AN : This fic is un-beta'd. All mistakes are mine.
Dean was awake. He didn't know for how long he had been. He didn't know what he had been doing before that. He didn't know where he was. He couldn't feel his body.
Weird.
He didn't know what was going on. Everything felt fuzzy, and he had a hard time remembering even what his name was. Something was wrong, he knew that. He knew waking up wasn't supposed to feel like this, he knew he was supposed to do something, but he couldn't remember what it was. Why was everything so difficult? Even thinking seemed hard. It was like his thoughts had been all mixed up, coming to him in a rush, and his brain wasn't fast enough to grab them and try and comprehend them.
He had to find a way to clear his mind somehow.
He tried to focus and think about nothing. It worked for five seconds, and then the thoughts rushed in again. He was too tired for this. Too tired…
He felt himself coming to consciousness again. He must have dozed off then. Everything was still a big bunch of nothing around him, but this time he could feel that he was lying down, on a proper, comfortable bed even. Maybe he was back at some motel after a difficult hunt? Not knowing where he was or why was scaring him, not that he would admit that out loud. If he could just have a look around, if he could just see…
His eyes were closed, he realized. So weird that he wouldn't notice until now... He sure must have been sporting the mother of all hangovers then. Or maybe something really, really bad had happened? Too exhausted to even try to open his eyes, he chose to listen instead. He heard faint voices that seemed to come from far away, behind a wall. In another room maybe? But they were not loud enough for him to understand. It wasn't helpful. Some other noise was here, in the background, in the very room he was in, how come he didn't hear it before now? The soft beeping sound was coming from his right. It sounded oddly familiar… A sound like the ones the machines on Dr. Sexy MD made.
He took a deep breath.
Yep, definitely smelled like a hospital.
What was he doing in a hospital? He didn't remember anything and it was getting frustrating. He felt a pang of anger swelling up in his chest. Why was his brain not working properly? It kind of reminded him of how he had felt the first and only time he tried to smoke pot. The same feeling of being light and heavy at the same, the slight dizziness, but ten times stronger. What did they give him that would make him feel that way? He didn't remember morphine having that effect on him. Or maybe this time they had to give him a higher dose…
The breath he just took made his chest and throat hurt, and he suddenly became aware of something stuck in his mouth, going all the way to his lungs, or so it seemed.
He started panicking and his eyes opened suddenly. The light coming from the window on his right seemed to burn his retina and he closed them right away.
He couldn't breathe, his head was pounding and the machine started beeping faster and louder.
Was he dying? He didn't want to die, not like this. This wasn't supposed to happen that way. He was supposed to die on a hunt, maybe eaten by a wendigo, or stabbed by a demon or something. Hunters didn't die in hospitals. They weren't supposed to know what was happening to them. Dean didn't want to die like this, lying on a bed, not knowing why, barely able to open his eyes to see death coming…
Somehow he still managed to hear the hurried footsteps of someone running to him. A gentle hand landed on his shoulder, making him jump.
"Sir, it's okay." A woman said to him. "We had to help you breathe but you need to calm down if you want us to remove the tube."
Her hand stroked his shoulder lightly, all the way down his arm to his own hand. How would she know if everything was okay? How dared she be so calm? He tried to take a breath, and it worked the first time, but the panic came back and he started coughing.
"Come on, open your eyes, it'll help." She said.
How could she be that calm? He was choking, barely able to think now. He tried to sit up, but her hand on his shoulder kept him on his back. Why was she doing this? If he could just sit, he was sure he would be able to take at least one big breath. He was sure of it. He tried again but he felt too weak to push her away.
"Do you hear me, sir? Open your eyes…"
He felt anger again. He wanted to show her it wouldn't work. He had to show her she needed to let him sit. So he indulged her. He opened his eyes, slowly. She was blocking the light coming from the window, so this time it didn't hurt. She just looked like one big blurry shadow to him, but he figured she could see him perfectly well, so he tried to speak to her with a look. Help me. I can't breathe. I don't know what's happening but it's not normal. Help me. Do something!
"Okay, now breathe in…"
He frowned. She didn't understand.
"Just breathe in, sir. Trust me."
What the hell, lady? He wanted to say. He couldn't breathe, didn't she understand? He was dying and she was talking to him so calmly…
He took a deep breathe through his nose.
"Good, now let it out."
He did. And then breathed in again. And out. In, and out, and in, and out. It took him a few minutes but he finally managed to calm down. His vision was getting better too. The nurse (she was wearing what he identified as nurse's work clothes) kept stroking his arm.
Well, what do you know? Turned out she was right after all…
"Okay, I think we're ready to take the tube out. What do you think?"
Dean hesitated for half a second then nodded. Might as well get the bad stuff out of the way as soon as possible. She unplugged the part that was hooked up to the machine.
"I want you to cough while I take it out. It's going to be painful, and you may feel like you're choking but it's completely normal, alright?"
Dean nodded again and rolled his eyes at her. Get on with it already!
"Here we go!"
As she predicted, it was difficult, but in the end he felt much better once everything that didn't belong in his body was removed. The doctor had come and explained to Dean what had happened, and by doing so helped Dean remember it too. The car accident part was true, although it wasn't because the truck driver that hit his Baby had fallen asleep but because he had been possessed by a really tenacious demon at the time, said demon being a stubborn son of a bitch who, for no apparent reason, really wanted to get Dean's heart out of his body. And then maybe feast on it. Dean hadn't asked any question after the 'I'm gonna rip your heart out' part. He had just had the time to exorcise the fucker before fainting in the middle of the road. Luckily for him, the driver woke up, unharmed, with no idea of how he ended up here, and he had called for an ambulance.
Now Dean was lying in another bed, barely able to keep his eyes open after all the tests they put him through today. His roommate, a chubby little old lady named Rhonda, was deeply asleep already. He wished he could have had a single room, but the hospital was full these days, the doctor had said to him.
He sighed, and it woke the pain in his chest. He had a few broken ribs, a collapsed lung ("It's not as bad as it sounds and it's been taken care of, but you need to stay in bed for at least a week, just to be sure!" the nice lady nurse had said.) and a twisted ankle. Nothing too serious, but when you fall into a three days coma, people are bound to get upset about it, especially if they're doctors. So Dean had to stay here, for a yet unknown number of weeks. He didn't mind right now, mostly because every move he tried to make made his whole body hurt like hell, but he knew that after a couple of days he was going to get restless. Just thinking about what they could have done to his Baby was starting to make him feel twitchy already.
He settled against the mountain of pillows behind his back and looked through the window. The night was beautiful. The sky was clear, stars were shining bright. It didn't look like it was too cold. He wished he was allowed outside.
He sighed again.
"Is something wrong?" He heard coming from his left.
Surprised, he turned his head so suddenly it made him feel dizzy for a few seconds. The guy standing beside his bed was a nurse, apparently. He was reading Dean's chart, a little playful smile on his face. It was bit dark (Rhonda explained that she wanted the lights out after 8pm, and she was kinda cute, in her own way, so he indulged her), so Dean couldn't see his eyes. He couldn't see a lot else, to be honest.
"Wh… No… I just…"
The nurse looked up and smile. Not kindly, like the woman who helped him earlier today. He totally looked like he was laughing at Dean.
"Relax, I'm just doing my job."
He gave a quick look at the monitor on the side of the bed, wrote something down and put the chart back where it belonged.
"The name's Gabriel." He said, still smiling. "I'm your nurse for the night, and probably every night to come in the next month, at least. If you need something, press that button…" He showed Dean which button he was talking about, "and I'll come running. Well, I probably won't run, but I'll come. Is everything okay?"
Dean nodded. The guy was talking so fast Dean didn't even have time to think.
"Okay then!" Gabriel just said.
And he left as quickly as he came in.
Strange, Dean thought. But he figured that when you worked night shifts, you had to get a little bit crazy after a while. And the guy seemed fun, even if a little rude. Or honest. Yes, honest fitted better than rude.
He was really tired but he didn't felt like sleeping yet, so he turned on the TV and tried to find something nice to watch.
He fell asleep in front of a re-run of Dr. Sexy MD.
The next day was as boring as he expected it to be. Rhonda was fun, in a way, but she talked too much, always rambling about the retirement home she lived in, how the orderlies were stealing things from the residents, who she saw for a fact kissing in the supply closet one day, who wanted to get some action with whom, who did manage to get into whose pants, and really, who would have thought old people were that horny? Dean just nodded at what he thought were appropriate moments in her story, and he was more than happy to be interrupted by the doctor coming to check on him in the afternoon.
He still had to endure hours of gossips from Rhonda after that though, and he was barely able to hold the sigh of relief that wanted to escape his lips when she told him it was time for her to go to bed.
Five minutes after she turned off the lights, he could hear her snore softly. He managed to grab the remote control without pulling a muscle and turned on the TV, making sure the sound was low enough that it wouldn't wake his roommate, but still loud enough for him to hear.
He was idly going through the channels when the nurse from the night before came in.
"Hello there!" He said, cheerful.
"Hi." Dean said absent-mindedly, his eyes glued on the TV. Those Kardashian girls were pretty hot, come to think of it…
"I see you're trying to add brain injury to the list…" The nurse – What was his name? Gabriel, was that it? – Gabriel said as he came to Dean's side to check on the monitors.
Dean sighed but didn't answer. Maybe that way he would understand. I'm busy, just do your thing and leave. But it wasn't what Gabriel had in mind, apparently, because he grabbed the chair next to Dean's bed and sat heavily on it, a self-satisfied smile on his lips.
Dean eyed him, making sure to show he wasn't happy.
"It's break time." Gabriel simply said, crossing him arms on his chest. "Let's talk."
"Don't you have better things to do? Can't you take your break outside?"
If he was going to be like that every night, Dean wasn't going to stand it for long. Maybe he could ask for someone else… How did these things worked? He made a mental note to ask one of the other nurses in the morning…
"Nope. Here is fine. So now tell me about yourself, Dean. Can I call you Dean? 'M. Winchester' is a bit much, don't you think?"
What? Who did he think he was?
Dean nodded. Yeah, fine, whatever. And apparently Gabriel wasn't leaving him any choice. Maybe if he played along, he would go away after a few minutes.
"Had a car accident. Woke up here. There's not much to say."
He looked up at the TV again, hoping the nurse would take a clue and leave.
"Oh, yeah I know" Gabriel answered, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and hands under his chin. "I saw pictures of your car, man, you're lucky you're still here in one piece!"
Dean startled at that. How could he ever forget about his Baby?
"Is the car okay?" He asked, fearing the worst.
"Uh… Not really… But the guy from the salvage yard said he knew your dad. He took it to his place in case you wanted to try and repair it. Said it was a shame to throw away a beauty like that."
Dean felt relief wash over him. Yes, good. He only hoped the guy wasn't too nosey and wouldn't try to take a look inside the trunk…
"What was his name?"
"I don't remember… Do you want me to check?"
Dean only nodded. If the guy knew his dad…
"Okay." Gabriel said, not moving one bit. He turned to look at the TV.
Wasn't he going to leave? Dean waited a few seconds.
"Hm… Aren't you going to check… now?"
"Nope"
He blinked at Gabriel. The guy was definitely weird.
"When is you break going to end?" He asked, not doing anything to hide the impatience in his voice.
Gabriel looked at him, the mocking smile back on his face.
"When I want it to. As long as nobody knows I'm slacking here, I don't have to move."
He looked at the TV again. Dean was feeling more than annoyed by now.
"Don't you have people to attend to?"
"Nope." Gabriel said cheerfully as he picked the remote from Dean's hand. "You have all my attention for the night."
He winked at Dean. Not knowing what to do, Dean tried to focus on what was on TV. But it was hard with Gabriel changing channels every five seconds. They spent a couple of minutes in silence, Gabriel trying to find a suitable channel, and Dean trying to pretend the nurse wasn't here.
"There's never anything good on there…" Gabriel finally muttered, putting his feet on the bed and leaning back in his chair. He eyed Dean from head to toe, a thoughtful look on his face. "Entertain me!" He ordered.
Dean sighed. This guy was impossible. He really hoped he wouldn't do that every night. For now he decided to indulge him. Mainly because he was bored too.
"How?" He asked without conviction.
"I don't know. Talk, tell me something."
"Something like what?"
It was Gabriel turn to sigh impatiently.
"Tell me about… about the pets you had when you were little, or your parents, or your car even. I don't care as long as you make it interesting!"
"There's nothing to say…"
Gabriel pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket and started opening it. "There's always something to say. I'm sure you're not as boring as you're trying to appear, Dean-o."
Dean didn't answer. What did he want him to say? He couldn't tell him about his life, the guy was a civilian, so he couldn't take the risk. He felt too tired still to try and make something up. He was scared that with what had happened to him, he would end up forgetting some details and mixing things up, giving himself away in the process.
He didn't want to talk, was it that hard to understand? He turned to face the TV again, but he wasn't watching anymore.
"You don't have a lot of friends, do you?" Gabriel said, waving his chocolate bar at him and then taking a bite. It was said so casually, though. Like he wasn't judging, just merely stating a fact.
"Yeah, well, people can't handle my charming self!" He answered with a forced smile, trying to sound cocky. But it just left him with a bitter taste in mouth. The joke wasn't working this time. Maybe because Gabriel didn't laugh in return. Or maybe because what he said rang far too true to make him smile about it, even a little.
"Okay then, we'll play a game." Gabriel said, his mouth full of chocolate.
Dean corked an eyebrow at him. Gabriel finished chewing before he went on. "I ask a question, if you answer truthfully you can ask me anything you want and I'll answer too. What do you think?"
"I think your game sounds lame…" He muttered. Gabriel just chewed on his bar while waiting for something. God knew what. Dean stared at him. He stared back. "But fine, whatever. Let's play your stupid game…" Dean added after a while. And maybe you'll leave me alone, finally! He thought to himself.
A happy smile appeared on Gabriel's face and he sat up, crossing his legs under him.
"Right, I'll start then!" He beamed.
Dean rolled his eyes.
"Okay then… Where are you from?"
"Not very original… I'm from Lawrence, Texas."
"Texas? Nice. Your turn."
Dean didn't know what to ask. He honestly didn't want to know anything about the guy. He sighed, trying to think of something. He was starting to get tired.
"Hm… I don't know… Where are you from?"
Gabriel laughed. "And I'm not original… Okay, you want the short or the long version?"
"Short. Please… Short."
He laughed again. "Alright. Then I'm from England."
"England?" Dean asked, surprised. "You don't have the accent."
"Nah, didn't stay very long. You could say I barely had the time to get on my feet and then I had to move here."
Dean raised an eyebrow but didn't comment on that. "So you don't remember anything from that time, uh?"
Gabriel took another mouthful of his chocolate bar. "Uh-uh, Dean-o, my turn now!"
Dean felt a small smile growing on his face at the sight of the nurse, his mouth full of chocolate, but he quickly repressed it. "Okay… Shoot".
"What was the name of your first pet?"
"I never had any pets."
The smile came back on Dean's face when he saw the look of pure outrage mixed with horror that appeared on Gabriel's face. He wasn't even sure if it was forced for emphasis or not. "You never had any- My god. Never?"
Dean shook his head 'no'. "We travelled a lot. We didn't have time or space for a pet. I don't know, it's not that big a deal."
Gabriel looked suddenly more interested. "We?"
"It's my turn to ask a question, right?"
"Oooh come on, answer that one and I promise you can ask two after that!"
"You're cheating, dude…"
"It's my game; I do what I want with it!"
Dean huffed a little laugh. "Okay, whatever. 'We', as in my dad and my brother."
"Oh, you have a brother? That's pretty cool."
"Yeah. You have any siblings?"
Gabriel sat back, finally done with his snack. He tossed the empty wrapping on the little table next to Dean's bed. "Oh, yeah. Lots. Haven't seen them in a while though."
"Why?"
He thought he saw Gabriel's face fall for a moment, but he couldn't be sure. It was here for half a second, as if Gabriel had been remembering something dark and forgot himself, but when Dean tried to look for further signs that would indicate he had asked the wrong question it was already gone, and the nurse was as smiley as ever.
"Well, you know… Things happened. I got busy."
He fell silent, and stared at the TV again. Dean was about to offer some words of comfort, to try and make things less awkward, when Gabriel's beeper suddenly went on.
"Well, I guess that's the end of my break then." He said casually as he stood up.
The awkwardness was gone all of a sudden. He smiled at Dean. A nice smile this time.
"It was nice to chat with you. Later, Dean!" He winked at Dean again and got out of the room.
Dean felt bad for a moment, but he tried to focus on the TV again, and get the uneasy feeling out of the way. Eventually, it worked, and he fell asleep with the TV on.
He didn't saw Gabriel for two days after that. Not that he thought about him that much, he didn't have time anyway. Rhonda was making sure he had nothing to think about except her friends and their mating cycles – seriously, he was starting to get scared for his old days, if he ever got that old, he hoped he was never going to become one of them. Maybe it was just something they gave them in that particular home?
On the second day, he already knew every one of Rhonda's favorite boyfriends by heart, and he really didn't think he could take another day of this. He needed a break, anything… But he wasn't allowed to go outside. Hell, he wasn't even allowed to go pee on his own. At first they had tried to make him pee in the weird little bean shaped boxes but they quickly gave up when they realized he'd rather pee himself than empty his bladder like this. So they had settled an arrangement. Dean was allowed to go to a proper toilet, only if he waited for a nurse and let her or him carry him there. And then hold him up while he peed (Because there was no way he was going to sit down to pee). He didn't thought things could get more awkward than this. Especially when the nurse helping him was Jody, the nice nurse from the first day.
So when Rhonda started talking again after they had their midday meal, he tried as gently as possible to ask that they do something else. He didn't dare ask her to leave or go do some other stuff somewhere else for now. After all, she had been really nice and there was no reason for Dean to be rude with her. To his surprise, she cheerfully accepted and had promptly asked a nurse for a board game.
They had spent the entire afternoon playing Scrabble and for once Dean had had a bit more fun than he was ready to admit. They used to play the game with Sammy when they were little and their dad was far away, usually at times when Sammy got restless and started asking questions about what their dad was doing. The game kept his mind occupied for a time, and it often taught Dean a lot of new words. He didn't know how or where Sammy got his extended vocabulary, but he had always been the one who taught Dean those kinds of things. Dean smiled at the memories, and tried to keep himself in a happy mood. Thinking about Sam often made his heart ache. He hadn't seen the kid in a long, long while. Not since he had gone for Stanford…
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. At least Sam was happy and doing what he liked, that was what he tried to tell himself every time. He couldn't blame him for wanting out of the hunting business. Hell, even Dean hated it most of the time. He didn't know why he went on with it. The only thing that had kept him going these last few months was that his dad was missing. He didn't know if it was one of these typical 'John Winchester move' or if something really had happened. Usually his dad left messages, even if it was days or weeks after he disappeared. But this time it had been months, and not a word. Worse, he had left his journal behind. He had never done that before. That was what had kept Dean anxious at first. But then, he had started to discover clues that his dad had left. It was weird. It didn't look like him. So he had decided to go on a wild search, going on hunts from time to time if he found himself in the path of one. But no trace of John Winchester. Nothing.
Maybe he should have gone to Sam for help… But then again, who was he to ask the kid to abandon his life and come back to that shitty excuse of a life with him, uh? He couldn't do that. One time, he had almost done it. He had driven all day and part of the night to get to Sammy's. When he got there, Sam wasn't here. But there was a girl. A really cute, really nice looking girl. When Dean had seen her it made him change his mind. If Sam had found someone… Dean couldn't do that to him. She looked so much like their mom… So he had driven away and had never come back since. Now he knew he needed to stop thinking about Sam. That life was over. Sam was better off that way.
Well, now he was feeling shitty. He stared at the TV, arms crossed on his chest and an angry look on his face. He really had to stop thinking about Sam. He always ended up feeling like crap after it. He felt so angry at himself all of a sudden. He didn't even pay attention to what he was looking at.
A quick look on his left told him that Rhonda was fast asleep. Good. He was going to be able to brood in peace.
Or maybe not.
The door opened and Gabriel practically ran in, closing the door behind him and leaning against it as if he had been chased after by something nasty and wanted to keep it out.
"Hey there!" He whispered.
Dean raised an eyebrow at him.
"Hi."
He heard something running past his room. The sound of hurried footsteps died away as quickly as they appeared. Gabriel opened the door after a few seconds, looked around the corridor and, apparently satisfied that nobody would find him here, closed the door again and came to sit on the chair next to Dean's bed.
"What are you doing?" Dean asked, deadpanned.
"Running away from my responsibilities!" Gabriel answered cheerfully as he got a little pack of gummy bears out of his pockets. "You look like shit." He added, looking at Dean.
He popped a mini gummy bear into his mouth.
"Thanks." Dean just said. He wasn't in the mood to talk. Why did the nurse always choose the days he felt awful to come and have talks? This probably was a punishment from some kind of Higher Authority. Or maybe Lower Authority, it would make more sense, considering Dean's line of work. Yes, Gabriel was probably sent by Satan to make him feel even shittier, if it was possible. It was the only explanation. Nobody was that annoying all the time.
"What do you want?" He added when he saw that Gabriel wasn't even pretending to watch TV this time.
Gabriel smiled. "We didn't finish the game!"
Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we did. When you left, it was over."
"nuh-uh. It was my turn." He popped another gummy bear in his mouth. "Want one?"
Dean shook his head 'no'. "Okay then, ask your question… You're not gonna leave me alone anyway, are you?"
Gabriel's smile broadened. "See, we're getting to know each other!"
When he saw that Dean wasn't answering, or not even looking at him for that matter (TVs were convenient for that sort of things), he leaned forward, his stupid smile still in place.
"What are you brooding about?"
Dean sighed in annoyance. "Aren't we supposed to play your game?"
"It is the game. That's my question. What are you brooding about, Dean?"
Dean eyed him for a few seconds. Gabriel stayed where he was, waiting. Dean didn't want to talk about it. He had no reason to trust the nurse with that kind of personal information anyway. And he was pretty sure Gabriel didn't care. He just wanted to be annoying, probably.
"I was thinking about my brother." He said, without even knowing why he had.
"You miss him."
"Yeah. But I don't wanna talk about it, okay?" He added, angrier than he intended.
Gabriel leaned back in his chair. "Okay."
He didn't seem mad that Dean had just almost-yelled at him. When he realized he had, Dean checked on Rhonda, afraid that he had maybe woken her. But she was still sleeping soundly.
"Your turn." Gabriel said in that weird, calm voice he suddenly took after Dean's outburst.
He looked… Peaceful. Dean relaxed a little.
"Why are you bothering me?" He put the emphasis on the 'me'. Why me. He didn't need this. He just needed to be left alone.
"Is that your question?"
"Yeah"
"Okay."
He looked thoughtful for a second, as if he didn't know if he should answer truthfully or not. He smiled again. "Because I think you're the one who needs it the most in here."
Dean had trouble understanding what he meant by that.
"I don't understand." He said.
"You're lonely, Dean. You radiate loneliness. I'm not even sure you're aware of how lonely you really feel. So I'm helping."
Dean frowned.
"I don't want your pity!"
"It's not pity. It's just what I do. I help people. Right now, you're the one who needs me most. So I'm here. I won't leave you, Dean."
Dean stared at him for a few seconds, and then released the breath he didn't realized he had been holding.
"Yeah, well, I'm sorry you found me. You won't help much, even if you try really hard."
Gabriel just smiled cheerfully at that. "My turn."
Dean felt a small smile tugging at his lips despite himself. He looked down at his hands. "Okay, go ahead."
"Why don't you just go and visit your brother if you miss him that much?"
Dean had to think a little bit before he answered that one.
"Well… I can't right now… I… I don't have time. And even if I could I wouldn't. He has a good life, he doesn't need me."
Gabriel looked surprised. "He's your brother. Of course he needs you."
Dean looked up, feeling uneasy. "No, he doesn't… It's complicated. But he's better off without us. Without me."
"Us? You mean your dad and you."
Dean nodded.
"My dad is missing anyway so I don't think he'll bother him anymore…"
And why did he need to say that? He never opened up to someone like this before. He had to cut the conversation short, or else he didn't know what he was capable of saying without wanting to.
"But you asked a lot of questions, now I think it's my turn."
Gabriel smiled again. "Alright."
He looked at Dean with the same playful expression he had when he first came in the room. Dean liked that look on him. He still couldn't have a better look at the nurse, because It was always so dark in here at night, but he was starting to get familiar with Gabriel's expressions. It felt like he was so open, so honest… He never felt like that with anyone before. Maybe that was why he opened up so easily. Because Gabriel was honest in everything he did or thought or said. Or maybe it was just a special skill that medical people had. Knowing what to show to get the info they needed… Dean liked to think it was the former, mostly because of Gabriel's eyes. Eyes didn't lie. That was one think he had learned as a hunter. If you wanted to know the truth, you had to look into people's eyes. In the dim light of the room, Gabriel's eyes almost looked like they were the color of melted gold. He didn't know how they really looked like, but Dean never saw any trace of disdain or hate or judgment in those eyes. He liked that about Gabriel.
So, yeah, he wanted to talk, then Dean would talk. It wasn't that hard, really. They could find something to talk about that wouldn't involve too personal stuff. Dean could get used to the idea of having someone to talk to at night. He was very well aware that it was in those times that he felt the worst, because he had time to think.
"You said you haven't seen your family in a while."
"Yep."
"Why?"
Gabriel's smile turned sad. He seemed to think about what to say. Nice one Dean. He mentally slapped himself for having asked. But maybe he just wasn't good with light topics.
"Hm… Like you said for yourself… It's complicated. But in short : I ran away."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Why d'you look so surprised?" He grabbed a handful of gummy bears and put them all in his mouth. Sugar seemed to make him very happy.
"I don't know." Dean said as he watched him pop another gummy bear amongst all the other gummy bears already in his mouth. "You don't look like the kind of guy who would run away…"
Gabriel swallowed his mouthful – not without difficulty – before he answered with a laugh. "Didn't your mom tell you it's no good to judge strangers over the way they look?"
Dean just snorted at him and stole a gummy bear from Gabriel's hand. "Well, sorry, but see you're here, wasting your time with me so it rather looks like you're the kind of guy who would rather try to patch things up, you know…"
"Ah, yeah, but things at home were way past the 'patching up' phase."
He chuckled lightly but his eyes were unfocused, as if he was recollecting something and couldn't get away from it. There was a hint of sadness there, and it made Dean feel silly for insisting.
"Sorry." Dean said. He didn't know what else to say.
Gabriel just smiled at him. "Don't be, what's done is done."
"Yeah…"
There was a minute of silence that Dean didn't know how to fill.
"So, my turn!" Gabriel said, as cheerful as ever. "Will you watch the Jersey Shore with me?"
"What?"
Gabriel snatched the remote from Dean's lap. "Yeah, I love that show! Can I watch it here? It's almost time for the re-run, I don't want to miss that episode."
Dean snorted, then settled back against his pillow.
"Yeah, sure."
And he didn't regret saying yes to this. Because, yes, this show was dumb as fuck but it gave him the opportunity to hear Gabriel laugh and give sassy pieces of advice to the TV. And it was great. For the first time in a long while he felt happy. Genuinely happy. It made him think of Sam again, but this time he didn't resent the thoughts. He kept them here, on the side, and they made him feel warm and good.
And it was all thanks to Gabriel.
From that night on, every night that followed Gabriel came to spend a few hours with Dean. First they talked, then they played Gabriel's game but they kept it at silly questions about their favorite color or baseball player or everything they could think about involving each other's taste, and then they watched some TV. Sometimes they talked about Sammy, and really, it wasn't sad anymore. And by the end of the second week the weirdest thing happened.
Gabriel started to grow on Dean. Dean started to wait for him every night, from the first snore he heard coming from Rhonda, flipping through channels without actually looking at the TV because he couldn't wait for Gabe to finally take his break and come in.
Dean's favorite times were the ones where Gabriel would just climb on the bed with him. He started doing it one day, and Dean felt weird at first. But then he did it every time and it just became comforting. Dean liked to feel Gabe's weight beside him. And, well, if their hands brushed from time to time, he didn't say anything about it, because it made his arm tingle pleasantly and, really, there was nothing wrong about that.
Today it was worst. It was Sunday night so there was absolutely nothing to watch on TV. Well, less than usual. Dean had the tube going through his chest removed in the afternoon and he could finally go pee without people having to help him do it. The whole thing had been quick but a bit painful. He couldn't wait to tell Gabe he would be able to go have a look around in a few days. The doctors didn't want him to go out yet. They wanted to be sure everything was okay, whatever the hell that meant. Dean felt okay. He was more than okay.
So, yeah, basically, he was super bored. And Gabe was late.
He wondered what could be taking him so long. And then he realized he had a big problem because, hello! He was waiting for his nurse to watch some crappy TV show and he was all excited about it like he hadn't been in years. This couldn't possibly be healthy. They were just having nice… guys' nights. Every night. Except they didn't watch football and drank beer. They talked about their feelings and watched reality shows and ate candies.
Okay, yeah, they had girls' nights. Or what his dad would have called girls nights. Yeah, whatever, it was nice. No reason to freak out here. Nope. Not at all. And so what if he liked spending time with Gabe, right? It wasn't like he was obsessing over the guy in that way. Not that he had anything against those kind of… Well. No, not at all. Everybody had a right to like the things they wanted to like, it just… It just wasn't what Dean was into. And why was he arguing with himself? The voice that made him panic a little sounded strangely like his father's.
He mentally slapped himself. John wasn't a bad guy but sometimes he could be very… old-fashion. And even though he wasn't here and was unlikely to show up at the hospital he still haunted Dean with his crappy sense of morality. Anyway Dean had no reason to freak out. Gabe was flirty, okay, but he seemed to be like that with everyone… Actually Dean hadn't seen him talk with anyone else but him but… He seemed like the kind of guy who would be like that with everyone. And it wasn't Dean's fault if Gabe's smile was hypnotizing. It was the way the corner of his lips lifted lazily after Dean made a joke or said something he found funny, almost as if he was thinking about the joke and then he would suddenly burst out laughing, and it was the most beautiful sound Dean had ever heard. And it… It made Dean very happy, getting those kinds of reactions from the guy. It wasn't weird, was it?
"Deaaan!" Gabriel's voice rang as he opened the door.
Surprised, Dean jumped a little. "What took you so long?" He asked, grumpily. Gabriel was pushing a wheelchair into the room. "What the fuck is that?" He added, eyeing the wheelchair suspiciously.
"A gift!" Gabriel said cheerfully.
"A what?"
"I read your file and I saw that you're free to go have a look around but I don't think it would be wise to make you walk just now so I brought this. We're going out!"
Dean blinked at him.
He watched Gabe pushing the wheelchair toward the bed. "Are we allowed to? I mean… It's night. Are you allowed to take me out like that?"
Gabriel smiled slyly as he pushed the covers away from Dean's legs and helped him sit on the edge of the bed. "No. But don't worry nobody will see us."
Dean just sighed. He knew by now there was no arguing with Gabe when he had decided something. He felt a chill running up his legs and he realized he was still wearing the hospital gown.
"I'm half-naked." He said, matter-of-factly.
"Oh yeah, I know. I brought you these." Gabriel answered, throwing a plastic bag at his face.
Dean took a look inside. There was a pair of sweat pants and an old T-shirt that read "I'm no angel" with little wings drawn underneath the text.
"What is that?" He asked, frowning at the shirt.
"Don't be a baby. That's the only shirt I have that would fit you. Come on, put these on so we can go!"
Dean took the pants in his hands and tried to lift one knee, but it felt like his legs were made of lead.
"Uh… I think I'll need a little help with that…"
Gabriel raised an eyebrow and looked at him as if to say 'yeah, no kidding!' but he didn't make any comment and came closer to Dean. He stood in front of him for a few seconds, apparently thinking about how he could do this, and then snatched the pants out of Dean's hands and threw it on the bed.
"Shirt first." He said, suddenly all serious. "Take the gown off."
Dean obliged, his throat suddenly dry. He felt strangely exposed, sitting here, in nothing but his boxer shorts. He didn't know if it was his imagination or if it was true, but it looked like Gabe was eyeing him from head to toe for a second. He promptly put the ugly shirt on and then looked at Gabriel, daring him to say something.
Strangely, Gabe stayed silent. He took the pants and kneeled before Dean, putting one leg in, then the other, and he stood up again.
"Okay, try to stand and hold on to me." He whispered.
Dean did, and he found himself suddenly closer to Gabriel than he would ever have imagined. They stared at each other, their nose almost touching. Dean quickly turned his head so Gabe wouldn't see his face go red. He felt like his cheeks were on fire.
Gabriel lifted the pants up to Dean's waist, his hands brushing slightly against Dean's skin. Dean couldn't help the awkward laugh that escaped his lips.
"It's the first time someone's been dressing me up. Usually it's the other way around…" He said, still laughing nervously.
Gabriel laughed too. He patted Dean's ass playfully. "You'd have to buy me dinner first for that." He said with a wink as he helped Dean sit back on the bed.
The weird tension seemed to dissipate, and Dean found himself smiling with relief. This was nothing. He was the one who was thinking weird stuff. It was all in his head. He was not falling in love with a guy.
Definitely not.
The night was beautiful, and to add to the sense of perfection that seemed to follow them both on this nice evening, it was a full moon. The beginning of summer was near, so there were flowers all around, everything smelt good and it was warm.
It was a little bit too romantic for Dean's taste, but it felt really good nonetheless. There was just one thing that was bugging him. He really, really, really didn't liked being pushed around like this. Gabriel had even brought a blanket with little flowers sewed on it and had insisted Dean wore it on his shoulders just in case. Dean felt like an old lady.
"I want to walk!" He said, trying to turn around so he could see Gabriel's face.
"Yeah and if something happens to you I get transferred and you win another week in bed. Is that what you want?"
"No…"
"Then shut the fuck up, I'll get you out of that chair as soon as we get there."
Get where, Dean had no idea. The park around the hospital was huge. Dean didn't thought it was that big. It was a giant, proper park, full of real trees and bushes and flowers, and apparently there was a nice place Gabe wanted to show him that would allow them to have a nice night out without being interrupted by the hospital staff.
"Are we there yet?" Dean whined.
Gabe wasn't his usual chatty self, it was unnerving. "Almost."
They past a huge tree – Dean was almost decapitated by a little low hanging branch – and Gabe finally stopped.
The view was amazing. They had reached a sort of little hill that allowed them to look over the city near the hospital. The trees around them were hiding them from view. There was a street lamp not far away from them that lit the place and made everything shine with the same weird orange glow. It smelt like fresh cut grass and summer. It was perfect.
Gabe took the blanket from Dean's shoulders and laid it on the grass. Then he helped Dean sit down on it and let himself fall heavily next to him. He got out two beers from a bag he had been carrying with him.
Dean raised an eyebrow at him.
"Beer? Aren't you suppose to watch for my health?"
"They're non-alcoholic, stupid. I may be the coolest nurse you'll ever meet but I'm not that cool yet." He smiled.
But he still looked sulky and kind of sad. Dean took the beer he was offered and opened it, sipping on it a little. It tasted like water. It was disgusting. But he didn't feel like saying something about that. Gabriel was being weird. He hadn't noticed at first because he was so impatient to see him, but it had hit him when they had reached the park. At first he had thought that Gabriel wasn't saying anything because he didn't want them to get caught sneaking out but after they were out of view he had kept silent and had just answered questions Dean would ask from time to time, and always with the shortest answers possible. Dean almost felt as pissed as Gabriel looked after a while. Had he done something? Or did something happen? He didn't know what it was but now Gabriel was drinking silently and all that silence was starting to make Dean feel mad.
"My turn." He said.
Gabe gave him a quick annoyed look. He knew what that meant by now. He shrugged.
"I don't guarantee an answer this time…" He mumbled, taking another sip of his beer.
"Okay. I'm gonna ask anyway : what the fuck is going on with you tonight, uh?"
Gabe sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He looked so serious… It didn't suit him, Dean thought. He wasn't supposed to be serious. He was Gabriel.
"Nothing."
Dean wanted to punch the guy in the face.
"Really, nothing? You sure?"
"Dean…"
"Gabe. Shut the fuck up and tell me what's wrong!"
"If I shut the fuck up then I can't tell you."
"Don't… You know what I mean. Don't be like that, okay, or I'm gonna punch you right in the middle of your pretty face. You don't want my fist in your face, Gabriel."
Gabriel sighed again. He put his beer down carefully, then turn to face Dean. He crossed his legs slowly and finally looked up into Dean's eyes.
"I read your file when I came in today." He just said.
Dean wanted so much to say something but he tried to keep it cool and just waited. Maybe it was something important. He knew important things could take time to come out. He wasn't good when it came about touchy-feely stuff either so he figured he had to give the guy some time. But nothing came out after that.
"Yes?" He tried.
"It said you could be discharged next week."
This came as a surprise to Dean. They didn't tell him that. Maybe they didn't intend to, so that he wouldn't be too restless.
"Oh… Okay, that's good, right? I thought it would take longer."
Gabe didn't look like it was good news to him. "Yeah. I thought so too…" He looked away.
And it hit Dean. It hit him harder than anything that had happened to him so far. Gabe didn't want him to leave. Gabe was having as much fun with him as he had too. He smiled.
"Are you sad 'cause you're going to miss me?" He asked, smugly. "Don't worry we'll still see each other after I get out of here. I mean, if you want to. I'll be here. Probably not all the time but…"
But Gabriel didn't look happy about that either. He looked defeated. As if he had made a choice but every one of Dean's word made him doubt. Dean wasn't dumb. He could see something was wrong. Very wrong.
"Okay, what did I say? I'm sorry I… What is happening I don't understand."
Gabriel looked up again. "It's just… It's complicated, Dean. I'm sorry I'm not in a great mood tonight. I'll be better tomorrow."
He smiled, but it looked fake. It didn't reach his eyes.
"Talk to me, Gabe." Dean pleaded. He didn't like that foreboding feeling that suddenly invaded every cell in his body. It was the same feeling he had when a hunt was about to go bad. It was a warning.
Gabriel seemed frustrated. He looked away quickly, his eyebrows furrowing in anguish.
"I don't get involved!" He snapped. "I just… I just don't okay? Usually I take care of people who are going to die, it's easier. I know they're going to leave eventually. It last a few days, a week at most and they're gone and I move on but you… you're going to get out of here and live your life and I…"
He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. Suddenly he was looking at Dean again. Dean didn't know what to answer to that. It was more than weird.
"Wow, okay… Hm… But isn't that better? I mean… I'm not going to die, I'm very happy about that. Shouldn't you be too?"
And then all of a sudden the wall around Gabe was back. There was no feeling showing on his face, he chuckled awkwardly and he smiled his trademark smile, and it didn't look fake anymore. But it felt fake. It felt like someone had just slammed a door in Dean's face.
"Yeah I know…" Gabe said. "It's just weird you know. But like you said, you can always come and visit me when you'll be out."
He looked down at the city before them and took another sip of his beer. He started chatting happily again after that, and Dean tried to get in the nice mood he was always in when they were together. He really tried. But this time he just couldn't. Something had been broken. Something was off.