Her name
One-Shot
Rating: M - For slight lime and slight language.
Summary: Years after her death, and still she was the only person that plagued his mind. I was there…I was always there for him…even when he chose to see me as an illusion of his former lover. Even after he called me by her name. InuXKag.
Special thanks: To the wonderful theruthlesscow, for being absolutely amazing and wonderful! Thank you so much for editing this for me!
Her Name
It's been years. Years since Kikyo Hamada, InuYasha Takahashi's former girlfriend since High school, died in a car crash. They had been together for the greater part of high school, and I was InuYasha's best friend. Everyone that knew them thought they would be together forever, even me, for that matter. They even had talk of marriage, at least that's what InuYasha told me after senior prom.
I was jealous. So freaking jealous it hurt…I still remember how happy he was when he told me though…
I, Kagome Higurashi…InuYasha's best friend…loved him more then anything.
"Kagome, come here will you?!" InuYasha growled, crossing his arms over his chest. He was wearing a fitting black suit with a traditional black tie; his hair was still as wild as ever, the silver strands falling to his waist. I glance over at him from where I sat. I had been sitting with our two best friends, Miroku and Sango as well as Sesshomaru's girlfriend, Kagura. She had been dating InuYasha's older half brother for nearly two years, now.
When I looked up, I tilted my head before excusing myself and rushing over.
"Where's Kikyo?" I remember it was hard saying her name, and it still is. Every time I think of her, I think of all the pain I felt back in my high school years…
"I think…I think I'm going to ask Kikyo to marry me after tonight…" He whispered. I almost didn't catch that. I remember my heart pounding so fast in my ears and my eyes growing wide. I could literally feel my heart clenching in my chest as a shiver of pain ran down my spine.
"Y-You what?" I stuttered with shock apparent in my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I was going to lose InuYasha for sure. I shook my head as I looked into his eyes…
He was so in love. He was watching Kikyo from across the room. She was wearing a simple white gown, her hair in a neat bun with a few wisps of hair in front of her face. She was beautiful. I stood watching as his deep gold eyes found her light brown ones, both smiling at each other and I remember feeling my heart break. But still. I held his hands in mine, squeezing them gently, assuring him on his decision.
"You should go for it." I remember him blinking in surprise and smiling at me before engulfing me in his arms, whispering a small thanks and walking over to Kikyo.
That night, in front of the graduating class of 2000, InuYasha Takahashi proposed to Kikyo Hamada. I just remember hearing the word 'yes' before running out of the room and crying as I walked home that night.
It hurt so much. I can't lie. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't forget the scene. It would replay in my head every time I closed my eyes, and even when I opened them, I wasn't safe from the torment. It was painful to see them together.
One year after graduating, and one year of anguish that seemed to be a slow painful death , InuYasha and Kikyo still had yet be wed. They kept saying they wanted to wait a bit longer…not that I was really complaining about it. I decided to move away with my aunt in America for a while, telling everyone I wanted to travel…but really…
I needed to get away. I needed an escape from all of the suffocating pain. I had to get out.
A year away did, however, do me some good. I met some amazing people and made friendships that would last forever. I met a man named Koga. We had a fling for a bit, but it didn't work out because I could never really forget InuYasha. I hear he's dating a very nice girl named Ayame now.
I decided to come back home to Japan after being in America for a year. 2002 seemed to be a good year so far, and InuYasha hadn't been around, so and I thought I might finally get over him. As my luck would have it, when the end of the year came rolling around…I saw InuYasha and Kikyo. It was about time. I knew I couldn't avoid them forever. I moved back with my mom. Sango and Miroku offered me a place to stay, but I didn't want to intrude on their happiness. They were truly amazing together and I was a little envious for what they had.
That year, as October rolled around, Kikyo Hamada was hit by a drunk driver and later died in the ambulance on her way to the hospital. InuYasha was by her side the whole time. It was absolutely horrible. We were all devastated but InuYasha…
I couldn't even imagine the pain he must have been going through. The girl he loved most in the world…was dead. In just one instant, she was gone. She was laughing and walking across the road one minute…and the next… simply gone. How could anyone want to take a life as beautiful as Kikyo's?
InuYasha wasn't the same after that. Months later we still hadn't heard from him. No one could get him to talk. I hadn't seen him for a while. I didn't want him to pine his life away so I was the first to take action.
It was…both the best and worst day of my life.
I knocked on the door for the umpteenth time that night. It was almost eleven at night, but I didn't care. He needed to talk to someone, and if he wasn't going to do it himself. I'd make him talk. I was brought out of my stupor when the door swung open. I looked up to see the man I still loved with all my heart, his silver hair ragged and untamed as always. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and when he looked at me his eyes bore into mine with such intensity I thought I'd break.
"Uh…Hi." I squeaked out quickly as he raised an eyebrow. He must have just woken up from a deep sleep. He moved to the side to let me in. As soon as I heard him close the door, I felt his lips on my neck. I froze, and turned my head slightly in confusion.
"W-What are you doing InuYasha?!" I asked in shock, but I couldn't help the way my body reacted against his. He murmured something I either couldn't hear, or rather didn't care to hear. His arms wrapped around my waist and brought me closer to him, his lips trailing up my neck and kissing my ear gently.
"I-InuYasha…" I moaned and succumbed to his embrace.
That night, as we made love on his living room floor…I heard the one thing I never wanted to in my whole life…
"Kikyo!" I heard him moan loudly before collapsing against my body. As he covered me with his body, both sweating and panting heavily, I couldn't help the tears that ran their way down the side my face. I shut my eyes tightly and wished it was all a nightmare…but it wasn't.
That was a stab right through my heart. I made love with the man I loved…and he called out her name. I didn't know what to do. After that day, we both avoided each other like the plague. I mostly stayed in my room crying my eyes out as I kept remembering everything that happened that night.
Even though…he called her name…I would never take it back. That was the only time I ever thought InuYasha might love me…and for that…I would repeat that night over and over again without a second thought…
And the worst part about it is… I do.
That's right. Everyday, after work, I go to InuYasha's house…and we make love. Well, I call it making love. I'm sure he refers to it as sex. It doesn't matter though. I love him enough to torture myself this way, everyday, forever and always.
"Kagome, get a move on!" Sango yelled from her desk. I look up and smiled as I saw that it was time to go home. I turn off my computer and walk over to her desk. We worked together at her father's firm. It was just small secretary stuff, but it was incredible pay.
"Sorry, spaced out." I apologized sheepishly as we gathered the rest of our belongings. Sango rolled her eyes and laughed as we walked out of the office, waiting for our ride. We stood there, saying bye to our co-workers, looking out for Miroku's car.
"Are you going to his house again?" Sango asked, breaking our comfortable silence. I looked over to her and nodded my head. She asked this everyday. Everyone knew we were sleeping together. They thought we were actually dating, but Sango and Miroku knew the truth.
"Why…do you keep doing this to yourself? It's been three years since Kikyo's death! Kagome…why haven't you let go?" Sango asked me urgently. I couldn't look her in the eye. It wasn't that I was ashamed of my new life, it was that I couldn't stop myself, even if I tried.
"Sango…ever since I met InuYasha, I was in love with him. I held his hand through the rough times and he held mine. We grew up and over came things together. I can't leave him behind and alone now…not ever." I answered, looking out in the distance. Sango sighed in defeat.
"When are you going to see that you'll both do better without each other?" She asked. I didn't answer, because in reality, I would never think that. I saw Miroku's car pull up, and I walked ahead of Sango. The car ride was silent as Miroku dropped me off at InuYasha's, waving bye I went to his door, digging out my key and opening the door I wiped my eyes clear of all tears.
I can't cry now…not right now…
I felt arms around my waist and immediately I leaned into him.
"Hey babe, how was work?" I asked, turning and wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing his lips softly. I felt his lips snag at mine as he tightened his hold on me.
"Same as always, Miroku's a complete idiot." I giggled and kissed him again. Miroku and InuYasha worked together at Sesshomaru's firm. He tightened his grip on my hips and before I knew it, he was unzipping my skirt and slipping it down my legs. I blushed and moaned softly into his mouth. No matter how many years we did this…I could never control the way my body reacted against his.
"How about you, Kik?" I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.
"It was alright…" I whispered as I kissed him again, closing my eyes so that the tears wouldn't fall. That was what I went through everyday. Every time I was with InuYasha…I had to hear him call me by her name. What was even worse? I looked a lot like Kikyo, except I had blue eyes.
I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it down his arms.
"It's our anniversary…" InuYasha whispered, placing small butterfly kisses on my neck. No it wasn't. It was InuYasha and Kikyo's anniversary. Ours was on the eighth. He never remembered though. I don't think he even thought I was Kagome anymore.
"I love you, InuYasha…" I whispered into his ear. He kissed my lips as he lowered me onto the couch.
"I love you too, Kikyo…" Every time he said those words it was like tearing my heart out of my chest for all to see.
I woke up yawning lightly as I looked at InuYasha. He was currently sleeping against my body, his arms around my waist. I smiled and kissed his lips gently before untangling ourselves and grabbing the red silk robe that was bought especially for me. I slipped it on, and then I looked back at the man I couldn't bear to leave and smiled softly. He was sprawled out on the couch, the blanket cover his lower regions as he slept peacefully.
This pain…this pain could last forever, but as long as I saw his smile everyday…I think I could take it. I yawned again as I stepped outside, leaving the door opened slightly. I walked to his backyard, strolling to the far end, taking in the beautiful essence of the spring morning.
This was my favourite place. It had a big tree, with cheery blossoms covering its huge branches. The grass was a lush green and the flowers in the garden were just beginning to bloom. I smiled and took a deep breath as I walked towards the trunk, running my hands over the heart carved into it. Right in the center was a carving that read: "InuYasha + Kikyo = Forever." Yeah I know what you're thinking…that's your favourite place? No, no…if you looked up near the first branch of the tree… also written was "InuYasha + Kagome = Forevr." InuYasha and I had carved that when we were only five, and in fact, the "forever" was spelt wrong. I laughed and shook my head as I ran my finger across the rough contours of the bark.
I couldn't help but feel the tears slide down my cheek. Ours was made so much earlier then Kikyo's…and yet hers was the one in the middle of the tree…hers was in a heart…
I shake my head as I slowly sink to my knees. I started feeling small drops of cold water, and after looking up I could see dark clouds forming in the sky. I didn't care anymore…for this one moment…I would finally allow myself to cry.
I clutched at the carved words as I sank lower and shook my head, the tears coming down as fast as the rain. The bark was hurting my skin as I beat at the trunk relentlessly.
"I love you…so much…as myself! I'm Kagome God Damnit! I was the one who was by your side…I was the one…I was the one that loved you first! When will you see that InuYasha?! When?!" I screamed to the heavens, the crashing thunder drowning out the sobs that ripped through my throat. I fell to the ground, holding my arms as the rain drenched my body.
"I…I love you InuYasha…when are you going to see that…?" I asked silently before I placed my forehead to the tree trunk and cried for all I was worth. That day, as the rain fell, I let myself free of every pain and anguish I had kept in my heart for so long.
I walked into the house; InuYasha was sitting on the couch, his arms crossed over his chest, and he was wearing jeans now.
"Oh…hey…" I smiled brightly for him. The rain washed away my tears, there was almost no difference. He got up from the couch and walked over wrapping his arms around me; I could feel the warmth radiating off of him and slowly seeping into my cold, wet body.
"I was beginning to worry Kik…You're all wet…" He whispered into my ear, brushing away my damp hair. I nodded my head gently as I wrapped my arms around his waist, closing my eyes to stop any signs of tears. I didn't need to cry anymore…not right now at least.
"You should take a shower, Kik…" He whispered. I nodded my head again. Intertwining our hands together.
"Care to join?" I asked, smiling up at him before kissing him softly.
"Kagome-chan!" Sango sang in a high pitched voice. I looked from over my table and tilted my head; glaring slightly. Sango gave her a bright smile in return.
"What do you want?" I growled; eyeing her suspiciously. Sango faked hurt with a pout, placing her hand over her heart.
"Why would you think I wanted something Kagome-chan!" Sango pouted. I rolled my eyes, resting my elbows on my desk and my chin on my hands.
"Whenever you call me 'Kagome-Chan' you want something." I said bluntly. Sango scratched the back of her head sheepishly.
"Ok so maybe I do…" I laughed and shook my head as I yawned.
"So…what do you want, Sango-Chan?" I mocked her. Sango glared lightly before sticking her tongue out at me. I rolled my eyes again.
"Kagome, you shouldn't jump to assumptions…and want to go shopping with me?" Sango whispered the later sentence hoping I wouldn't hear. I did. I shook my head.
"No, no, no!" I said, shaking my head and going back to my work. I had nearly spent all of my pay check when I went shopping last time. And I knew, going shopping with Sango of all people, would leave me broke in ten seconds flat. I could practically hear her pout when I flat out refused.
"Please? I promise not to go shopping crazy!" Sango begged. I shook my head again, favouring to ignore her. It was hard. Sango badgered me for the rest of the day. Even when Miroku drove me to InuYasha's place she hadn't showed any signs of giving in. I rolled my eyes as I waved her off. Walking to the door I was about to put the key in when the door opened. I blinked and saw InuYasha, scowling at me.
"Hun, what's wrong…?" I asked as I stepped inside. I closed the door behind me, putting my coat and shoes away. He shrugged his shoulders before wrapping his arms around me and looking away. I blinked in utter confusion as I wrapped my arms around his waist, pushing him to walk and sit on the couch. I straddled his waist, looking into his eyes.
"What's wrong? Yasha, please talk to me?" I begged. I hated seeing him in such a bad mood. He blinked and looked at me in surprised. I tilted my head even more before I silently cursed myself.
'Only Kagome calls him Yasha. Kikyo never called him anything other then InuYasha...crap.' Hoping I could play it off, I just kissed his lips. I felt his hands hold my hips and run up and down my thighs. I gasped softly into his mouth as he gave me his cocky smirk before kissing my neck.
"Ok, FINE! Just stop begging!" I yelled into the phone. Sango had called me at three in the morning to get me to go shopping. I rolled my eyes as I heard her squeal before hanging up on her, throwing the phone onto a pile of my clothes which were in the corner of the room. I heard a rustle of blankets and looked to see InuYasha, wide awake, looking at me.
"Oh hey babe, did I wake you?" I asked apologetically, stroking his cheek with my hand. He shook his head, looking intently into my eyes. He looked like he was torn between something. I tilted my head in confusion before he shook his head, dispelling whatever thought he had and kissed my lips, snuggling back into the bed he wrapped his arms tighter around me.
He'd been acting strange lately. What was going on? What was he thinking? I shook my head and looked up to the ceiling. In two weeks…it'd be exactly three years of this tortured. What was I going to do? Could I see myself doing this forever?
I looked to see InuYasha's closed eyes, his even breathing and his closed mouth. I leaned in and placed a kiss on his lips. He sighed and smiled a bit.
Yes. I could. And I would.
"Kagome, would you hurry it up?" Sango scolded me for the eighth time that night; she was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a white tank top.
I sighed and nodded my head, straightening out my jeans skirt. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiling at my appearance. I was currently wearing a blue jeans skirt and a black baby T-shirt.
"Are you thinking about you know who?" Sango asked as we walked out of her house and over to the car. I looked at Sango and shrugged my shoulders, brushing my hair out of my face.
"Maybe…" I whispered. Sango sighed in frustration. Shouldn't she be used to this now? She looked over at me.
"You can't keep doing this God Damnit. Kagome, you have loved InuYasha for a great part of your life; he has been in love with Kikyo for a great part of his life. Can't you see how useless it is to be with him? You only end up hurting yourself! We can't stand by and watch this any longer! You may not realize it, but I'm hurting too! I can't let you do this to yourself anymore! Think of me and Miroku!" Sango said roughly. I looked at her in shock. Sure, she's always been mad I would sleep with InuYasha.
But I never realized that I wasn't the only one hurting here. For her to see her best friend wasting her life away. What would it feel like? What must she think? I instantly hugged her tightly. Sango was pushed back before returning my hug with just as much force.
"You are my best friend; you might as well be my sister…I just don't want to see you hurt anymore, Kagome." I laughed and wiped my eyes free from tears as I hugged Sango tighter. Maybe…it was time I moved on. Maybe it was time I left InuYasha for good.
"Come on, let's just go and forget about boys." She nudged me. I laughed and nodded my head as we headed to the mall.
That day, as I hung out with my best friend, and blew away half of my hard earned pay check on random clothing that I would probably never wear, and I was able to forget about InuYasha, even if it was only for a few hours. I was able to laugh and I was able to forget about my unfortunate situation. For that, I could only thank Sango.
And for her as well as myself…I would finally move on.
---Two weeks later---
"Yasha,
Yeah, that's right. Yasha. You know why I called you that? Because I'm Kagome. Kagome Higurashi. I'm your best friend. I'm not Kikyo and it was about time that we both saw that. If you're reading this note then it means I'm probably half way to America by now.
I'm going back for a while; I don't know when I'll be back. I'm staying with my Aunt; I need to think things through. I know, you're probably really pissed, right?
I'm sorry I didn't do this in person, but I knew I couldn't. If you had just said 'Stay', I probably would have. I just can't anymore. We can't keep doing this to ourselves, Yasha. This was hurting not only us, but the people that care about us. I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did…But Yasha, I want you to know,
I'll always love you.
Signed: Kagome Higurashi."
InuYasha looked at the note in his hands. He looked over the words "I'll always love you." For that day, and that day alone, he allowed himself to cry.
Just as he was starting to realize that he honestly loved Kagome, she decided to leave. He was fighting himself for the longest time…and he had fought too long and so damn hard…and now, she left him. At first, he was mad because he thought he was betraying the memory of Kikyo, but then he realized he couldn't stop his heart from loving Kagome. What was wrong with the world? Why wouldn't it allow him to be happy? Why would no one stay with him? The questions plagued his mind relentlessly.
As he sunk to the floor against the wall, he crumpled the note within his hands, and he cried. He was hurting. He was broken. He was dying…but he knew when Kagome came back. He'd be ready to tell her himself. He'd be ready with open arms to finally tell her…
"I love you too…Kagome."
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A/N: Holy crap! This took me forever to finish! I was debating on how I wanted to end it, and I came up with this. This was actually supposed to end WAY later, but as I finished writing those words I thought that was a good place for it to end. Now, I'm not going to lie to you guys, this is probably one of the weakest stories I have ever written (including my early works: White Rose, Brothers Forever and what not...holy crap did I suck when I first started out!) but I spent so much time on it I felt bad for just leaving it to rot in my documents.
I've already started a sequel entitled: "My name" which will be about two or three years after this one! I hope you guys enjoyed, see you all next time!
Take Care,
Vixen.