A Lesson in Pregnancy and Stalking
By Karu Leonnese
A/N: I was going to do this as a doujin, but I decided to post it instead for two reasons. One, I'm gonna get killed if I don't post something soon, and two, it was too funny to beh in a sketchbook no one can see. Gab-koi and I came up with this walking her to school a couple of days ago. It sounded better in our heads, really. ::winks::
THIS IS MY DESIGNATED CRACK FICCEH.
Warnings: Shounen-ai (whoo, partial action!), language, utter naiveté, misuse of books, COMPLETE disregard for an actual storyline (random locker room, anyone?)
---
"It's raining."
"No shit, Sherlock. They're not kidding when they call you the smart one."
Tenpou replied with a hand to the back of Kenren's head. The taisho laughed, leaning against the doorframe of Tenpou's office.
"How am I supposed to get all these books to Konzen's office in the rain?" he sighed, looking down at the armful of old text he was rarely seen without.
Kenren pretended to think about this seriously. "Hmm...how about telling Blondie to get them himself? His legs aren't broken."
"They aren't all for him. In fact, most of them are for Goku." The gensui answered matter-of-factly.
"Oh, and here I thought Konzen was developing a taste for comic books," he rolled his eyes good-naturedly.
Tenpou decided to change the subject. "Regardless, I still need a way to protect the books."
Kenren shrugged. "Just stuff 'em under your coat. It's big enough..."
The brunette frowned slightly, wrapping his long white coat around the books in his arms. "I suppose this will work for the short trip..."
"See? I'm a genius too. Now let's go before Gojun gets all pissy...wait, he already is."
Tenpou followed the general out the door, closing it behind them. "Honestly, I can't see why you two can't at least be civil toward each other."
Kenren crossed his arms behind his head, raising an eyebrow. "I'd be happy to, if he'd just know better than to try anything."
The marshal glanced up at him. "What do you mean by that?"
He blinked in disbelief. "You mean you can't tell?"
"Tell what? Kenren, you're going to have to start making some sense."
Kenren grinned almost evilly, leaning in close to the shorter kami. "He totally wants you."
Tenpou's eyes widened, a blush creeping up on him. "W-what?!"
This made the taisho laugh. "You mean to tell me you really can't see it? He's practically –stalking- you!"
He looked down, flustered. "That's absurd."
Kenren laughed again. "Gods, you can be so naive sometimes..."
Tenpou stopped short, turning to face Kenren. "Naive?"
Kenren skidded to a halt, slightly confused. "Uh, yeah?"
The gensui shifted the weight of the books to one arm, grabbing a handful of Kenren's collar with the other. Kenren blinked, locking his eyes with the ones in front of him. Tenpou pulled the kami's face level with his, voice dangerously serious.
"I am, if anything, merely unaware of the current situation. By no means am I naïve," he pulled Kenren closer, kissing him fiercely. Then just as suddenly as he'd become serious, he let the taisho go and continued walking as if nothing had happened.
Kenren recovered quickly, trotting after him. "Whatever, my bad. But anytime you wanna molest me in a hallway, be my guest!"
Tenpou shook his head, smiling slightly. "Honestly..."
Kenren smirked, leaning close again. "Was that a book n your arm, or were you happy to see me?"
WHAP!
"Ow..."
---
Goku was waiting out in the hall when the pair reached Konzen's office, damp from their walk in the rain. The boy ran up to them excitedly.
"Ten-chan! Kenee-chan! I've been waiting forever for you guys!" he tried to stop short in front of them but failed, crashing instead into Kenren. They both fell to the floor in a heap. Tenpou smiled at them.
"I'd help you up, but I'm currently unable."
Goku jumped up, looking curiously at Tenpou. "What's that Ten-chan?" he pointed to the lump of books still under the gensui's coat, "It looks like you're having a baby!"
Tenpou and Kenren exchanged shocked looks. Then Kenren burst out into laughter, while Tenpou attempted to correct the situation.
"Goku, where did you--?"
"I read it in some of the books! When someone's having a baby, their stomach gets really big! Are you having a baby?"
Tenpou turned red. He opened his mouth to reply, but Kenren cut him off.
"That's right Goku! Ten-chan's having a baby! He's gonna be a mommy!"
Goku's eyes lit up happily. "Really? Then I'll have someone to play with and teach things!"
Tenpou glared at Kenren, mouth agape. Kenren grinned back. Goku took the gensui's arms happily. Without anything to support them, the books fell out of his coat, spilling to the floor.
Goku gasped, dropping to his knees and picking them up.
"See Goku? I wasn't—"
"Wow Ten-chan, you sure had a lot of babies!"
The brunette twitched. Kenren bit his lip to keep from bursting out into uncontrollable laughter. Goku held the books with care, rocking a few of them in his arms.
"Book babies," Kenren choked out, clamping a hand over his mouth.
Tenpou sighed. "Goku, please take those inside."
---
"Don't worry Tenpou, I won't dump you just cuz you're a single mother," Kenren couldn't wipe the grin off his face as the two continued down the hall from Konzen's office.
"I agreed to go with you to the locker room, but I didn't sign up for harassment," he replied simply.
"Well, once I pick up my notes, we can go get dinner or something. You need a night out. Good thing you got Goku to baby-sit!"
Deciding that anger would get him nowhere, Tenpou turned tactics. "Taisho, if anything, those children are yours too!"
This caught him by surprise. "Mine?"
He nodded, looking for all the world completely serious. "Of course! Who else would they belong to? I believe some child support is in order."
Kenren grinned, wrapping an arm around the gensui's shoulders. "Child support? No way! I'm a good dad! You and me need to get a place where all the little ones can grow up in a two-parent house!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Both of them turned to see Gojun walking down the hall slightly behind them.
"Toldya he was a stalker," Kenren muttered confidentially, before grinning at the dragon. "Gojun-san! How nice to see you! Gensui and I were just discussing how to care for our new children!"
Gojun's jaw dropped. "WHAT?!"
Tenpou buried his head in his hands. "I don't believe this..."
"Yep," Kenren continued, smiling proudly. "Goku's watching them right now. A whole litter of them!" he grabbed Tenpou around the waist, pulling him close. "And he didn't even lose his figure. He's such a good mommy!"
Gojun's eye twitched in shock. "You two have...children?"
Tenpou had had enough. He pulled Kenren by the arm, dragging the general down the hall once more. Gojun stood frozen in place, looking after them.
Once in the soldier's locker room, Kenren grabbed his notes. Tenpou leaned on the locker next to his. "I can't –believe- you did that!"
Kenren grinned. "All in good fun, gensui..."
"You're insufferable."
"Yeah, I know," Kenren slammed the locker door and pinned Tenpou against the other one in a single quick motion. "But you love me for it."
Tenpou smirked. "I think you're mistaking love for murderous rage."
"Ooh kinky..."
The brunette rolled his eyes, shoving Kenren lightly so he could get up. His hair, however, had become tangled in the lock of the locker beside Kenren's. Tenpou yelped. Kenren pulled the hair free, inadvertently opening the locker as he did so. Both of them stared in shock at the locker's contents.
Several pictures were taped up inside, all of them of Tenpou. One of him in a meeting, one of him sleeping, and one of him and Kenren. Kenren's face was scribbled out in black pen. There were scraps of cloth and old memos, and even a small plushie of the gensui, taped to the side of the locker.
"What. The. Hell.?" Kenren took a step back.
"NO!" a white blur pushed them both away, blocking the locker from view. Gojun stood with his arms outstretched, face red with embarrassment.
"Should've known..." Kenren shook his head. "Fucking lunatic..."
Gojun turned on him. "You evil being! Taking my Tenpou away and making him an unwilling mother!"
Tenpou twitched.
"You're a freakin' stalker!" Kenren yelled
Tenpou walked quietly to the door.
"And you're nothing more than a no-good pervert!" Gojun snapped back.
Tenpou left the room, locking the door behind him.
"Hey, Ten-chan, you locked me in!"
"Tenpou-san! You accidentally locked the door!"
Tenpou kept walking.
"STALKER!"
"PERVERT!"
Tenpou kept walking.
---
Fin! Stupid yes? It prolly would've been better, but I've gotta quick-post it and get going. Flames are laughed at and used to light Gojyo and Sanzo's cigarettes! Ja ne!