Pairing: Shiro (Hollow Ichigo) x Ichigo Kurosaki

Music Poker Face, by Lady Gaga

Word count: ~ 2100

Rating: T

A/N: I blame Satarudd for this one, because she wanted to read about the joint ceremony from Seize the Day. That got me thinking about meeting the family, and there are just so many possibilities for craziness there.

Addendum: Beta-read by the lovely XIce-and-SnowX on 11/1/12

Prompt 19: Itch

There was a distinct itch between Shiro's shoulder blades that refused to go away, no matter how many times he insisted to Ichigo—and himself—that he was not nervous.

Of course, it didn't help that he'd never met Ichigo's family before. He'd never even thought about meeting Ichigo's family before. It had never come up. Ichigo had never offered, either, and looking at him now—slumped against the train window, broodingly watching the scenery pass—he suspected that the redhead wasn't all too thrilled that Shiro had wanted to meet his family before their civil union ceremony.

When Shiro had brought up the idea, Ichigo had said no. When Shiro had pressed the matter, Ichigo had broken two chairs and their coffee table before he finally gave in. It had impressed the hell out of Shiro—he'd never seen Ichigo go from his usual somewhat-even-tempered to ballistic so fast. Still, he had won the argument/fight, and that was all that mattered.

His family couldn't be that bad.

Right?

Shifting uncomfortably, Shiro finally broke the tense silence that had hung between them since they boarded the train. "So…uh, ya wanna clue me in on who's gonna be there?"

Ichigo turned away from the window and shot him a glance that was somewhere between disgusted and pitying. Shiro felt his blood run cold.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Ichigo shifted in his seat to face him and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so now you want to know?" He didn't give Shiro time to answer, but huffed out a short breath and scrubbed a hand through his spiky hair. "Well, I guess you'll need some kind of warning, even if this is completely your fault. It's a family reunion, so everyone is going to be there. They usually hold it in May, but Dad must have spilled the news to the planning committee, so they moved it up a month."

"Okay," Shiro ventured cautiously. "Any crazy aunts I've gotta watch out for? Mad uncles? Grabby cousins?"

If anything, the oddly unnerving compassion in Ichigo's eyes increased, and he shook his head. "You don't understand," he said carefully, as though speaking to a particularly slow child. His eyes were gently pitying. "They're all nuts."

The itching between Shiro's shoulder blades increased exponentially.

They had walked about half a mile from the train station before Ichigo deigned to finish answering his question—and then, Shiro suspected, only because he had agreed to walk the mile to the family estate, and get there later, rather than renting a car.

"The ones you really want to watch out for are my brothers," he warned with a slightly nervous grimace, and Shiro gulped slightly at that. For all Shiro teased him about being a pansy-ass author, Ichigo was a tough-ass fighter, too. If he was apprehensive about facing these brothers, Shiro figured he damn well should be, too.

"Uh, how many?" he asked, and hoped his voice didn't sound quite as uneasy as he felt. Judging by the look on Ichigo's face, that hope was futile.

Nevertheless, Ichigo answered, even though he sounded like he was reading his own obituary. "Three older brothers. Kon, Kaien, and Shuuhei. Kaien's the oldest, then our sister Nanao, then Shuuhei, then Kon, and then me. Yuzu and Karin are twins, and the youngest. Then there's our Dad, who's the most insane of all of them, and his brothers Shunsui, who hasn't been sober since he became legal, and Zangetsu, who's a creep, and his half-brother Kisuke, who can be even more insane than Dad, but at leasthas good hours and bad hours."

Catching Ichigo's sideways glance, Shiro nodded quickly to show he understood, ignoring the feeling that his stomach was sinking lower and lower in his gut. It was just the train food, he assured himself.

Himself didn't seem so convinced.

Seeing the acknowledgement, Ichigo sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. "Then it gets complicated. Zangetsu's son is Tensa, and he's as much of a freak as his old man. Kisuke is married to a woman named Yoruichi, who's sadistic, and they have an adopted daughter named Soi Fong, who worships Yoruichi and hates Kisuke. Yoruichi's cousin is a man named Juushiro, who's been with Shunsui since they were in school. Her other cousin, Byakuya, is seeing her and Kisuke's adopted son, Renji. Byakuya's sister-in-law Rukia—his dead wife's younger sister—is married to Uryuu, my cousin on my mother's side—there aren't many left on that side, though, and they usually steer clear of our reunions. There'll probably be a bunch of second cousins there, too, but I've blocked out all of my memories of them. Shuuhei's dating a guy named Kensei, and Kensei's sister, Lisa, is Nanao's civil partner. Kon chases anything with boobs, so I don't know who he's with at the moment, and Kaien…"

Ichigo broke off, shaking his head, as they marched through a pair of mildly intimidating wrought iron gates and up a short driveway to a stately house that could have doubled as a mansion. Then he sighed, and raised his hand to knock. Even as he did, he cast one last glance at Shiro. "Kaien is odd. Even in our family. You'll see what I mean. Just…" He took a deep breath. "Before we go in there, I want you to know that I've never committed any form of incest, patricide, fratricide, or homicide. Okay?"

Shiro was left gaping as the door swung open.

"Ichi-nii!" a girlish voicesquealed, and the next instant Ichigo had his arms full of laughing brunette, smiling up at him with wide, adoring eyes. "You're here! Dad didn't tell us you were coming! What a great surprise!"

Ichigo tried not to look like he'd just swallowed a lemon. Whole. "Yeah. A surprise. Great. Thanks, Yuzu. Is that your cooking that I smell?"

Her eyes widened. "Oh! The curry!" She spun and darted off, and Ichigo followed like it was a death sentence. Shiro trailed after him looking like he was wondering if this was really as good of an idea as he had thought it was. Ichigo had no sympathy. He'd warned the bastard—multiple times—that this was a bad idea. But, of course, Shiro had to insist, hard, that he understood exactly what he was getting into, and could handle it.

Ichigo suppressed a groan. No one could handle his family. No one.

The house was the same as he remembered it, spotless thanks to Yuzu's motherly nature and Nanao's anal retentiveness and dictator-like nature, which made Ivan the Terrible, seem lenient and even-handed. Judging by the number of shoes in the entrance, everyone was here already—not that he had expected a reprieve. It had been wishful thinking on his part, that maybe they wouldn't all overwhelm him and Shiro at once. Not that they could be anything but overwhelming, especially when condensed into a small space.

As he rounded the corner into the kitchen, he was brought up short by the sight of his three brothers and Renji—who was like a brother anyway—grouped around the kitchen table, laughing and joking with each other. Something curious twisted in his chest, and he paused, biting his lip.

God, he had missed them.

Then Shuuhei glanced up, and the spell was broken. His eyes widened sharply, and the pen he had been holding fell out of his hand as he half-rose. "Ichigo?" he demanded, disbelief clear in his voice.

Next to him, Renji looked up as well, mouth falling open, and Kon and Kaien twisted around, their faces equally startled. Ichigo managed a weak smile and half-wave.

"Hey," he said, bracing himself. "What's up, guys?"

There was a mad rush to avoid chairs and dodge around the table, and a moment later he found himself with another armful of family—only this one had fists, and no hesitation about using them. He crashed to the floor, four significantly heavier bodies on top of him, and wheezed.

"Otouto!" Shuuhei fought through the press of siblings and dragged him into a headlock. "Where the hell have you been, little brother? You didn't call us! You changed your number! How could you do that to your family?"

Renji pinned his legs, grinning up at him as he struggled. "Don't even think about it, Ichi. You deserve this for making us worry."

"And for making us have to go through your bitch of an agent," Kon added without sympathy, grabbing his left arm as he tried to punch Shuuhei in the kidney. "She wouldn't believe we were family, no matter what we said. Even when we told her all those embarrassing childhood stories about you."

"Gah!" Ichigo struggled to grab one of them with his free arm. No wonder she hadn't been able to look him in the face in months. "Damn bastards, let me go! It's your own fault for kicking me out! What did you expect? And I left my number with Uryuu! If you wanted to call me, you should have asked him about it!"

"Now, now, otouto." Kaien beamed at him, crouching down to give him an evil grin. "We kicked you out for your own good. Every little bird needs to leave the nest at some point. And look where it got you! I'd say you owe us some thanks, right? How about…" He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then his eyes grew heavy-lidded and smoldering. "What would you say to a foursome, otouto? Just us brothers? It would be fun, hmm?"

The other four just stared at him.

Then Shuuhei gagged and whacked him across the back of the head. "That's fucking gross, Kaien! Keep that shit to yourself!" Nevertheless, he let go of Ichigo and righted his chair, then reclaimed his seat. "So, Ichigo, what's the occasion? Why are you coming back now?"

Kicking Renji and Kon off of him, Ichigo steeled himself and stepped back to Shiro's side. The albino, he noted, looked somewhere between thunderstruck, baffled, a little creeped out, and amused—which, considering Kaien's personality, wasn't all that odd. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Guys, this is Shiro. He wanted to meet you before we file for a civil union."

Shiro stiffened, and adead silence fell in the kitchen.

"Civil…union?" Kaien finally choked out. Renji and Shuuhei were equally dumbfounded, while Kon was gaping. Ichigo mentally apologized to Shiro for throwing him to the wolves—though, now that he thought about it, this was still absolutely the bastard's fault—swore to make it up to him later, and nodded.

"Yeah," he affirmed. "It's just like getting married."

A wail filled the house, originating from the top of the stairs, and Ichigo rolled his eyes as the wordless screech devolved into words as the speaker rapidly approached.

"OH, ICHIGO! MY SON HAS RETURNED! COME; BURY YOUR FACE IN DADDY'S BOSOM! I WILL WELCOME YOU WITH—"

Ichigo nudged Shiro forward a step and slammed the kitchen door as his father flew towards him.

The resulting crash shook the house, and Ichigo rolled his eyes as he locked the door. Shiro, he noticed, was finally starting to pass creeped out and head straight into Twilight Zone-territory.

His brothers were still staring at Shiro like he was a wounded gazelle and they were lions that'd been starving for months.

Without sympathy, Ichigo kissed Shiro on the cheek—ignoring the growl that Kaien, Shuuhei, and Renji all gave—and waved to his brothers. "Well, I'll leave you guys to get acquainted, and see who else is around. Love you, Shiro. Later, guys."

Shiro gave him a look that promised retribution, and his brothers grinned hungrily. Even so, Shiro relaxed slightly at those words and returned Ichigo's kiss, rolling his eyes. "Love you, too," he muttered, "but don't think you're gonna get away with this, Ichi."

"Still absolutely your fault, bastard," he countered, not feeling even the smallest shred of pity. "You were the one who wanted to meet my family." With one last wave, he wandered out the other door. Kon followed him to it, closed it behind him, and locked the five of them inside.

He went on his way, whistling. Maybe having a crazy family wasn't all that bad, in the end.

After all, they were a great way to get revenge.