TITLE: A Knife in my Heart
AUTHOR: Anansay
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Post Too Tough To Die
NOTES: A take on the meaning of Grissom's expression when Sara leaves after commenting on his lack of feelings.
A Knife in my Heart
By Anansay
Like a knife in the heart.
I do feel things.
And it hurts.
Really hurts.
She doesn't see it. I don't let her see it. I can't let her see it. I need to be strong. For her. For them. I need to show a front of strength for them to lean on.
I can't show it.
But I do feel it. As acutely as she does. As strong as anything else. It hits home. It stays there, lodged in my heart for ever more. But she can't know that.
It's tearing me apart inside. But she can't know that.
Why can't she see it? I wish I could tell her. Let her know.
So many times, I watch her. Endless hours before a computer screen, pouring over information. Seeking that one bit that would blow the case wide open. So tenacious. So obstinate. She pushes forward until she breaks down. Until she has nothing left to give to anyone, even herself.
I see her pain. It mirrors my own.
I feel her pain. It pulsates in time with my own.
I want to go to her. Hold her. Tell her she is fine. She is good. She is going to make it.
I see her tearing herself apart at the seams, trying to fit everything into her tiny, emaciated frame. I see her making herself sick whenever she hits a brick wall, banging away, screaming in absolute frustration, the tears falling unbidden down her pained face. I want to wipe away those tears, hold her close, take the pain away.
But I can't.
I need her strength. I need her to be solid and stable.
I hurts too much to see her in pain.
She feels so much, and yet claims I feel nothing. Like a dagger to my heart, her words struck me.
I push her to her limits, make her see that she cannot do it all. She pushes me to my limits, tries to make me see there's more to life than evidence.
Can she not that I am as human as her? That I, too, feel?
Can she not see that?
Can she not feel it?
Have I perfected that art of delusion to the point where she believes me to be such a callous person?
Oh, my sweet, beautiful Sara, you have no idea…