Worthy…
Part I
Kaoru stood on the hump of the bridge watching the fireworks with Kenshin. She silently observed him from the corner of her eyes; she watched as the colored lights danced, casting shadows upon his striking profile. She had been watching him closely since she'd return from Tomoko's wedding ceremony. It seemed like her friends were all getting married except for her, although, it wasn't from a lack of proposals. Her friends at the dojo were oblivious to the marriage offers she'd received; and her most recent one was at her friend's nuptials. Kaoru had turned him down; she was waiting for Kenshin to notice that she will always be by his side. She wanted him to acknowledge the love she had been patiently waiting to offer him.
She had been waiting…
...and waiting.
However, Kenshin refused to open his violet eyes enough to see her--really see her. He treated her as if he was her guardian and that was his sole purpose for living at her dojo. He didn't or couldn't see himself as anything more to her. She was his precious Kaoru-dono, a little spirited, but mostly naïve about the way the world was. Nevertheless, she didn't want Kenshin to see her that way. She wanted him to see her as a woman he could spend his life with and have a family with.
Someone he would open his heart to and love.
"Do you love me," asked Kaoru after one of the fireworks died in the sky.
Kenshin's regularly schooled expression of rurouni-cluelessness dropped off his face at the sudden and unexpected question. "Do I love you," he repeated. His mind was moving rapidly trying to find an appropriate answer to her question.
"Yes, Kenshin," Kaoru replied. "The kind of love shared between a man and a woman, not between friends."
The redhead rurouni silently cursed in his head. He knew something was amiss when she asked him to join her on the bridge. He stupidly thought that she probably wanted to stretch her legs after their long hours of sitting. He cursed again. He could usually tell when the subject of them moving toward a more intimate relationship was going to be discussed. However, this time he was caught unaware and he had no immediate diversion.
"It's not a hard question Kenshin" snapped Kaoru. She was agitated at his prolonged silence, which meant he was thinking of some platitude to ply her with. "Do you love me or not?"
Kenshin sighed; there was no way out of his immediate situation without Kaoru getting her feelings hurt. He had no choice; he had to tell her the truth. "Kaoru-dono, I love you as a friend." There he said it; but the weight on his slim shoulders didn't feel any lighter. He watched as the sparkle went out of her eyes at his answer. This is why he always avoided this particular conversation with her. He could not stand to see his shining girl lose her special sparkle.
Kaoru felt as if Kenshin had taken his sword and plunged it into her heart. It hurt that much to hear him say he didn't love her. "I see," said Kaoru slowly, struggling not to weep. "Will you ever love me as anything more than a friend?"
"Kaoru-dono," said Kenshin searching for a way to adequately express his feelings. "I can't allow myself to feel anything stronger for you than friendship. I'm not worthy of your love."
Kaoru bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. Her blue eyes stung as she refused to shed tears. However, she knew when she pulled Kenshin away from the festivities she would hear the answer she wanted or dreaded. It seems dread won out--like it always did. "What makes you think you're not worthy of my love Kenshin?"
"I'm damaged goods, Kaoru-dono," replied Kenshin. "Being the Hitokiri Battousai has made my hands unclean--not fit to touch purity such as you. I'm grateful that you allow me near you knowing my past deeds. However, I won't allow myself more than that; I can't allow myself more than that."
Wiping the few tears that slipped out of her eyes Kaoru smiled. "I wanted to know the truth and you didn't hesitate to tell me. I'm grateful for that Kenshin. I'm pleased to know where I stand in your life." She held up a hand hushing him. "Please don't be sorry, Kenshin. I knew when I invited you up here, to ask this question, I would likely hear an answer that would please me or would displease me."
"You are still very special to me, Kaoru-dono" replied Kenshin looking earnestly into her sapphire eyes. "You will always be special to me. You have allowed me to be someone other than the Hitokiri Battousai."
Kaoru grinned. She was Kenshin's "special" girl. He would never love her as more than the person that gave him a home where his sword could stay sheathed. "You will always be special to me too, Kenshin."
The couple returned their attention to the finale of the fireworks display. They both wondered how long their casual friendship would sustain such a revealing conversation.
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Kaoru glanced up at the morning sky, she had been awake since dawn, cleaning the dojo and stocking the kitchen with food. She had to finish her chores before she left to teach her class across town.
"Oi Kaoru," called Yahiko from the porch, his voice still held the vestiges of sleep in it. "What are you doing up so early in the morning? I thought with all the excitement from yesterday that you would at least sleep late." He rubbed his eyes and yawned. "I could have helped you. You could've just nudged me awake to help."
Kaoru turned around with a bright smile of her face. "It's okay Yahiko, I know that yesterday's celebration tired you out, I didn't want you to have to do chores on top of that. Today is a day of rest, so go ahead and rest. Or if you prefer you can sit around and do nothing at all."
Yahiko's jaw dropped. "Do nothing? What do you mean do nothing? I don't even have to practice? What's wrong with you today? Are you feeling all right? Should I call Megumi and have her come and check you over? It's the sun, right? You've been out in this blazing heat too long? He moved off the porch to place a hand to Kaoru's forehead. "You don't feel hot, but you can never tell with an illness."
Kaoru's forehead wrinkled with her frown. She smacked Yahiko's hand away. "I'm fine Yahiko. I just thought I would give you guys a rest from the celebration: sleep late and no chores." She tied the kerchief on her head tighter and picked up the wooden tub. "I have to teach today, so I want to have all the chores completed before I leave."
Yahiko watched as she walked away from him carrying the wooden tub. He knew last night that Kaoru and Kenshin had an intense conversation at the town's birthday celebration, but he didn't believe it went too well. They both returned with smiles on their faces, but the smiles didn't quite reach their eyes. He knew that time would come when Kaoru would be tired of sitting around waiting for Kenshin to realize his feelings for her. "She made the first move last night."
"And lost in the gamble," said a voice behind Yahiko.
Yahiko yelped and jumped back. "Damnit, Sanosuke! Don't sneak up on people. Are you trying to kill me?"
Sanosuke smirked. "If I wanted to kill you I would give you some of Jou-chan's cooking. However, if you were a good student of budo you would remember that I was slightly inebriated to return home, so I slept here."
"What does my study of budo have to do with you being too drunk to get home?" asked Yahiko.
"Because, if you had remembered my sad state of affairs last night you would have realized that you are not alone."
Yahiko snorted. "Your logic is as stupid as you look. Of course I'm not alone. Kaoru and Kenshin live here, too. I could hardly forget that fact."
"Aha! So, you admit then that you should have expected an early riser," remarked Sanosuke sitting on top of Yahiko, who was being punished for his insults.
"I'll admit nothing," said Yahiko struggling to be free. "But I will admit that Kaoru is feeling really rejected right now."
Sanosuke slid off Yahiko; leaning back he rested his elbows on the heated ground. "Being rejected is tough enough, but being rejected by someone you love has got to be a much more powerful hurt than anything."
"Yeah, I don't know why we can't force those two together," said Yahiko. "It's really annoying watching them pine for each other."
"I'll agree with you, but you can't force love when the other party isn't ready to admit they are in love."
Yahiko mulled this over before reaching the conclusion that adults in love were stupid. "You know Sanosuke when you say things like that it almost makes up for the fact that you're a brainless free-loader."
"What was that brat!"
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Busy work is what her hands needed. If she kept them busy then they wouldn't be available for her to cry into for her stupid gamble last night. They wouldn't be available for her to wring and mock herself for being so stupid for wanting more than she was allowed. When her father died, she thought she would always be alone, but Fate stepped in and gave her friends. Why couldn't she be happy with just having Kenshin as her friend? Why did her stupid, foolish, girlish, heart want something more from him?
Why couldn't she be happy being around him?
Because her heart refused to settle, that was the real reason she had finally approached Kenshin. Her heart had been tired of eating itself and aching for something only inches away from her hand. Her heart had been tired of Kaoru torturing herself over a clueless rurouni, who treated her like his best friend's kid sister.
Her heart wanted what a woman's heart wanted: someone to share a life with.
But Kenshin refused to give her any part of his heart, and he most definitely didn't want to share in her pain--only in her joy. Kenshin's heart didn't want hers--which was the total sum of her conversation with him. He liked his heart guarded and filled with his past's pain. Kenshin did not want to trust her with anything more serious than a cup of tea.
Hell, even then he'd say: "Kaoru-dono be careful it's hot." So maybe he didn't trust her with tea either.
Kaoru grumbled as she wrung out the freshly laundered clothes. "Nice and white," said a voice behind her. Startled Kaoru looked over her should and spied Sanosuke looming over her.
"What do you mean by "nice and white"?" asked Kaoru sliding the shirt she held onto the bamboo pole.
Sanosuke rubbed the back of his head and smiled. "Well since you're doing the laundry and the kids aren't here, I decided to be the kids for you. When Kenshin does the laundry the girls always say "nice and white" so I said it for them, since it's you and not Kenshin doing the laundry."
Kaoru stopped wringing out the clothes to stare at Sano. "What the hell are you babbling about?" She stood up wiping her wet hands on her apron. "Are you feeling all right?"
Sano rolled his eyes. "Shit. I should be asking you that question." He stuffed his hands in his pocket as he lifted his eyes to the bluish sky. "I, well, we saw you speak with Kenshin on the bridge. And I know you didn't get the answer you wanted, Jou-chan. Sorry."
"Why are you sorry," demanded Kaoru. "Did you ask Kenshin to turn me down, because you have some unrequited feelings for me?"
"What!" said Sano as a faint blush blossomed into his cheeks. "Hell, no."
Kaoru nodded her head. "Did you tell Kenshin to take my heart and crush it in his hand?"
"No, I would never ask him to do anything like that--it's not manly to talk about feelings."
"Then what the heck are you apologizing for then. Are you apologizing for some guy turning me down? I put myself on the line and I lost. You can't apologize because you feel sorry for me. It happens to girls all over the world. Are you going to apologize to every girl you know because their feelings weren't reciprocated?" Kaoru glared at Sanosuke her arms akimbo and her jeweled eyes flashing.
Sanosuke grumbled. "Hell, no...it's just that..."He ran a hand through his spiky, dark hair and made a mental note never to get involved with female love-problems again. "It's just that I hate to see you in pain. I know how much Kenshin means to you and how much it must have hurt you to be turned away."
Kaoru clenched her hands into a fist. This is exactly what she was trying to avoid. Pity. She didn't want any pity. What she wanted was to curl up on her futon and cry herself to sleep and awaken from the nightmare thrust upon her. "Look Sano, I know you want to help, but you can't. And I'm fine."
Sanosuke lifted a dark brow. "Really."
"Really, Sano," answered Kaoru. "I took a gamble and I lost." Kaoru's eyes clouded over. "It's not like I wasn't prepared for his answer. It just hurt to hear him say it." She laid a hand on his chest feeling the thudding of his heart. "I just need some time. Some healing time."
Sano placed his larger hand over Kaoru's. He cupped her chin with his other hand and searched her eyes with his own probing stare. "Che, fine, healing time." He removed her hand. "Take all the time you need." He walked away from her.
Kaoru smiled. "Thanks, Sano." Now back to the laundry.
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Kenshin watched as Kaoru poured out the dirty water from the laundry. The dojo and the main house were spotless. He had heard Kaoru get up early to start the chores and decided not to interfere. Mostly because he was trying to hide and he wanted to give Kaoru some healing time. He knew doing the laundry helped him feel normal and cleaning often helped him organized his thoughts.
Kaoru looked up and spotted Kenshin standing on the porch. "Good morning, Kenshin" she said with a smile.
"Oro. Good morning, Kaoru-dono," replied Kenshin a little confused. Why was she smiling? Why did she look so happy? Maybe the conversation they had had didn't affect her as much as he thought it did. "Kaoru-dono about the other day..." he trailed off not sure what to say to her, but wanting to return their relationship to its previous state.
Kaoru smiled. "Don't worry about it, Kenshin."
"Kaoru-dono, will our relationship ever return to normal?"
Kaoru shook her head. "No, Kenshin, because we never had a relationship. We are friends. And we will always be friends no matter what happens. Please, remember Kenshin that what happened the other day was not of your making but of mine." She moved forward and took his hand. "You don't need to feel bad or uncomfortable around me because of what occurred the other day. Our friendship is something I cherish and will always cherish."
Kenshin dropped her hand to put some space between them. "Kaoru-dono, I know yesterday did not go as you would have liked, but I wanted you to know that I do cherish our friendship. Even if we can't be in a relationship, I hope we can always be friends."
"We will always be friends, Kenshin," replied Kaoru. "The awkward feeling you currently are experiencing will go away with time."
"Kaoru-dono, I feel responsible for taking the light out of your eyes." Kenshin studied her quietly in the afternoon light. She was beautiful as always. A porcelain figure meant to be shown, but not touched. Especially with his dirty hands. "Kaoru-dono, I don't know what to say to you to put your special light back into your eyes. I feel guilty for taking it away. You smile now, but there is no light in you."
Kaoru smirked to herself. She couldn't hide anything from him. His eyes saw too much. "Kenshin, I'm not going to lie to you, I still hurt from our conversation, but there is no need for you to feel guilty. I should be the one feeling any guilt at all. I forced you to reveal your feelings toward me knowing that you have a hard time getting close to anyone. I felt foolish trying to force you to accept feelings you did not hold. I'm sorry, Kenshin."
"You have nothing to be sorry about Kaoru-dono, I'm the one who isn't worthy of your love. If things had been different for me..." Kenshin trailed off blushing.
Kaoru stepped forward quickly, hugged Kenshin, and just as quickly let him go. "Kenshin you are my best friend, and I'll cherish you forever. But sometimes I wonder if you only exist in the past."
"Oro," said Kenshin giving Kaoru a strange look. "I'm not a ghost Kaoru-dono. You just hugged me. I'm solid."
Kaoru laughed. "Your body lives in the future your mind and heart lives in the past." She smiled at him a gain causing his eyes to narrow at her. "One day, Kenshin you are going to have to unite the two."
Kenshin opened his mouth to speak.
"Kenshin, let's not speak about this issue anymore. I don't want to argue with you over it; besides I have to change clothes, I still have my lessons across town. And I think Sanosuke is looking for you. He was grumbling about making up some lost revenue from last time."
Kaoru smiled and walked away.
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All the preparations were in place. The house was stocked with food and clean. And they believed she was off to teach across town. She regretted not seeing Megumi, Ayame, Suzume, and Dr. Gensai one last time. Maybe it was better that she leave without seeing the children or Dr. Gensai, as they were her real family and it would be that much harder to leave them.
And she had to leave.
She could not stay in the dojo anymore. And she could not force Kenshin to leave either. The dojo was both of their homes. Kenshin needed the dojo to heal and atone. Kaoru no longer could stay there and watch Kenshin live in the past. She needed to heal, too, and she wouldn't be able to heal with Kenshin around her. Not that she expected to fully heal. Her heart would still have a nice hole in it, but most importantly the ache would be gone. She would be able to smile and laugh with Kenshin without yearning for him to see her as more than a good friend.
All she knew was she needed to leave the dojo and Kenshin. She needed to heal and seeing Kenshin everyday would stop her from healing. She needed to escape the loneliness seeping in her life. Otherwise, she would lose her mind and kill everyone at the dojo just to feel anything in her life.
She needed to go before she lost it--and killed Kenshin.
The journey would help.
Kaoru lifted up her meager belongings and started down the dusty road.
She would begin her new life as a rurouni.
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End. Chapter 1. Created [03/30/03] and Finished [05/12/04]. This is a little short story that I've been working on. It still needs a little more polish. And thank you for reading. Of course you know that I'm not too predictable, so this isn't going to be your average Kaoru-rurouni story. Take care, y'all. Send all comments, flames, questions, and critiques to me at pmchivashotmail.com. Oh, and yeah, I'm back. SMDSP