Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own Naruto or any of the characters belonging to Masashi Kishimoto. I am not making any profit.
A/N: Bitten by the Kakairu bug, it seems. This is rated M for language and smutty suggestions. Hope you all enjoy!
He should have known that something was up when he passed Genma who, in lieu of his regular nod of the head, burst into guffaws that echoed off the classroom walls like so many spitballs. It should have been obvious that something was a bit... well, off when Naruto had nearly choked to death on his ramen at lunch, forcing him into having to excuse himself without finishing his fifth bowl of the day's special. Then there was Ibiki and Asuma, who had paused mid conversation to hide their laughter behind their hands, tears pricking at the edges of their eyes that they tried to explain away with the poorly veiled excuse of "allergies."
It had been enough to send Iruka to the restroom, tilting back his head to check up his nose, frantically finger combing through his hair in fear of finding strange protrusions or - he had shuddered at the thought - something gloppy and of questionable origin that one of his students had decided to swipe onto him in a grossed out frenzy. He was in the middle of examining his teeth for lodged pork when the sound of a toilet flushing from somewhere behind him made him yelp, his jaw snapping shut onto his fingers hard enough to make his eyes water. Glancing up in the mirror, his eyes locked onto Sasuke, the student's body rippling through the tears of pain like a mirage.
"Good afternoon, Sasuke," Iruka mumbled, wringing his hand to distract himself from his throbbing fingertips.
A moment of unreadable silence, and then Sasuke shuffled over to wash his hands, his mouth a tight line of boredom. It wasn't until the younger man was making his way out that Iruka finally decided it was all in his head. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, nothing out of place, and no sudden, abnormal growths on any part of his body. He was merely having an off day, courtesy of one very strange night and a mild case of "holy-shit-what-did-they-put-in-that-burrito."
Nodding to his reflection, he spun on his heels to follow Sasuke out the door when the boy said, very slowly, "Congratulations, Sensei."
"I beg your pardon?"
Sasuke's only reply was a noncommittal "Hn," and a toss of his hair as he turned his back on the bewildered Iruka. No amount of pleading or threatening could sway the younger man to trade his smirk for answers, and for the first time in his entire teaching career, Iruka Umino found himself sorely tempted to put his hands on the student when someone grabbed him by the wrist.
"Iruka."
Just the sound of that voice, followed by the brush of warm breath against the shell of his ear was enough to make him freeze in his steps, a familiar burn collecting in his face to stain his cheeks a mortifying shade of red.
"Kakashi-sensei." Mentally kicking himself for how breathless he sounded, Iruka turned around to face the other man, a wide, forced smile on his lips that could have been spotted by a blind man.
He didn't have far to move; the smallest fraction of a spin had him nearly nose to nose with Kakashi. He lifted his eyes, his vision swimming in a black sea that covered smooth planes and curved cheekbones that he had seen and could not unsee.
He couldn't think about that face without the gentle stirring of something very weird and very unwanted in his belly, so he focused on the soft, silver tufts of hair that poked over Kakashi's lopsided headband. That particular tactic didn't seem to work either, as he could remember precisely how it felt to run his fingers through that hair, tugging it to tilt the other man's head back and expose more skin to his hungry lips. Trembling, he tried to escape when Kakashi leaned forward into his face, backing the sensei into the cinder block wall of the school hall and pinning him there with an elbow beside his head.
At this angle, Iruka could picture the lips beneath the mask that Kakashi wore – close enough to kiss and so, so soft. His head was spinning with the scent of the Jounin, something that reminded him of earthy mint mingled with tangerines and sunshine.
For fuck's sake, Iruka, get a hold of yourself!
A strong, firm thigh parted Iruka's legs, slipping between them to rub lewdly against his crotch, bringing him crashing out of his ridiculous reverie.
"Kakashi! This is hardly the place for that!"
"Hmmm, perhaps not." Even as he assented, Kakashi increased the pressure of his strokes, his mask turning upward with the curve of his singular eye when Iruka's cock began to stir in his pants. "But it seems as though you enjoy this, Iruka-sensei."
"Of course I do," Iruka hissed, shifting his body so that his inner thigh was being assaulted instead. Still, he could feel each ghost of a movement, and it was all he could do not to drag Kakashi into the janitor's closet and fuck him senseless. The idea made his stomach clench violently, and it took a few open mouthed breaths to calm himself down. "This is neither the time nor the place for this."
"Would later be the time? And your apartment be the place?"
The sensei squirmed, his breath catching in his throat as he opened his mouth to say "no, absolutely not, never again." What he heard himself whisper was "Yes, okay. Yes."
A light chuckle floated over him from beneath Kakashi's mask, the shape of it shifting in what could presumably be called a leer. "I'll see you later, then."
Flushed and throbbing and breathless, Iruka watched the other man saunter away, wondering what the hell he'd been thinking last night, and what the hell he'd started.
The evening had started out innocently enough: a few drinks with a few friends at a local pub that would end in some raucous karaoke if things went too far, or some regrettable jokes and a weird confession if all stayed on the harmless side of drunken debauchery. What Iruka hadn't prepared for - what he had never even considered preparing for, he realized with a rueful smile - was Kakashi.
A few mojitos had him openly staring at the Jounin, who sat at the bar with a Coke and a book, glancing up occasionally to catch the gawking Iruka, who would flush and drop his gaze. After the third time of being caught, Kakashi lifted a hand to wave at Iruka, his eye closing amiably.
"Shit." Iruka had muttered, sucking his straw back into his mouth and shading his eyes with outstretched fingers. He was struck by the absurd hope that maybe if he just sat like that for long enough, he'd vanish into thin air and be spared the embarrassment of having been caught ogling someone like Kakashi. The man read porn in public, for gods' sakes!
"If you're going to stare at him all fucking night, you may as well go and say hello." Iruka's head spun around, his eyes wide at Anko, whose only explanation for her outburst was a shrug. "At least let him pay for one of those drinks you're inhaling."
Shooting a withering glance at Anko, he stood, slurring a very articulate come back that might have been something like "Well maybe I will, then."
After all, he reasoned as he plodded over to Kakashi, the floor seeming to pitch and sway beneath his feet, small talk with a fellow shinobi could hardly be misconstrued as some sort of weird attraction, right?
Somehow, "small talk" ended up being Iruka's tongue halfway down Kakashi's throat, which then became Kakashi in Iruka's bed. The first two used condoms that found their way to Iruka's wastebin could be very simply explained away by entirely too much alcohol and a few too many years of forced celibacy. The next two, however...
Iruka shivered, nearly tripping over his own feet as he resumed his trek back to the classroom. He chose to ignore the sound of laughter from somewhere behind him, writing it off as a reaction to his clumsiness. His room was empty when he arrived, and for that he was thankful. He had too much to do to waste any more time worrying about whatever it was that people seemed to be finding hilarious.
The slanting sunlight cast a few rays over his desk, little dust motes pirouetting lazily downward to the stack of papers he was supposed to be grading, but wasn't. Instead, he found himself puzzling over a crude picture of something obviously meant to be offensive on Kiba's test, which rested atop the mountainous stack. Briefly, he wondered if the student had ever seen a pair of tits in his life before marking a barely passing grade on his sheet and moving on to the next one.
"Well, well," said a voice from the doorway. Iruka glanced up to see Anko there, leaning against the frame with a smirk on her face that made him nervously curl his toes beneath the desk. "How's your head?"
"W-what?"
"Well, I figured that after you assaulted Kakashi and examined his tonsils in a very public place before dragging him home, you were bound to have one hell of a hangover this morning."
"Oh."
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Iruka," she growled, rolling her eyes as she closed the gap between them and placed her palms on his desk. He could smell what she had for lunch when she leaned in, close enough that their noses were brushing. "There's no need to be so modest. You're a grown ass man, and you can fuck whomever you like, whenever you like."
"Well thanks for that," grumbled the sensei, standing up and searching for an escape route. He really didn't feel like having this conversation - especially not when he knew that Kakashi would be waiting for him to finish his work.
It struck him that the Jounin might be waiting for him even now, which made him hurry past his unwanted visitor, an excuse for leaving ready on his lips. He never got the chance to speak, though, because Anko began to laugh, throwing her arms over her midsection and bending over double as she tried to catch her breath.
Iruka tried to stop it, to dig his fingernails into the fleshy palms of his hands and focus on the bite of his nails instead of the electricity of his anger, but it was no use. All of the joking and hidden snickers at his expense were finally adding up, the sum of which was camel plus straw equals back fucking broken.
"Would someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?" he roared, which made Anko throw a hand over her mouth to unsuccessfully try and stymie her giggles. "People have been laughing at me all day and I am done with it! So fucking tell me what the fuck is so funny so I can fucking laugh, too!"
"Um, Iruka-sensei?" a light tug at his back, followed by the gentle ripping sound of paper, had him turning around. Sakura stood behind him, a bright pink blush on her cheeks as she appeared to be trying desperately not to avoid his eyes. "It was on the back of your shirt."
His gaze dropped to the flimsy, yellow piece of notepad paper that the girl held in her fingers. Immediately, his stomach began to churn, his vision a hazy red around the edges as he read in large, black letters "IRUKA GIVES THE BEST BLOWJOBS IN KONOHA."
"Not any fucking more I don't," he hissed to no one in particular, snatching back the paper and stomping through the hallway.
"At least he liked it!" Anko called, bursting into high pitched squeals of laughter when Iruka jabbed his middle finger in her direction.
As he slammed the door to the building behind him and stepped into the night, Iruka wondered just how upset Lady Tsunade might be when she awoke the next morning to the news that Kakashi Hatake was floating down the river in a garbage bag. The thought made him grin, though he paused uncertainly when he realized that should any harm come to the Jounin, his sex life would go straight back to being a party of one.
It wasn't as if Kakashi hadn't been a fantastic lover - giving in all the ways Iruka liked and rough in ways Iruka hadn't known he could like. He had to bite his lip to keep from groaning out loud when he remembered the way Kakashi had taken him on the kitchen counter, his cock so deep inside of Iruka that the Chuunin could almost swear he could see the shape of it behind his eyelids.
Okay, so, maybe one more blowjob, Iruka reasoned, his steps quickening with the beat of his heart as he raced home. One more and then, if Kakashi didn't change it from "Konoha" to "the fucking universe," Iruka would throw him in the river.
It was only fair.