If I hadn't come in late to Freshman Orientation, none of this ever would've happened.
Normally I'm always on time, and even early, but not that day. Because that was the day the world decided to stop and spin in another direction. And it just so happens that when the world was stopped, my dads' car wouldn't start.
When I finally burst into the auditorium after running the mile or so from my house, I didn't even have time to take in the glory of the stage in which I would hopefully be spending most of my time during the next four years on. No, I was late, and a scared little freshman, so I just slid into the back row beside a blonde girl.
Had I not been late, I probably would've sat on the front row, far away from the girl with the blonde hair. But the world was spinning in her direction now, and I was caught.
"Hi, Rachel Berry," I whispered, introducing myself and offering up my hand for a handshake.
She didn't speak for a moment, but looked at me with brilliant hazel eyes, questioning whether she should respond. Ultimately, she took my hand and said, "Quinn Fabray."
"Are you new here? I don't remember seeing you before?" I asked, knowing I would remember those eyes if I saw them even for just a second in my past.
"Aren't we all new here?" And for the first time she smirked what would become known as the trademark Quinn Fabray smirk.
"Oh, yeah," I muttered, and I was lost for words, which never happened. So I looked forward and tried to concentrate on what the speaker, whoever it was, was saying. Except the sound system was obviously lacking and I couldn't hear a thing. When I sang on that stage, I was going to make sure every single person could hear me.
"But yeah, I just moved here," she stated, trying to draw me back into the conversation. That was a first. No one really wanted to continue a conversation with me; everyone usually just tried to get out of it as soon as possible.
"That would explain why you're sitting back here by yourself," I said, thinking aloud.
"I'm not by myself, in case you haven't noticed," she replied. I looked around to make sure there was no one else on the other side of her. Nope. Was she crazy? Had I accidentally sat beside a nutcase?
"I hate to disappoint you, but it seems the people you were previously sitting with have vacated their seats," I rambled, unable to control the words as they spewed from my mouth. "Thus, you're by yourself now."
"Do you not count as a person?" she questioned. "I mean, you are a bit short, but still…"
"I am not short!" I cried, and she grinned.
"Whatever you say," she replied, rolling her beautiful eyes. "Looks like it's over." She gestured to our class all simultaneously standing up and shuffling toward the exit near us.
"I was told that there would be a tour of the high school, followed by locker registrations," I explained, getting up as well.
"Why don't we go on our own tour?" she suggested. I could've said no. Everything in me was telling myself to say no, you don't know this girl, she could be a serial killer.
But she was pretty and I found myself saying, "Sure."
Damn those eyes.
What was I doing?
I should've been on the tour, befriending all the future cheerleaders. Yet here I was, lost with one Rachel Berry, who was most definitely not the cheerleader type.
This was not part of the plan.
"So tell me about yourself?" I asked, just to keep her from asking about me. There was nothing to tell, really. Well, nothing I was willing to tell a complete stranger.
"I absolutely love being on the stage. One day I'm going to be on Broadway. I've been training since birth for it. My dads have made sure of that-"
But I cut her off there. "Dads? As in plural?"
"Yes, I have two gay dads. Does that bother you?" she questioned, suddenly getting defensive and up in my face, well, as far up in my face as she could get. I held my hands up in surrender and took a step back. She was way too close.
"Not at all. I'm gay, actually." Shit. Why did I just tell her that. No one was supposed to know that. Why why why why why- "So gay dads. Check. Broadway. Check. Anything else?"
"My idol is Barbra Streisand. Everything is better bedazzled. Oh, and I am joining the Glee club here as soon as possible so I will be able to showcase my talents," she spouted one random topic after another.
"You forgot to mention that you talk like there's no tomorrow," I teased her as we turned onto a new hallway that looked as unfamiliar as the one we had just been on.
"You asked!" she cried. "And no one ever asks." She muttered that last part to the floor, probably hoping I wouldn't hear her, but I did.
"Obviously you haven't met very many decent people," I replied quietly.
"I think I scare them off," she admitted, still speaking to the floor.
"Well you don't have to worry about me. I'm not going anywhere," I stated, and she finally looked at me.
And I died a little bit.
The happiness in those brown eyes was so pure and innocent, and I couldn't help but smile.
That was the first time I realized I could very easily fall in love with her if I wasn't careful.
"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep," she murmured.
"But I intend on keeping it," I replied. "You're stuck with me, Berry."
She giggled at this and looped her arm through mine. "Let's go, then. We probably need to find the others."
"How?" I asked. "We've been walking around and still haven't found them."
"Quinn?"
"Hm?"
"We've been walking up and down the same hall for the past ten minutes," she smirked at me.
"Obviously I had other things on my mind," I stated.
"Like what? How to escape from me without injury?" she questioned.
"Didn't I just tell you that you're stuck with me?" I reminded her.
"So what then?" You. Your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. How wonderful you must sound when you sing.
But of course I couldn't tell her that. And then I remembered that we had just met and I didn't have to tell her anything.
"Look! It's the others." I pointed out when we reached the end of the hall. We quietly slipped into the crowd of students, her all the while holding onto me.
"Quinn Fabray don't think you're getting off that easy," she whispered when we were at the back of the crowd.
"I wouldn't dream of it."
The first day of school seemed to take forever to get here. In reality, it was only a week after orientation, but for me it was a year. A year without Quinn.
Quinn. My first real friend. I spent my week planning out various sleepovers and after school activities we could do together. There were so many years to make up for, that I just had to do everything. We would of course have to have a musical marathon. But wait. What if Quinn didn't like musicals?
That's when I realized I didn't know much about her at all, even though she knew pretty much everything about me. Me and my big mouth, not allowing her to get a word in about herself. I was determined to find out something, anything about her when we finally went to school.
That's why I marched straight up to her at her locker on the first day of school and asked, "Do you like musicals?"
She seemed taken aback by it, and I realized I should've said hello before bombarding her with my questions. "I guess?"
"What do you mean you guess?" I questioned. "It's kind of a yes or no question."
She sighed. "Asking if I like musicals is like asking if I like movies or music. It's a broad term, Rach."
"So you like them. Okay we can be friends," I said with relief. Wait did I really just say that? Was I really five years old and dictating whether we can be friends?
She laughed. "Nice to know. By the way, good morning, since you didn't bother with that earlier."
"Good morning!" I could feel my face burning. "Sorry, it was bothering me all week that I didn't know a thing about you."
"You could've just texted me. I gave you my number." Oh. I really was a moron. A complete moron. She put her number in my phone right before we left orientation. I could've texted her. I could've asked her more questions. WE COULD'VE HUNG OUT.
"It must've slipped my- oh we should probably get to homeroom now!" I cried, trying to get out of this. She rolled her eyes and followed along behind me. Thankfully our last names were close enough in the alphabet that we got to share the same homeroom.
"I'm letting you off the hook this time, because you didn't press me for my answer at orientation, but you shouldn't be afraid to text me," she whispered into my ear as we walked into our first high school classroom. I felt shivers go through my entire body as I realized her proximity to me. Then she was gone and I could breathe again. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath.
She took the seat behind me, as I knew she would. She just seemed like the person that would whisper stuff into my ear to try to get me to laugh out loud in class. And that's how it was later on.
For a while.
That afternoon, she invited me over.
Had I been listening during homeroom instead of talking to her, I might have heard cheerleader tryouts were that afternoon. Had I been listening during orientation instead of talking to her, I might have heard about them then as well. But the fact was she waltzed in and smashed all my other priorities to the ground. She was the shining star in my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
What I hadn't told her, though, is that I was friendless before her as well. It may have been selfish of me, but that part of my life was gone. Lucy was gone and Rachel never needed to meet her. Quinn was here to stay.
"Quinn?" Her voice brought me out of my musings, and I realized I was sitting on her couch in her living room. How did I get here? Last thing I remembered was getting on the bus with her.
"Yeah?"
"Would you like to watch a musical?" she questioned, sitting on the floor surrounded by dvd cases.
"Oh. Sure," I replied, still a bit dazed. Was I really so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't notice us getting off the bus and walking into her house?
"Is Funny Girl alright with you? I know you said you don't like some musicals so if you don't like it-"
"I've never actually seen Funny Girl." Her mouth dropped. "What?"
"It's only my favorite movie of all time," she replied, putting the movie in.
"Then I guess I better like it," I stated as she joined me on the couch.
"If you don't, then I'm sorry but I won't ever talk to you again," she said, and the overture started.
"Wouldn't that be a blessing?" I asked, and she playfully shoved me. My heart was going to burst with happiness. "Is the picture broken? Shouldn't there be opening credits or something?"
"While most overtures do usually accompany the opening credits, this one doesn't. It's supposed to be like that," she confirmed.
"Are you sure I haven't just gone blind?" I teased.
"Quinn Fabray if you don't shut up and enjoy this beautiful overture I'll-" But she stopped.
"You'll what?" I smirked. I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say.
"I won't let you have any of the wonderful cookies my father is making!" I felt myself deflate a little. Of course she wouldn't threaten to shut me up with a kiss. That was just a stupid thought. She was probably straight, after all.
"Okay, Rach, you win," I said, but in reality I won because after that she snuggled up next to me and rested her head on my shoulder for the duration of the movie.
I am pretty sure she went to sleep after Don't Rain On My Parade, which made it even harder to watch the movie. My mind just kept saying over and over, "Holy shit, this gorgeous girl that you may or may not like, and let's face it, you do, is asleep on your shoulder and her arm is draped over your stomach and remember to breathe! Breathe Fabray, BREATHE!"
I really hoped Rachel didn't quiz me on the movie at the end, because I honestly didn't know if I could tell her much about it.
Quinn is the best pillow. If you can get over the breathing irregularities and the intoxicating smell of her hair, then you're in for the best sleep of your life. Never before had I felt so at home and protected than I did when I napped on her shoulder during Funny Girl. I hadn't planned on falling asleep at first, but as time went on I just felt so relaxed that I couldn't help but drift off.
When I woke up during the credits, the first thing I remember seeing were hazel eyes. I doubt they were actually the first, but it's all I remember. Damn those eyes.
"Welcome back, sleepyhead," she smiled at me, and I could feel myself lazily smiling back, staring into those eyes.
"Sorry to go to sleep on you," I said, sitting up. The warmth and protection and peace vanished at once.
"It's fine. As long as I get to sleep on you when we watch my favorite musical," Quinn replied.
"What's your favorite musical?" I questioned.
She thought for a minute and then smirked. "Maybe one day I'll tell you."
"That's not fair! You know mine!" I cried.
"All's fair in love and war," she reminded me.
"So which is this? Love or war?" And now it was my turn to smirk.
"Probably a bit of both." I sighed. Was I ever going to get a straight answer out of her? "Now didn't you mention something before about cookies?"
For the next couple of weeks, we coasted through school. I had missed cheerleader tryouts, and Rachel wasn't barging down the glee club's door to join. Our grades weren't as good as they could be, because as much as we hung out we still couldn't manage to study together. Yet somehow we were okay with all of that, because we had something more. We had each other, and that was more than enough at the moment.
Two days after we watched Funny Girl, I heard her sing for the first time. It was so so beautiful, and the worst part is, she wasn't even trying. She was just quietly singing to herself as we waited for homeroom to start.
"That was amazing," I whispered in her ear once she had finished. She turned around and gave me one of the most dazzling smiles, and I swear my heart stopped for a second.
I decided then and there to do whatever it took to see that smile many more times.
The first football game of the season arrived in October, and Rachel wanted to go for some reason. So of course I took her, even though I would have to see exactly what I was missing out on by choosing Rachel over cheerleading. I wasn't worried at all that I made the wrong decision, I just didn't want to see what could've been. But I didn't tell her. She didn't have to know that.
My mom dropped us off there, since neither one of us were old enough to drive at the time. Afterwards, we were going to walk to Rachel's and have a sleepover. She seemed really excited about all of this when we stepped out of the car. She was bouncing on her heels.
"Rach, calm down," I said, putting my hand on her shoulder so maybe she would stop bouncing up and down. It didn't really help.
"I can't! We're going to a football game! We're having a sleepover!" she cried, beaming at me. I figured I could put up with extremely ecstatic Rachel if she was always smiling like that. "Come on let's go get seats!" She grabbed my hand and took off running, pulling me along behind.
I shouldn't have worried about the cheerleading thing. Rachel held my attention for the entire game. Whether she was rambling about everything to me or intently watching the game, my eyes never left her. She was absolutely adorable.
Except one time she caught me.
"Quinn are you even watching the game?" she questioned, and I realized she was directing words at me and I would have to answer.
"What?" I asked, not having a clue as to what she had said.
"Game? Are you watching it?"
"Why would I? It's so much more entertaining to watch you watching the game. You have the most adorable facial expressions." Shit. Did I really just say that?
But it brought upon my favorite Rachel Berry smile so I was okay.
That night was the night everything changed.
It was the night I realized why the world started spinning in a different direction on the day of Freshman Orientation.
Because that was the day I started liking Quinn. Sure, I thought it was friendship at first. I had never had a friend before, so how was I to know the difference?
But then the night of the football game, when I looked into those hazel eyes that hadn't left me all night, it hit me like a freight train.
I was falling for Quinn Fabray.
"Rachel, are you okay?" asked Quinn, waving her hand in front of my face. I turned to her questioningly.
"I'm perfectly fine," I replied, trying my best to keep my tone calm. "Why do you ask?"
"You kind of just spaced out," she stated, her face filled with worry. "And you were so into the game before."
"I guess I was just thinking."
"Want to enlighten me on what it was about?"
No. Not at all. "Are you ready to go? I'm kind of tired."
She looked at me in confusion. "But there's still a whole quarter left, and you were so excited."
"Quinn please," I begged. I couldn't just sit there for another quarter and pretend that nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong. I was falling for my best friend! My only friend!
"Okay," was all she said as she stood up and led the way down and out. I bit my lip and told myself time and time again not to look at her ass, but it was THERE.
When we were on the road, she turned to me. "Should I go home?"
"Do you want to go home?" I asked. She could tell. She could totally tell and she was going to walk away and never talk to me again and I would be stuck in that school alone just like middle school and-
"Not really, you just seem distant."
"I've got a lot on my mind," I replied quietly, not looking at her. I couldn't look in those eyes. They would make me spill everything.
We started slowly walking down the road that would lead us to my house. "That's another thing. You always tell me what's on your mind. Why are you silent now?"
"Maybe I've decided you should let me in your mind sometime, instead of always being inside mine," I countered.
"Rach…" But I didn't say anything. I wasn't giving in. Not this time.
The walk home was long and silent. Neither of us were willing to break the silence, though I really really wanted to.
When we got inside, I knew I had to say something. She was just way too stubborn. "Do you wanna watch a movie?"
"I thought you were tired." was her response. I sighed.
Were sleepovers normally this difficult?
She knows she knows she knows.
She's acting all weird because she knows I like her but she won't say it.
Of course it had to have been obvious after staring at her the entire football game. That was a genius move, Quinn.
"Here's some pajamas," Rachel threw clothes at me and I only just caught them. She then fled from the room to what I assumed was her bathroom.
When she came back, we had both changed. Then, just as silently as the walk, we got into bed.
After a while, I knew I had to say something. I could tell she wasn't asleep, and there was no way I could sleep. If we left things the way they were, I didn't know if we would ever talk again. "Rachel."
She turned over to face me. Shit, I didn't know if I could do this while looking at her. "I'm listening."
"There's a reason why I never tell you what's on my mind," I stated, carefully choosing each word.
"And what's that?" she questioned.
"Because, and don't freak out okay? Because you're the only thing on my mind," the words tumbled out before I could stop them.
A smirk formed on Rachel's face. Well, it was better than I expected. "You shouldn't be afraid to tell me that."
"You don't get it, you're on my mind because I like you as more than a friend maybe and…"
"And that's fine," she finished.
"You're not going to tell me to leave?" I sat up then. She was taking this way too easily.
"Why would I do that?" she asked, smiling gently at me. "Come here." She opened up her arms for me to fall into.
I just told her I like her and she's offering to cuddle with me? What was going on?
With her curled against me, I was able to sleep.
She may have slept, but I was up way past that. I don't know if I even went to sleep at all that night.
What was I going to do? I mean, I liked Quinn, but I wasn't gay. Was I? I had never really thought about it, even being brought up the way I was. Come to think of it, I hadn't really thought about relationships at all. I figured my first goal should be to obtain friends, and worry about romantic interests later. But that later had snuck up on me, and it was now.
Maybe I didn't have to have a label right away. Or ever.
Okay, we had one issue taken care of. Now onto the next one.
Quinn. She liked me back. Except she was my best friend. If things somehow went badly, I would be left with no one. Was it worth the risk?
When I really thought about it, I already knew the answer.
I was falling, and there was no way back to the top.
The next morning, the shrill ringing of Quinn's cell phone woke us up. Guess I did get at least some sleep that night. I heard her groan, and then she answered.
"Hello?" she mumbled sleepily. "No, I wasn't still asleep, it's only seven on a Saturday, after all… I'll be home in a couple hours, plenty of time to get ready for lunch… Well then you should turn around because I'm going back to sleep… Fine." She hung up the phone and rolled her eyes. That's when she noticed I was sitting up, taking in her every move. "Mom's on her way. Sorry if I woke you up."
"It's okay, I didn't get much sleep anyway," I replied. Why did I tell her that? She's going to think I didn't enjoy cuddling with her, which I did. Immensely. "Too much to think about."
"Really? It was probably the best sleep I've had in a while," she admitted, smiling slightly.
"Quinn, I think we need to talk…" I started, but she wouldn't let me finish.
"We do, but not right now. I have to go," she said, grabbing her clothes off the ground and slipping into her shoes. She ran her fingers through her loose hair, as if it would help her adorable bed head any. "See you Monday." And then she was out of my room before I had time to react.
When my brain processed that I had let her get away without telling her that I like her back, my body jumped into action and I dashed down the stairs after her.
"Quinn!" I called as I saw her about to go out the front door. She stopped and looked back at me in confusion. That's when I knew what I had to do.
I ran straight up and kissed her.
On a scale of one to ten, how shocked was I when Rachel kissed me? Oh, about ten million.
But it was nothing, nothing, compared to what she whispered in my ear after it.
"I like you too."
I almost died then and there. It was all I had wanted to hear.
Before we could do or say anything else, my mom honked her horn from the driveway. Damn my mother and her need for mother-daughter Saturday lunches.
I looked from Rachel, who was biting her lip and grinning shyly at me, to the door. Never before had I wanted so bad to stay somewhere. But my feet were moving me out the door and away from her.
There was no way I would be able to wait until Monday to see her again.
"I swear, Rachel Berry, if you don't tell me where we're going right now I'm turning around." It was dark and we had been walking for an hour, but there was no way I was ruining the surprise. So I took her right hand and interlaced her fingers with mine.
"Now you can't go anywhere," I smirked, because I knew she would never let go of my hand.
She sighed. "Rach, seriously. It's freezing out here, and at this rate we won't make it back for the fireworks."
"I never said we were going to the town fireworks show," I replied.
"But it's New Year's Eve and I love fireworks," she whined. "Please, can we turn around and go watch them?" No. That would ruin the entire surprise.
I stopped us and looked her in the eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes. "Just trust me, okay?"
She nodded and we continued on. "Just so you know, if I didn't trust you I wouldn't have followed you when we entered the woods."
"Why? Scared?" I questioned, grinning at her.
"No. I'm just a bit worried about the possibility of serial killers in the shadows."
I squeezed her hand for reassurance. "There are no serial killers here. I already checked."
"Well that's good to know," she smirked. "It would also be good to know where we're going."
"We're here," I said as we came to a clearing.
"What are we doing here?" she pressed as I took off my backpack and started rummaging around for the item I wanted.
"Can't you be patient for ten seconds?" I asked, taking out the picnic blanket and spreading it on the ground.
"Wouldn't it be more practical to wrap the blanket around us?" she questioned.
"Sure, if you want your ass to be cold," I remarked, sitting down. She soon joined me on the ground, wrapping me in her arms for warmth.
"Ooh, Rachel Berry cursing," she murmured, and I could just imagine the smirk she was wearing at the moment. Sure enough, when I looked at her, there it was. She kissed me on the forehead when she noticed me looking.
"Shut up," I said playfully, resting my head on her shoulder. Then I closed my eyes and took everything in. Her warmth. Her intoxicating smell. Her kisses. Her eyes that were practically burned into my mind. Her smile, which only came out when I was around.
When I was with her, I was home.
We sat there for a while, just basking in each other and gazing up at the stars. I let my toes continue freezing, because they weren't important at the moment. She was the only thing that mattered.
"Hey Rach," I whispered, hoping she hadn't gone to sleep.
"Hm?" she asked, looking up at me.
"Why is it that everything reminds me of you?" It was a question that had been on my mind.
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's just…" I tried to put into words what I wanted to tell her. "No matter what, it reminds me of you. Like the stars for instance." I gestured to the night sky. "I can't see them without thinking of how you're a star. And… Fireworks! Whenever I see fireworks I can't help but think about how I see fireworks every time I kiss you."
She smiled and pulled me in for a kiss. "Maybe I shouldn't have brought fireworks if this is all it takes."
"You brought fireworks for us to shoot? Is that what's in the bag?" She nodded. "But you still didn't answer my other question."
"What question?"
"Why does everything remind me of you?"
"Maybe you're in love with me," she suggested hopefully.
"Nah, that couldn't possibly be it," I teased, and she pouted. I couldn't stand to see her without a smile, so I whispered what she had been waiting on in her ear. "I love you, Rachel."
"Aren't we a little bit young for love?" she smirked. She had gotten what she wanted, which meant she could tease me now.
Two could play at that game. "Aren't you a bit young to buy fireworks?" She rolled her eyes.
"My fathers bought them, if you must know," she replied. "But you didn't answer my question." Of course she was using my lines against me now.
I sighed, giving in and saying it once again. "I love you, Rachel."
"I love you too, Quinn." And with those words, I felt like I could do anything. I'm sure I had the craziest smile on my face when I kissed her then.
"Can we shoot fireworks now?" I questioned.
"We just said 'I love you' for the first time and all you can think about is fireworks?"
"Well, I do see fireworks when I kiss you," I reminded her.
She smiled at me before getting up and crawling over to the backpack on the other side of the blanket. "They're not huge, like the ones the town will probably do, but still… I thought they may be fun since I know you love fireworks." She looked so unsure of herself though, so I crawled over to reassure her.
"They're perfect," I whispered after kissing her.
"Just make sure you get far enough away from here when you shoot them," she said, pulling them out and handing me a lighter.
"You're not gonna help me?" I questioned, pouting.
"Can't I just sit back here and watch?" I could see from her expression that she was afraid, so I didn't push it.
"Sure," I replied, taking an armful of fireworks and walking a safe distance away.
For the next twenty minutes or so, I played a game. It pretty much consisted of me lighting fireworks and then running back to sit with Rachel before they went off. And I was damn good at it. Rachel would always clap after each firework, small or big, just like it was a show stopping number in a Broadway show. I think she really enjoyed it, and my favorite smile on her face the entire time was enjoyment enough for me. It was almost like the football games again, in which I never saw anything but her, and that was okay.
But all good things end, and soon enough we were left with nothing but a couple Roman Candles and a box of Sparklers.
"I'm gonna need your help with these," I said, holding them up.
"You can't shoot them?" she questioned, worried.
"Well, I can, but they're a lot more fun if you have someone else with you," I explained. Then I paused for a moment as I considered whether or not to ask her. In the end, I decided to go ahead. "Rach, are you afraid of fireworks?" When she wouldn't look at me I got all the answer I needed. "Why?"
"Kids were mean back in middle school," was all she would say.
"Come on." I took her hand and pulled her up. "I'm not going to let you get hurt." She looked hesitant. "Do you trust me?"
She nodded, and I set a Roman Candle in her hand. "Now direct it toward the sky, but not right above us." I helped her with one hand, while I fumbled with the lighter in the other. When I finally got it lit, she flinched, but held on.
Suddenly, it went off. She jumped, but I held her hands steady. After the first few bursts, she actually developed a smile. She was settling into it and conquering her fears.
"You okay?" I asked once it stopped.
"Yeah," she smiled at me. "Can I shoot one by myself now?"
I grinned at her like she had just won a Tony. "Of course."
We spent the next few minutes shooting Roman Candles before we moved on to Sparklers. These she really liked.
"Quinn look!" she cried after getting used to them. "I can write my name in stars!"
"That's because you are a star," I reminded her, and she beamed at me.
I knew this night would forever be in my mind. Damn her and her ability to always take me on the unforgettable dates.
How was I supposed to be able to top that?
To me, Freshman year was a bit of a dream come true. I finally had a best friend, who just so happened to also be my amazing girlfriend. No one picked on me anymore like they had in middle school. I was actually doing really good in all my classes. Things were looking up for me.
But dreams end.
And when they do, they end suddenly.
All it took was a slushie to make me come down from my cloud.
It came out of absolutely nowhere one day in May, mere weeks before summer. I was walking down the hall to meet Rachel by our lockers before we went to math, and then before I knew what was happening I was covered in red. What made it even worse was that Rachel saw the whole thing.
She was in front of me within seconds. "Quinn, are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?" I snapped, and she cringed away from me. I sighed. "Sorry, Rach."
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." She took me by the arm and led me straight to the bathroom.
"You know, you would look really pretty with red hair, or maybe even pink, but it's definitely your color," Rachel said as she wiped slushie off my face with a wet paper towel.
I smiled at this. She was always the one to bring the sunshine to a stormy situation. "Thanks for helping."
"You don't deserve this, Quinn. You've done absolutely nothing wrong," she stated, wiping the last of it off my face and then starting on my hair.
"I was supposed to be popular by now, Rach. I was supposed to be a Cheerio and dating the star of the football team and instead I'm…" But I didn't finish because the smile on her face had dropped.
"Instead you're secretly dating a girl who is just as much a nobody as you are," she finished quietly, looking away.
"Rachel…" I started, but didn't know what to say. It was true and we both knew it.
"Have you once thought about me? I wanted friends and to be a shining star winning singing competitions. I would have liked to be popular, too. But tomorrow it'll probably be my turn to receive a slushie to the face," she said, keeping her tone calm. If the situations were reversed, I know I surely wouldn't have been able to do it.
"I won't let that happen," I stated. To see her smile destroyed by something like that, I would never let happen.
"And how exactly are you going to do that, Quinn?" she asked, and I could hear the faint trace of anger in her voice.
"By breaking up with you." The fingers running through my hair stopped.
"What?" she whispered. Rip the Band-Aid off, Quinn, just do it.
"Rachel, we're standing in each other's way," I said, trying to get her to see. "And if we stay here we'll never do anything."
"No. This isn't the answer, Quinn," she said, and her eyes were there, pleading with me to fix this. "We can just spend less time with each other, or-"
"Rachel, listen to me." I sat up so we were face to face. "You are a star, and right now, I'm the only one who sees it. That's not how it should be. You've been putting off joining Glee Club just so we could spend our afternoons together. As for me, this is my only chance make something of myself. I was nothing in middle school, and I don't plan on being nothing through high school. That's why I changed my name, dyed my hair, and lost a lot of weight. I even got a nose job! I don't want to be cleaning slushies off each other for the next four years. I need to be something and you do too."
"I don't want to be something if you're not there," she whispered. Knife through the heart. I almost broke down and cried, because I could hear that she was so close to tears, but I had to be strong for both of us.
I took a breath and slowly said, "I'm not giving you a choice."
"But… I love you." Every time she spoke it was like being repeatedly stabbed to death.
I wanted to much to tell her I love her as well, so so very much, but I couldn't. So I stood up, and walked out. I walked out of the bathroom and out of Rachel Berry's life.
And I left my heart with her.
The last couple weeks of school, were a blur to me. I just went to class and went home. There were no more movie nights or sleepovers or cute dates. She no longer whispered in my ear to make me laugh in homeroom. In fact, she didn't even sit behind me anymore. It was like we had never known each other, and I hated it more than anything.
Every time I passed her in the hallway, I would try to say something, but she just flat out ignored me. She avoided me like the plague. Whenever I went to my locker, she was nowhere to be seen. It made me hurt. Why should I be a star if it meant giving up the one person in my life who made me happy?
Quinn obviously wasn't having this problem. She tried out for the Cheerios the day after her slushie incident, and made it on. Within the week, she was set to go on a date with the second string football quarterback, Finn Hudson. Each day, her popularity went up and I mindlessly walked on, dying inside.
I just want to put on the record that I was not, in fact, doing perfectly. I was hurting just as much as Rachel, if not more. Guess I was just better at forcing a smile.
Sure, I fought my way onto the Cheerios (you honestly don't want to know how I got on there) and collected a token boyfriend who was sure to be the quarterback once the senior starter graduated, but I was empty. There was a Rachel-shaped hole in my life that wouldn't go away, no matter what I tried to fill it with, whether it be my new friends Santana and Brittany, or the excruciating workouts I was being put through to catch up to Cheerios standards. It was made even worse when I would see her in the halls or in class, so I did my best to avoid her in any way possible by taking alternate routes and sitting where I couldn't see her.
I hated that I couldn't bring her up the popularity ladder with me, that we couldn't become McKinley's power couple, but this was Ohio. Not only wouldn't the students be accepting, but the original reason for our dating in secret, my parents, would murder me.
So I hid all my emotions and became the perfect, straight, ice queen that my parents would adore and that my classmates would fear and worship. It would take a while, probably all summer, but I would get there.
Once summer started, I lost all my drive for popularity because of the lack of people to impress. I was left with hours upon hours of freedom to think about Rachel and how I had basically forced the person I loved the most out of my life. I tried to stay away from anywhere she might visit, because every time I made eye contact with her she had these immensely sad eyes and I wanted nothing more than to fix the pain I had caused. So for the first couple weeks of summer I ran myself to exhaustion every day and then collapsed on the couch to watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in hopes that she would stay out of my head and out of my line of sight, but she still managed to haunt my dreams and thoughts.
When I ran, I would think of her and her incredible singing voice and her smile. The smile I loved and would probably never get to see again. Each time I came to this conclusion I would start thinking of all the ways I could fix us, each solution crazier than the last. For the longest time, I thought it would be impossible to fix us, even though I wanted to.
But then I realized how stupid it was to not even try. Surely she was hurting just as much as I was.
With all this in mind, I headed over to her house to talk to her for the first time in weeks.
It didn't go very well at first.
The second she opened the door and saw who it was, her smile vanished and she looked at the ground. I knew she wanted to slam the door in my face, but she was far too nice for that so she settled on pretending I wasn't there.
"Rachel," I tried. I wanted to see her eyes.
"What?" she mumbled.
"I know what I did was…" I tried to find the right word.
"Deplorable? Despicable? Heartless?" she suggested, finally looking at me and with such malice that I wish I hadn't begged to see her eyes.
"I was gonna say unfair," I stated. "But I still love you, Rach. And I want to fix us, to go back to normal. Back to being best friends."
She snorted. "Friends? Really Quinn? You break up with me and completely ignore me for weeks, and you expect me to believe you want to be friends? Go home."
"I can't talk to you in school," I said, trying my best to keep calm and hold her attention so she would leave me out there. "If I want my popularity to go up I have to associate with popular people, like Santana and Finn. But I do still want you in my life."
"And you couldn't find the time in your busy popular life to text me to let me know this?" she questioned, and for once I didn't have an answer. We could've kept texting. Hell, we could've continued meeting after school as long as no one saw us. "Exactly. Face it. This is all about you. You and your quest for popularity. You may say it's for me to live my dream or some crap like that, but you're really just trying to get rid of a roadblock."
"Rachel, you're my best friend," I stated, willing myself not to crumble. "I'm not trying to get rid of you, if I were I wouldn't be standing at your door begging you for forgiveness. I just… I need to be accepted by people. It's all I've ever wanted."
"Isn't my acceptance enough?" she asked coldly.
I felt the tears start running down my face. "Don't ask me that."
"We're done here." She turned to go back inside.
I think it was at that point that my heart shattered and I fell to the ground, sobbing. The knives that had been stabbing at my heart since that day in the bathroom had finally hit their mark.
She was down at my side within the second. "Rachel I'm s-sorry. I d-didn't mean to hurt you. I j-just want people t-to like me." She was helping me up and into her house without a word said on her part. It was very strange, but I just went with it. Before I knew it, I was on the couch in her living room with my head in her lap. She brushed the hair out of my face as I continued to cry, and all the while was silent.
After a while, I couldn't take it. "Rach, say something."
"What do you want me to say?" she asked quietly.
"Anything," I pleaded. I needed to know where we stood.
"Anything," she teased, and when I looked up at her, there was the smile. It looked weary, but the smile that made me fall in love with her was there. It was in that moment that I knew we would be okay.
The day that Quinn showed up at my house, I literally felt my heart wrenched in two. She was there all helpless and vulnerable, and I just wanted to take her in my arms and go cuddle because I had missed the girl I loved so much. But then there was a part of me that kept reminding me of the hurt she had caused over the past few weeks, that she didn't deserve my love. It pretty much won out in the beginning, but then when she started crying my resolve melted into a pile of goo.
It was when we were actually cuddling while watching Wizard of Oz that I realized how mixed up this was. She was dating a guy now, even though she told me the first day we met that she was gay. She was cuddling with me when she was dating a guy. Quinn should've been cuddling with him, not me. That's when it really hit me that she was only using him on her climb to popularity; nothing more. I was strangely okay with her doing that, as long as at the end of the day we were like this.
My parents decided to throw a back to school barbecue the week before school started. It was hard to squeeze in; with school being so close, Coach wanted us practicing all day, but I convinced her to cut it short that day. I didn't really have time to change out of my uniform, but that was all for the better. Rachel loved me in uniform and, consequentially, so did Finn.
Normally I would've been against a party thrown by my parents. No one ever came to any of my parties in middle school. But I knew people now so I figured it was okay. People would show up and it would help my popularity. My mistake was inviting Rachel.
Everything was going fine up until she got there. I was (reluctantly) flirting with Finn, and then she arrived.
Rachel was absolutely gorgeous that night. I wanted nothing more than to go over there and make out with her, but I restrained myself. Instead, I made out with Finn and pretended it was her. Sure, it wasn't the same, but it was good for my image and it helped me not stare at Rachel.
But when we broke away, it was even worse.
I had failed to notice before that she brought a girl with her. She was Asian and certainly wasn't from our school, as I'd never seen her before. And Rachel was smiling at her. That girl was getting MY Rachel Berry smile! It took all I had in me not to march over there and snatch Rachel away. Though I did extract myself from Finn and storm into the house.
How could she! She was mine! She couldn't just go smiling at some other girl. Oh, I bet she was flirting too! Damn Rachel Berry and her flirting abilities.
I wasn't putting up with this. Not sober at least. But I couldn't just stay at home and get drunk. No, my parents would kill me if they found me. Which meant I had to go to Puck's. He was the only one not at the party (my parents wouldn't let me invite him), and he wouldn't mind.
That was probably one of the worst decisions I ever made.
I couldn't find Quinn anywhere at her party after seeing her initially all over Finn, which probably meant she was back to ignoring me in front of other people. So the day after, I went to visit her for the first time ever to find out where we stood since she wasn't answering her phone.
Her mom looked extremely surprised when I said I was there to see Quinn. She showed me to her room and then left me to knock.
"Go away," she groaned.
"Quinn, it's me," I replied.
"You're the last person I want to see," she stated, and my heart sank. What did I do? I wasn't going away; I had to know.
"Oh, Quinn," I sighed upon entering her room and seeing her. She was sprawled on the bed, half in the covers and half out. Her face was in the pillows and her hair was sticking up in ways of extreme adorableness. When she heard my voice, she looked up out of the pillows and groaned.
"Why did you come in here?" she asked as I shut the door and hesitantly sat on the edge of her bed.
"Because something's obviously wrong," I replied, and she finally looked at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and they weren't looking at me very nicely at the moment, but they were still the hazel eyes that I loved.
"I'm not accepting apologies at the moment," she stated and collapsed back into her pillows.
"What am I supposed to be apologizing for?" I questioned. I had done absolutely nothing to her. Or had I?
"You know what you did," she said through the pillows.
"No, I don't, or I would've already apologized for it," I said. "So tell me what it is."
"I saw you last night with that other girl," she stated, glancing at me for a reaction. "You were flirting."
I sighed and laid down where my face was mere inches from hers. "For starters, that was an incoming freshman whom I was trying to befriend. I led her tour group at Freshman Orientation today and she needed friends just like me. Her name is Tina, and she's straight, if you must know. Besides, she's not my type."
"Oh," she breathed.
"Furthermore, may I remind you that I am in my own right to flirt with her should I want to, because you are in no way my girlfriend. And if I remember correctly, you were all over a certain boy," I said, and she rolled her eyes.
"So you and me, we're not dating," she stated.
"Not dating," I confirmed.
"Then you don't mind if I tell you that I got drunk and had sex with Puck last night?" She did not. There was no way she would.
"Please tell me you're not serious," I said, but I could see in her bloodshot hazel eyes that she was.
"Do you really think I would still be in bed if I wasn't?" she questioned. Remain calm. Don't do anything stupid. Don't go off on her. She's not your girlfriend.
"You must've been quite drunk to have sex with a boy, much less Noah," I said, trying to make light of the situation when I really just wanted to cry.
"Yeah, I was," she replied. "And I'm paying for it now."
"Why did you get drunk? Surely you didn't do it for fun in front of your parents," I prompted, and she turned over to look away. "Quinn."
"I was insanely jealous of you with that girl and you were so hot I wanted to make out with you so bad and I just couldn't handle it sober so I went to drink at Puck's," she explained in a rushed mess of words.
"Oh Quinn," I said once again, and then I pulled her close to me. "For someone so brilliant, sometimes you're so stupid."
"You know I'm not going to be able to ignore you anymore when we go back, right?" This surprised me. Was she going to give up the popularity quest and come back to me?
"How so?"
"There are certain things expected of me, and being a bitch to people like you is one of them," she stated. Oh.
"Will you still come over and watch musicals with me every afternoon?" I asked. I just needed to keep my Quinn, the girl who was my best friend; the girl I fell in love with.
"Of course," she replied, finally turning back over and letting me see her beautiful eyes again. "And when we go back, you need to finally join Glee Club."
"But that creepy guy runs it. You know that's why I haven't been in it," I explained.
"Then get him fired. You're going to be a star, you have to do whatever it takes," she reminded me.
"And I will," I assured her.
"Just remember that when I try and tear you down every day."
"You really think you can actually be mean to me?"
"We'll see."
"I guess this will be our greatest acting challenge."
"It will indeed."