Tag: Grace and Chimera Summary: Sam had never really stopped to wonder if she was happy.
Happiness and its existence had never really affected Sam's life. She had a job that she enjoyed and that was important. Everything else had no real consequence. She never thought of herself as unhappy, she just was.
Somewhere, subconsciously she must have known that what she had was not true happiness. She had said so much, subconsciously in the form of her father. Now she wondered, was she happy? She had definitely been happy to get off the ship and out of the Grace-Cloud, but her happiness at seeing the rest of her team was tinged with the cloying taste of self-doubt.
Her father, or rather she, had told herself that she deserved happiness, deserved to be loved. Maybe it was time she stopped clinging to the safe bet and took a leap of faith.
She thought she had too, he was a cop, someone who understood the danger of being in the line of duty. She asked herself if she was happy, and she thought that she was. He loved her, he was spontaneous, and he told her that she was smart, beautiful, and funny. She told herself that she was happy, in love even. Something that she knew, deep down, that she deserved.
She told herself that she was happy when she agreed to marry him, telling herself that finally she'd have the chance to be a wife. A mother. She told herself that she was happy to avoid the doubts. When the ring weighed on her finger she told herself that it was safer in its box, protecting her delusions of happiness. She told herself that he made her happy when deep brown, soul searching eyes bored into her own azure orbs, probing deep to find the truth.
When her illusions of happiness shattered around her, she understood that she had not been happy, she didn't know what happy was. Doing what she had to for herself only made her miserable. Happiness had never seemed so far away. She threw herself back into her work, immersing herself in the task of defeating the Goa'uld. She became a shadow of herself, her smile wasn't as bright, her enjoyment of her work seemed to pale, though her commitment grew. Step by step they same closer to victory, until finally the battle was over.
The ensuing celebrations rushed around her, and she wondered again if this was happiness. They had finally accomplished what they had set out to do. Earth was safe, and the hundreds of worlds in their galaxy were safe as well. She still didn't think that she had that elusive happiness that she had set out for five years ago.
He was leaving? Her mind whirled at the thought. Not seeing him, sharing a moment when no one saw or noticed. Her rock, her 'safe bet' was leaving. Sent away to a world of politics that he hated.
"You are no longer under my command, Colonel Carter." His deep voice drove through the haze of surprise. "Do you understand?" Her eyes widened every so slowly as the implications dawned on her.
"General?" She hardly dared whisper. The lightest of touches, calloused fingertip against rose lips silenced her.
"Carter..." He murmured, eyes dark, hope shining through. "Sam... are you happy?" And in that brief instant, she felt a warmth spread through her and her smile dazzled him.
Now she knew what happy felt like.
FIN