Heeeeeeey guys... So this is my first time back after a looooong long long time. This story was demanding to be written so I'm doing it. I've read tons of Labyrinth fanfiction and I have yet to find one where Sarah wishes away herself and has to run the labyrinth to get herself back. It might exist but I haven't found it so I thought that I would share my little brain baby with you.
This chapter isn't very funny and is full of a lot of stuff that I have no idea if you guys will like or not. So please please please review and please please please be nice. I really don't need to deal with any bitches.
I promise right now that this story will 1. be well written, 2. have a satisfying ending, 3. maybe help you with your own problems of depression, 4. have witty banter, 5. have witty inner monologues, 6. maybe even have a few funny situation, 7. be good for your soul.
BUT my writing is going to be affected by your reviews. My writing will reflect the amount of reviews this lovely thing gets. I will take your wants, needs and wishes into consideration. And I will love you forever.
XOXO
Enjoy
Sarah stared at her computer screen. She felt… listless. There was an ache in her chest and deep in her bones that had her wanting to tear at her skin but also wanting to hold herself together. It almost felt like… butterflies were in her stomach, were in her chest… but the butterflies were man eating and they were destroying her from the inside out. She felt full and empty and contradicting and...just…sad.
She was depressed. She knew she was depressed. She didn't want to admit that she really had a problem but her aching, random outbursts of anger, apathy, lethargy, and loneliness that felt so lonely, she didn't want anyone around her told her otherwise.
She was too stubborn to go to the doctor, even though it was obvious that she needed help. Getting help would mean admitting defeat and that was unacceptable. She didn't need help from anyone.
She had gotten herself far enough in life by herself.
After everything that happened in the labyrinth that one night, things were different. Obviously her relationships with her dad, stepmother, and Toby improved. She wasn't stupid enough to not learn a lesson from that experience. Unfortunately, not only good came out of the labyrinth. Sarah found everything lacking a certain magic that she yearned for. It was unsatisfying. Fortunately, Sarah had a strong mind and let her need for something better give her inspiration. She worked hard when she could and found comfort in books.
She now worked as an associate editor at a fairly successful book publishing company. She had worked her ass off through high school and four years of college to stretch those wings of hers that were so desperate to take flight toward bigger and better things. She interned. She had worked her way to her position and planned to continue to work her way until she reached the top.
She just needed to find the motivation to get herself out of this...bog of eternal unhappiness.
Motivation was hard to find these days.
It was probably just some chemicals in her brain not working how they were supposed to.
Maybe she should try yoga?
She found no motivation to try yoga.
Sarah continued to stare at her computer screen.
buzz buzz buzz buzz
A text message from her ex boyfriend, Darren, lit up the screen of her phone. He had been trying to convince her to get back together but she was just...not feeling it. She wished she was feeling it. She didn't think she'd feel so alone with a boyfriend. Plus, he looked like one of her favorite famous people. Still...it wasn't worth the effort. He played video games and was significantly too arrogant for her tastes.
She decided to read the text anyway, hoping his words would somehow get her to start feeling again. They didn't.
Darren- You can come hang out with me
Sarah- You only text me when you want me to come over. I talked to Tyler yesterday and now I want to be alone.
Darren- well I'm sorry that I only start my conversations with want to come over but I am busy myself and haven't really had time to talk. And I'm sad too. I didn't get the job at that insurance place I applied for so I've been having a rough week.
Sarah- Well I'm sorry that you've had a rough week. I've had a rough four months. I'm sad and as soon as I think I am finally actually okay, I crumble again. I am just a pile of weird, aching pieces right now.
Darren- Ok and I get that. And the only way to fix that is to detox from life and do things that are positive influences on your life and make you feel happy.
Sarah- I can't. Nothing is appealing. I spent my whole day yesterday having a lot of fun and I got ice cream and spent time with Toby and I feel worse today than I have in a long time.
Darren- Well then I don't know what I can do to help you. I'm inviting you to come hang out and have fun and watch movies and be lazy and laugh and you just choose to be depressed and alone. It's your choice and that's fine.
Sarah- I know.
Darren- But whenever the fun non depressed you comes out, then come on over and we can have fun. Because I like hanging out with the fun you. And I want to see her again.
Sarah- I want to see her again too
Darren- She's there you just need to say fuck it to the depressed you and then come over and let yourself have fun.
Sarah- It just all feels very futile.
Darren- It's not. It will be worth it in the end. Yeah it will seem useless at the beginning and futile and that you should be depressed because it's easier. But it's not. Once you let yourself be happy then you look at life in a new point of view and light.
Sarah- I don't WANT to be depressed. I don't want to see spending time with people and watching movies and acting and reading and life as being so futile. I just do. I don't want to feel like all this terrible unbearable aching tension in my body is the only thing holding me together. I just do.
Darren- Well then I don't know what I can do. I've done all I can.
Sarah- As much as I would love for you to be my hero, I'm going to have to save myself or nothing.
Darren- Yeah.
Sarah- I'm gunna go now
Darren- Ok
Sarah sighed and rubbed her hands along her face, groaning softly as she did so. Talking to Darren was exhausting. She knew he was trying to help but she also knew that he wouldn't be trying to help unless it benefited him in some way. She assumed that when he said "have fun," he meant "have sex" and she was not about to deal with that again.
Sex with Darren was as exhausting as having stupid conversations through text about her depression. For one, he lasted freakishly long and she found herself getting bored because the sex took so long. Two, she got bored during sex. It really wasn't Darren's fault that she got bored during sex. In every sexual encounter that she has had, she hadn't truly enjoyed the act. She had never climaxed because of another person and she hadn't even really had fun.
Good thing she was still acting as a hobby because that's all she did when she was in bed with a man. And it wasn't that they were men. She loved men. She loved the thought of what men could do to her. It's just that when all that doing was actually happening….ehhhhhhh.
Even with Tyler-which was another horrendously exhausting story in her life. They had interned together and eventually the sexual tension had become so unbearable that one day they just ravished each other. She hadn't enjoyed it but there was something satisfying about finally being with the guy that made up for it. They had been best friends and continued to be best friends (with benefits but she didn't like to think she was that shallow...she just liked to think that no one else could do what they did for each other) until a few months ago when he got a girlfriend and stopped talking to her completely.
Sarah slammed her laptop shut.
She hated thinking about the past.
She got up and quickly walked the few steps from her couch to her piano and immediately started playing a song she had learned because of a Jane Austen movie. It made her feel a little better but the words to the song distracted her.
Weep you no more, sad fountains;
What need you flow so fast?
What did that mean? Was she a sad fountain? She hadn't cried in a while but she always felt it kind of gnawing under her skin and in the back of her head.
She had gotten a little misty in the grocery store the other day with Tyler had texted her for the first time in weeks, asking her if she was mad at him.
Tyler- Are you mad at me?
Sarah- Nope. But I'm not happy with you either.
Tyler- What did I do?
Sarah- Nothing. You haven't done anything and that's why.
Tyler- I can't tell if you're joking or if you're actually upset with me
Sarah- Neither. I'm not upset. You haven't done anything. You haven't talked to me for weeks except for when you wanted me to be in your play and that was a group text. You haven't done anything and that's why.
Tyler- I've been a bit busy. We've been doing separate stuff for a change. I've been working on my show and yeah, I REALLY needed you for it but you didn't want to.
Tyler- You just as much haven't contacted me sarah. I've actually said to a few people about how you haven't talked to me and it's kind of worried me.
Sarah- I feel like you only talk to me when it's convenient. And I know I haven't contacted you but I don't start text conversations and you could have texted or called me if you really wanted to. But you've friend-dumped me a few times. I figured you did again. I'm tired of waiting for you to want me to give you a ride to work or needing my opinion on something so you can feel better.
Tyler- Dude no you're still my friend. I've just been busy. Had you been able to help with my show we would have hung more but I've just been all over the place.
Sarah- You hadn't talked to me for two weeks before I got the text telling me I was in the show.
Tyler- Yeah like I said, I've been pretty busy. Since I haven't been doing shows I'm either working all the time or trying to find a place to sleep since I moved out again or working on my show
Sarah- Okay.
Tyler- I promise dude I'm not gonna stop being your friend. Trust me OK?
Sarah- Sure. I have work to do. Bye.
She had blinked away a few tears and then tried a sample of roast beef that a worker at the grocery store was handing out.
She was being honest when she said she wasn't upset with him but no one brought the heart break out of Sarah more than Tyler did. She was in love with him once. She wasn't anymore but she still felt the residual effects of the heart break she endured when she realized that she wasn't good enough for him. Being friends was all they could be and she got over it.
Sarah walked away from the piano and into her room. She laid on her bed, pleased to see that she hadn't turn off the heating pad that morning. She stared at the ceiling, writing words to the imaginary autobiography she had in her head.
'I lay in bed thinking about the texts. I couldn't help but feel upset. Like I was just this tiny little disappointment in such a big world when everything I felt and experienced felt so big and significant.
I lay in bed feeling the warmth of the heating pad comfort my cold, stiff body. I felt nausea and empty. The front of my face felt so heavy though. Like I wanted to cry.
I thought about crying but when I imagined laying in bed crying and getting more and more upset, I felt foolish. No use in crying.
I close my eyes and remember my dreams from the night before. I miss them. Oh how I wished they were real and that they didn't always end right before I had the chance to be happy.
I felt so small and pathetic in my big big warm bed. I imagined his long arms curling around my waist from behind and him burying his face in my hair, in my neck. I imagined him laying in front of me and pulling me close so I could rest my cheek against his chest.
I felt alone.
Oh well. No use in dwelling on things. That won't do any good. I just have to live life better and fuller and more satisfying though I don't think that's going to happen. As long as I get things done and continue to feel hollow and fake, I'll be fine.'
Sarah ceased mentally writing her imaginary book to think more on her dream. She didn't remember much about it but what she did remember had her wondering. She wondered what it would really feel like to be held like the faceless man in her dream had held her. She wished she could feel like that about a man in real life but every man she knew was just so….she couldn't think up a word but it wasn't pleasant. Maybe they were all too human?
Her thoughts hesitantly drifted to the Underground. She wondered if it was the same as how it was when she left. She wondered what became of her friends...and enemy. She realizes now that the king wasn't nearly as horrible and villainous as she once thought he was. He was only doing his job and she supposed she respected him to some degree because of that. She still wasn't very pleased that that job included baby snatching and putting young girls in potentially deadly situations but who was she to judge? It was a totally different world.
She never called on her friends. She wished she did but it made her feel foolish to look in a mirror and think that someone (or something) from the underground would be waiting to hear from a silly girl. Plus, she was afraid that seeing a life and friends she truly could never have completely and then once again go back to boring every day life would eventually kill her.
Coming back from the Underground reminded Sarah of an episode of Doctor Who she saw. Rose was going to stay on Earth and the Doctor was going to continue on being the Doctor and move along. Rose decided to continue to be the Doctor's companion, though, because she didn't want to eat chips, go to bed and watch telly every day until she died.
Leaving the Underground-even after such a short amount of time-was just like that… but she didn't have the choice. The king didn't need a companion to go on life changing adventures with and she didn't think he'd be happy with her just wandering the labyrinth on her own.
buzz buzz buzz buzz
Sarah's vibrating phone pulled her away from her thoughts.
She whimpered and slowly sat up before opening her phone to read the text.
Tyler- So I'm going to drop your stuff off for you tomorrow if you seriously don't want to be my friend cause I've been busy. Is that OK?
Sarah- God. It's not that you've been busy and I don't want to be your friend but being your friend is rough. It feels like you don't respect me and you just forget about me when something or someone better comes along and catches your interest until you need me for something again. It doesn't matter if you are busy or not. I know how you can be and even if you were the busiest person on the planet, you would have talked to me if you wanted to.
Sarah- I am sad. I am very sad, Tyler. And I am barely holding myself together. And I just don't know.
Tyler- You have no idea how busy I am dude, not to mention that YEAH I've been hanging with Stephanie a lot cause were dating, not cause I've replaced you or don't want to talk to or hang with you, its just how shit goes. I haven't hung with much of anyone outside of her, as well as, once again, you just as much didn't talk to me as I didn't talk to you. You seemed pissed off and frustrated the last few times we talked then you didn't contact me, so what am I supposed to think of that? I told you a long time ago you would feel this way even though I was in no way trying to do this. You've been my friend a long time and for about two years running we've done projects together. That was gonna stop eventually and when it did I just got busy with other stuff. I'm not mad at you, I never wanted to stop talking to you, and as far as I remember, I have tried very hard to show you I appreciated everything you've done for me, but I guess I didn't do a good enough job.
Sarah let out a shuddering breath as she slowly typed, 'you make me feel useless.' into her phone. She held her breath and just stared at the words, not knowing what else to put. Words flew around her head but she couldn't grasp onto enough of them to make them make sense at all.
She just continued to stare at the words until they blurred with her unshed tears. She blinked and she felt the warm, salty tears trickle from her eyes and down her cheeks slowly. And, suddenly, it was like a dam broke. She shuddered and shivered and hiccuped and whimpered and cried, desperately trying to get words to come to her fingers so she could finish the text and be done with it.
She deleted the words she had typed and instead wrote something else. He had texted her again before she finished her text. She added words to what she was writing. The words felt broken, weak, and withdrawn.
Tyler- And I'm serious, Sarah. I've missed you.
Sarah- I could say so much. I could send you texts as long as books. But that's complicated and hard and I don't have it in me. I've missed you too. I miss me. I miss being happy.
Sarah quickly sent the text and then got out of bed to run to the bathroom. She needed toilet paper to blow her nose. She hated crying. She stood in the dark bathroom, her head spinning from hyperventilating but her heart not at all ready to calm down. She leaned against the counter and slowly slid to the ground, covering her face with her hands again and sobbing so loud she was surprised her neighbors couldn't hear.
She didn't know how it happened, but she ended up in a ball on the ground, desperately trying to hold herself together as her soul tore apart. She had been bottling up so much for so long that as it poured out of her, it tore her apart until she bled and ached and couldn't breathe.
Then, she picked herself up off the ground and walked back to the piano.
She played the song she had learned because of a Jane Austen movie, wondering if she was the weeping sad fountain she was playing about.
She shook her head and rested her forehead against the piano keys. She didn't know what to do. She was lost. She was at a loss about how lost she was.
She wiped a tear that had slipped out of her eye, the single tear burning her cheek that was raw and tender from the crying.
"Don't fret, Sarah." She whispered to herself. "You'll look back on this and laugh at how foolish you've been when you're 80 years old. You'll tell your children and your children's children that if you survived both clinical depression and a broken heart, they can survive eating their vegetables." She sniffed, "Just make sure they know that it wasn't a boy that made you sad. The boy just made your sad even more sad."
She wiped away her tears quickly and tried to control her breathing before she got herself too upset again.
Then she thought about the Underground again. She thought about the smell of magic and Hoggle's kind eyes. She thought about how much she learned and how she still had so much to learn. She thought about the Goblin King and his enigmatic gaze.
"I wish the goblins would take me away…" She whispered and then sniffed, wiping her face in attempt to rid herself of all this weakness. She groaned. "Oh God, what am I going to do with myself?"
"Well, I wouldn't call myself a god but I'm flattered that you think so highly of me," spoke a voice behind her. "Now, let's figure out what exactly you want to do with yourself, precious."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN
I tried to make her depression and her actions as real and as raw as possible. I hope it wasn't icky to anyone.
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