especially splattered up against the closest convenient
wall when I blast a hole through his skull…/"
Matt tailed off, unable to read anymore, dropping
the letters onto the desk and trying not to cry again.
You've been doing a lot of
that lately, crying. It can't be good for you.
"Matt, you have to go to the police." Izzy's voice
was firm, though a little shocked.
"I can't
Izzy! Th-that stuff about TK…that's what'll happen if I go to the police or the
press. M-my manager knows, and so do the other band members…that's why I got
given Prozac. My manager seems to believe 'just give him anti-depressants,
stick him on a cloud all day, that'll make it better.' But it doesn't…I worry all the time that TK or
my parents are in danger. I worry so much sometimes I get sick! And when I get
sick, they just give me more pills
and expect that to make me all right again..."
/Would it be...crimson? Or
perhaps cherry red? Everyone has different color blood...depends on how you
slice, doesn't it? Quick, and it's bright. Slow, and it's dark. Has to do with
oxygen in it, doesn't it? I wouldn't know, I'm not interested in the minor
details...how would you like me to slice, Ishida? Would you like your brother's
corpse with light or dark blood spots? Skull blasted with shotgun sold separately./
"Matt? You there?"
"Yeah...just thinking..."
/I think I'll get you in the
most...gruesome way. I haven't decided how yet...I'm torn between slicing your
throat late one night, or shooting you with my favorite shotgun. Why don't you
pick? R.S.V.P./
"Matt, if you're thinking about the content of
those letters, stop it right now. That won't make matters any better."
"It can't make it any worse."
"If you don't go to the police, I will."
"And TK'll be dead. Don't, Izzy."
"But-"
"Promise
me!"
"…all right. I promise." Izzy sighed. "I'm going to
call Tai, though, and tell him to phone you. I think he could do a better job
talking to you than I can."
"That's not true, Izzy, you've helped me a lot
tonight. Thank you…"
"That's what friends do. Matt, will you be all right
if I go? I think I need to sleep, but I won't go unless you want me to."
"Go to sleep, Izzy. I'll be all right. I've been all
right for two months now."
"Good. My cell phone is on if you want to talk. At
any time, Matt."
"I know. Thank you. Talk to you again soon."
"Sure. Sleep well and take care."
"I'll try…bye…"
Matt found tears clouding his eyes again, and he
blinked them away. That's pathetic.
Crying 'coz your friend's hanging up? Pa-the-tic.
"Bye."
A dial tone assaulted Matt's ear, and he placed the
phone down on the desk after locking the keys. He was worried about his
friend's safety now; he had confessed all, and after the description he had
been given about what would happen to TK if he told…
But that was if I told the press
or the police. Not my friends.
His cell phone rang again, and he glanced down at
the display, expecting to see Tai's name there after Izzy's comment of telling
the blonde's best friend. But no, it was TK's. Surprised, he picked the phone
up, and answered the call.
"Hey Teek."
A silence.
"TK?"
"Think again."
Matt's blood chilled, fear locking him as he
realised the voice was most defiantly not
TK's.
"Who are you?!" He demanded.
Another silence.
"Answer me!" Matt yelled, a little frantic.
Laughter. Matt growled, anger taking over fear for
just a moment as he yelled into the mouthpiece.
"Answer me you son of a bitch! Else I'll come find you and-"
"And what? You forget who's in charge here.
Wondering how I'm calling from your brother's number? Yes? Then shut up and
quit mouthing off."
Matt stayed quiet as fear for his brother took
residence.
"Where's TK?" He asked, his voice a little shaky.
"You told. I had to…keep to my promise…I had your
hotel room bugged, Ishida."
That laughter again as Matt's blood chilled again,
eyes widening. He almost choked on his words as he spoke again.
"You-you said if I told the police! Or the press!"
"I lied."
A sudden dial tone hit Matt like a ton of bricks,
and he shakily placed the phone down on the desk again.
TK…no…
Refusing to panic, he picked up the cell again and
took up on his friend's earlier comment about calling any time.
The phone rang about three times before Izzy
answered, and he didn't have any time to say anything before Matt was yelling
at him down the phone.
"Get to TK! Go! Please Izzy!"
"Did something happen, Matt?"
"Izzy, go,
please! I'll explain later!!"
"Call Tai. He lives closer to TK than me. I'm on my
way, but Tai'll get there first."
Matt hung up and acted on his friend's advice,
calling Tai. The phone rang for longer this time before Tai sleepily answered.
"'lo?"
"Tai, get to TK."
"Matt?!"
"Tai! Please! Go round to TK, I think he's in
trouble."
"What?!"
"Tai, don't argue!" Matt felt himself starting to
panic, spiraling out of control.
/…how would you like me to
slice, Ishida?…/
/…let me describe…/
/…light or dark blood
spots…/
/…blood…/
"What's happening?! Matt?!"
"Tai!" Matt found himself sobbing again, from a
mixture of fear and frustration. "P-please, go to T-TK…"
"You okay? Matt?"
Matt didn't reply; couldn't reply.
"Okay, explain later. I'll keep you posted."
Tai hung up and Matt sunk back into the chair,
sobbing into his hands.
I knew I shouldn't have told
him! Now TK…TK…
Oh god…
His cell phone rang after what seemed like an
eternity, and he snatched it up anxiously, seeing Tai's name on the neon
display. He shakily pushed the 'answer' button and held the phone to his ear.
"Tai?!
What happened?! Is TK okay?!"
When
he got no answer, Matt almost dropped the phone in fear as he realised what could have happened.
"You
know what a silver Nokia 8210 looks like, don't you?"
Matt
didn't reply, choking on his own breath.
"But
do you know what it looks like smeared with blood? Thank you for sending me
someone to compare your brother's blood with…I had a chance to be more
inventive…"
As
he heard the dial tone, Matt called Izzy, shaking so badly he couldn't press
the buttons on his phone. His friend answered almost instantly, and Matt yelled
at him to be careful, that Tai appeared in danger too, and to take care, before
hanging up and dropping the phone on the desk as if it were diseased. He wasn't
sure if Izzy had even made sense of his frantic message, but he had heard
'affirmative' from him before Matt had disconnected the call.
He
sat in silence, the computer's soft humming the only thing keeping him company
other than his thoughts. Which he didn't
want plaguing him right then.
If TK...if he's hurt because
I couldn't keep my mouth shut, I'll never be able to forgive myself...oh god,
TK I'm so so sorry...
I was never any good at
being a big brother, was I? I fail at everything, don't I? You need me and I
can't be there for you. I couldn't be any further away from you, could I?
I'm always questioning
myself...probably because I have nothing else I can do...not without going
insane...
He
stared at his cell phone, hoping it would ring, and he would hear his brother's
innocence exude from the small speaker on it.
But
nothing. Just that silence that he had come so adjusted to, that he was
currently hating.
TK...what else can I say but
sorry? If you're hurt somewhere, I know sorry won't cut it, but...but...
TK, I love you. I hope you
can hear me...I hope I'm not too late...
Hope...
"I
can't win!" He yelled into the
silence angrily. "Everything reminds me of him!"
He
slunk down into the metal chair again, turning off the monitor and being
content to sit in the darkness. He crossed his arms over his chest, sighing and
trying not to break down again. Only his commitments to his band were keeping
him rooted, and not organising an immediate flight back to Japan.
But it's not just TK. It's
Tai too. And Izzy. I haven't heard from-
He
jumped as his cell phone began to ring, the neon background light alerting him
to it's whereabouts. He picked it up, reading the name 'Izzy' on the screen.
I hope it's actually Izzy
this time...
"Hello?"
He answered, not knowing what to expect.
"Matt,
it's Izzy! I'm at TK's, but I can't see him or Tai anywhere!"
Matt's
blood turned to ice, and he almost dropped the small cell phone.
"...what?"
"Hang
on, I think-" A pause and then- "Yes, it's Tai's cell phone. I'd know
it anywhere!"
"Izzy...is
it..."
/You know what a silver
Nokia 8210 looks like, don't you? But do you know what it looks like smeared
with blood?/
"Does
it have blood on it?"
"Huh?
No, it's fine. Why do you ask?"
"Never
mind. Just...please, try to find them and stay out of trouble, okay? Keep me up
to date...I have to know they're okay..."
"Of
course. I'll talk to you when I find them. Bye."
"Bye."
Matt
placed the phone back down, allowing himself a small sigh of relief.
He was bluffing about the
cell phone! Maybe...maybe he was bluffing about hurting TK and Tai! Maybe...
Maybe I'm letting myself
breathe too soon...
I should try to distract
myself or something. Sleep, Surf the internet, even. Anything, other than just
sitting here waiting for the phone to ring!
...but there's nothing else
you *can* do, is there? You're here, alone, whilst those you love are in danger.
All because you couldn't keep your mouth shut, and all because you just *had*
to follow your dream of being a rock star...stupid, so stupid...
What happens now? What
happens if TK...if he...
I just wish I could die. No,
wait...
"I wish I were already dead…"
He
jumped as his cell phone rang yet again, and he half wanted to ignore it. But
he couldn't; curiosity overtook him, and he picked it up. The neon display red
'Izzy' but he knew that meant nothing at the moment. He didn't know who would
be on the other line.
He
pressed the 'answer' button and held the phone to his ear, waiting for the
other to speak first. When no statement came, he spoke.
"Izzy?"
Another
silence.
"Oh
god…" he murmured without even thinking. "It's not Izzy, is it…?"
"You're
perceptive aren't you, Ishida?"
"What
did you do?!"
Laughter.
Matt growled, letting his emotions rule him for a moment as he leapt out his
chair and headed to the closet.
"Now
you listen to me!" He snarled, pulling his suitcase out the closet with his free
hand, and yanking clothes from the rack. "I'm packing right now, as we speak,
to come back to Japan and kick your ass! I spoke to Izzy earlier! He said Tai's
phone didn't have blood on it! I don't doubt they're in danger, but
there's no blood!" He roughly slammed the clothes into the case, and
pushed everything on the dresser into the case. He never carried much with him
whilst he traveled, as that was all he had to pack. He clipped the case shut as
best he could with one hand, still releasing his anger out on the phone. "So I
don't believe you don't much apart from maybe lock them in a room or
something. I don't think you've hurt them!"
"Are
you done?"
Matt
shut up, the voice chilling him.
"Believe
what you like. Your friend's not here to tell you otherwise right now, is he?
Wonder how I got his phone? Wonder no more; force is essential in this game…"
"You
bastard!" Matt near-screamed at him. "What have you done to
them?!"
"You
didn't seem to believe I'd done anything…" The man chuckled. "And now you
take my word? I don't think you deserve to know how much blood your
brother's currently leaking onto the floor..."
"TK…"
Matt said, dropping the suitcase on the floor and collapsing back onto the
dresser. "What have you done to TK…?"
He
was answered with a dial tone. Matt threw the phone to the floor, growling in
frustration. The phone hit the soft carpeting with barely a sound, which only
angered him more. He wanted to break it; smash it so he couldn't receive the
phone calls that were tearing him apart. He stood up, almost stamping on it,
but instead he collapsed to his knees and angrily dried sudden tears from his
eyes. He took a moment to collect himself before picking the phone and the
suitcase back up and heading to the door.
As
he opened it, the phone rang again. He answered it and, even though the display
read 'Izzy', he knew it wouldn't be.
"What?!"
He said into it.
"Your
hotel room is bugged, remember? I can't personally hear you, but the
feedback I'm getting is very amusing. Close the door, else I'll take a trip
round to your Daddy's house."
Matt
shut the door, being careful not to make a sound verbally. He wanted to scream
and to cry, but he knew that would only serve to make his tormenters laugh.
"Now.
Stay there like a good little boy."
"Don't
patronize me…" Matt said quietly, walking over to the bed and sitting down,
feeling helpless.
"I'm
in control here; I hold the lives of three people you love in my hands.
Perhaps you had better learn some manners and be courteous."
Matt
stayed silent, and disconnected the call. He couldn't stand to listen to that
voice a moment longer, not without breaking down over the phone.
He
lay down, knowing he couldn't leave or alert anyone to help. The situation was
out of his hands; he was merely on onlooker to a gruesome scene. He could not
help, or be of any use at all.
The phone rang again, and he ignored it. It
continued to ring relentlessly, mercilessly, and he eventually picked it up and
answered it without a word.
"That
was the biggest mistake you have ever made," the man snarled. "You do not
hang up on me. Not without punishment. And because you're not here, perhaps
your little brother will want to take the consequence…"
"No!!"
Matt
gasped as he heard TK's voice; shrill and frightened.
"Matt!!
Matt, help me!! Please!!!!"
"TK!"
Matt shouted, wishing he could be there; almost wishing he could crawl through
the phone and reach his brother.
"So
are you going to apologize?"
"Yes!"
Matt said, sobbing from fear for his brother now. "Y-Yes, I'm sorry, just
please please, don't hurt TK…"
There
was no answer; all Matt could hear was his own sobbing, and TK's frightened
whimpers.
"No!!"
Matt heard TK shriek after a moment or two of silence. "S-stay away!!"
"Hey,
leave him alone! For gods sake, not only are you hurting him, that's gotta
be crucifying Matt on the other end of that phone!"
Tai.
Matt mentally thanked him for being there for TK when he himself couldn't be.
"Shut
up! Did I ask you to talk?! I'll do to you what I did to the red haired
kid if you don't shut up!!"
Tai
shut up, and Matt found himself frantically wondering what had been done to
Izzy.
"Ishida,
are you listening to this?"
"Y-yes…"
he whispered.
"Good.
I don't want you to miss out on any of the…action…"
"Oh
god, oh god…" TK was whimpering. "Please, no, not that…" A shriek and then,
more forcefully, "NO!"
"What
are you doing to him?!" Matt demanded to know. The man simply laughed.
"I'm
not telling you."
"He
has a knife!!" TK yelled. "Matt, he has a knife and he keeps coming at me with
it!!"
"Drop
it!!" Matt yelled at the man. "You're scaring him!"
"…am
I scaring you, though…?" Came the menacing reply.
"Yes!"
Matt said. "I don't know what I've ever done to offend you, but don't
drag TK into this!!"
"Well,
I've leave you with this little snippet…"
Matt
heard TK shriek again, and then a yelp of pain. He could hear Tai protesting,
but Matt blocked him out, concentrating on TK's voice.
"Oh
god, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding…"
"TK!"
Matt shouted, terror running through him at those words. Yet, he never got to
hear any more, as the phone went dead. He pulled it away from his ear, dialing
Izzy's number again. He would not let TK's attacker hang up on him.
The
phone you have dialed may be switched off. Please try again later.
Matt threw the phone down in frustration, lying down and staring at the ceiling. He couldn't stand not-knowing what was happening. He hated not knowing even TK was even…
No.
He's alive. He had to be.
The phone rang again, and the display rang Tai this time. Matt mentally smacked himself for not thinking to call that number too. He answered it, but didn't speak.
"He's gone."
"What…?" Matt said softly, knowing what was meant but not wanting to believe it.
"Your brother. His blood is an interesting shade of red, you know. It'll paint the walls of your Daddy's home quite nicely. But if I run out, then…well, your Daddy will have some spare, won't he?"
"No!" Matt screamed. "No! TK! Oh god oh god…"
He disconnected the conversation and turned the phone off, throwing it to the floor. It wasn't enough; he picked up the chair and used that to smash it into a pile of circuits and colored fascia. All that was registering was shock. TK, gone. Never. Couldn't happen! Hope couldn't be taken away with one swift slice of a knife!
But he has…TK…
Unable to think coherently, he resumed to realising his anger and grief another way. He pulled his guitar out of it's case and viciously slammed it onto the floor. If he had been thinking sensibly, he would have realised that it wasn't going to help him.
Yet, it did. It relieved some of the tension that was building up in him, in a way the tears that he knew would consume him soon never could.
He pulled at the strings, breaking them despite the fact they were galvanized; he had a terrible habit of plucking them too hard and breaking them, and had had some specially made. Now, though, they were in ruins.
The guitar, by the time he had finished, was no longer recognizable. It was smashed into pieces, broken beyond repair. And he felt a little better, but still not emotionally accepting TK's fate.
Then he was kneeling on the floor, sobbing harshly without even realising. His eyes strayed to the computer, but he refrained from doing anything to it. It wasn't his, and he held a strong respect for things that he did not own.
Something else caught his eye, though; the bottle of anti-depressant pills, on the floor to his left where he had thrown them.
Without thinking, he was picking them up and inspecting the bottle's label. He ignored what the set dosage was supposed to be, opening the bottle and emptying a small handful of pills into his shaking palm.
TK…TK's gone…
He closed his eyes, clenching his hand round the small pills, before tipping his head back and throwing them into his mouth. He swallowed them dry, not caring about the consequences.
And then he laughed.
"That was seven pills…" he said out loud. "Heh, can you bastards hear me?! Seven Fluoxetine tablets! That means anti-depressants, by the way, and believe me, am I depressed…!" He laughed again, silent tears twisting down his cheeks. "There's a lot left to go though!"
He tipped the pills into his hand and began counting them out, making a small pile on the floor.
"One! Two! Three! Four five six! That's enough for another handful!"
He picked them up and swallowed them, almost choking as he began to sob.
"Can you hear what you're making me do?!" He screamed. "Can you hear me?! I hope you're happy! The Ishida-Takaishi brothers do not get separated by anything!"
He stared at the pills in his hand again. "Not even death…" he muttered before closing his eyes and tipping the whole lot into his mouth. He choked and coughed, realising taking them with water would have been easier.
Choking to death would be suitable, too. I don't care.
Once he had swallowed them all, he lay down on the soft carpeting, suddenly tired. He wished he hadn't destroyed his phone; he wanted to talk to his father.
Sitting up wearily, the effects of the pills beginning to make his movements slow, he pulled his phone from underneath the wreckage of guitar parts. It was pretty badly damaged, and he didn't even bother to check it as he put it back down.
"I can't find the rhyme in all my reason…" he sang softly. "I've lost the sense of time and all seasons…I feel I've been beaten down…by the words of men who have no grounds…"
He stopped, fatigue overtaking him for a moment.
"I hope you can hear me…" he said as loudly as he could. "I hope you're happy now you've got the blood of two people's lives on your hands tonight."
The cell phone began to ring, and he stared at it in amazement from his spot lying on the floor.
"I broke you," he said softly. "Stay broken. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to get hurt 'nymore."
The phone rang for a while, and he lay listening to the ring tone contently until it stopped. Only then did he pick it up, and dial a number he knew by heart.
The phone rang a couple of times before it was answered, and Matt spoke first.
"Hi Daddy…"
"Matt?!" His father laughed. "You getting a little confused about the time difference? I was in bed."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"That's all right."
"Dad, I'm sorry…for everything I've ever done…"
Matt could feel the inevitable breakdown coming, and he was powerless to stop it in his weakened state.
"I-I'm sorry about all the times were ever fought or I yelled…I'm sorry I never told you I love you enough…" He was sobbing now, crazily pouring his grief out into the phone as he had done with Izzy. "Because I do, I really do! I love you!"
"Matt, what's the matter?"
His father sounded concerned, and it was then Matt realised how stupid he had been. His father had just lost TK, and now he would be losing Matt too.
"Dad…I…TK…"
He didn't know how to say it. He couldn't say it.
"I've done something really stupid…it'll be all over the papers tomorrow, so you can read it there. I'm too tired to tell you now…"
"Matt?!"
"I love you, Dad…tell Mom I love her too, and all my friends…tell them all I'm sorry…"
"Matt…?"
That warning tone; the one that suggested his dad knew what Matt was hinting at.
"Bye, Dad…I'm too tired to talk anymore…"
And he disconnected the call, throwing the phone back down into the wreckage. He wanted to fully destroy it, so he wouldn't receive any more calls from TK's tormenter, but he didn't have the strength. He had turned it off, and that was enough to satisfy him for now.
Don't have the strength to do anything but lie down and
die…
His eyes wanted to close, and he wanted them to stay open. He wanted to get the pills out his system, and erase the stupid, emotive mistake he had made.
But it was done now. His body was slowly shutting down, and his eyes shutting with it. It took too much energy to try and keep them open; he was still crying, yet he had no energy to sob.
He gently tugged the covers from the bed down to him; his body was cold, so cold, and he wanted to keep warm. Pulling the covers over himself, and folding his arms under his head, he let his eyes shut.
I'm just going to sleep. I'll wake up again in the
morning, and this'll all be a bad dream. TK'll be alive, and so will I.
He could feel his mind beginning to wander, shutting down little by little as the pills began to get into his blood stream. His heart unwittingly pushed the chemicals round his body, poisoning him little by little. And he could do nothing to get rid of it.
Bleed…maybe if I bleed the poison out…
He reached across to the wreckage that was his guitar, and plucked one of the strings from the pile. But even as he tried to drag it across the floor to him, he felt his strength giving out, and his hand stopped where it was, string falling from his loose grip.
He could almost feel it; the chemicals slowly eating away his life force and soul, taking his energy and his pure, untainted blood. He could no longer open his eyes, and his mind was beginning to black out.
And he smiled. Through the tears and the grief, he smiled as his body gave up the fight; the pills had done their work, and as his heart stopped, so did the circulation of the substance.
It was over.
------------------------
The next morning brought with it the press publicity that Matt had predicted. Mr. Ishida walked to his local newsagents, taking Matt's word on reading a newspaper. Before he even entered the shop, the signs outside read what he feared: 'Depressed Rock Star Yamato Ishida ODs'.
Running inside the shop, he picked up the closet tabloid he could find and threw the money on the counter before running out the shop. Once out, he studied the front page carefully. A picture of Matt, taken a couple of months previous, showed him to look pale and thin. Mr. Ishida could see something wasn't quite right with him.
The headline declared 'Rock Sensation Yamato ODs', much like all the other papers had done, with small print that read 'turn to pages 4,5 6 and 7 for full story'.
Hesitantly, shock not taking over yet, Mr. Ishida turned to page 4. Another picture of Matt, with an inset of his hotel room adorned the page, with a smaller headline that read 'Rock Star Yamato Ishida Dies by ODing on Anti-Depressants'.
Oh god…Matt…that's what he meant last night…
He looked at the picture; Matt's hotel room that he had been staying in. And the scene that met his eyes confirmed his worst fears. The hotel room was trashed; the close up photo of the smashed guitar and phone parts was enough to tell him what he didn't want to know.
Reluctantly, he began to read the article.
Rock sensation Yamato Ishida
was found dead in his English hotel room last night, by his manager, it has
been confirmed. An empty bottle of anti-depressants pills lay amongst the
debris that was Yamato's prized electric guitar and cell phone, sparking
suspicions that he had overdosed on them. A toxicology result confirmed this;
Yamato, better known as Matt, had taken the whole bottle. He was found in a
position that suggested he was simply sleeping; he had covered himself with a
duvet as though he was waiting for death to take him. His fellow band members
are shocked at the events.
"It is a great loss," one of
them told us. "Matt was always easy-going…I never thought he would do something
like this."
The suicide appears to be
related to an incident involving Matt's younger brother Takeru. It is
understood that Matt had been receiving letters that threatened his family and
friends for a couple of months. He was prescribed anti-depressants, and told
not to let it worry him.
Yet obviously it did worry
him, as it also confirmed he received phone calls on his cell phone from the
writer of the letters, a native of Japan. He called from friends of Matt's
phones, telling Matt he had done terrible things to them and his brother. He
was in Japan, and Matt was in England, therefore there was nothing Matt could
do.
Takeru, better known as TK,
told police that the attacker had told Matt that he was 'gone'. Matt took this
knowledge and, with his combined depression, it was enough to drive him over
the edge. His hotel room is reported to have been bugged.
Mr. Ishida stopped reading; he had heard enough. Instinct told him to turn the next page, and he did. A picture of TK and Tai, being led by police to a car, assaulted his eyes. There was another headline that read 'Matt's Brother and Friends in Terrifying Incident'. They both looked tired and worn, and TK had blood on his shirt. There was an inset picture of Izzy in a hospital bed, with a caption that read 'Injured: Koushiro suffered several hard blows to the skull'.
Again, the article caught the man's eye, and he read it.
Following the news of his
brother's death, TK has refused to talk to anybody. It is confirmed that Matt
feared him to be dead, and it is believed that is why he took his own life.
Matt had been talking on the
Internet to his friend, Koushiro, and had confided that he was depressed to his
friend, and told him about the letters even though he had been told not to. He
received a phone call shortly afterwards that was to change his life; TK was in
danger and Matt's hotel room had been bugged. Every word he had said could be
heard, and it was.
Matt telephoned Izzy and sent
him round to TK's house – his mother had been away at a friend's house that
night, leaving him alone – and also alerted his friend Taichi. Both of them
went to TK's aid, and Matt received more calls telling him they had been
injured too.
TK was cut by his attacker, but
is otherwise unhurt. Koushiro suffered several hard blows to the skull,
probably made with a piece of wood, and is stable in hospital. Taichi, known as
Tai, was unhurt.
Tai told us how Matt had been
given information such as the walls being red with blood, and blood covered
cell phones. It seems as though this web of lies led to Matt taking his life.
The attacker fled the scene
shortly after his last phone call with Matt. He was masked, and therefore his
face couldn't be seen. Japanese police and searching the area for him; it is
believed he fled to the nearby town of Kyoto.
Mr. Ishida folded the paper up and placed it into his pocket as best he could, having had enough of the article that explained his son's last night in disturbing detail, his feet walking for him as he headed for his ex-wife's house. He wondered briefly if TK would be there.
I wonder when my body is going to kick in? I feel as
though I'm numb. I can't be without Matt! Matt can't be gone! He
wouldn't do this to himself!
Yet he did. When they find the son of a bitch who made
him do this, I'm going to rip their throat out. Whoever took my son is going to
pay.
Mr. Ishida found himself at Nancy Takaishi's door, and he reluctantly knocked. This was going to be hard and, even though she probably already knew, he wanted to let her know he was there for her.
As Nancy opened the door, eyes red and bloodshot, she threw herself into her ex-husband's arms. Sobbing incoherently, she pressed herself into him, seeking comfort.
He simply held her close and tried not to weep with her at the loss of something so precious to them. Sorrow would unite them and make them bond, for TK's sake, and for their own. The bridges that they had broken down after the divorce were mended with the simple hug they were sharing.
"You've heard…" Nancy murmured.
"Yes. They're going to regret ever making our son do that."
They're going to regret the day they were born.
Author's Notes: …DON'T ask. I've left this in a really
weird place, and no, I'm not planning on a sequel where Mr. Ishida actually
DOES hurt the guy. It's just a standalone.
*wails* I'm sorry! I never planned on doing that! I
made myself cry whilst I was writing it because I felt so bad! And I'm sorry if
I made anybody else cry… . I actually planned on a somewhat happy
ending, but I got listening to my Creed album, and it kinda never happened.
Angst owns me, I'm afraid.
Feedback, either in the form of an e-mail to Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com or a
fanficiton.net review below would be *fantastic*. I'm not very happy with this,
overall, but I found myself not being able to edit it much when I re-read it
.
Update on the Matt/Tai friendship contest; there's been
one entry. There's about 3 weeks left, for anyone who wants to enter! Check out
the second part of To Live, To Die, To Forgive is Divine named Virtue for
details, anyone who doesn't know, I'm not going to write it all out again…^_^