No Holds Bars
OR
Lia glanced up and shot Nimoy a very innocent smile. "Hi Jeffy!"
"Don't 'hi Jeffy' me, author. Why are you putting Jell-o into our pool, author?"
"Hey, I'm writing a new fanfic. The Digidestined girls go at each other in a death match and the winner gets Matt."
"And you're going to rig the whole thing so you win, author? Like you always do, author?"
"Nope. I'm going to watch. Self-insertations don't bank a lot of reviews. I haven't gotten many reviews since Kaiser Stole Christmas and I figured if ever there was some ridiculous stunt to get my reviews up, sending Yolei, Kari, Mimi and Sora into battle against each other would be it."
"Your Nicki friend isn't fighting, author?"
"Aw, hell no. She hates Matt with the intensity of a thousand suns. She's refereeing."
"And what does the Jell-o have to do with any of it, author? Part of the battle, author?"
"The Jell-o? Oh! Nah, I've just always wanted to fill a swimming pool with lime Jell-o. Besides, Gomamon bet me fifty bucks I wouldn't do it."
"Either somebody peed in the pool again or it's lime Jell-o…wait, it IS lime Jell-o! Oh man, Lia, that is soooo cool! You put Jell-o in the pool! I worship you, girl! I worship you!"
Nimoy walked off, disgusted. "And this is what I have to put up with day in and day out, God. Why can't you give me a break for once, God? Just strike me down now, God."
~*~
"I'm blue, da ba de, da ba di, da ba de, da ba di, da ba de, da ba di," he hummed.
"Typecasting," Lia muttered, going about reconnecting the under-the-desk microphone cabling system after a little "accident."
Accident? You tripped over the cords and went flying!
I'm well aware of that, Yamato. I have the skinned
forearm to prove it.
Nicki, in referee stripes, marched in through one of the side doors, looking very red and rather shiny. "Aloe vera for my sunburns. Stupid UV rays. But hey, look! I'm a human mood ring!" she pointed out, pressing a finger on her forearm. The skin turned white and then red again.
"Cool! Hey, are those four noodlebrainers suited up for high intensity battle yet?"
Nicki snorted. "Let's put it this way: Mimi's wearing nothing short of a Richard Simmons spandex sequined bodysuit, Sora is in jeans and a cotton tank top…no bucket hat though, Kari's wearing her spandex bondage 'let's save the Digiworld' outfit, and Yolei…well, I don't give a damn what Yolei is wearing. Yolei can go to hell for all I care. She tried to steal my man, dammit!"
"Good to see you're a team player again."
"Hell yeah! No purple-haired ho is going to take my rightful place!"
"Hey Lia, you're not really going to give Matt up to one of them, are you? Cuz, you know, he'd get all scary and somebody will end up in the hospital and the others will be crying and we'd have to go off-air and show reruns for a few weeks until the therapy works and…"
"Would you get off my case, Horn Dog? It's MY fanfic, we play by MY rules. If you have a problem, go latch onto one of the other authors and end up in a Pieotismon lime or something like that."
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Hey, look, it's us!" Tai shouted, pointing at the screen.
"Man, is that T.W.N.B.A.?" Davis asked.
"Yup, I was so damn cute when I was little."
"No you weren't! You were a whiny, overly perky little brat. I, however, have always been the hot one."
"Hmm-mm, and just when did Lia figure that out? The end of the season?" Izzy teased.
"Hey, Crest of Friendship was my best moment! Fangirls around the world cried 'squee' on that day. Besides, Lia was still sort of new to the concept at that time. So give her credit!" Matt protested, discovering one of his old gloves in his pockets and chucking it at Izzy.
"Is that actually Jim? Because I know the Dubbers made my other brother into Jim and neglected him so…I really got bishy between seasons, didn't I?" Joe commented.
"Whoa, you guys actually killed stuff back then? Wow!" Cody cried enthusiastically.
"Look at Gennai! No wonder he's so vain now! He looks like he was beaten with an Ugly Stick!" Ken snickered.
Gennai (Obi-Wan style) popped out of nowhere, smacked Kenny upside the head, and left.
"Davis…"
"Sorry Ken. So hey, um, can Agumon and Gabumon still digivolve that high?"
"Eventually. Well, Agumon can. Gabumon just sucks." Matt whaps Tai with enough force to send him careening into the next room before picking up the conversation.
"WHAT?! I spent all that time getting Angemon to shoot you and it was for nothing? What a rip off!"
"Your dad must have been really high at the time, he looks like he actually gives a damn!"
Guys, we're ready to bring it on. Shut off the reruns and
get out to the bleachers.
"Aw, come on, Lia! We haven't even gotten to the Dark Masters yet and I was really looking forward to watching Matt go mental all over again!"
Sorry Joe, another time. The omnipotent Evil Yama will
have to wait.
~*~
"Mmph, you know they're auctioning you off, don't you, Matthew?"
"It's Yamato."
"Yeah, Matthew. Your little girlfriend is giving you to the winner, Matthew."
"It's Yamato, and I am well aware of it!"
"Then why aren't you cowering like a little girl, Matthew?"
It's not Matthew! It's Ishida Yamato, ondoay!!!
For those of you who need the translation, ondoay is
Japanese for "damn you." At least, that was what I was told. Don't look at me,
I have a very limited Japanese vocabulary that I gleam off fanfics and such.
Two bleachers above him, the 02 guys were assembled and discussing 01.
"Hey T.K., how come your dad knew all that stuff about 666 and the devil and stuff?" Cody asked.
"Eh, Matt and I think Dad's a closet Satanist."
"Well, your mom is Petrafina from Flint the Time Detective," Ken mentioned.
"Now here's something I don't get," Davis said, frowning. "If your parents stayed together, you'd still have your dad's last name, Ishida. But your folks divorced and your mom took back her maiden name, Takaishi. But I thought your mom's side was French, so how can a French woman like your mom Nancy have a Japanese maiden name like Takaishi?"
T.K., Cody, and Ken were absolutely silent for a few moments. It was Demidevimon, who had no intention on staying with Lia at the time because he's still mad she won't digivolve him back to champion, who eloquently summed up the situation.
"OH MY GOD! DAVIS ACTUALLY HAS A BRAIN AND USES IT! THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS ENDING!"
Readers and Digidestined everywhere fell over at the exact same time and started twitching in unison.
~*~
"HEY!"
"Welcome to the thing that I already mentioned at the beginning of the story. Now, there's probably somebody out there that's mad at me because I didn't include Yama yaoi pair-ups. I say unto thee…who the hell are you to think Matt is gay?! Where is the evidence, eh? So he fights like a girl, has longer hair and is overly emotional! I've just described half the Gundam Wing cast! He's straight, end of story!"
Fangirls actually stand and applaud Lia, who blushes and gets back into her Terry-chair.
"And now, I give you the battle of the century. But first, I wanted to ask a good question to our competitors. Other than the fact that I made you do this, why the hell are you fighting for Matt?"
Mimi giggled. "Well, see, he's the only one with good fashion sense and I was hoping that if I won him we could go shopping on 5th Avenue, get dinner at the Hard Rock Café, and see a Broadway show together."
"Mimi?! You don't want to do any of that with me?" Joe asked, horrified.
"Joe, there's plenty of other things for you and me."
"How about you, Kari?"
"Tai put me up to it. He said he wanted me to win so I could boss Matt around for a day while he laughs hysterically and humiliates Matt in front of the entire freshman student body."
Matt glowered at Tai, who gave him an "innocent angel" grin.
"Sora? Why?"
"Because you're a huge Sorato advocate and the contest is still open! Send those Sorato fics! If I win, I'd probably just give him back to you anyways. Unless you take off and write up another Sorato, then it's whatever."
"I'm almost afraid to ask this, but, what's the dilly-o with you, Yolei?"
"He's sexy, what better reason? What thirteen-year-old wouldn't want to win a date with someone so drop dead gorgeous? He's dead sexy! Besides, it's in my character nature and training to chase bishounen, and they don't come any more bishy."
More twitching followed. Matt, Ken, and Willis were twitching so much they looked like they were having seizures.
Mimi started whipping high-heel shoes at the girls, shrieking Xena style. Yolei jumped aside, Sora whacked it with a tennis racket, and Kari did her glow-and-be-all-special act and disintegrated the shoe in a lump of leather.
"Oh, how fair is that? She can use her pointless powers in this?" Mimi complained.
"Nicki?" Lia asked, glancing at her referee. Nicki took a long sip of Cherry Coke.
"I don't care. As long as purple over there stays away from my Izzy!"
"Matt and Kari pair-ups have no evidence! You're younger than he is, you don't spend time together. There was that one time with Myotismon and the warehouse but Matt was doing his duty as older brother and babysitter. Where is the evidence? Where?" Sora questioned, swinging her tennis racket maniacally.
"I…don't…know," Kari whimpered. Still glowing, she looked up at Tai for guidance. He shrugged and pointed off in the direction of the mystical Fourth Wall, which everybody has completely ignored until now.
Lia, that's not the Fourth Wall, that's a storage
closet.
It is? I thought it was a Fourth Wall.
Nope.
Darn.
"Now she has glowworm powers and Escaflowne? Get rid of her!"
Lia sighed and hastily did her hair up and threw on a pair of glasses, Lady Une style, and glared down at Kari.
"Kari Kamiya! You are the weakest link. Goodbye."
Kari stared at her in shock. "W-what?"
"Go! Walk the Walk of Shame!"
"You've been waiting to do that, huh?" Ken whispered. Lia nodded, going back to normal mode. And then she starts playing with "Tai action figure with Action Kari" she found in the mall.
Although I'm dying to find "Matt action figure with
Action T.K."
"One down, three to go. And no rigging for Sorato. I hate that couple with an intense passion," Nicki glowered.
"As much as Mimato?"
"Maybe not. But I don't see the point of Sorato."
"Ahem. Sorato, the how and why. As we all know, Sorato is the official coupling Toei decided on for we, the original Digidestined. We have all seen the official pictures from the end of 02, but there is some smidges of Sorato in 01. Take, for instance, the Puppetmon arc. Notice how concerned I, Sora, was for him, Matt, during the duration of it. Watch the disappointment as he, Matt, leaves. Watch the elation as he, Matt, saves me, Sora, from Puppetmon. Moving backwards in time. Notice in the Myotismon arc how concerned he, Matt, was for me, Sora, in Sora's Crest of Love. Also take note how fairly close we were in City Under Siege and Wizardmon's Gift. Um…I'm sure there's more stuff and screen caps, but I can't think of any so just go look at all the evidence at Sorato Sora's site www.geocities.com/sorato_yamora because Lia stuck a few of her best Sorato fics up there."
Yeah, Breath of Spring and Bright Sky, Dark
Clouds. I'm working on putting a CGI up eventually but my art skills have
been lacking lately.
Sora, who we all know has the personality of a wet paper bag or Heero, managed to put most everyone to sleep.
"Ever notice how Sora's mom looks like Wufei? When I first started going online and getting hooked on the show, I saw people saying that and I didn't understand it but now I get it and they're right," Shadowmon said.
"Hey! No fair! This is my fanfic! I call the shots and Sora stays in!" Lia hissed.
"Yeah, so you can end up winning your own boyfriend back. I don't think so."
"But that leaves Mimi and Yolei! There's no evidence for either of them, and I wanted to watch Sora fight. She fights good!"
"Tough. You should have known better than to let me ref."
"Damn you."
Sora sighed dejectedly and sat down in the bleachers. Tai put an arm around her shoulder. "Think of it this way, you didn't injure yourself severely and you shamefully plugged a website."
"But I wanted to beat them! They suck!"
"I know."
"Oh, so you wanna play it that way, huh?" Mimi smirked. She
dove into the storage closet and pulled out some props left over from Sailor
Stupidity.
"Moon crisis, make up!"
And like Mimi magic, we are confronted by Super Sailor Mimi-Moon.
She smirks at Yolei and whips out her sticky-wand. "Moon gorgeous meditation!"
"Lia, where are you getting all this?" Joe asked.
"You know as well as I do I have a copy of Sailor Moon Supers. I have it right next to my PC, scanner, and M&M Man…he was for Easter but I ate all the candy."
Yolei somehow dodged the shot and started going Exorcist, or Buffy. The whole head spinning and pea soup-vomiting deal, you know.
"You never saw that, how do you know?" Demidevimon asked. "You hate scary movies."
"They spoof it enough…and I've seen clips."
Anyway, Yolei picked up a bench and crashed it down on Mimi's head. Mimi wasn't killed, but she's had the tar knocked out of her.
"NO! ANYONE BUT HER! SHE MAKES THE ANTICHRIST LOOK ANGELIC! NO!" Matt howled, going off to hide in his dressing room.
"And how did this happen? Lia, have you honestly lost your mind? I expected you to win hands down, and if not you then Sora. But Yolei?" T.K. questioned.
Lia grinned evilly. "I have it all worked out, don't you worry."
~*~
"Go away, I'm committing suicide!"
"Matt, it's me," Willis said, his voice sounding muffled because of the door. "Lia wants me to let you know that you should probably sneak out through the ventilation ducts now before Yolei figures out what she did."
"What'd she do?" Matt asked, getting down from his makeshift gallows.
"Found a suitable substitute for you that Yolei won't be able to tell the difference from."
"Who, that guy from Dr. Rin?"
"Eh…not quite."
~*~
"Cool your jets, hair boy. I'm not the one you've been set up with."
"Well then where is my sexy senorita?"
Lia points at Yolei, which causes our pseudo-Matt *cough, Johnny Bravo, cough* to shriek like a girl.
"Aah! You never said anything 'bout that purple freak! Keep her away from me! She's scarier than those Powerpuff thingy girls! Johnny Bravo does not do scary purple girls, nuh-uh! It's enough to make my hair gel scream!"
And yet Yolei, like the boy-crazy mental case she is, fell for our little ploy like Wizardmon when he died…the first time. One thing's always bothered me about that. If he can fly, when the bats dropped him over the water why didn't he just fly away? Huh?
"Don't look at me, I just died, end of story," Demi sighed, filing his claws.
"But that was you! Well, you in champion form."
"Maybe I could answer you if you digivolved me."
"I'm not falling for that! And you still can't go to Hogwarts."
"Why not?!"
"Because you're a digimon, Harry Potter's a book wizard. It's like apples and oranges, or Gomamon and Shadowmon."
"But Gomamon and Shadowmon date and they're the same because they're incompetent fuzzballs! I belong at school with Harry because we're both intelligent and we're both wizards!"
"You're not a real wizard!"
"Go back to filling pools with Jell-o and go away!"
"MATT! HE'S BEING MEAN TO ME AGAIN!"
Don't start with me. Please don't start with me.
Well he was! This thing got way too out of hand…oh; I've
been meaning to ask you (and the audience in general) this. I had to revise the
fic because I forgot to put it in…thank God I hadn't posted it yet. Anyway, did
you ever say you took judo?
Judo? I don't remember. I don't think so, why?
I've seen "Digidestined Profiles" that say you took judo. When did he say this? Did I miss Yama mentioning judo? Somebody clue me in!
And me too, especially since I apparently said it.
Mmm, Yama in a karate uniform thingy.
Cut that out, you were having racy fantasies about me during Tarzan Sunday night too.
Ooh! Thanks for reminding me!
Me and my big mouth. Send some fecking reviews and
make the fangirl happy.