A View From Three Rooms
Or
"Always on Your Side"
A/N: Please, for as many tears as I have cried writing this story while listening to the song, you owe it to yourself if you are reading this to listen to it…It's by Sheryl Crow and Sting…
Dedicated to someone whom I will always love. I'm so sorry for not knowing what to say to you, but I feel so much for you all at once that I have no words…I'm sorry for hurting you…
The Room for Leaving
My yesterdays are all boxed up,
And neatly put away.
But every now and then you come to mind.
I gently fold the last article to be placed in my trunk, and behind the tears, a smile forms as I caress the handkerchief embroidered with your initials in the corner.
You gave it to me back in my second year; which was, I'm sure, nothing beyond an innocent, worried notion. You sat down at the end of the bed in the hospital wing and watched my petrified form, hope and silence the only other visitors present.
You wiped away your own tears with the cloth, even then not allowing your emotions to pour out completely and without restraint.
With the grace of a swan you left the damp cloth under my pillow, and with the courage of a lion you left to go about the weary days, knowing that I would have a small piece of comfort when I woke…
But when I finally did, I found more than comfort from that fabric; I discovered a desire to be close to you…It wasn't until later that I would learn 'desire' and 'logic' destroy one another, and with them goes your heart as well.
Because you were always waiting
To be picked to play the game…
But when your name was called,
You found a place to hide.
As I close my trunk, I gaze out of the dormitory window to catch a glimpse of a blooming ivy scaling the castle wall, and I think of how much my feelings changed for you…
My desire grew from a bud to a flower in the course of a year, and I found myself consumed in my own thoughts about you.
When I handed back my time-turner, I observed only the look on your face as I did so. It was as if you wished me to turn back to where you were sic decades ago, to where we could be students together…But maybe I was only reading what I wanted to see printed, because when I kissed you, you couldn't even tell me to leave, your anger and embarrassment too great for words. So I went, seeing it as the only solution left for us.
When you knew that I was always on your side.
But you had to know that I didn't want to leave you…And I still don't.
The Room of Longing
But everything was easy then,
So sweet and innocent…
But my demons and my angels reappeared.
I tiredly shrug off my emerald school robes and trade them for my favorite tartan night gown, the very same, in fact, that I wore the night I left you my handkerchief over five years ago.
It was simple enough, to tell myself that you needed it more than I, to justify it by the thought of it being a comfort to you.
But as I left, I felt more than just as a worried mentor, or a nurturing matron, something that, for the first time, overwhelmed and frightened me into confusion. However, it would be some time before I realized 'fright' and 'want' would never exist together…And apparently neither could we…
Leaving only traces
of the man you thought I'd be,
Too afraid to hear the words
I'd always feared.
As I let my hair down, I stare at my cup of tea with about as much interest as I did when it sat before me discussing the return of your time-turner. I think of how cold it must be, and I shudder, the memory flooding over my body.
You sat before me, handing me the hourglass, and the only thing I could do was think of how much I wished you could go further back…
You kissed me, and I froze…froze, just as my cup of tea, frigid with the terror of what you might say next…Or myself, for that matter.
Leaving you with only questions all these years.
And I'm so sorry, for not being able to say anything…so terribly sorry. I always will be.
The Room for Losing
Is there some place far away
Some place where all is clear
Easy to start over
With the ones you hold so dear?
Or are you left to wonder,
All alone eternally…
This isn't how it's really meant to be.
No it isn't how it's really meant to be.
Well they say that love is in the air,
Never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay.
Butterflies are free to fly,
And so they fly away
And are left to carry on and wonder why…
Even through it all, I'm always on your side.
The next day, at graduation in the Great Hall, I think of how many of you are going…But I only really ponder on how you seem to be leaving more than a place, leaving me. But it's so strange, to lose something you've never held.
It's a surreal feeling, to know that something that never really existed can still cause more pain than four stunners to the chest…
You will start something later on in your life, beautiful no doubt…I can only wonder if that could have been me, starting it with you…But I just can't ask that of you.
Is there some place far away
Some place where all is clear
Easy to start over
With the ones you hold so dear?
Or are you left to wonder,
All alone eternally…
This isn't how it's really meant to be.
No it isn't how it's really meant to be.
Well they say that love is in the air,
Never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay.
Butterflies are free to fly,
Why do they fly away?
Leaving me to carry on and wonder why…
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life?
When you knew that I was always on your side.
I can't believe I'm leaving this school, and I don't want to believe that I am leaving you. I keep thinking that this is all wrong, that somehow afterward we will just be leaving together to somewhere where it is only us.
It cannot be…I am supposed to feel happy right now, but all I feel is a sad, empty ache…
Please know, if anything, please…
You are the only thing I could never understand, but that I loved you greater than I ever thought possible.
…And I am always, always on your side…