How to Spot a Sirius-Sue
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series, nor do I own Sirius Black, No. 12 Grimmuald Place, or the concept of making fun of Mary-Sues. Though I do own Valette Applegate, and for this fic, Rayvin Maroon.
Author's Note: This is terribly written. Completely a spark-of-the-moment thing! Don't mind this as my first fic up here. It was simply just for fun. My real writing is much better. Trust me.
Chapter 1: The Hair
"What would you like for dinner, love?" Val asked as she opened the gloomy food cupboard of Number 12 Grimmuald Place.
Sirius, who had been sitting down, put his feet up on the kitchen table and leaned his chair back on two legs. He casually blew his long hair out of his eyes and his once handsome face stared back at the woman across the room.
"Don't ask me, wait until someone gets here, will you?" he replies, leaning his head back.
Val shut the cabinet.
"I'm going to laugh my arse off if you fall back."
Sirius snorted at her.
A few moments had passed and Val had sat herself contently at the table, beside him, resting on her elbows. She slowly brushed small tangles out of her magically straightened black hair.
All was quiet, peaceful and typically normal until…
"SIRIUS?!"
Val jumped violently as did Sirius, who fell backwards on his chair with a loud Crash. Val forgot to laugh.
"Who in BLOODY HELL are YOU?!" Sirius roared, slowly standing up and massaging his lower back.
"Yes, and do kindly tell my why the hell you are in my house!" Val added, rising from her own chair.
"Oh, Siri! I thought you were dead!"
A young, blindingly beautiful woman came bounding into the kitchen with long, silver locks of perfectly wavy hair trailing behind her.
She found her way, gliding gracefully past Val and ran to Sirius, pushing herself against him, and holding him tight, her thin arms around his middle ad Val whispered, "Siri?"
"Dear, dear, Sirius, why would you scare me like that?" The woman blubbered, burring her face into Sirius' chest.
"Who-are-you…" He managed, his face grimaced in disgust. "You smell of…intense…floral…things!"
"You know who I am, don't be silly! Unless…"- She pushed away from him,-"Don't tell me this is going to be school all over again! Don't pretend you don't know me! There's no need to play pranks anymore!"
"No!" Sirius moaned impatiently," Who are you?"
She stared at him with perfect eyes.
"Woman, what the hell is your name!" He demanded.
The woman chuckled a beautiful, sickeningly musical laugh and smiled.
"I'm Rayvin Maroon! Don't you remember me, silly-head?"
"Sorry… what was that?"
"Rayvin maroon"
"Doesn't ring a bell."
Rayvin laughed musically again.
"Pardon me, Ms…Maroon-"
"Oh, Ew!" Rayvin cried as she turned and laid eyes on the much normal Val.
"Val's eyes widened as she jerked in surprise.
"Er- excuse me?"
"You…what are you supposed to be?" Rayvin asked, violently appalled by Val's normalness.
"Well, you see, I'm Valette Applegate. Sirius' girlfr-"
"-You're not his girlfriend."
"Exc-"
"I'm his wife."
Sirius' jaw dropped as Rayvin flashed her left ring finger that was branded with a large, fancy diamond wedding-band.
"Is that…so?" Val said, quietly confused.
"Yep! But that's far beyond the point! Look at this," she pauses and pulled on a strand of Val's hair, "hair!!"
Val glared at her.
"It's so…brown! Nothing interesting at all!"
"Actually it's black, but it does have br-"
"And you straighten it? With magic?"
"…Yes."
"That explains it then. Your ends are friend."
Val opened her mouth, but no words could form.
This woman is barking mad! Thought Val, Completely mental. What does she think she's getting at? There is no possible way magic fried my hair. I don't use heat…it's magic!
Val made a strange choking noise.
"My hair is completely natural!" Rayvin boasted, flipping a waist length chunk of sparkling beauty behind her shoulder.
"So your hair naturally matches the color of the ring Sirius bought me for my 21st birthday?" Said Val, smartly.
"Yep!"
Val twitched violently.
"my hair is my pride and joy. I of course don't ruin it with any form of products or treatments, and I don't even need all that…that's beside the point! I roll out of bed like this. It means everything to me! Obviously you can't wake up looking perfect…"
"Er- Ray…May I call you that?" Sirius asked, quickly getting her attention.
"Oh, of course, love-puppy!" Rayvin cooed.
Val gagged silently.
"Well…your hair is absolutely gorgeous-"
"Oh, I know…"
"Yes, well, it has been drastically decreasing in the amount it has been blinding me."
Silence
"Which means it isn't shiny anymore…"
Silence.
"Which means you have to go fix it now?"
"Oh NO!! Siri, you are so-so-so-soooo smart! I'll be back soon!"
And she skipped from their presence, just as graceful and perfect as she came.
Sirius and Val stared at the kitchen's entrance for a few moments, trying to recover from any from of shock they may have encountered.
"That wasn't strange at all…"Val said, with flat sarcasm.
Sirius let out a stressed chuckle.
"Heh, yeah…"
Author's Note: And that, my friends, marks the end of chapter 1! Thank your for reading and kindly review! Chapter 2 coming soon!