Disclaimer: I don't own anything, characters especially, from Gundam Wing (much as I want to); they belong to Sunrise, Sotsu and its creators, so don't sue me. You wouldn't get anything for it, anyway. The only things I own from this fic are the storyline/plot and the ideas.
Note: Warning! This is a sad 1x2 fic, angsty, Duo trying to commit suicide! This is also my first completed fic!
//Indicates Flashback//
Indicates thoughts.
~ Indicates the note. ~
A Note from Me
Written by Arkenjil
[Completed April 30, 2001.]
Duo sat on his bed alone, staring at the item he held in his hands. If only this could be easy. He looked up at the cold, white ceiling of the room, knowing that he would find no kindness there. I can't do it anymore. I can't live each day like I don't care, like I'm not like the rest of them… He sighed quietly into the stillness of the room, looking down.
It's always been a mask, something I had to keep up because they needed it. But I can't keep on doing this. It's killing me inside, slowly, with no way out. I'm a pilot like the rest of them. Why should I be the one to smile, to joke around, to make them forget the face of that little girl they killed?
It's not like I'm complaining. I love joking around. I wish I could, really, from the bottom of my heart. But now, every time…I see their faces, hear their voices, and I know Shinigami lives within me, and I know that my soul is weighted down by thousands of sins, by their deaths. Those innocents…
Innocents, just like Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen…I can't forget them. I cannot let myself forget them. How could I, when the only reason they died was because of me? It's killing me slowly, from the inside…it hurts so much. I wish I could believe in You, God, but you've given me no reason to do so. I've come to the end of my road. All the light is gone…I guess it fled when they burned down the church, when they killed…
I've been traveling a dark past since. And now, there's nothing. It's pitch black. I guess it's the end, then. There's nowhere left to go, no one left to turn to, too many sins and deaths and faces pulling me down. And-
Oh, Heero. I wish I could see you one last time. I love you, you know? But that's another reason why…Why I must go. All those people I've loved, guess where they went? They're all gone, now. I don't want that to happen to you, Heero. I don't want you to die. I love you, and so I must leave you. For your sake. For both of our sakes.
He stirred, lifting the gun from where it had rested in his hands and looked at it. One final life, and no more. Duo clicked the safety off and knelt on the floor in front of his bed.
With a shaking hand, he brought it to his head, squeezing his eyes shut. His finger trembled – why can't this be easy? – before he tightened it on the trigger.
Bang!
The shot went off, echoing loudly in the room. Duo opened his eyes and found himself lying on the floor, the hand that held the gun stretched far above his head and a body pressing down on him, effectively pinning him to the ground.He was too stunned to speak, to even squeak as Heero slowly lifted his head from Duo's shoulder. He could feel Heero's heavy breathing on his cheek – they were that close. Heero's Prussian blue eyes fixed on Duo's cobalt blue ones.
"What," Heero began, and his tone was deadly, "the hell do you think you were trying to do, Duo?"
Duo squirmed but found that he couldn't move. "Get off me, Heero. You didn't have to ask – I know you have brains in that head of yours."
"Then tell me why."
"You don't need to know why, Heero."
"The hell I don't."
Duo turned his head away, avoiding his eyes. After a moment, Heero realized that he wasn't going to tell him. He sighed and pushed himself up off his partner, taking Duo's gun from his hand. "Please."
His head jerked back to look at the Perfect Soldier. Was that pleading I heard in his voice? Duo's suspicions were confirmed as he saw Heero's eyes, dark with emotion, filled with anger, and – hurt? And fear.
"Sorry," he whispered, dropping his eyes to the ground. He missed the flash of lost hope that crossed Heero's face, followed by firm resolve.
"Fine," Heero said, getting up. He left the room.
Duo couldn't help but look at the closed door after he left. Why'd you stop me, Heero? Why did you stop me and leave? Do I really mean so little to you?
He let himself lay on the carpeted floor for a while, staring up at the white ceiling.
Heero locked the door after him as soon as he got to his room. He quickly grabbed a random piece of paper he found lying around and a pen and began writing.
Twenty minutes later, with a self-satisfied smile, Heero folded the paper in half and got up to look for Duo.
Duo stood on the roof of the safe house, the wind blowing his hair wildly. He was staring down at the ground, trying to force himself to jump. Something was holding him back, that told him that there was something else he had left unattended. What is it?
"Duo!" cried a voice from behind him. Heero struggled up onto the roof, making his way toward him.
"Leave me alone, Heero. Just go away."
"No, Duo. I won't let you-"
"Don't take another step, or I'm really going to jump."
Heero froze where he stood, his hair whipped up by the wind. They stared at each other for a long minute, silently. Finally, Heero held out his hand.
"Before you go," he muttered, just above the wind, his voice cracking, "can you read this?"
Duo stared at the piece of paper fluttering in the wind. "Fine," he said after a while, "but don't move." He walked forward and quickly took the paper from Heero's hand, staying out of the pilot's reach, and back up to where he had stood before.
He unfolded the note, and the first thing he noticed was the lightly penciled words all over the front and back of the paper. "Duo," it read, over and over again. Just that. Just "Duo."
Curiosity piqued, Duo began reading.
~ You try to hide it beneath that silly, deliberately casual mask we've known, ~
// "Hey, Hee-chan! Whatcha doing?"
"Hn." Heero casually flips the paper over so that it lies face down on the desk, tucking the pencil in behind his ear.
"Taking care of your wonderful laptop, I see." Duo stares at the blank screen. "…You actually do anything on that thing? All I ever see is you sitting around like a stone, waiting for a mission. You're more boring than watching paint dry! I mean, I know you love your laptop and all, but you know, I think – ooh, you know what I just thought of? Of course not, you don't care. But that's okay. Oh, that'll be just dandy, after I dye your hair-"
"Maxwell! Kisama!" comes Wufei's voice from somewhere outside.
"He he he. That would be Wu-man, figuring out that I painted his precious Nataku bright pink. Well, see you around, Hee-chan…I really gotta run." //
~ But any fool can see it in the way you act whenever you think you're alone. ~
// Heero's in the background, watching as Duo sits in front of the window, looking at the storm outside. He's fingering the gold cross that he always wears, sighing. Heero starts forward, wanting to say something, but then Duo sighs heavily, as if there was something of dire importance on his mind. Heero retreats, shaking his head, and leaves. //
~ There's a sorrow that sears your heart and somehow left it hurting and tender. ~
// Duo watches the Maxwell church burning down in front of his eyes, and he can't do anything to stop it. Tears are streaming down his face. He grips his braid, crying, and whispers, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…I won't forget you. I promise. I promise." //
~ And you? By now, I can clearly see that you've all but surrendered. ~
Duo's head jerked up to look at Heero, who hadn't budged an inch. Heero looked back, concern in his eyes. Duo glances back down at the note.
~ The world doesn't stop for you, won't take back the burdens it's given you, ~
// Duo jumps around the safe house, laughing and joking with all of them after a mission. //
~ And I can see that you don't really care, nor do you really want it to. ~
// Heero watches as Duo lapses into silence, looking outside, a look of being lost in his eyes. //
~ You're ready to just close your eyes, to let everything pass you by— ~
// Heero watches as Duo sleeps, the smile normally on his face in the daytime gone, replaced by a line of worry and pain. He smoothes Duo's bangs off his face, leans over, and gives him a slight kiss on the forehead. //
~ You're ready to just give up. You're ready to just die. ~
// Heero opens the door and sees Duo kneeling in front of the bed, gun to head. He panics and does the first thing that comes to mind – stop him. //
~ But you haven't thought of what we'd do if you left us hanging in the blue— ~
// Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, and Heero are sitting around the dinner table. Quatre's trying to hold a conversation, but it isn't working. Finally, Wufei says, "Stop it, Quatre. It's not the same without Duo here. Watching you try to make up for him – I can't stand it."
Heero suddenly turns and looks at the door. Duo flings the door wide open, soaking wet from the rain but grinning cheekily as always.
"I'm back! Miss me?" Duo prances over to where Heero sits and gives him a quick hug, leaving Heero wet with the rain from his clothing. Heero glares at Duo, but as soon as he turns his back, he smiles. //
~ What would happen to me, most of all – I'm sure you haven't a clue. ~
// Heero tosses and turns in bed, trying to sleep but finding he can't. Finally, he gets up and snuggles into Duo's empty bed, breathing in Duo's scent that permeates his bed. He falls asleep, a smile on his face. //
~ And now I'll bet you're wondering what exactly it is that I'm trying to say, ~
// Heero shakes his head, grinning, as Duo blows up another mobile suit while screaming "I am Shinigami!" Duo's face pops up on the com link, winking, and asks, "So how'd I do today?"
The grin disappears in a flash to be replaced by a cold mask. "There're more suits that way," the Perfect Soldier says. As soon as Duo's disappointed face flickers off, Heero groans. //
~ That I could never muster up the nerve to tell you, through I've tried every day. ~
// "You wanted to say something to me, Heero?"
Heero looks up from his laptop, Wufei from his paper, Trowa from his book, and Quatre from the television. Heero paused. "No, I didn't." //
~ So here it is, if not bared on this paper, then bared on my soul and on my heart: ~
Duo gripped the note tightly.
~ I love you. I've loved you for centuries and eternity – Death cannot do us part. ~
// Heero leans over and gently kisses a sleeping Duo. //
~ And if now you decide to go, then by God, to Hell or Heaven I will follow. ~
// Duo screams as Heero self-destructs. "Heero!" He jumps out of his Gundam and plows through the wreckage, trying to find Heero. After minutes of desperate searching, Duo finds Heero and digs him out. //
~ You light up my life, and I will search for your light over every hill and hollow. ~
// Heero sits patiently by the hospital bed, watching Duo breathe. It's 4 in the morning. //
~ Because you got under my mask and made me feel loved when your heart smiled, ~
// Duo cracks a joke and is laughing at it. Heero pretends to blow him off, but when he turns around, his eyes are dancing with merriment and love. //
~ My forever-grateful heart, by the sound of your laughter, will always be reconciled. ~
// Heero sits in a tree, watching Duo and Quatre play with a group of kids, relishing Duo's laughter. //
~ So come to me in need, let me shoulder your burdens, let us brave the storm together. ~
// Duo finishes the work on Shinigami and wipes his hands off on a spare cloth. He glances in the direction of the door, and, to his dismay, it is raining. He sighs – he didn't want to get wet today – when a figure appears in the doorway. It's Heero, and he has an umbrella. //
~ We are two halves of a single soul. Aishiteru, Duo; for always, for now, forever. ~
Duo looked up at Heero, bangs blowing all over. He walked back to Heero, who was looking at him warily as he approached. Once he got close enough he reached up and caught Heero in a fierce embrace.
Stunned, Heero froze, blinking. Then he smiled and wrapped his arms around Duo.
Tears spilled from Duo's eyes. "Thank you, Heero," he whispered into Heero's neck. "I love you, I love you, I love you…"
"I love you, too," Heero whispered back.
The two of them stood on the roof for a while, not noticing the wind blowing about them. Finally, Duo pulled back a little.
"Heero," he began, waving the note, "how did you find time to write this?"
"Twenty minutes isn't that much."
"I'm not talking about the poem. I'm talking about my name, written all over the paper."
Heero snatched the note back from Duo and stared at the paper, eyes widening. A blush crept up his face, and Duo laughed.
"Don't tell me this paper was just lying around in your room."
"Actually…it was."
Duo's eyebrows shot up.
Heero gave him a smug look. "What do you think I do in all my spare time, sit there and stare at my laptop?"
*OWARI*
Author's Note: Here's the full poem:
You try to hide it beneath that silly, deliberately casual mask we've known,
But any fool can see it in the way you act whenever you think you're alone.
There's a sorrow that sears your heart and somehow left it hurting and tender.
And you? By now, I can clearly see that you've all but surrendered.
The world doesn't stop for you, won't take back the burdens it's given you,
And I can see that you don't really care, nor do you really want it to.
You're ready to just close your eyes, to let everything pass you by—
You're ready to just give up. You're ready to just die.
But you haven't thought of what we'd do if you left us hanging in the blue—
What would happen to me, most of all – I'm sure you haven't a clue.
And now I'll bet you're wondering what exactly it is that I'm trying to say,
That I could never muster up the nerve to tell you, through I've tried every day.
So here it is, if not bared on this paper, then bared on my soul and on my heart:
I love you. I've loved you for centuries and eternity – Death cannot do us part.
And if now you decide to go, then by God, to Hell or Heaven I will follow.
You light up my life, and I will search for your light over every hill and hollow.
Because you got under my mask and made me feel loved when your heart smiled,
My forever-grateful heart, by the sound of your laughter, will always be reconciled.
So come to me in need, let me shoulder your burdens, let us brave the storm together.
We are two halves of a single soul. Aishiteru, Duo; for always, for now, forever.