Title: An Axe for Men
Author: SweetlyDesolated
Warning: crack!fic, character death, blood, gore
Summary: Final Battle: Harry decides to end things on a good note. The battle shall be him and Voldemort alone, and they shall fight it out with minor spells. And a surprise or two. Crack!fic, character death. Not slash.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and co. They are the belongings of J. K. Rowling and the companies who publish her books. The title comes from the short story, "An Axe for Men," written by Rosemary Edghill in the anthology, "Young Warriors: Stories of Strength," edited by Tamora Pierce and Josepha Sherman.
It was a bright, sun shining day when the dreaded final battle took place. Rather than some dramatic fight between the forces of Light and Dark, Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort decided to just wrestle it out between the two of them. Harry ignored his friends gathered around him, covering half of the circle, while Voldemort's most favored Death Eaters composed his side.
A befuddled Rufus Scrimgeour was the one to set the Ward charm preventing outside interference.
The Dark Lord sent the first spell careening towards Potter, who ducked out of the way and cast his own, a highly powerful Engorgement charm. Voldemort gave a confused stare to Harry at the charm as he stepped out of its path.
He returned with a Tickling charm, deciding that if Potter could shoot out childish spells, he'd continue in the same manner. Unfortunately, a few of the ends of the charm caught Harry in the side, but he spoke through his laughter to cast a Knitting charm.
For this one, Voldemort's confusion was plain on his face and he stood still, just barely catching the spell with a hasty shield charm thrown up around his person.
Harry, still giggling with the aftereffects of the charm, took the moment of the man's confusion to whisper, "Serpensortia," resulting in a large snake bursting from the end of his wand.
One of Harry's hands slipped into the back of his robes, his fingers wrapping around the thick length of wood he found.
Upon seeing the snake, Voldemort brought down his shield charm and cackled, throwing his head back in amusement as he chortled wildly. "A snake, Potter. Really, we both can talk to it!" He closed his eyes as he smirked, opening them to cast a banishing spell.
Attempted, rather. When his eyelids flickered open, revealing bright red irises, he saw a giant axe blade swinging rather forcefully towards him. A small squeal came out of his mouth as it got closer and closer; his mind was frozen with the coming thing.
Harry grinned happily at the jerking of his arms as the axe beheaded Voldemort with one swift movement. The body remained standing for a second or two; the head slid off the neck and fell to the ground wetly. The body collapsed forward.
Just to be sure, Harry gave a few, decidedly strong whacks to the dead wizard's back. Blood splattered all over Harry's body, face, and hands. A few stray droplets managed to fly towards the barrier, and they slid down slowly, followed by the wary gazes of the Death Eaters.
Eventually, Harry braced the axe on the ground next to him and leaned on the handle, his breathing heavy.
Voldemort was in multiple pieces on the ground, a few of the small chunks nearly floating in the puddle of blood that had yet to soak into the ground. It was a job well done.
"Well, that's good enough for me. I'm going to be out of reach for a very long while, so leave messages at Gringotts and they'll make sure I get them in a few years!" Harry said. He hefted his axe over his shoulder, easily handling the awkward weapon. His wand, slipped into a pocket during Voldemort's distraction, came out again and the Ward was banished. Harry spun in place and disappeared. Maybe he was gone for good this time.
I couldn't help it. I was in the mood for blood and an odd Harry and…this happened. Please review! Besides, aren't you proud of me? That's two fics on the same day!
~Deso