THE TEMPERATE TOMCAT
by ingrid
----
"Don't give up on me yet."
When Clark responded with just a huff, Lex blinked and hoped he could squeeze a tear out from some unwilling eye duct. It wasn't that he didn't feel bad about Clark's jealous snit, but come on.
He had to get laid sometime, didn't he?
More huffs came from Clark, sounding like a speeding train and Lex desperately kept thinking sad thoughts. Thoughts like he'd probably never get laid again, ever, with Clark being such a bitch and dead ex-one-night-stands littering his path like so many old socks.
It was the five-fingered dating game for him for the foreseeable future unless he could convince the next girl she'd be getting diamond earrings and a day of shoe shopping in exchange for some anonymous nookie.
Oh, man. Now, he really felt like killing himself.
Hey, wait. Suicide. Didn't he just threaten suicide? Didn't that count for something?
"Hey, Clark," Lex said finally, exasperated. "Doesn't me wanting to die make you feel a little bit of sympathy for me?"
Clark shrugged with his arms still folded across his chest. "Nope." He waggled his fingers sarcastically at Lex. "Buh-bye. Don't hit the bridge on the way down."
Why the little ... "You broke up with me! What was I supposed to do?"
Clark glared at him. "You were supposed to be pining for me."
Don't roll the eyes, Lex chanted silently to himself. Just ... don't ... roll 'em. "I was pining!" he insisted. "I was losing myself in mindless sex. That's how I pine."
Clark looked like his head was about to explode. "I stayed pure for you!"
Lex blinked. He wasn't sure he was hearing correctly. "Pure? You stayed pure? What the hell does that mean?"
"That means, I"m still a virgin. And you obviously aren't anything even close."
Lex tried not to laugh. "Um, Clark? Visiting all the stations but avoiding certain tunnels doesn't mean you've never ridden a train."
More indignant huffing and Lex wondered if there would be any air left in the loft by the time they were done.
"I can't feel any sympathy for someone as carelessly promiscuous as you," said Clark with self-righteous finality. "Until you change your ways, I'm afraid we are through for good."
"But ..."
"No buts! Get out until you're ready to stop being such an evil slut." Clark pointed a finger of doom toward the loft stairs. "OUT!"
As Lex slumped down the stairs, he could only wonder how he was ever going to get Clark back.
Or at least get a little action without being set on fire. Or thrown from a plane. Or tossed from a car. Or made to watch "Reba". Or ...
-----
Once at home, Lex sat in his office and sighed a sigh of the damned.
This was an intolerable situation. No, Clark, no chicks, no hide the pool cue anywhere and it was all his fault. Or so he guessed, since Clark insisted it was.
What could he do? There had to be some way to temper his baser impulses, but old -- and fun -- habits were so hard to break. Lex despaired for a good minute and a half when the thought hit him.
He had learned how to play piano like a pro in a couple of weeks. He could learn how to act like a prude. He could!
Lex's smooth brow wrinkled in brilliant thought. All he really needed was some self-discipline, behavior modification and a good desktop wallpaper reminding him of his multiple failings.
Opening a graphics program on his laptop, Lex quickly created a wallpaper and uploaded it to his screen. The picture showed a brown kitten with a red "X" through its cute little face. The flashing words beneath the kitten said:
"NO MORE PUSSY FOR YOU!"
There. That's my new motto, Lex thought determinedly. I can live with that.
Unfortunately, the more he thought about it, the less he thought he could live with it. Or without it, so to speak. Going back into the program, he changed the wording slightly.
"NO MORE BRUNETTE PUSSY FOR YOU!"
That was better, but a few minutes later, he was forced to change it yet again.
"NO MORE PSYCHOTIC BRUNETTE PUSSY FOR YOU!"
It still wasn't working. He'd have to think up a motivational phrase that didn't contain promises he couldn't keep. Finally, he came up with the perfect one:
"REPENT, MANWHORE!"
There! That was it.
But as the hours wore on late into morning, Lex began to think a wallpaper wasn't quite enough. He needed some outside motivational force and digging through his desk drawer, he found it.
It was a business card he'd saved from his Clark Room, one that had fallen out of Clark's pants the last time they were together before Clark discovered the Clark Room and gave him the Clark Dumping. Lex had given Clark back everything else, but had found this card so funny, he had to keep it.
All he had to do was look at it to burst out into fits of laughter, but now?
Lex wasn't laughing anymore.
He picked up his phone and dialed the number on the card. "Hello?" he said into the receiver. "Is this "Virginity Again"?"
"Yes, it is," a prim female voice answered. "If you want your virginity again we can work with you and the Lord to get it back to its rightful place inside your foul, sinning body."
"That's great," said Lex, looking at his watch. With any luck, he could cleanse his foulness away and be getting a blow job from Clark by dinnertime. "How do we go about this? And, um, I'm kinda in a hurry, so, if you could just give me the gist over the phone?"
"You'll have to pray," she told him. "First, get on your knees and ask the Lord's forgiveness."
On his knees? Oh, please. "Can't I just email? These pants are dry-clean only."
"Uh, well, I guess," the girl stammered. "It's not important how you pray, just that you do. You then ask him to restore your virginity to you, with a promise not to sin again."
"Okay, thanks," Lex said, hanging up the phone. Hoo-boy, what a scam, he thought, hacking into Chloe's address book on-line because if anyone had God's email address, she probably did.
Lex scanned the download and bingo. There it was. God's email address.
"Hey, the big guy's got GMail too," he noted aloud. "
Quickly, he began to type:
Dear God:
I know we haven't talked in a long time ... well ... never, actually, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
I want to be a virgin again. I was hoping you might be able to pull that off.
Thanks for your time,
Lex Luthor
An email pinged back less than a minute later. Boy, that God sure is fast, Lex thought admiringly. He opened it.
Dearest Lex:
It's always good to hear from you.
As for your request, unfortunately, I've just discovered that omnipotence has its limits.
Who woulda thunk it?
Love always,
God
"Goddamnit!" Lex cried, ignoring the rumble of thunder outside his window. "Now what am I going to do?"
Defeated, Lex lowered his head to the desk but something round and sticky got in his way. Lex sat up, surprised to see the duct tape Crazy Girl had used to tie him up the night before, stuck to his forehead.
As it dangled in front of his eyes, an idea hit Lex like a really good glass of drugged booze.
"That's it!" he cried. He plucked off the duct tape. "I know exactly what I'm going to do."
-----
"Lex?"
Clark's voice echoed through the dark office. He flicked on a wall sconce and was shocked to see Lex in the middle of the room, taped to his office chair. "Oh my God, are you all right?" he said, rushing over to help.
"Don't untie me, Clark," Lex said calmly. "I'm determined to practice proper sexual conduct and this is the only way I'll be sure not to foul my body and soul with evil pleasures. I'm going to keep myself like this until I can properly abstain from wicked naked loving with wicked naked women who take me away from my one and only true, pure love, which happens to be you. I won't disappoint you again, Clark. I mean it this time."
Clark was flabbergasted. "You tied yourself up? For me?"
Lex glanced at Clark from beneath his lashes. Innocently. "Only for you. Self-restraint in all things is my new kink ... er, I mean ... kick."
A long stare. A long ... horny ... stare. "You look really hot like that," Clark said, licking his lips.
Lex brightened. "You think so?" He pulled a little on the tape, making sure not to pull too hard. The last wrist had been a bitch to fasten by himself. "I can't get loose either," he simpered. "You might want to, uh, teach me a lesson while you're here. If you have the time."
"I got time," Clark replied huskily. He ran a hand over Lex's leg. "You know, it's not really sex without penetration."
"Not even close," Lex agreed, arching into the touch. Oh, baby! He was a GENIUS.
Clark fell to his knees. Bent to nuzzle Lex's erection, raising his head in askance at the loud moan echoing through the room. "Um, do you have any more tape?"
"Why, would you like to gag me?"
"Uh, maybe," Clark said, biting his lip. "But I have a feeling I might need it later. For myself." He blushed and all was right in the world again. "Because I think I'll need some help in the purity department from now on."
"We can be pure together," Lex agreed and sat back to enjoy his newfound self-restraint to the max.
-----
the end
Reviews are very welcome.