Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to their respective creators.
~ Stimuli
Sherlock could barely hold back the grin on his face, the climax to a series of murders, a triple homicide. The crime scene was in a bedroom at some apartments, rundown, low-income apartments. Two naked corpses lying on the bed; man and woman, and one clothed corpse of another man on the floor. John walked in the room behind Sherlock looking around, grimacing and assisting Sherlock, while DI Lestrade was in the doorway, allowing the genius brunette to do his job.
"Man and woman in the bed, obviously lovers in some illicit affair, from the still fresh bodily fluids. The man on the floor is her, no, his husband, judging from the same type of gold band on their fingers. Man on the floor came back home to find his husband with this woman, a confrontation started when a fourth person came in here and shot all of them but fled quickly, leaving the weapon…" Sherlock looked under the bed and pulled a gun,
"Under the bed."
"Brilliant." said John
"As always." Retorted Sherlock
"Good." Input Lestrade
John was examining the bodies when something caught Sherlock's eye. With a latex gloved hand, he the touched a small sample of clear bodily fluid residue from the bed, observing and smearing between his thumb, index and middle fingers. It was transparent, with the same consistency as water but it wasn't water. He smelled it, catching a small hint of urine but the liquid wasn't urine, what was it? John moved to exam one of the bodies in the bed but caught Sherlock smelling his own glove covered digits and smearing his fingers together.
"Sherlock, what are you doing?" John asked, also bringing the attention of Lestrade to the brunette.
"This fluid here, it isn't semen, nor is it vaginal discharge. I would say its urine, considering I can smell a trace of urine, but its not…"
John's eyes were huge in skepticism, going back and forth between Sherlock and Lestrade while the Detective Inspector covered his mouth, trying to hide his mirth and chuckles.
"You're not serious, are you?"
"What?"
"You really don't know what that is?" John asked in amazement.
"Well if you're going to put it that way, let me find out." Sherlock clenched out
Lestrade snorted, making Sherlock turn his attention towards him.
"Something funny Inspector?"
"You've never been with a woman at all, have you?"
"I fail to see how my personal life comes into play."
"Well, have you?"
"No." Sherlock narrowed his eyes at Lestrade, only making the DI grin smugly.
"John, you're the doctor, care to brush him up on his sex ed?"
"No, Mycroft can do that."
Both John and Lestrade laughed at the small joke and Sherlock's obviousness; the brunette only glared at the both of them, looking a bit like an angry cat, hackles raised and all.
"Since you two obviously know something that I don't, care to enlighten me."
"You're asking me to tell you?"
"I'm giving you the opportunity of playing out my usual role in these investigation, so if you could not rub it in-"
"Ok, easy, I'll talk. Um, how to explain this…"
"Yeah John, explain." Lestrade was enjoying this far too much, even the doctor sent him a small glare.
"I'm waiting."
"Ever heard of, squirting?"
Sherlock had a look of puzzlement, the term was familiar, of course, but he was unfamiliar on how the term was related to sex.
"Squirting?"
"It's a type of… female ejaculation."
"A type of… explain."
"Well, you have your typical vaginal discharge, which 'cleans' the area, in a way, it.. helps out with sex by being a natural lubricant and is ejaculated during and after intercourse. Then you have squirting, which is an over stimulus of the female genital area during or after intercourse."
"Which area?"
"Oh God, Sherlock, don't make me say it."
"I need all the facts."
"-sigh- an over stimulus of the clitoris and the G-spot."
"G-spot." Sherlock deadpanned.
"Fine! The female prostate."
"Using the correct terminology is always helpful."
Sherlock thought over this new information, removing the soiled gloves from his hands but these new details were pushed to the side, they had a case to solve and a murderer to find.
~ In the Lab ~
They were in the lab at St. Bart's, Sherlock analyzing mold samples for a new case, John reading some article in and medical journal and Molly recording data from her test tubes. Sherlock still had the whole 'squirting' information on his mind and was tempted to ask Molly about it, but not with John in the room, something about tact. The day before he asked John if he was currently seeing a girl, so he can observe the act of 'squirting' in action, but John chewed his ear off, going on about voyeurism between flat mates, crossing a kind of friendship line, and stopped paying attention, it got boring. Sherlock decided to wait for John to go to the loo, he had about five cups of tea so far and should be feeling the urge to go… now.
"I'll be back, if you'll pardon me." It was like clock work.
"Nobody cares for your bowl movements John."
"Its not that, its, oh never mind, I'll be back." John rolled his eyes.
"Worst. Impression. Ever." Sherlock mumbled, but was now more determined to ask Molly. He stopped looking at the mold sample with the microscope, stood up and walked over to the lab technician.
"Molly?"
"Y-yes?"
She was a bit startled on how close he was but stopped what she was doing.
"Molly, you're a woman of maturity and I appreciate that maturity. You've worked in these labs with various chemicals, worked in the morgue with a stomach capable of tolerating the sight and smells of death. An envy of other women not competent enough to do what you do."
"That's sweet Sherlock,… what do you want?" She saw right through him.
"I want to ask you something, personal, and its because I know that you're mature enough to answer it that I can ask you."
"What do you want to know?"
John came back from the loo, although on his way back he noticed a seething with blistering fury Molly stalk down the hall from the lab. He walked up to Sherlock, who was looking at the mold samples again.
"Did something happen while I was out?"
"Nothing extraordinary, no." Sherlock said bluntly
"Huh, ok."
Sherlock turned to his left to reach for something behind him when John saw it, a hand shaped red mark on his right cheek.
"What the hell? Sherlock?!"
The doctor gently grabbed his face to get a better look at the mark.
"What?"
"You asked her, didn't you?"
"I didn't see the problem, she works in the medical profession, things like that shouldn't offend her."
"Do we need to have another conversation about tact?"
"No."
"Let me find an ice pack for you."
~ A Day Later, At the Flat ~
"Alright, I'm going out." John stated loudly
"Another girlfriend?"
Sherlock was on his laptop, typing on his website about the latest case they finished.
"No, just out with some friends in town, see you later." John left.
"Hm."
The detective finished with his typing, but got curious about the 'squirting' and decided to do some research, typing in 'squirting', and got a lot of results. He clicked on a link, which lead to a video only to quickly click his way back to the search results page. He sat there, debating if he should continue with visual research or to read about it, decisions, decisions.
John entered the flat, slightly buzzed and noticed Sherlock still on his laptop, concentrated on whatever was on the screen.
"You're still there?" The doctor removed his coat to hang it up.
"Obviously." Sherlock removed an ear bud from his right ear.
"Have you even moved since I left?" the doctor approached the desk, Sherlock's eyes haven't left the screen.
"No."
"Why do you have ear buds on?"
"For reasons."
John took into account Sherlock's body language, flushed face, pupil dilation, some accelerated breathing.
"Is that, are you blushing?"
"Shut up, you're blushing."
John noticed another thing about the brunette
"You're sitting there with a raging hard on, what are you watching?"
"Research."
The doctor went to see what Sherlock was looking at.
"What research? Oh God! Really Sherlock? Pornography?! Are you that desp-?"
"Desperate for knowledge, yes." Sherlock stopped the video to look at John.
"Right, knowledge on 'squirting'."
"Female ejaculation."
"And… the erection?"
"A physical result of audio and visual stimuli, only affects my body, not me personally."
"Of course, cause you have no interest."
"You don't believe me."
"Oh no, I believe you but this situation is ridiculous."
"Yeah it is."
John made a face of 'duh'.
"Can I get some help with this?" the brunette pointed towards his problem, making John turn red and forcing his eyebrows high into his hairline.
"No, you're on your own with that."
"John."
"No, I'm not touching, not touching you, no."
"As a friend, John, you're suppose to help me."
"Friends help each other, yes, but normal friends don't ask their friends to wank them off."
"Normal, who want normal?"
"Nope, still not doing that."
"I'm asking for help, John."
"No, I'm not jerking you off."
"Well, I didn't actually say hand-job."
John shut his mouth and walked stiffly and awkward to his room.
"John. John! Come back, I'm joking, look! It's not even hard anymore, see? Jawn!"
Author's Note: Just a quick little fic I thought of earlier today, it's silly and weird but so much fun to write the dialog for, review if you want.