for silveradept for the Press Start Exchange on AO3
The ocean reflected the drifting clouds within the bright sky. Salt imbued the constant breeze, almost tangible in its presence. Somewhere in the distance were fishermen exchanging idle, yet pleasant chatter while waiting for a bite on their hooks. Gulls called out to one another, boats bobbed in the water, and he was late.
Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.
Squall heaved out a sigh and plopped down, feet dangling over the bridge. How long had he been waiting? Thirty minutes? An hour? Perhaps several? It plucked his nerves nonetheless—both the wait itself and the anxiety insisting this would happen. Of all the matters demanding his attention, this was what he wasted his time on.
Peace didn't await him or the others upon securing the threat that was the sorceress from the future—a foolish thought, in hindsight. Desperate times formed friendships in the bitterest of rivalries, but fear stirred in the hearts of many who doubted any semblance of a hopeful future. What of the destruction in Galbadia and Esthar in the wake of the madness? If SeeD was meant to fight, then who was there left to confront? What was to become of Garden when the only sorceress to hunt down was the one Squall swore to protect?
Protests against Garden flooded the streets. Endless messages—threats, even—bombarded Squall until he opted to ignore them. A temporary solution, but sometimes fleeting obliviousness was enough to revitalize his sanity.
"What's going to happen?" Rinoa asked the night before he left.
"How am I supposed to know?" he shot back, more frustrated at the situation than at her. And yet he continued to uncork and dump his frustrations onto Rinoa.
She never flinched, though; she smiled. Perhaps she was happier knowing he was comfortable enough to reveal anything to her.
Oh, the woes of being in love.
"I can't stay here forever," she said, wiggling a finger at him.
"If you go anywhere," Squall replied, "they'll hunt you down and drag you—"
"Because of what I am."
"I didn't saythat."
"But that's why this is even a problem to begin—"
"The problem is that they are afraid and refuse to see the good you've done." He cupped her face and gazed into those eyes as if they were stars. "I wish I could make them change their minds."
She shrugged, her smile fading. "You already have a lot on your plate."
"It can wait."
"But you're still leaving tomorrow, yeah?"
He failed to not roll his eyes.
"I think you should go," Rinoa murmured, pulling him into a sweet embrace.
"Why? I'd think you of all people would be telling me it's not worth my damn time."
"Because everyone deserves a second chance."
"And you and Fury?"
"We both had a million chances and failed each time, but we tried. But you?" She bumped noses with him. "You never had a first one to begin with. And maybe... maybe this will change your mind, too."
Her voice echoed in his head until it bled with the ocean. Leave it to Rinoa to always find a shred of logic to go with that compassion, Squall mused. And he was the idiot who left her behind under Balamb Garden's care to chase after a second chance. Then again, it was her idea; she wanted the meeting more so than Squall ever did for himself.
Maybe the sentiment differed a decade ago. Abandonment coated him in thick ice; if it meant preventing others from ever hurting him again, then so be it.
Squall drummed fingers against his folded arms while glaring at the water. Every second alone plagued him with toxic thoughts—of dislike tempered into loathing of the fishy stench, of the expanding dilemmas awaiting him upon his return, of memories of carrying Rinoa across that exact bridge, and of how Laguna Loire was never going to be worth his damn time.
Not long after Ultimecia's defeat and the restoration of time, a personal note from Esthar's president found its way to Squall's desk with a simple, yet convoluted suggestion:
Hey! We should meet up sometime! You know, hang out or what not. Name the time and place and I 'll be there.
How the hell were the President of Esthar and the Commander of Balamb Garden able to hang out? Their stuffed agendas demanded attention. Detracting from those expected duties was detrimental, yet Laguna wrote otherwise. Squall had humored the proposal, only to be met with conflicting schedules. Laguna's radio silence afterwards did little to instill hope that this was, in fact, a promising prospect.
And six months later, they finally agreed on a time and place... and Laguna had yet to show up.
What a joke, Squall thought as he jumped to his feet. Can't even stick to a plan that was his idea. Typical. Guess I shouldn't assume too much from the man who never bothered with me from the get-go.
Rubbing his eyes, he pivoted to head back to Fisherman's Horizon. Maybe he could still make the last ship departing for Balamb if he headed straight for the docks. No time to stop and eat, either, despite his stomach grumbling otherwise; it would be worth the headache.
The wind picked up in speed. The pulse of the engine was almost lost to the ocean, but the vibrations piercing Squall stopped him in his tracks. He whipped around and spied upon the dreadful sensation's origin. Further down the bridge, a massive, dragon-shaped vessel hovered midair. It resembled the Ragnarok in design, though functioned more like a drone capable of escorting multiple passengers. As the aircraft settled on the bridge, its engine powered down and the wind resumed its constant, yet soothing flow. It wasn't enough to ease Squall's tense muscles.
Stepping out was none other than Laguna himself, flanked by several armored bodyguards.
Squall crossed his arms and waited. Is he just going to leave that thing there? Does he even have clearance to land on the bridge? Rolling his eyes, he dismissed the thoughts; it wasn't his problem to dwell on.
"Seriously! You guys don't need to hang around!" Laguna's cheery voice rattled through Squall. He waved a hand at his bodyguards. "Come on, go hang out in FH. Get some fried fish! We're not going to cause any trouble."
The bodyguards glanced at each other until their shoulders slumped in defeat. They marched past Squall and off to... somewhere. He almost wished they stuck around to make the encounter less awkward than it already was. As for Laguna, he trailed behind, flashed a ridiculous smile, and waved.
"Oh man," he began, "so glad we could finally meet up! I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen, being chained to our duties and all. I can only imagine the work Garden is shoveling onto your plate!"
Squall narrowed his eyes. "You're late."
That smile faltered, yet Laguna still laughed. "Ah, yeah, about that. Guess directions are still not my strong suit after all these years. Must've flown around for—"
"I gave you exact coordinates for the location." I know Esthar technology is capable of handling that.
"Uh... you did?" Laguna rubbed his neck, as if to conjure the lost memories. "I don't remember... or maybe that's what those string of numbers were from a week ago?"
And you somehow run an entire metropolis. Unbelievable.
"Well, I'm here now! That's what counts, right?"
Squall shifted his weight to one leg, perched a hand on his hip, and averted his gaze. What was possibly worse: the silence or the forced chit-chat?
"So... you want to grab something to eat?" Laguna suggested. "My treat! I hear that—"
"Not hungry."
"Oh, alright! I wasn't really either." Another nervous laugh, another plucked nerve. "We could walk around town! Stretch our legs and what not."
What does that even mean?
"Or, um..." The amusement struggled to persist in Laguna's voice. "Well, we can just stand here, too! Nothing wrong with that. Nice view and everything. There's uh... a lot of ocean. Like a lot a lot."
Maybe Esthar's isolation was to blame, but Squall was beyond acquainted with the life that belonged to Laguna Loire, a man he couldn't tolerate with every instance Ellone threw them back in time. Nothing had changed; he was still the same, bumbling individual. And Laguna? What did he know of the supposed fairy visiting him over time?
Why would Squall expect anything more than that blissful ignorance?
"So." Laguna shuffled closer. "How've you been?"
The question shot Squall's eyes wide open. He jerked his head to center and tried not to glare. "Are you serious?"
"I mean... yeah?" Laguna shrugged. "That's what people ask each other when they haven't seen each other in a while, right?"
Except I can count on one hand the times we 've crossed paths at all.
He sighed and sorted through the scrambled thoughts firing off. "Do you even pay attention to world events?"
"I'll be honest—since Esthar lowered the barriers and opened communication with the world again, it's been kind of information overload with everything that's been going on. I usually skim through it, more than anything, but even the folk in Esthar are indifferent to what's going on outside of their bubble. Like... a figurative bubble." He chuckled. "Don't have a literal bubble over us anymore!"
"Then I guess you skimmed over Garden dominating the headlines and the nonstop protests?"
"Oh... yeah, I might have heard something about that."
"And you think the Commander is enjoying it?"
"I didn't read anything about the—" He blinked. "Oh, that's you! Right, of course! Yikes. So, uh... how are—"
"I'm just fine," Squall growled through a clenched jaw. "Thanks for asking."
The silence was almost tangible, enough to choke Squall.
"Alright, no job discussion. Got it." Laguna lifted his hand for a thumbs up. "Don't blame you. Not exactly my favorite thing to talk about either." He paused. "Hey! How's Rinoa? I haven't seen her since... since, um... well..."
"Since we went off to face Ultimecia?"
"Yeah, that." The excitement died in those words. "She doing alright now?"
Are you trying to tick me off with these questions? Squall pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaled, and spoke. "Considering half the world wants her frozen and locked away out of fear of a repeat disaster, she's more or less on the same page as I am in terms of wellness." Albeit handling it better than I am... on most days.
"I can't imagine that's possible."
"What?"
"I mean... half the world? That's a lot of people, right? I'm sure it's not actually half the world. Maybe some people do, but—"
"When was the last time you looked at surveys within Esthar, let alone Balamb or Dollet or Timber or Deling City? People have been quite loud about their feelings on Garden harboring the only known sorceress alive."
"Yeah, but... not all of them want to freeze and lock her up. Rinoa's a sweet girl! She wouldn't massacre people overnight."
Squall shrugged. "You did it to Adel. They have that sorceress trait in common. That's enough reason for some people."
"Then maybe I can do something to convince people otherwise."
"Like what you did for Seifer?"
Laguna froze, every muscle in his face dragging down. "That... that was different."
"Really?"
"I was put on the spot and maybe I didn't pick the best words to illustrate the scenario, but I've got an actual writer now to help with the speeches. It wasn't something I had to put much thought into before."
"And now he's locked up in an Esthar facility forever."
"At least he's not dead?"
Whatever...
"But... Rinoa will be fine. I know she will. Girl's got a lot of fight in her!"
Squall wandered back to the edge of the bridge. How am I supposed to know she'll be fine? For all I know, tomorrow will be another war and I'll need to decide whether or not I abandon Garden to flee with her. What does it mean to be fine, anyways? Not dead, like Seifer? What kind of life is that? Yeah, what he did was horrific, but that wasn't his own doing. He needed help, not punishment. Are people going to treat Rinoa the same way? He crossed his arm and lowered his head. Are you going to mess up her life, too? Just like you did with Seifer?
Like you did for me?
"I guess I don't have to tell you to treat her well," Laguna spoke in the sweep distance. "You've already got that covered! Ah, young love... Enjoy it while you can!"
"Before I go and break her heart by abandoning her forever?" Squall peered past his shoulder. "Just like you?"
Whatever joy that lived in Laguna's features died out. Not even a chipper retort followed behind Squall's cold words.
"What... are you talking about?" Laguna finally asked.
"Of course you forgot."
His face scrunched together, yet his lips trembled. "Forgot what?"
"Do you even know who she is? Rinoa?"
Nothing. Figures….
"You met up with her mother for one, romantic night and then disappeared without a word."
The realization flashed across Laguna's face. "Julia. But how—" A chuckle laced his exhale as he tapped his temple. "Yeah, that's right. The fairies paying a visit."
"Did she not matter to you?"
"She..." Fidgeting in place, Laguna cast his eyes to his feet. "Look, why don't we talk about something—"
"Was it just easier for you to run away?"
Laguna jerked upright and locked sights with Squall. "I didn't run away. I was a soldier; I had no choice."
"Then why get her hopes up?"
"I wasn't trying to—" He shook his head. "What does this have to do with us? It's in the past. We can't change it. You and I both know that, right?"
"We make mistakes so we can learn from them, but did you?" Squall returned his focus to the ocean. "Was Raine any different from Julia?"
He almost didn't call her by that name—almost. Who was he to bestow a tender title to a woman he never knew? She gave me life, Squall reminded himself, nothing more. Same goes for you.
"Squall, look... it wasn't an easy situation. Either I stayed with Raine and ignored the danger Ellone was in or I tracked down Ellone and left Raine to her own devices. I didn't like my options. I try not to dwell on them. There was nothing I could do."
"You could have told her you were okay after securing Ellone—give her some peace of mind."
"How was I to do that? I wasn't in the position to be—"
Squall whirled around, closed the distance between them, and bellowed, "You were the fucking President of Esthar! If anyone was in the position to do something, it was you! And all you chose to do was sit back and twiddle your thumbs!"
Laguna winced. "Squall, it's not that easy," he said, still gripping onto whatever composure remained. "I'm more of a figurehead while others process what should be done. Even if I told them every day to take down that bubble, they wouldn't allow it."
"So you sat there and let them walk over you?!"
"No, that's not—"
"You could have left! You're a damn soldier! You managed to sneak your way into Esthar, but you couldn't find a way out?! Did you not worry about Raine? Did you not worry about anyone you ever met except your—"
"Of course I worried about her!" he yelled, his voice cracking midway. "It was never my intention to abandon her. I thought of her every day. I still do."
The rage within Squall simmered to a contained ire. "Did you even know she was pregnant?"
He wished he hadn't agreed to this. He wished he had never crossed paths with Laguna, whether in the flesh or across multiple dreams. He wished he didn't know what he knew now to shield himself from the anguish. He wished for it all to be over.
He wished he never brought it up to begin with.
Stepping back, Laguna shoved his nervous hands into his pockets. "Is this what you want to talk about?"
Squall bit his tongue. What was there to even discuss anymore? They were mere strangers with a threadbare connection bound by blood. It didn't make them friends, let alone family. How were they to bond when nothing clicked? Squall stared at Laguna and found a man he had no interest in forming anything with, a man that aggravated him more than delighted.
A man he swore he would never become.
"Yeah, we had plans," Laguna said, softer than the wind. "Maybe not exactly those kind of plans, but... we wanted to have a life together and I was prepared for whatever that entailed. Had I known... I'm not sure what I would have done, Squall. What I do know is that I messed up no matter what angle you look at it. I wasn't a good husband, running off not long after we sealed the deal. You and Ellone deserved better than that. Always did. But if I learned anything from these years is that you can't change the past. Tried to, but... yeah.
"And I'm sure this is as awkward for you as it is for me, but I want to do what's right. I want you to know that I'm here for you no matter what. I want to be your father—"
Whatever Laguna uttered past that dulled to nothing for Squall. Raw fury ignited in his blood until the world bled red. He clenched both his hands and jaw, shoulders hardening like armor. It was a familiar sensation, one which forged him into the lone wolf within Garden; it all started on a porch, alone in the rain.
"Don't say that!" Squall roared back. "Don't you ever say that! You don't get to show up in my life almost two decades after the fact and call yourself a fucking father! That's not how this works! I don't care if you're the one who knocked up Raine. You know what does matter? All those times you were never there! Every day that passed without you there was just another reminder that you never cared! I grew up thinking that maybe no one ever wanted me! Maybe I was a mistake or my parents were too disgusted to bother with me! It's not even that damn complicated; you just need to give a shit! Everyone, from Matron to the Garden instructors, was doing it because it was their job. I wasn't their son; I was a responsibility. Parents are supposed to love unconditionally. I never knew what that was! Not as a kid, not as a teenager. I thought the world was a cold, lonely place, because everyone dropped me when I was too much work or not convenient to their needs. So I figured fuck everyone and maybe they'll leave me alone and I'll never hurt again.
"Do you know how hard it is to unlearn that kind of mentality? Do you even remotely have a clue about the damage you've done because you were too busy trying to play nice with the Estharians and not go back to what really mattered? Or did you stay there because it was the first time in your pathetic life that people paid attention and looked up to you to the extent you always wanted? Was Raine loving you not enough of a reason to go back?! For fuck's sake, you got Ellone back! And yet you couldn't?! Don't tell me it was due to your responsibility as president! Don't you ever feed me those lies while also trying to claim you're my father!
"You were never my father! Not then and certainly not now! What can you possibly do to make up for all the pain over the years?! You think that meeting up and having a little chat is going to fix all of that? Did you truly believe that you could sweep all that baggage in a corner and hope I never saw it?! I lived chunks of your pathetic life! If you were even half the man you thought you were, you would have told me point blank when we finally met who you really are to me. But no! I had to find out from a vague comment Kiros made! And even then you danced around the topic when I asked you! Why would I want someone like that in my life? How am I to trust your word when every other damn thing that comes out of your mouth is a joke?!
"So do me a favor—forget all of this happened." He moved past Laguna and back towards Fisherman's Horizon. "Go back to Esthar, spin around in your office chair all day, and forget me. You were never there when I needed you, so I don't expect you to be here for me now or ever again."
"Squall, I..."
Maybe Laguna had more to say. Maybe his voice drifted off to sea with everything else. Squall didn't hesitate to humor whatever nonsense littered his mind. He marched forward, like he always had, and ignored the world around him.
A vicious headache plagued him. Tension stroked his nerves and blocked out the ambiance of the ocean. Not until he boarded the departing ship did it all melt away, leaving Squall in a trembling panic.
No different from when he was a child.