Inside Resident Evil: Zero

"Rebecca?" Billy said as he was awakening from the train crash. "HOLY SHIT!" After noticing that he was almost zombie food, Billy quickly got up and rushed to the other side of the burning room. "Time to take out the trash!" He said right before he killed the previously-killed people. "Okaaaaaay…" He said to himself as he looked around the room for his partner Rebecca. "Where are you?"

"Billy." A soft voice from a corner said. "You okay?" It was Rebecca (I'm sure you knew that. I was just telling you incase you are a complete idiot… you never know!).

"Couple of bruises." Billy answered. "You?"

"My arm hurts like a mofo." Rebecca stated as she walked toward her associate.

After looking at her for less than 2 seconds Billy said, "Well, no wonder, dumbass." With his extreme kindness. "You dislocated your shoulder! Here, lemme fix it for you."

"Wait!" Rebecca yelled. "You aren't gonna touch it, are you!"

"Well, I kinda have to." He said, and then chased her around the room for about 5 minutes trying to grab her. "Gotchya!" He exclaimed as he finally got a hold of her.

Once he finally put her shoulder back into place, Rebecca screamed. Now, I'm saying that she did a little "ahhhhh!" She was more like, "AHHHHHHH!" Which everyone could here. In fact, at that very moment, a little Chinese prostitute named Su-Ji said, "slidghbn;iodgjeotnh;iosrtghoj." Which obviously means, "What the hell is that noise!" In the middle of… work. Wink, wink. And I'll tell you something, Rebecca and Billy weren't exactly in China.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" Rebecca said, screaming more.

Billy was just laughing. "Does it feel better now?"

"OF COURSE IT DOESN-" She stopped for a second and moved her arm around. "… Shut up……… Soooooo, how'd we get here?"

"Well," Billy started fancily. "The train we were on crashed and brought us to a mysterious room where all of the items that were on the train are somehow in front of us now."

Rebecca just stared at him thinking, "Who talks like that?"

"Okay, so do you wanna go through that door over there, or do you wanna wait a little while?"

"I kinda wanna wait a little bit," Rebecca replied. "if it's okay with you."

"Of course it's okay with me!" Billy said excitedly. "I mean, look at all the herbs around here!"

Rebecca got a big, devilish smile across her face. "Are you thinkin what I'm thinkin?"

An image of Rebecca in the nude is what was the main thing on Billy's mind. But he just shook his head like there was a bug in his ear and said, "Let's smoke some potaweeda!" Which was also on his mind.

As I'm sure you know, in Resident Evil you can heal yourself with herbs. But when I think herbs, I think potaweeda (potaweeda is my word for marijuana). So for the next couple of hours, Rebecca and Billy had a jolly-good time getting stoned.

"Hey, hey Billy!" Rebecca said in a dazed voice. "How come spaces out wwwhen I touch this flame spaces out it doesn't hurt my hand!"

"Because man," Billy started to answer, "the government doesn't want you to think that you can get hurt, man! And… laughs uncontrollably…………….. What was I talkin about?"

"And, and Billy?"

"………………."

"BILLY!"

"Oh! Sorry… what?"

"How, how come… when I try to walk through the fire… it's like… solid, man?"

"Because man!" Billy started again. "The government, man! They want you to think that EVERYTHING'S solid, man! So………….. What was I talkin about, again?"

After the oh, so responsible policewoman and the serial killer sobered up, they finally went through a door which was in the room that led to a sewer.

"OH MY GOD!" Rebecca yelled after stepping into the sewer. "WHAT IS THAT SMELL!"

Billy just laughed. "It's a sewer, dumbass."

They both stepped into the… water and started their extremely short journey to the mansion… They don't know that's where they were going.

Once they arrived at the mansion, Billy saw a typewriter. "Hey, Rebecca! Do you have any ink ribbons?"

"Why, is there a typewriter?"

"Yeah, I wanna save the game… I mean!… record our jouney…" Billy put the ink ribbon in the typewriter, typed "BILLY WAS HERE", and walked over to Rebecca. "Let's investigate!"

After a while of looking through the mansion, Billy and Rebecca found a room with a giant chess set. "Hey, Rebecca," Billy said, "wanna play chess?"

"Let's check out the room first." As Rebecca walked over to a desk that was in the room, she saw that something on it was glowing. "Hey, something over here's glowing." She told Billy. "It's a diary…" She picked it up and looked at it. Then read it out loud.

"'Oct. 22

Today we created a new virus! I'm the happiest camper in the whole campsite!… I mean… laboratory. We call it the T-Virus. You'll never guess what T stands for. It stands for twit! That made me and my associate/BFF Spencer laugh so hard we almost wet our pants!… Well, I did a little.

Oct. 25

I'm so sad. Our virus only works on rodents. We want it to work on people. Once it does, we'll set up the best prank ever! I'm extra sad because Spencer's mad at me. He thinks it's my fault the virus isn't working. I made him a friendship bracelet, so maybe he won't be mad at me anymore.

Oct. 30

At last, the virus works on leeches! I was up until dawn working, and now it works on something other than my rat, Jeff! Now Spencer will have to forgive me. The Holloween prank tomorrow won't completely as planned. But maybe instead of injecting the guys at work with the virus, we could just put the leeches in their desks. Hopefully my creations wont get hurt. I love those little leeches. they are like my children.

Nov. 1

Well, I haven't talked to the guys at work, but my associates William and Albert said it wasn't that funny. My leeches are still safe. I'm watching them in their tank right now. But my associates said that some people got hurt. Don't know how that happened. Maybe they were so startled from the leeches in their desks that they jumped up and hit their heads on something. I still think that it was funny. But I trust William and Albert more than anyone… except my precious leeches, of course.

Nov. 5

Spencer's not my friend anymore! We got in this big fight because he said the prank was all his idea! But it turns out that my leeches have been eating people, so I might introduce them to Spencer… if you know what I mean.

But I don't care if my leeches are eating people. I mean, I love those little suckers more than I've loved any human. Especially this one named Shanaynay. She makes me feel in a way I've never felt before. She's just so smart, and funny, and we have so much in common! I'm thinking of asking her out.

Nov. 7

Guess what diary? Shanaynay and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend! I'm so happy! I can't wait till she puts out!

Feb. 3

Sorry I haven't written in here for so long. I've been spending time with Shanaynay. I will propose to her tonight. I think that I will finally make love to her. The guys at work think it's weird that I'm in love with a leech. But I don't care what society says. We're in love and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

In other news, do you remember that guy Spencer? Well, I set some of my leeches on him. I thought he would die but he's just walking around with pale, ripped flesh. He doesn't talk anymore, either. He just groans and says brains with a slur. What a weird guy!"'

Billy looked at Rebecca, and Rebecca looked up at Billy. They just stared at each other blankly until Billy said, "…Call the men in white jackets…" And at that point they just laughed their limbs off… Not really.

"MY PRECIOUS LEECHES!" Rebecca said, making fun of the extremely insane man who wrote those very strange diary entrees.

The two zombie-killers laughed, and laughed… until two zombies sneak-attacked them and Billy and Rebecca died!

THE END