Christmas With the Jokers
"Excuse you, creep!" snapped Poison Ivy, resisting the urge to punch the man who had just run into her without a word of apology. She didn't know what it was about the holidays that made people so rude and aggressive. Well, she was beginning to figure it out, she thought, as another fellow shopper knocked against her without apologizing. This Christmas shopping was a nightmare, enough to make anyone lose their temper. She didn't even know why she bothered facing the crowds – she didn't really have anyone to buy for, aside from Harley and Selina. And this Christmas she intended to spend very much like last Christmas – all alone, relaxing and pampering herself with a nice hot bath and a full body massage. Let other people stress over the holidays. Ivy didn't have any loved ones making her life a living hell, and it was always at Christmas that she was most grateful for that. People were more trouble than they were worth, especially when you had to be around them.
She cursed humanity in general again as she pushed through the crowd of people and entered the department store. She was kinda disappointed nobody had recognized her yet – that always tended to clear away the crowds. Maybe if she summoned a few of her plants to burst through the floor and start strangling a couple people, the footfall would thin out. She was seriously considering doing that – all the noise was starting to give her a headache. Between people shouting to each other and talking on their phones and the screaming children, she could barely hear herself think.
"Oh please buy me that, Daddy! I want it! Please, please, please!" came an annoying voice. Ivy sighed, rolling her eyes. Kids today were such spoiled, whiny brats.
The voice continued, "I really, really want it, Daddy! Please, please, please, please, please! I'll be a really, really good girl later!"
"I ain't paying for that, you greedy brat, so just shut your goddamn mouth, would ya?!" snapped a voice in response, a voice Ivy recognized with a sudden start. She turned the corner and saw the Joker and Harley Quinn standing by a shelf full of candy, with Harley tugging at Joker's arm pleadingly.
"But Daddy, I want it! Please, please, please, please…"
"All right, if it'll shut you up!" he shouted, grabbing a giant lollipop off the shelf and thrusting it at her. "Here, you whiny brat!"
Harley shrieked in happiness, clapping her hands and throwing her arms around his neck, kissing him. "Aw, Mr. J, you're the greatest!" she exclaimed. Then she ripped the plastic off the lollipop and began licking it enthusiastically.
The crowd was very thin around the two of them, and people were clearly trying not to stare. Harley did a fairly good job blending in with normal people, aside from the fact that she was wearing a pink shirt that was clearly a couple sizes too small for her and read Daddy's Little Princess across the front. Her blonde hair was done up in pigtails to complete the impression of a child. But it was impossible for the Joker to pass for an everyday shopper, and even the holiday crowds gave him a fair amount of distance, only daring to glance at him uneasily.
Harley looked up at that moment to see Ivy gaping at them in astonishment. "Red!" she cried, her face lighting up as she rushed to hug her. "What a swell surprise! What are you doing here?"
"Christmas shopping, the same as you guys, I guess," replied Ivy, recovering from her shock.
"Actually, we only came out to get a lightbulb," replied Joker, coming over to them. "I shoved Harley into the lamp and her face shattered it. But pumpkin wanted to look at the Christmas toys since we were already here. And I just can't say no to those big baby blues, can I, pooh bear?" he asked, tilting her chin up.
She giggled and kissed him. "I guess not, Mr. J," she murmured, licking her lollipop again and grinning. "Anyway, I need some ideas about what to ask Santa for. He spoils me so much the rest of the year that it's sometimes hard to find stuff you want at Christ…oooh, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she rushed over to a shelf full of stuffed animals. She picked up a giant stuffed dog and bounded back over to them, looking up at Joker pleadingly. "Can I have him, puddin'? Can I please? He's just so soft and cuddly! Please, please, please, please…"
"You already got a million stuffed animals, kid, they take up half the bed!" retorted Joker.
"But just feel how snuggly this one is, Mr. J!" whined Harley. "Don't he just make you wanna squeeze and squeeze him until his head pops off?" She squealed and clutched the toy to her, beaming in happiness.
Joker snatched it out of her hands and put it back on the shelf. "Just wait and see what Santa brings you, ok, kiddo?" he snapped.
"But I want it, Mr. J!" whined Harley, stamping her foot.
"And I said no!" he shouted. "Now behave yourself or you'll get a spanking from Daddy!"
She folded her arms across her chest, scrunching up her face in annoyance. "You wouldn't dare spank me in front of all these people, Mr. J!" she snapped.
In response, he seized her in his arms and turned her around, then spanked her hard several times. Harley shrieked in delight. "Oh, Mr. J!" she cried, clearly loving it.
He released her and shoved her away. "There. I hope you've learned your lesson about acting like a spoiled brat."
"I'm not sure I did, puddin'," she breathed, gazing at him in adoration. "You wanna go home and punish your little girl some more?"
"Not before we pick up this goddamn lightbulb," he retorted, grabbing her arm and pulling her away from the toy section. "So what are your plans for the holidays, Pammie?" he asked Ivy, as they walked toward the electrical section, Harley struggling to get free and back to the toys. "Got a lot of family and friends to see, no doubt?"
"Nope," replied Ivy. "Not a one. I'm spending Christmas pampering myself."
"What, all alone?" asked Harley, suddenly horrified. "Aw, Red, that's the saddest thing I ever heard! All alone over Christmas! Geez, you must really feel like you've failed at life during the holidays!"
"Why would I feel like that?" asked Ivy, puzzled.
"Well, y'know, Christmas is when you celebrate all that's great about having lots of people who love you, especially that special someone who loves you," murmured Harley, nuzzling Joker's face. "To have no one to be with over Christmas, it's like…it's like you ain't got nothing."
"You're right, Harley, it means I don't have any stress or anxiety or problems," retorted Ivy. "No difficult family to put up with, no demanding relationship to worry about, no bunch of tricky friends to buy presents for. I can just relax and take it easy like people are meant to on holidays."
Harley shrugged. "You can look at it that way if you want, Red. But personally I just feel sorry for you."
"Thank you, Harley," retorted Ivy, sarcastically. "I really appreciate your sympathy."
They had reached the electrical section and Joker began looking for bulbs. "Puddin'," began Harley, slowly. "Couldn't Red…spend Christmas with us?"
"No!" Joker and Ivy both snapped at exactly the same time.
"No, really, it's ok, Harley," retorted Ivy, hastily. "I'm really, really looking forward to spending it on my own. Really."
"Aw, but Red, it'll ruin my Christmas if I have to think about you sitting in your hideout all alone," murmured Harley. "I'll just be too sad for you to enjoy any of my presents. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it!"
And she sobbed, embracing Joker tightly and crying into his chest. "Look, pooh, Pammie's said she's perfectly happy spending Christmas on her own," he said, patting her head gently. "If she's fine with it, why aren't you?"
"Because," sobbed Harley, "Red always puts on such a brave face about everything, but I can tell she's really heartbroken and lonely deep down inside. I just know she'd secretly love to spend Christmas with us, puddin'!"
"No, I really wouldn't," snapped Ivy. "The last time I stayed with you two I ended up wanting to murder you. And that would really spoil Christmas for you, wouldn't it, Harley?"
"Nah, not really," retorted Harley. "Mr. J usually tries to kill me every year, in fact. Kinda our running Christmas gag, ain't it, puddin'?"
"She calls it a gag; I call it hope," he retorted.
"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" sighed Harley, kissing his cheek. "C'mon, Red, it would be really fun for us all to spend Christmas together!"
"No, it would not be fun!" snapped Ivy. "Nothing involving the three of us is ever fun! J and I hate each other, I hate the way you act when you're around him, and you hate the fact that we hate each other! It's never going to end well, Harley! And I don't want to be dreading the holidays just like everyone else on the planet does! So please just drop this and let me spend Christmas on my own!"
Harley shrugged. "Fine. Just trying to be nice," she sniffed. "You let me know if you change your mind, Red."
"Oh, believe me, I won't," retorted Ivy, firmly.
"You will still come to our party, though, won't you?" asked Harley. "Y'know, Mr. J's usual big Christmas Eve bash?"
"Actually, I was thinking of skipping it this year if it's all the same to you," replied Ivy. "Harvey's going to be there, isn't he? I don't want things being awkward between us to ruin the party atmosphere."
"I thought things were ok between you after the break-up," said Harley, frowning. "Because it was a mutual decision by two mature adults, right? That's what you told me."
"Yeah, that's before I realized he was a jerk," retorted Ivy. "We thought it would be fine if we worked together on a job, but when the Bat showed up to stop us, Harvey flipped a coin and split, leaving me to deal with Batsy on my own. I've only just broken out of Arkham and I'm not forgiving Harvey for that."
"Aw, it ain't his fault, Red, he's just completely psychologically dependent on that coin," said Harley. "It's an obsessive compulsion, nothing he can control. He's not responsible for his actions."
"Thank you, Little Miss Shrink," snapped Ivy. "But I'm not letting him off that easily. People have to take responsibility for their behavior, even when they have compulsions. If being repeatedly locked up in Arkham has taught me anything, it's taught me that."
"It's taught me that there are 7,821 ways to break out of it that I've discovered so far," chuckled Joker. "And that they scrape the bottom of the qualification barrel when they hire shrinks."
"I was a shrink at Arkham, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, scowling at him.
"And didn't you just put all those other losers to shame, my clever little cupcake?" cooed Joker, patting her head affectionately. "Who's Daddy's favorite little doctor?"
"Me!" shrieked Harley, clapping her hands in excitement. "Is it me, Mr. J?"
"No, it's Hush," he retorted. Her face fell in disappointment. "Of course it's you, you dumb blonde!" he exclaimed, laughing. She squeaked and hugged him tightly.
"It would have been a boring place to spend the holidays," continued Ivy. "The only other people in there at the moment are Croc, Nygma, and the Ventriloquist. And I didn't want to spend Christmas talking to either of the three dummies."
"Nice gag, Pammie," said Joker, grinning.
"I had a lot of time to think it up," she replied. "Anyway, I hope you won't be too offended if I don't come to your party this year."
Harley stared at her, tears forming in her eyes. "Doncha like us anymore, Red?" she murmured.
"Of course I like you, Harley," replied Ivy, soothingly. "But I can't really say the same for anyone else who's going to be at the party."
"Aw, c'mon, Red, you like Johnny Crane, he's a sweetheart!" exclaimed Harley. "And Jervis Tetch, he's a nice guy! And Victor Fries is coming – he's always fun to talk to, except if you mention his wife, then it's all 'Nora' this and 'Nora' that. Guy's got a real unhealthy obsession. But Selina will be there. Oh, and Basil Karlo – he's a laugh riot! You remember last year when he did his Batman impression?"
"I remember J was so convinced by it that he ended up trying to stab him with a toasting fork," retorted Ivy. "So then he and Karlo got into a fight and knocked the tree over and set the carpet on fire. And then we had to spend about half an hour freezing outside in the snow while Victor tried to freeze the blaze, only for us all to be caught at last by the real Bat and dragged back to Arkham."
"Yeah, it was a good party last year!" chuckled Joker.
"Like I said, I'm trying to avoid excitement and incarceration this year," retorted Ivy. "So thanks for the invite, but no thanks, Harley."
"Aw, but Red, it won't be the same without you!" cried Harley. "You gotta come, you just gotta! Please, please, please, please, please? For me?"
"Harley…"
"You gotta come, Red!" she sobbed. "Or the whole party will be ruined! Make her come, Mr. J!" she shouted, rounding on him.
Joker grinned. "Pammie, if you don't come to the party, I'll have old Bas come as you and see that he makes a total fool of you in front of everyone. Might even convince him to do a real melodramatic performance and have you fall down on your knees and beg Harvey to take you back."
"You wouldn't dare!" hissed Ivy.
"I really don't think you want to challenge me, Pammie," replied Joker, smiling.
"I won't be blackmailed into coming to your stupid party!" shouted Ivy.
"I think you just have been," retorted Joker. "Game, set, and match, Weed Lady."
"Oh, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms. "Oh, you're the greatest, puddin'!"
"We'll see you Christmas Eve then, shall we, Pammie?" grinned Joker.
She nodded reluctantly. "Fine. But I'm leaving early."
"Thanks, Red, it really means a lot to me that you'll be there," said Harley, beaming at her. "I know it's still a few weeks away, but me and Mr. J have got a lotta work to do to prepare for it. So we'd better get home and get started, right, puddin'?" she asked, turning to him.
"Sure, kiddo, let's beat it," said Joker, taking the lightbulb from the shelf and heading for the exit with Harley following him, resuming licking her lollipop.
"Excuse me, sir, are you going to pay for those?" asked a voice. They turned to see a security guard standing behind them, whose face sank in horror as he realized who he had just stopped.
Joker smiled at him. "Do I look like the kinda guy who pays for stuff, sport?"
"Teach him a lesson, Mr. J," murmured Harley, licking her lollipop.
"Stop telling me what to do, you dumb broad!" snapped Joker, rounding on her and snatching the lollipop away. Harley shrieked and jumped to grab it back, but he pulled it away just in time, sending her hurtling into the security guard. She knocked him over and then grabbed the gun at his belt, spinning around and pointing it at Joker.
"Give it back!" she shrieked.
"Make me!" he chuckled, rushing out of the store. Harley raced after him, firing bullets at him. She chased him through the mall, shooting the gun erratically and hitting stray shoppers, all of whom were panicking and fleeing the mall in the chaos. Joker suddenly stopped, laughing and holding up his hands. "Wait, wait, I've got a great one, kid!" he exclaimed as Harley pointed the gun at him. "Christmas shopping is murder these days!"
He laughed hysterically. Harley didn't. "Why ain't you laughing?" he snapped.
"You've used that one before, Mr. J," replied Harley.
He stopped laughing abruptly, his face darkening. "I don't reuse jokes, Harley," he retorted.
"Yeah, you just did, you used it a couple months back…"
"I don't reuse jokes, Harley!" he shouted, suddenly furious.
"Hey, I can't help that you're getting forgetful in your old age!" retorted Harley.
"In my…what?" demanded Joker.
"In your old age," she repeated. "Now give me back my lollipop, grandpa, or it won't be funny!"
He glared back at her. She cocked the gun, but he suddenly seized her wrist and spun her around, spanking her hard several times. "You don't talk to me like that, you little brat!" he shouted.
He released her and she immediately threw herself into his arms, kissing him passionately. "C'mon, puddin', let's go home," she whispered.
"Thanks for clearing out the crowds, Harley!" called Ivy, waving after them. "See you on Christmas Eve!"
She went back to her shopping in the empty mall with a smile on her face. At least the clowns were good for something.