She was unexpected.
All of it was though. For so long, he was more machine than man. He took orders and carried out missions. He had been an asset. Taken out of cold storage when useful, put away when not. The moment on the bridge when Steve had called him by name… It had been the first time in decades that he had questioned his programming. Part of him long forgotten had broken through the brainwashing and fought back. It was several months after the fall of SHIELD and HYDRA that Steve found him again. He moved into Stark Tower with Steve. The Tower filled rapidly as SHIELD fell apart. It was a safe place for those sympathetic to the Avengers.
He rarely felt safe. No, that was a poor choice of words.
He was one of the most deadly assassins on the planet; he had no problem keeping himself safe. He rarely felt comfortable. His mind was always on alert. He was always aware of potential weapons or threats, he always knew escape routes and kill shots, he was always armed, always analyzing, and he was never able to not do those things.
Except with her.
She caught his eye the moment they had been introduced. She was different. Most in the tower were like him, living weapons, some were scientists, intelligent, strategists, a few functioned like handlers, there were also many civilians in the building.
She seemed to be all of those things and yet none of them. She could fight, but when forced she chose non-lethal methods. She worked with the scientists, was intelligent but in a different way. In a way she functioned as handler to the scientists, made certain they slept, ate, and hydrated on a regular basis. She was a civilian but not. She was unique and it troubled him that he could not categorize her.
When Steve had introduced him to the room full of scientists most of them had been polite but had gone back to their work almost immediately. Only two of them had taken any notice of him. Stark, but Stark only had eyes for his arm. It made him uncomfortable. The other, Darcy Lewis, she smiled at him and spoke to him in the same manner she did everyone else. She was in the tower every day working in the labs. She made him feel more like the man HYDRA had tried to erase. He tried to visit her in the labs often though the lab itself reminded him of the labs at HYDRA.
He felt uncomfortable in the tower, too many access points, not sufficiently guarded. When he couldn't sleep or when his stress level was high he felt the need to run surveillance. Twice he caught unauthorized persons on the premises. Both times, he dealt with the situation with no one else the wiser. If he were to live in the tower, he would be damn sure it was his approximation of secure.
He was in the lobby one afternoon doing surveillance when she came in. She didn't notice him watching her. She was dragging several suitcases and trying to push a large box into the elevator. She explained her situation and he decided to help her but when her voice broke, he realized there was more to it than she let on.
He lifted her chin to make her look at him. Her face was flushed from trying to move the heavy box, she had scratches and bruises on her face, and she held her body stiffly. She was more injured than she let on. He determined so long as she remained in the tower she would remain safe.
He checked in on her in the lab on regular intervals. She decided that he and Steve were lacking in their pop culture knowledge and decided to educate them. It began as a few Saturdays of movies but when Stark had seen them in the common area watching Star Wars he had insisted on using his personal media room. So their pop culture education grew to include the rest of the Avengers and their respective friends.
She became a person of interest to him, a point of contact. He knew Steve and though Steve had helped reacclimate to 'normal' society Steve was yet unable to treat him like a normal human being, he always treated him as though he was made of glass.
She joked with him, talked with him about her day, and she seemed to always be touching him. A pat on the shoulder, a hand on his wrist, hugs, she messed with his hair, he didn't understand how she could be so free with him. One day they were sitting in the common area alone and she sat on his lap with no warning. It was too much and he snapped at her. "Stop doing that. Don't you know who I am?" he growled.
She grinned at him and then rattled off an oversimplified version of his life story.
He stood up plopping her on the couch where he had sat seconds before. He towered over her and snarled at her. "I am the Winter Soldier; I have killed diplomats, kings, and presidents. I have killed men, women, and children, I have leveled buildings filled with people and held no remorse for my actions. I am not someone trifled with."
She looked him straight in the eye. "You are not the Winter Soldier. Not anymore. The man who did those things was controlled by HYDRA. You are not that man. You are my friend, you are a good man who is concerned about his friends, who does surveillance without having to be asked, and who lets Steve play mother hen over him because you know that's what he needs."
He stepped away from her. She stood and walked slowly over to him. "You are a good man." She repeated. He backed almost all the way to the wall his breathing labored. She laid one hand on his metal arm and one on his cheek. "You are a good man and I am not afraid of you." She rose and placed a light kiss on his cheek. "I know that you are uncomfortable right now so I'm gonna leave you alone to think this through. But I just want you to know I care about you. A lot." She sauntered away from him and for the first time in a very long time James Buchanan Barnes allowed himself to want.
A few days later he went on his first mission with the Avengers; they took down a cell of HYDRA agents in South Africa. He felt the Winter Soldier pushing at the edge of his consciousness. It a lot not to succumb to the cold and the dark that was the Winter Soldier. One single thought became his focal point. Darcy with her hair long and loose. Sitting curled up on a couch in the common area watching a movie with him. She held his hand, his left hand, with no fear at all.
He needed to get back home to her, to be certain she was still there, that she was still safe.
She was sleeping when he snuck into her apartment. Blissfully stretched out comfortable and secure. He left just as silently as he came.
In the morning, he was sitting on her couch, freshly showered and waiting for her. He had already started her coffee pot.
"Morning Doll." His voice was raspy, he still hadn't settled down enough after the mission to sleep and the lack thereof was beginning to wear on him.
"Holy Shit!" she squeaked. She reeled around to find him on her couch. "You are so not allowed to do that! You scared the beejezzus out of me."
He gave her a tired smirk. "But it's so much fun to see you jump like that."
They talked for a while and then he dozed on her couch. She told him later that Steve had come looking for him, and that Steve had seemed pleased that he was able to finally get some rest.
It became his regular habit to crash in her apartment after missions. He felt secure there. He developed a growing attachment to the girl. He found more reasons to be around her. He realized his friendship with Steve changing as well. He began to notice things and as he started to allow himself to feel more, more things came to light. Feelings that he might have had in the past, feelings he had hidden away and shared with no one. He continued to work through living in a modern era with modern ideals and liberties. At times, it was nearly overwhelming.
Months passed. He grew more comfortable around the team. Going on missions was good. It gave him a sense of purpose. After Bogota, he had showered and stopped by Steve's apartment. He needed to tell him something about the mission, a relatively unimportant detail he'd forgotten to mention in his report. He walked in without knocking intending to speak with Steve, but stopped short. The man in question had just exited his bathroom fresh from his shower. He was drying his hair with his towel over his head with not another scrap of fabric on his body.
Bucky ducked back out, Steve never having realized the show he'd put on for his best friend. His heart racing. He was on autopilot when he found himself outside her door. He could hear music coming from inside her apartment.
Bogota had been six weeks ago. He had some difficulty processing the change in their relationship. He had done some research on the internet. They weren't dating. It seemed to come closest to the term 'friends with benefits' but he didn't feel it was anything as crass as that. A few weeks after their odd relationship began; a tech in Banner's lab had flirted with her. That evening he had felt almost desperate to touch her. He held her tightly as they came together. It was different, he felt like he needed to mark her, to claim her, to bury himself so deeply in her that she wouldn't want to leave him.
She nearly outed their relationship when a woman from Stark's PR office had shown up to talk to he and Cap and had been too handsy. Darcy had insinuated her way into the conversation and slowly moved so that she was between the woman and the guys. The woman seemed to understand Darcy's intention and she left.
He gave her an odd look. She smirked at him and told them both that the woman had a predatory look about her.
"I didn't want her being all gropey on my boys." Darcy smirked with her hands on her hips.
Cap blushed and moved like he was going to hug Darcy but faltered at the last moment and simply patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. "Thanks Darcy." He glanced back and forth between Darcy and Bucky scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck and left quickly.
"Hate to see him go, but love to watch him leave." She mumbled staring at Steve's retreating form. Steve glanced back once over his shoulder and her heated gaze became something else altogether. "He seems so lonely." She said softly.
"Your boys? Plural?" He moved closer behind her speaking directly into her ear. "Do I gotta worry my girl's gonna throw me over for my best friend?" He wondered what was going on in that wild modern mind of hers.
She shivered a little and shook her head, "Nope." She popped the p as she glanced over her shoulder. He stepped closer to her, but his eyes followed Steve. The moment he had accidently seen all of Steve was still burned into his consciousness. She stepped back slightly bringing her back in contact with his front.
"I like you too much to throw you over." She whispered. He could feel her body heat through their clothes and almost groaned. She carefully pushed back against him. "Course even you gotta admit Steve's one of the finest pieces of man flesh here. Bet even you'd tap that ass, if you had the chance."
He swallowed hard, the thought had never even occurred to him until the moment she said it and then his mind seized on it like a steel trap. He forced the surprising realization to the back of his mind. Bucky nearly growled. He would never make a choice like that. Whatever their relationship was, he would never do that to her. His hand twined in her hair and pulled softly. "Don't matter if I would or not. I'm with you; I won't give you up, not even for Steve." He was suddenly achingly hard and he wasn't sure if it was because of her or not.
Her hand slid between the press of their bodies and grasped him through his jeans. "What if it wasn't either or, what if it was both and?" Her hand stroked him up and down over his jeans. "What if we include Steve in our fun?"
He went perfectly still. His cock rock hard and his mind was almost overwhelmed. He took a deep raspy breath. "Doll…" he groaned softly.
"Hey Lewis! Do you know where Foster put the specs for the…"
Darcy ignored the rest of Stark's question and turned around to face Bucky. "This conversation's not over. We'll talk about this later." She stepped closer to him and whispered. "But just think about it, me pressed between you and Steve. You buried deep inside me as I suck his cock. Or maybe you want him to bend you over and…" He swallowed hard as she continued to whisper all the possibilities. Bucky's pupils were blown wide, the blue of his iris almost overwhelmed, when she finally stepped back.
"Lewis! Quite flirting with the half-crazed former assassin and help us out!" Stark called. She gave Bucky a quick wink and sauntered over to the scientists. Leaving him with a raging hard-on and possibilities that he had never allowed himself to consider before.
Bucky let loose a string of curse words in Russian and left the room. He wandered the halls of the tower. Hours passed and he hardly realized it. He finally made it into his apartment and began researching. When he had a question, he knew he couldn't ask anyone, the internet became the only source material he could delve into without fear of judgment. Darcy would never laugh at him or treat him badly for his questions but he needed an answer and he didn't want it colored by her opinions.
Polyamory, ménage à trois, swinger, triad, open relationship, threesome…
He closed the computer down. He walked the tower aimlessly and ended up in her apartment. He turned off the lights, it was all too much, he was feeling overwhelmed. He allowed himself to shrink in on himself.
He sat in a chair facing the door, absentmindedly playing with a knife. Her door opened and then it shut again. He could hear her out in the hall conversing with JARVIS.
She came in with her taser down by her side, and flipped on the light. He didn't move. She let out a tiny scream of surprise and began to laugh when she realized who it was. "Damn Bucky, you scared the crap out of me!" She shook her head and started to put her taser away.
"Bucky is not here right now." His voice was cold, hard.
The taser came back out. "Okay, then am I talking to the Winter Soldier?"
"Yes and no. For them he was the Asset, the Winter Soldier, but he has broken their programming. I am simply what remains." He had a distinctively Russian accent.
"Okay... Why am I not talking to Bucky?" She came in to the room cautiously still holding the taser in front of her.
"Your taser will do you no good here Milaya. If I wished you harmed the damage already be done." She let out a high-pitched nervous laugh. He sheathed the knife. "You have overwhelmed him. He cannot deal with such stress. So I will deal with it for him."
She shook her head, "I don't understand…"
He leaned forward in the chair; she took a subconscious step back. "Does he not please you? Is he not enough? Is there some reason you wish to bed another man?"
"Oh god no." She dropped the taser and moved to kneel in front of him. She took his hands in hers. "Bucky… Okay so I have massively screwed this up. I really like you. I don't need anyone but you. I just thought…"
He watched her with a detached look. "What Milaya? What did you think?"
"Okay I get that this is some kind of defense mechanism but I really need to talk to Bucky right now." She stood and began to pace.
His body language, his mannerisms, and even the sound of his voice were different. "If you wish to bed another I could accommodate you. I assure you it would be very satisfying." He stood and stalked towards her.
In her pacing, she hadn't noticed his silent movements until he had cornered her. She looked up and he could see the fear and the desire in her eyes. "I know you Milaya. The Captain would bore you. You crave darkness. You push him, rougher, harder, faster." He punctuated each word by moving closer. He trapped her against the wall, his arms caging her. He leaned in, his nose just slightly grazing her ear. "Let me give you that darkness Milaya."
Her pupils were blown wide and her breath coming in pants. She shook her head. "This is wrong. You're not Bucky." She pushed on him trying to make him back up.
He didn't move. "Neither is the Captain, but you desire to include him in your bed sport." She tried to push him away again. "I know you desire this, you desire me. Your body responds to me even as you protest. You desire me. He is weak. He is used to women from so long ago, meek and mild little lambs. I will push him down until he no longer exists and you can have me instead. He is not capable of handling a modern woman."
She crossed her arms and frowned at him. "Bullshit."
He cocked an eyebrow in surprise.
"I call bullshit. He and I have an awesome thing going." She pushed on him again and this time he stepped back slightly. She looked him straight in the eyes as though she could draw Bucky out by a simple look. "Bucky. I really like you. You are a good man. You are not this anymore. I want you, not this crazy motherfucker. Put him down, break out, push through whatever he's doing to hold you back. But I don't wanna talk to this asshole anymore." She leaned back against the wall and waited.
Something deep inside him stirred and he fought against it. Pressing his body more fully against her. His accent deepened his words almost incomprehensible. "I could take what I want."
"No, I don't think you can. You mock Bucky's choice to be an honorable man but he treats me like a lady. It's the first time a guy's ever cared that much to be so good to me. He is the best lover I've ever had. You might be really good, but it would be cold and calculating cause there aren't any feelings behind it. You can't just take me against my wishes. He won't let you. He's stronger than you are because he is the better man. So back the fuck off." She shoved at him and he staggered back.
When he looked back up at her, she could see Bucky again. She rushed to him but he pulled away. She tried to speak but he raised his hand. She went quiet. He walked over, snatched her taser from the floor where she'd dropped it, and returned it to her.
"Hang on to that. Still not feeling real stable." His voice was rough and gravelly.
"I won't use it on you." She said softly as she sat on one end of the couch.
He shook his head and sat heavily in one of her armchairs. "If he comes back again, use it. I know what he was thinking and it wasn't nice." He grimaced at his shaking hands. He looked up to see her worried expression.
"I won't use it on you," she repeated.
"Darce… Doll…" his voice cracked and he hated it. A terrible headache was beginning at the base of his skull. He buried his face in his hands. He should leave; she would be safer if he wasn't around. He heard the taser clatter to the floor. "Darcy—"
"No," she said quietly but firmly. Her tone of voice made him finally look up. He could see the anger written in every line of her body.
Anger he could deal with, anger he could accept, understand. "I'll leave." Better to remove himself lest the soldier take over again.
"No! Dammit!" she growled. "You are not that… that… well whatever the hell just happened. But even if 'he' did come back, I won't use the taser, because that would hurt you." An anguished look passed over her. "But I've already hurt you haven't I? Bucky, I am so sorry. I wish I had never said anything about Steve."
He knew she was poised for an epic ramble but he found he didn't have the strength to fight her. He sat slumped in the chair as she went on.
"Look, I've watched all of the old news reel footage of you guys and I thought maybe there had been some old unresolved feelings between the two of you. I thought maybe I could kinda help out. I didn't think it was going to upset you so much. I don't want to give you up, and you've been so good to me. I really like you maybe even love you but I wanted you to have Steve if that was who you wanted. I've seen the looks that you two give each other when you think no one is looking. Steve wants you as bad as you want him. And I… I… well, I've had a little crush on him since I was a girl. I just thought we could, I don't know have… or rather we could… Forget it. I don't have to be a part of it." She dropped her head as she blushed. "I know back in the 30's and 40's it was illegal, I thought that maybe now that that wasn't an issue, and if you knew the truth about Steve wanting you too, I thought that maybe Steve would be the one you really wanted. I know you said you wouldn't give me up for him but if you knew how he felt about you, if you two had a chance… I just, I just wanted you to have whomever you really wanted… I want you to be happy... even if it's not with me…" Her voice tapered off to a whisper.
He finally looked up at her. Her head was in her hands and she was blushing fiercely. He sighed heavily. "Oh doll." She looked up and he could see the tracks her tears had made down her red cheeks. "I ain't gonna lie. As my memories have come back, there's been a lot a feelings that have surfaced. Stuff I couldn't act on back in the day. Right now, I'm with you. What you're suggesting, it would be incredible, but I just don't know if the punk would be comfortable with a one off." His voice grew quiet. "And I don't know if I could handle it being only a one-time thing. I want to have you both. At the same time. God help me, my good catholic Momma must be rolling in her grave, just one more sin to add to my list, but I'd want to keep you… both of you." A heavy weight lifted from his shoulders with his confession.
She gave a shuddery sigh. "Both? You'd want to keep us both?"
"Polyamory." Her ramble had opened his eyes. He gave her a wicked look, "What do ya think doll?"
She nodded in mute agreement.
He held out his hand to her and she left the couch and crawled into his lap. She ended sitting on his thighs with her knees deep in the cushion on either side of his hips. He held her tightly and buried his face in her hair. While this hadn't been their first disagreement, it was the first time the remnant of the soldier had come into play. "M'gonna have Stark make you a stronger taser." He lifted her head and stared into her eyes. "This ever happens again, you use it." She began to protest. "No you use it. If nothing else maybe it'll knock some sense into me."
She finally nodded.
"Good, M'glad that's settled." He needed to know she would be safe even if that included being safe from him.
She smiled softly at him. His eyes were drawn to her slightly swollen lips. She been chewing on them again. He ran the pad of his thumb over her lower lip. The tip of her tongue darted out and touched his thumb for a brief second. He bit back a groan and she wiggled on his lap, pressing her soft thighs against him. "Now why don't you tell me some more of those ideas you got for what were gonna do once we convince Stevie to join us."
She grinned crookedly at him and trailed her hands up to rest on his shoulders. "Well, the first thing I'd like to see is just the two of you kissing. Your hands trailing all over his big soft muscles. Cause yeah maybe you're a little smaller than him but you're way harder, firmer." Her hands skated over the firm planes of his chest and abdomen. "Then I'll get involved. I want to taste Steve on you. I want to be pressed between the two of you as you grip his ass. Want to have his big hands all over me as you make me come with your mouth. I want to see you behind him popping his last cherry while I make myself come with my fingers. I want to feel you both come inside me at the same time."
"Sonovabitch!" he growled and pulled her to him, ravishing her filthy mouth. He could feel her smirk, and all he wanted in that moment was to be inside her. He stood, holding her to him and walked quickly to her room, ripping both of their clothes away as he continued to savage her mouth. By the time, he dropped them both to her bed they were both naked and she was sopping wet. He lined up with her sodden core and thrust in. She threw her head back and moaned.
"Gonna pound you into this mattress doll. Gonna make sure you can't walk straight for a week." He pulled out and thrust in sharply. "Then we're gonna figure out how to get Stevie in here. You know that super serum made him bigger everywhere. I wanna see you ride his cock. I wanna see you suck him off." She gasped and he began to fuck her in earnest. He kept talking, his speech broken and littered with gasps and moans.
She took every bit of it. She took his aggression, his hardness, his self-loathing and she kept it. She made him the better man. Her belief in him had broken him but her unwavering support had helped to rebuild him.
He slowed as she tightened around him the first time. Her body arched beneath him and his thrusts grew deep and rough but slow, dragging out her orgasm and propelling her into another.
When her eyes fluttered and opened, he smirked. "Like that, did ya?"
She nodded. "Yeah." She titled her hips and thrust back against him. "Do it again."
He did again and again and again.
They had sex, made love, fucked, for hours that night. And soon, though he wasn't sure how, they were going to bring Steve in here and show him how much they both wanted him.
Notes: This is a follow-up to the story Playfighting with Bucky.
I had a hard time writing from Bucky's perspective, but I needed to be able to see him in this. I did a lot of research on PTSD and I still feel that would barely begin to explain or describe the hell he's been through and has to try to come back from. I feel he's kinda unstable but he's working his way to something good. I hope I kinda portray all that here.