SPOILER WARNING: Well... Er... the DISCLAIMER's a spoiler... So if ye haven't read/watched all of Death Note skip the DISCLAIMER, quick, do it now! Also, possibly more spoilers...

Side Notes: Kaze, Neko, and I are too lazy to proofread our own work or get a beta, so you proofread for us, Kk? No, seriously. We're in a national debate about getting a beta reader but Neko's still in a pissy mood since the last one. :) (secret)

This story is really OOC, along with all of the character's in it, that's what makes it Crackish. :D

Also, on my last reading test-thingy I scored over 100 (+ Extra Credits) So now I'm like best reada' in the writing school! (That makes no sense. XD) (Not)

This chapter may suck majorly due to any of the following reasons:

1. I have no life--wait what...?!

2. I ate some clams for breakfast...

3. I was bored and didn't plan to make this a story--but I did. -Coolish nod-

4. I'll list my/'our' possy's little name's and what we specialize in:

Kami (Me): Analogy writing and coolish smart conflictions. :D

Kaze: Da funny brother. She's the one who does the funnies.

Neko: Romance/Angst writer, yes she's that cool.

So as you can see I'm not writing anything I specialize in. AWKWARD.

You no like 'Shonen ai'? No watchie--no readie, Kk? Kk.

DISCLAIMER: Death Note is not mine, if it was L, Mello, and Matt would still be with us today. It is owned by Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata, and the publishers.

It was the day before Easter when Roger decided come down with a cold.

It was also the day that Watari became an ass-licking sadist.

And it just so happened to be the day our favorite sugar-coated detective humbly, promptly at that, offered to fill-in for Roger at the orphanage in Winchester England, referred to as the Wammy's House.

"But Watari…!" The unhappy detective screamed into the cell phone receiver, "I don't want to baby sit hundreds of yellow lemons!"

"L—Ryuzaki, for the last time they're children, NOT lemons and it will do you some good to bond with your future successors, besides Oprah's on. You know how much I love Oprah." Watari's voice went from calming to venomous, and just to prove a point Watari grabbed a stack of his pornographic magazines and held them near the receiver of the phone, "If you so much as protest," Watari's voice was monotone and low, "I'll do the same thing to you I'm doing right now to my porn-o magazines."

"W-What are you doing to them right now…?" The detective Ryuzaki stammered while feverishly biting his nails.

"I'm fucking them." Watari hissed into the receiver while making girlish 'oos' and 'aahs'.

Ryuzaki gasped, screamed in angst and astonishing horror, and dropped the phone then ran to the nearest taxi cab.

OK… so maybe L didn't offer, but all the same he ended up in the same place all because of some 'porn-o' magazines.

"Aiight," L's monotone voice exploded from the speakers and into the orphanage playroom full of lemons—children. "5 rules, lemons, 1. Don't come into my office—"

"I think you mean Mr. Roger's office…" A blonde-haired girl named Linda perked up.

"Look here, lemon.." The voice boomed throughout the room. "I don't care who t'hell's office it is, it's mine and I'm loving it."

"Eww! Really?!" Another girl protested in disgust.

The detective sighed, what a bunch of sorry-ass lemons—but if it would get them to shut the hell up, it was a reputation WORTH being wasted. "Yes, I've been fucking this office ever since the day I got here. It smells of sperm, sweat, and an intoxicating radiance known as L. By that I mean I'm hot as hell—get it a pun?"

"..."

When none of the children responded L exploded, "#!! YOU LEMONS ARE DISRESPECTFUL, WATARI TAUGHT ME THAT PUN!!"

All of the children booed except for two male bodies huddled behind a curtain in the back of a room.

"You know Matty-kins," The fair-skinned blonde ended the lip-lock with his friend.

The other boy moaned and began to run his fingers up the blonde's long slender back.

"Matt…" The blonde pulled away.

The red-head responded with another moan and lunged closer only to be separated from his friend-and lover by two glove-covered hands once more.

"Awe, Whaaat, Mel… I was just getting started—"

"Matt, you'd do anything for me, right?"

"Ya-huh." The red-head nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"I've always admired L, you know that—"The blonde began only to be rudely cut off.

"You LOVE him, you fucking boob. Your cock is mine, for all I care L can have his name written in that notebook by that… Err Kia guy."

"But Matt… I thought you loved me?" The blonde whispered into the red-head's ear only to be glomped ferociously by his friend once more.

"Yes, Mel, I do; you and your cock. I'm not just going to let you fuck some other guy—probably a middle-aged man without me getting half."

"You get me into his office and you can have the top half, I'll have the bottom."

"It's a done deal."

Ok well... It's not where I want it to be but it'll get there if you guys Rate and Review. :D

I like constructive criticism, don't be shy!

I'm not used to writing crack/humor, so you guys tell me if I went overboard, if there wasn't enough romance, if there wasn't enough description, or anything of the sort! :D

The next chapter will include Near and I will also be parterning up with one of my 2 partners in crime, Kaze, whom none of you know! :D (kaMikaZeneKo18 -- cuz, like these are our nicknames and we're 18 c'yeah.

Will L and his 'sperm filled office' become more victims of Mello and Matt's seductive, against-the-law, rape? Where's Near? And what are L's other 4 'rules', anyways?

You'll only get another chapter if you R&R, so do it I say! :- I'm debating on whether to add Light into this and make him a victim of Near's 'Yo' Mama' jokes and maybe Mello/L/Matt rape, who's with me?