Fear. A word that shouldn't have meant anything to him. A word. Just a word with no literal substance. Fear is what drove him to where he was now. If he hadn't been afraid of living without his mother, none of this would've happened. If he hadn't pushed his little brother to do the transmutation, then he wouldn't be in a suit of armor.
He had fear.
Every human being had fears, yet to many it seemed that the Fullmetal Alchemist did not. But that was the Fullmetal Alchemist...not Edward Elric. He hid behind a mask of confidence, when inside he was still a boy. A scared boy who had no one but his brother left. His little brother. The one who was just a soul in a shell of metal. Bound by the blood. His blood. He had done that all out of fear. He had hated his father out of fear. Fear that he would never come home, and fear because of him his mother died. He shoved the blame on someone else every time.
But not this time.
No, he was the one who did this. The monstrosity he turned his little brother into. The 'monster' that no one wanted to talk to or even come within five feet of. The 'thing' that looked ready for war.
He had done it, and now his little brother, the only thing he had left going for him, hated him. With all his being.
He saw the cold glare that his brother's eyes shot towards him. The red, seemingly emotionless glare. So cold, and void of any mercy. It ripped his heart to pieces, and suddenly he felt like he was a small boy all over again. The useless boy who couldn't do anything. The one who dragged them into this wild chase of a journey. The one who burned down his home so he could reassure himself that he had nothing to turn back to. The one that didn't even keep his promises to his mother. Yes. That boy.
He promised to protect his brother, no matter what.
He couldn't cry. It was just shockingly empty. And all Edward really needed to know, was that his brother didn't hate him for his deed. The taboo that he had broken. He wouldn't have fought back if his brother hated him. He would've just been broken. And once again...useless. Alphonse felt nothing. He couldn't eat, sleep, or even feel pain. It made Edward flinch every time he thought about it. The nightmares that haunted him...they were coming true. And he did nothing about it, watching his brother run away.
"I hate you!" Those words rung in his ears. Suddenly the world around him turned grey. Nothing. He had nothing left. Everything he had in his hands slipped through his fingers and shattered. It felt just like the time that his little brother had vanished. Taken by the Gate. Only this time...Alphonse left willingly.
He was alone. All over again. And nothing would mend his heart.