AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hello! I don't know how many of you reading my Portal fic will read this, but I just needed a tiny creative break from it. Having two fics to work on has kept my mind busier... plus, I admit it, I am obsessed with Dishonored 2! I'm nearly done with Filling the Void Chapter Six, and it should be out soon. I only really have around three chapters planned for this story, but I'm very excited to write it. BROWNIE POINTS to anyone that can pinpoint the very small Portal 2 quote that I snuck in to this first chapter!
Thank you, QueenofDoomyDoom for letting me talk your ear off about Dishonored for months, even though you've not gotten to play it. You're so patient with me!
There are definitely spoilers for the game in here, folks, just fair warning.
I know there are many ways to end both Dishonored and Dishonored 2, but for this particular story, Emily had a low chaos playthrough, saved her father, and went back to ruling in Dunwall... leaving the new Duke and his counsel of Alexandria, Aramis, Paolo and Byrne to run Serkonos.
This story mostly centers around Alexandria Hypatia, with a bit of Aramis Stilton. Unfortunately they weren't available from the drop down list.
By the Void, she was so tired. Struggling to focus her eyes correctly, she still inspected her patient's wound with extreme care. It was a bloodfly sting, fortunately in its earliest stages. The poor child didn't see the nest until it was too late, he was lucky his mother heard him screaming and yanked him out of there. He was especially lucky to walk away with only five stings. She tried even harder to focus, blinking her eyes repeatedly. It took her a moment to realize that someone was saying something, and likely had been for a while now.
"Doctor Hypatia...?" she finally made out, forcing her eyes upward... seeing the face of an extremely concerned mother.
Alexandria finished applying the salve to the last sting, smiling sheepishly at her and saying, "I'm sorry." The small boy was no longer crying, seeming to be soothed by the pain relieving qualities of the salve. She grinned warmly at him, squeezing his hand and exclaiming, "all done, now. You were so brave, how about you go and get a piece of candy from Susan?" She gestured to her assistant, who was across the room. He put on a tiny smile, nodding and rubbing his eyes before getting up from the cot and shuffling across the room. Alexandria got up and off of the floor where she'd been kneeling, grabbing a large burlap sack and beginning to fill it with what the boy would need.
"He'll be just fine," Alexandria promised, handing the mother the sack, "all you need to do is apply the salve to the stings three times a day, for as long as the pain continues... and make sure he has a cup of the Addermire Solution twice a day, for two weeks."
The woman peered inside the bag, appearing to be shocked by the amount of medicine the doctor had willingly just given her. She began digging through her pouch, stammering, "y-you'll have to allow me to pay you something..."
Alexandria reached out and gently put a hand on hers, trying to keep her from looking for money. "Nonsense," she insisted, "I said I was giving free exams, and I meant it. There's no need for any coin."
"But... Doctor Hypatia, that was over a year ago," the mother said hesitantly, just as her son came wandering back over to them. He appeared a bit more calm, now that he'd gotten his candy.
The doctor shook her head, insisting, "don't worry yourself over it... just get him home and make sure he gets his rest, and fluids. If his fever progresses or doesn't break within a couple of days, make sure you bring him back to see me."
The other woman stared at her for a moment, looking a bit concerned, before nodding her head and taking a hold of her son's hand. "Thank you, Doctor Hypatia," she said, sincerely, before Susan led them up the stairs and out the door. Addermire had been undergoing quite a few renovations ever since Alexandria had regained full control of herself. Right now the consult wing was one of such renovations, so she was seeing people in her lab. Her lab was one of the first rooms to be... fixed.
Alexandria simply stood there for a moment, staring at the wall, mind going blank for a while. She sat down on the cot, before figuring that she had about fifteen minutes before Susan brought her the next patient. She laid down, deciding to close her eyes while she waited. As Alexandria laid down the muscles in her back tightened and spasmed - she'd been on her feet so long that her body didn't know what to do with laying down. She struggled for a moment to find a comfortable position, before settling for laying on her left side, facing the wall. She shut her eyes, groaning a bit - her eyes were scratchy and painful. She didn't have much time to think about how badly her eyes hurt, though, as the moment they closed she was out cold.
It was dark, and damp. She felt her way around in the dark, gently running her fingers over the stone walls. Where was she?
Suddenly a voice rang out from deeper in the darkness, "hello, little mouse."
No. No no no. Alexandria had been here, before. She stumbled backwards, one hand still on the wall to feel her way around.
"You're always so surprised to see me," the guttural, feral voice mused, getting closer. She could make out a slight shine in the dark - two yellow eyes.
Alexandria shook her head, backing further away. "You're not real, Alex... you're an awful dream," she insisted, clenching her jaw to keep her voice from shaking.
"How are you so sure I'm not real?" she prodded, "I might just be sleeping. Someone, or something could wake me up." Suddenly the eyes disappeared, and Alexandria frantically glanced around, trying to find them. There was a loud thud behind her, and before she knew it, hot breath was up against her neck, "I'm very real... just as real as that delightful taste you had in your mouth when the child empress put me back to sleep."
The doctor clenched her eyes shut tightly as her stomach churned, trying to ignore what she was saying. She didn't want to remember the disgusting taste she had in her mouth when Emily injected her with the counter serum. Alexandria tensed and held perfectly still, too afraid to move, knowing how close she was. She supposed it was useless and silly to be afraid of Alex, but she couldn't help it.
"Don't you remember?" Alex asked, taking a long, deep breath in before letting it out, as if she were remembering the most delectable smell, "I had plenty of tiiiiime with him... plenty of fun. Do you know what that does to the meat, dear sister?" Alexandria screwed her mouth shut tighter, muscles locking up as she felt the breath moving to her ear. "It makes it tougher," Alex explained, cold lips grazing her ear, "and a bit sour... in the best way."
Alexandria ripped away, hunching over and gagging, before immediately heaving up what was in her stomach. Suddenly in a bright flash, the room became illuminated with light. She was still hunched over, and when she saw just what she'd purged she stumbled backwards, tripping on a rock and landing flat on her back. She scrambled to sit up, scooting backwards and away from the severed fingers that were somehow in her vomit.
"Don't act so innocent," Alex growled, making her way over to the doctor on the ground, "you like to say that you didn't know... but really, who has a man dying in their lab for months and never even notices?"
Alexandria wiped at her mouth, shaking her head and covering her ears. "I wasn't well," she insisted.
Alex chuckled, crouching down in front of her and grabbing her chin tightly, squeezing. She shoved her chin upward, forcing their eyes to meet. "You weren't well? You act like I'm some kind of disease you can cure, doctor. No, no... I'm a part of you, and I always have been."
"You're wrong!" Alexandria shouted, shutting her eyes tighter and trying to drown her out.
There was more laughter as her chin was released and cold fingers ran through her hair. "Poor naive, sheepish little Alexandria," Alex said under her breath, "do you really think you had nothing to do with what I did to Vasco? If you let yourself remember, you might like it..."
There was no response from Alexandria. She shook her head harder, smacking the hand away from her hair. It was becoming harder to stay silent and still.
"You might have liked cutting him open... singeing his flesh under the heat lamps," Alex explained, biting down on her lip and shuddering, obviously savoring the memory, "or maybe you would have liked the sound his toes made when they snapped, the most." She leaned in closer, getting in her face, "don't worry, I didn't waste any of your precious chemicals on him... it would have tainted the meat. And oh, the meat... the meat! I didn't get to savor it very long, that honor was yours."
Alexandria felt like she might vomit again for a brief moment, but that feeling was soon overcome by the anger that was building up in her stomach.
"You know, he never once fought back," Alex chuckled, the sound coming from deep within her throat, "too afraid of hurting poor, innocent Doctor Hypatia." Alexandria felt a sharp pang of guilt run through her, and it cut deeply. "My only regret is that I never got to take him apart," Alex exclaimed, biting down on her lip and saying breathily, "roll in the mess, slide against his skull, drive myself against his-"
Something in Alexandria began boiling, at this point. She clenched her hands in to tight fists, eyes finally shooting open and glaring at her aggressor.
"Oh, is sweet, timid, boring, dryyyy Alexandria getting angry...?" Alex asked, grinning, before leaning in closer, "do you know why I kill? Why I torture, and pull them apart?" She chewed on her lip, whispering, "because I know how much it will hurt you. You know... I really do abhor you, and I suppose I am you. Now, just what does that say about you, little mouse...?"
"I am not a LITTLE MOUSE!" Alexandria shrieked, lunging off of the ground and at Alex, slamming her head in to the hard, damp stones. She'd snapped, she couldn't sit there and listen to her talk anymore - about Vasco, about her, about anything! She didn't want to think about the implications of Alex's motivations for killing, it was too painful.
At first Alex looked shocked, crying out when her head crashed in to the wall. She reached up and behind her head, feeling at the wound before bringing her hand in front of her, seeing a large amount of blood dripping down her fingers. She grinned, chuckling weakly and muttering, "see? You're more like me than you know..."
Alexandria's eyes flew open wider and she immediately let go of her, backing away. She stared at her as she slid down the wall and on to the ground, a splash of blood on the stones where her head had collided. "No..." she muttered, backing even further away.
Alex chuckled quietly and slumped back against the wall, murmuring, "yes... just like me."
"No!" Alexandria shouted, stumbling back further, but her back was met with the wall.
"Hypatia!" a voice called from all around her, "Alexandria, wake up!"
The doctor jolted upright on the cot, gasping for air and clawing at the fabric underneath her. She looked around wildly, trying to get a firm grip of her surroundings. She was back in her laboratory, but it was dark, other than a single dim lamp in the corner. Alexandria flinched a bit when she saw a figure looming over her, but suddenly relaxed when she noticed that the figure was a man - not the Crown Killer.
Once her eyes adjusted, she finally realized who it was. "Stilton?" she asked quietly, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Yes, it's me," Aramis said, sounding relieved that she'd woken up, "you were having what appeared to be one hell of a nightmare."
"I..." Alexandria stuttered, looking around at the dark room, "why is it dark? What... what time is it? Where's Susan?"
"She's at home, where everyone else is, too," Aramis explained, "it's rather late in the night."
Alexandria's eyes flew open wider in panic and she threw herself off of the cot and to her feet. "Late at night?" she asked frantically, "why is it late at night? Where are my patients?"
"Home, Hypatia. Susan sent them home," before she had time to panic even more, Aramis explained further, "the boy you saw earlier was the last emergency, and no others showed up while you were sleeping. We would have woken you if they had."
Alexandria was definitely relieved to hear she hadn't missed any emergency patients, but she had to admit, she was livid. Her brand of livid, however, was to simply frown and ask, "why would she send them home?"
"Don't be too upset with the girl," Aramis pleaded, "I told her to do it."
"You did what?" Alexandria asked in disbelief.
Aramis sighed, taking a few steps forward and asking, "Alexandria, when's the last time you got some sleep?"
"Last night," the doctor answered honestly, crossing her arms.
Aramis shook his head and raised an eyebrow, correcting himself, "when's the last time you got sleep that lasted longer than an hour?"
Alexandria frowned, looking at the floor and shrugging, "I don't know, I've been busy, Aramis. There's been a constant influx of patients."
"Because you never close your doors," Aramis pointed out, "I know you want to help people, but you need sleep."
Alexandria sighed and gently pushed her way past Aramis and back in to her lab. She pulled out some beakers and test tubes, preparing to get back to work on attempting to perfect the Addermire Solution. How could she possibly explain why she felt she had to keep her doors open at all hours? Aramis was a good man and a good friend, but she wasn't sure how he'd handle the truth. Working in the new Duke's counsel alongside Aramis, Paolo, and Byrne had been both a blessing and a curse. She enjoyed helping the people of Serkonos... but now it seemed she'd known them long enough for one of them to begin worrying about her, and asking questions, no doubt. It made sense that it was Aramis that Susan had contacted - after all, Alexandria had been working with him and his miners for years before the coup.
Aramis followed her over to the counter, asking, "when is the last time you ate something?"
"I had... some grapes this morning," Alexandria answered, knowing full well just how bad that was. She was a doctor, and she would be very worried if one of her patients took up the same habits that she had, recently. She had her reasons, she just couldn't tell anyone those reasons. She could handle this alone.
She could hear him sighing, "I thought you might say something like that." He reached out and gently pushed her flasks backward, "that's why I brought some food down, for you."
Alexandria took a deep breath and held it for a moment, before letting it out slowly and insisting, "thank you, but I'm fine." She attempted to grab her flasks and move them closer.
"Fine?" Aramis asked, voice exasperated, "Hypatia, you are far from fine. You're not sleeping, and you're not eating, and I have absolutely no idea why." He wedged himself between Alexandria and the counter, cutting her off from her lab equipment. "What in the world is going on?" he demanded gently.
Alexandria put on her very best angry face, which really only looked mildly perturbed. "I missed a day of sleep and food, I hardly think it's worth this much fuss, Aramis," she said.
Aramis crossed his arms, "it's been far more than one day, Alexandria, I believe we both know that." She looked up at him in confusion, wondering just how he knew that. He read her face rather easily, explaining hesitantly, "Susan... may have been concerned about you and contacted me." The doctor sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Please, don't be angry with her," Aramis pleaded with her yet again, "she's only concerned about your wellbeing, she is a doctor's assistant, after all."
Alexandria took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and saying truthfully, "I'm not angry." She wasn't. How could she be angry at Susan for doing exactly what she would have done if she were in her shoes?
The mine manager inspected her face, seemingly trying to figure out if that was the truth. After a few moments he seemed to relax a bit, before stating carefully, "Susan said this has been going on for months."
She sighed, crossing her arms loosely and hanging on to her elbows. "It can't be helped," Alexandria said quietly.
"What do you mean, it can't be helped?" Aramis asked gently, seeming to be trying very hard to get her to confide in him. Alexandria shook her head, looking to the side, unable to make eye contact at this point. Aramis frowned, saying quietly, "if you don't want to to explain, then that's alright... but you can't keep denying yourself basic needs like this..."
Alexandria kept staring to the side, trying to figure out what she could possibly say. There was nothing she could say. There's an idea! Maybe if she just stayed quiet and ignored him, he'd get angry and go away. She hated the idea of hurting him in any way, but she wasn't willing to just lie down on this one. She knew it was childish, but something reckless in her was screaming that she had to do this. She had to see as many patients as possible, and when there were no patients she had to work on perfecting the Addermire Solution.
She screwed her mouth shut, reaching around him and grabbing her flasks. She carefully carried them to the other side of the counter, going back to setting them up as she wanted.
"Hypatia?" Aramis asked, sounding confused. After a good while of waiting, realization leached in to his voice, "ignoring me won't make me go away."
Alexandria wasn't sure how he'd figured her out so quickly, but she stayed quiet none the less. She'd made up her mind months ago... this had to happen.
Aramis sighed, "Alexandria, this is ridiculous and childish." She knew he was right, she really did... but maybe just this once, Alexandria Hypatia wanted to be ridiculous and childish. She was hardly even able to reason with herself as to why not sleeping and eating was a good idea, anymore... but some stubborn part of her said that she had to.
There was an even longer silence this time - so long, in fact, that Alexandria was beginning to think that perhaps her plan had worked. She realized that was wrong, however, when she felt him wrap a gentle hand around her wrist. She set the flasks down, finally looking up at him, for just a moment. There was something about Stilton's face that was permanently gentle, even now. Alexandria wasn't sure if she'd ever seen him truly angry. However, as he held his eyes on hers, she noticed something else on his face. It wasn't threatening, no, nothing like that... though something told her she should probably just eat. No... she needed to work on the Addermire Solution, and also, food sounded revolting right now. She held the gaze for a bit longer, looking back to the side and trying to pick up her flasks again.
Aramis sighed, keeping his grip on her wrist and leading her away from the counter. Alexandria blinked in confusion, but followed none the less. "Aramis?" she asked, confusion obvious in her voice.
"If you want to act childishly, then I'll treat you like a child, Alexandria," he explained, as if stating a fact.
The doctor cocked her head, wondering just what he meant by that. She wasn't sure she liked the sound of it. If she wanted to, she could easily pull away - nothing had changed about the grip on her wrist... it was still just as gentle as before. For some reason she didn't really understand, Alexandria allowed him to lead her in to the back room, where she'd been sleeping earlier.
Without another word, Aramis finally let go of her wrist. He hooked his arm around her waist, sitting down on the cot and hoisting her over straight over his lap.
Alexandria gasped as she was lifted up, and once she was set down it didn't take long for her to put two and two together. "Aramis!" she exclaimed, in complete shock.
Before she really had much time to say or do anything else, Alexandria felt a sharp, stinging pain connect with her backside. She let out a high pitched yelp, entire body jolting forward a bit. "Aramis!" she called out again, trying to sound angry, but really she was just tired, both physically and emotionally.
He wasn't holding her down, and he seemed to know that she knew that, as he'd paused his movements. It seemed he was waiting to see what she'd do. Part of Alexandria was ready to jump right back up to her feet and ask him to leave... while the other part of her wanted to stay put. She couldn't honestly put her finger on why she wanted to stay. It definitely wasn't fear; sure, he was bigger than her but Aramis Stilton wasn't exactly a man that instilled fear in to the hearts of people. In fact, he did the exact opposite. She'd hate to think about what condition the miners would be in without him around. No, it wasn't fear... but what was it? Her curiosity finally got the better of her and she stayed still, reaching out and loosely hanging on to the edge of the cot.
She could feel Aramis wrap his left arm around her waist, before she felt his hand come down once again. Alexandria flinched and gasped, hanging on tighter to the cot. Before she had any chance to respond, Aramis explained, "there's something you're not telling me, and if you don't want to then I won't try to force you. Your business is your business, but Alexandria, you can't possibly think I'll just sit here idly while you deny yourself food and sleep."
Alexandria buried her face in to the crook of her arm, sighing and saying quietly, "there's too much to be done."
"There can't possibly be any good reason for starving yourself, Alexandria," Aramis scolded, landing several quick, sharp smacks over her pants. It didn't matter that they were over her pants - Aramis frequently worked side by side with his workers in the silver mines. No one would ever question his arm strength, especially not Alexandria, especially not now.
She buried her face more deeply in to her arm, cringing and trying to hold still. She shut her eyes tightly and said with conviction, "you don't know that." That had come out a bit more strongly than she'd intended it, but she couldn't help it... it was how she felt.
"Hypatia, I don't know what's going on, but I promise you," Aramis said, quickly peppering her backside with harder swats, "starving yourself isn't going to help anyone."
Alexandria knew he was right, but it wasn't really about helping people. It was far more complicated than that. She stayed quiet, shoulders tensing and feet drumming in to the bed in frustration.
Aramis sighed softly, raising his knee up a bit. At first Alexandria wasn't sure why he was doing so, but then when his hand crashed down over the undercurve of her backside she understood perfectly. She yelped loudly, kicking a leg out in protest. Oh, that really didn't feel nice. "You are a doctor, Alexandria, you know better than this, I know you do," he admonished, "why in the world are you doing this to yourself?"
The doctor's shoulders tensed further as something inside of her simply snapped. "Because, I deserve so much more than just a spanking, Aramis!" she abruptly shouted. Alexandria didn't know why she'd suddenly snapped. She just felt so absolutely full of rage. She was immediately regretting her decision to say that, as now he'd halted the spanking and was sure to begin asking questions.
Sure enough, Aramis paused before asking gently, "Alexandria, what could you have done that is so horrible?"
"You have no idea," Alexandria said quietly, shoulders tensing as she already felt tears beginning to brim, "I've... I've hurt people..."
Aramis reached for her shoulders, gently pulling her up and in to a seated position next to him on the cot. Alexandria fought him on it for just a moment, honestly feeling like staying over his lap would be easier so she wouldn't have to look at him... but she eventually allowed herself to be pulled up. She stared down at her lap, unmoving. "Alexandria," Aramis said gently, leaning down a bit to try to look in her eyes, "what do you mean, you've hurt people?"
The doctor shut her eyes tightly to avoid his, gripping her pants in her fists. She shook her head quickly, tensing up even more - her muscles felt like tightly wound springs at this point.
"Alexandria..." Aramis said even more gently, "whatever happened, I'm sure you had a good reason-"
"There was no good reason," Alexandria snapped, jumping to her feet and pacing slightly. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, "there was... no reason in any of this."
Aramis got to his feet, approaching her and slowly grabbing her hands. She cautiously opened her eyes, looking down at her hands before eventually up at him. "Dealing with whatever this is all alone looks exhausting," he observed. He squeezed her hands, offering, "if you don't want to do it alone, you don't have to."
It wasn't that she wanted to do it alone, it was that she didn't see another option. She wanted nothing more than to tell someone, yet at the same time feared it more than anything. Alexandria shook her head, "that's not possible."
Aramis drew his brows further together, asking, "why not?"
"Because," Alexandria said, shutting her eyes tightly again, "if anyone except Emily, Meagan and Sokolov knew... I'd end up in prison, or worse, and... and as much as I deserve it..." She teared up, holding her breath for a moment before admitting, "I don't want to go to prison." Aramis had been an ally of Emily's fight, but he hadn't been on the ship when they found the Crown Killer. She was grateful to the three of them for keeping her secret quiet, even to him.
"If the Empress already knows and hasn't told anyone, then what reason do I have to tell anyone?" Aramis asked, squeezing her hands again, "if she didn't tell anyone then I'm sure it was for a reason."
Alexandria opened her eyes, very slowly looking back up at him. She searched his eyes with her own glassy ones, looking for any kind of truth in that statement. He looked as genuine as always, as well as hopeful that she'd tell him. Oh, was she really going to do this? She sighed, she couldn't continue at this pace for the rest of her life... it had only been a year and she was already physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. If she couldn't tell Aramis, was there honestly anyone she'd ever be able to tell?
The doctor screwed her eyes shut tightly yet again, before taking a deep breath. She let it out slowly, before saying quietly, "I... I am the Crown Killer."
There was a long silence, and for a moment Alexandria thought she was going to vomit. She shouldn't have told him, now he was going to leave, and tell Armando, and-
"Alexandria, I think we need to get you some more sleep," Aramis said, sounding very concerned, "you're not the Crown Killer - Emily said she took care of them."
"She did," Alexandria said, slowly drawing her hands away from his.
Aramis frowned, saying cautiously, "Alexandria, you're not making any sense." He tried to guide her back to the cot, probably hoping to get her to lay down.
Alexandria pulled away from him, before asking, "what happened? That night, four years ago."
"What?" Aramis asked, suddenly looking nervous.
Alexandria finally looked back up at him and said more clearly, "the night we summoned Delilah at your manor."
Aramis backed away a bit, "how do you-"
"You'd met the Crown Killer once before, but her face was always hidden," Alexandria said quietly, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking, "that night, the Duke was going to let you see her face, wasn't he?" She was only going to be able to convince him by using the memories she'd obtained in her dreams.
There was a long silence, before he finally nodded and said, "that's... that's right."
Alexandria hung on to her own arms tightly, looking back down at the ground. She couldn't look at him anymore. "You never did show up," she explained, "why not?"
Aramis had visibly paled by now, which she could see as she peeked up through her bangs. It was his turn to look away now, as if he'd been caught harboring some huge, shameful secret. Well, she supposed he had been - she'd been so busy worrying over her own sins that she'd forgotten that he might be insecure about his own. Everything just seemed so small when held up against 'I killed and tortured people, for years, and then ate them,' she supposed.
He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and explaining, "someone broke in to my home that night. They didn't take a single thing just... found me in the back garden and knocked me unconscious."
Alexandria finally looked back up at him, a bit shocked, "really?"
Aramis nodded, looking back up as well, "when I woke, I found all of my guard detail unconscious, as well."
"Then you're very lucky," Alexandria pointed out, before slowly approaching him. She wasn't sure if he really wanted her anywhere near him, right now. Sure enough, he was beginning to back up, the smallest hint of fear in his eyes. She sighed, staying where she was and insisting, "I'm so glad you never ended up getting involved. Nothing good could have ever come from that."
By now Aramis was mostly just looking at her in confusion, trying to somehow put two and two together in his head. He just couldn't seem to understand how she could be the Crown Killer, though he still looked frightened, if only a bit. She sighed, figuring she'd better explain. "Do... do you remember when I was working on a serum to help clear the miners' lungs?" she asked.
"Of course," Aramis answered, sounding confused.
Alexandria wrapped her arms tighter around herself as she explained, "I produced a finished serum, but we weren't willing to let the miners test it... so Vasco and I tested it."
"Alexandria!" Aramis scolded, obviously not liking the sound of that.
Alexandria looked down at the ground, "it worked but... it had unintended side effects. Both of us became extremely... aggressive and... and hungry." She felt her stomach churn at that thought. She looked back up at him, trying desperately to read his face, but it was almost blank. She bit her lip, "I decided the serum was a failure, but the Duke heard about what it had done to me and he..."
She couldn't continue, just yet. This was all becoming too much. Alexandria took a shaky breath, burying her face in to one of her hands.
Suddenly there was very real anger in Aramis' voice, "what did he do to you?"
Alexandria put both hands to her face now, holding her breath and shaking her head. He sounded furious, she couldn't look at him. She flinched when she felt him put a hand on her upper arm, not sure how to react. "Alexandria..." Aramis asked again, more gently, "what did he do to you?"
She slowly peeked through her fingers and looked up at him, surprised when she saw that his face was lacking in fear and disgust. No, that was wrong... there was disgust, it just wasn't directed at her. Alexandria carefully pulled her hands from her face, but turned her gaze to the side. "He found a way to get me to take it, apparently over and over," she explained. "All so he could meet her and get her to kill for him," she said, before a heavy jolt of pain shot through her chest and she corrected herself, "to get... to get me to kill for him." She shook her head, shutting her eyes tightly and covering her mouth so he couldn't see it twist. After several moments she finally dared to look up at him, pleading, "I swear, I never knew what was happening!"
Quite a long moment passed, and Alexandria was beginning to fear the worst. She jumped a little as she very suddenly felt two arms wrap around her. Her eyes flew open in surprise, finding her face mashed in to Aramis' shoulder. Her eyes began watering when she realized what this meant. He believed her, he wasn't going to tell Armando, and most importantly, he wasn't afraid of her. Alexandria reached up and loosely hugged him back, shutting her eyes tightly to will the tears back.
"Is this why you haven't been eating or sleeping?" Aramis asked, still keeping her held tightly against him.
Alexandria sighed, nodding and explaining, "so many people died... because of the Duke's lockdown on Addermire. He told people I was perfecting the Addermire Solution... working on a cure for Bloodfly Fever..."
Aramis sighed, pulling away and holding her at arm's length. "So now you feel you must make up for it by keeping your doors open, is that right?" he asked. Alexandria nodded slowly, looking off to the side. He gently squeezed her arms, "Alexandria, I can't even begin to really understand what it's been like for you. I can understand why you might feel like you have to make up for something... but putting your health at risk isn't the answer, here."
The doctor kept her gaze to the side, clamming right back up. If this wasn't the answer, then she really wasn't sure what was. She had a horrible habit of going quiet when confronted - it was much easier to say nothing than to explain the complex and frankly terrifying things she was feeling, right now.
Aramis seemed to notice her train of thought, as he'd already wrapped his arm back around her waist. In one quick movement, she found herself back over his lap, on the cot. It happened so quickly that the first thing to come out of her mouth was a loud yelp as his hand came crashing down yet again.
"Aramis!" Alexandria cried out in protest, but buried her face in to her arm and held still. What was it that was causing her to allow this? Maybe curiosity was partly responsible. Perhaps she was tired of handling this alone, and was willing to try his idea. Maybe she felt she deserved it. All three? She honestly wasn't sure.
Aramis landed several swats in a quick flurry, apparently wanting to get her attention. She gasped and held on tightly to the edge of the cot with one hand. "Alexandria," Aramis countered, "you seem to think that ignoring me will make me go away. Now I know why you've not been sleeping... now, how about eating?"
Alexandria felt her stomach churn at that question, not wanting to answer it. She shut her eyes tightly, saying through grit teeth, "you know what the Crown Killer did to their victims, Aramis. I know you do." She buried her face deeper in to her arm, "there was a reason they were often missing... pieces..."
The spanking halted, and Alexandria waited for what she'd just said to sink in. Waiting for the inevitable disgust and horror. Suddenly she felt him squeeze around her waist, and heard him admit, "I can see why eating might be... a challenge." She thought she might cry from relief - how could someone possibly be this understanding?
"I... I have a hard time keeping meat down," Alexandria admitted, "I do try to eat."
"I'm glad to hear you're at least trying," Aramis concluded, "but have you been trying to sleep?"
He had her there. She sighed, saying quietly, "I did... in the beginning. But, I have so many patients to catch up with and the... the nightmares are constant..."
"Nightmares?" Aramis asked, "about the murders?"
Alexandria nodded hesitantly, "just... about her in general. I didn't remember much at first, and for a while I thought they were just nightmares... but I've come to realize they're just..." She paused for a moment, before continuing, "repressed memories. Or... I hope that's all they are."
"What do you mean, you hope that's all they are?" Aramis asked, cautiously.
Alexandria chewed on her lip, before explaining uncomfortably, "part of me... is afraid it might be relapse..."
"Relapse...?" Aramis asked, going quiet for a moment before asking, "just how did the Empress return you to normal?"
"Vasco..." Alexandria started, feeling a lump in her throat, "Vasco had figured it out, and... began working on a counter-serum." She buried her face in to her arm deeply, holding her breath for a moment before admitting, "but she... I... figured out what he was doing and, and stopped him. He was able to tell Emily where it was, and she finished it." There was a long pause from Aramis, and Alexandria was able to tell what question was now lingering in the air. She teared up, saying quietly, "Bartholomeaus is... he's gone, and it's all my fault."
There was an even longer pause, before Aramis let out a quiet, "oh." It seemed that what she was trying to say had finally clicked. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, squeezing. "I'm so sorry, Alexandria," he said, voice immeasurably sad.
"You're... you're sorry?" Alexandria asked in disbelief, voice slowly turning to watery anger. "What in the world are you sorry for? You're not the one that... that..." she stuttered, taking a deep breath, before slowly letting it out. Her shoulders shook with both rage and emotional exhaustion as she spat out, "you're not the one that killed your closest friend."
Aramis let out a sad sigh, before lifting his knee a bit once again and bringing his hand back down over her undercurves. Alexandria yelped loudly, not having expected that. "Your anger is displaced, Hypatia," he explained, landing swats in a random pattern as he spoke, "while I cannot exactly blame you for how you feel, most of this anger should be directed at Luca, don't you agree?"
Alexandria gasped and kicked one leg out, hanging on tighter to the cot. She buried her face more deeply in to her arm, shrugging her shoulders weakly. She could feel the lump in her throat climb higher as she tried to speak, finally getting some words out, "I, I don't know. I'm the one that made the serum and... and tested it on myself..."
"I will admit, testing it on yourself may have been unwise," Aramis agreed, swatting a bit harder. Oh, wow, her pants were offering no real protection, here. She whimpered and began whining just slightly, struggling to hold it together as well as she had been. "However," Aramis continued, "in the end, you didn't honestly have any control over what Luca did. He used you, Alexandria! Get mad! Be furious! You have every right to be."
Alexandria held her breath, mulling over what he'd said, in her head. She hadn't really thought much about being angry at Luca, not since she'd first woken up. There were a few small moments, aboard the Dreadful Whale, where all she could think about was the anger at being put to sleep against her will, the rage that she'd been separated from her patients, and worse - forced to be the opposite of everything she ever was. That rage was soon buried by the massive amount of guilt that washed in as her memories began returning at a faster pace. She kept her breath held, not wanting to face the emotions she'd been burying.
Aramis swatted harder, occasionally catching her thighs. She yelped and began squirming, flailing a bit. She wasn't willing to speak, so kicking would have to do! Aramis wrapped his left arm around her waist, holding her somewhat in place as she kicked. "Do you think that Vasco blamed you, Alexandria?" he inquired.
Alexandria bit down on her lip, tearing up and shrugging. Part of her wanted to immediately say yes, because that was what she felt she deserved... but most of her knew that Vasco never blamed her at all. Aramis moved the swats down to her undercurves again, causing Alexandria's resolve to hold still to crumble. Her hand shot back without her even thinking, trying to shield her backside from the assault. Aramis briefly stopped, taking her wrist and pinning it to her side. She let out an angry whine that she didn't know she was capable of making, kicking a leg out in protest. Really, she understood... he couldn't have her hand getting caught, but that didn't mean she had to like it.
It seemed that Aramis also hadn't known she was capable of that sound, because there was a long pause. He pulled his hand back, landing it with a loud crack over her backside, eliciting a high pitched yelp out of the doctor. "Alexandria, Vasco was a good man, an understanding man," he insisted, swatting faster as he spoke, "he wouldn't have ever even created that counter-serum if he'd thought you were making any of those choices of your own volition." He moved the spanks down to her undercurves yet again, asking, "do you know how he knew that it wasn't you?"
Alexandria gasped and kicked her feet rapidly for a moment, before going still and shrugging yet again. Aramis sighed, letting her kick again as he continued to pepper her undercurves with sharp swats. "It's simple, you see... Doctor Alexandria Hypatia helps people... saves people," Aramis explained, occasionally catching her thighs, "she doesn't hurt people."
She gasped as he caught her thighs, but suddenly froze at what he'd said. Alexandria could feel her face getting hotter, and the lump in her throat rising. She tried to fight it back, eyes shut tightly and shoulders trembling.
Aramis seemed to be able to tell that she was trying to bury it down, because he soon began trying to peel back the layers. "I know eating is horrible, and I understand that sleep is terrifying," he said, voice sympathetic as he swatted her thighs a few more times, "but Alexandria, you're a doctor. If you keep evading sleep and food, you're going to end up accidentally hurting someone. I know that's not what you want, is it...?"
Alexandria bit down harshly on her lip, burying her face more deeply in to her free arm and going quiet. After a few short moments, the dam burst - she didn't want to handle this alone anymore. She couldn't handle this alone anymore. A loud, raw wail escaped from her throat as she shook her head avidly from side to side. She certainly didn't want to hurt anyone.
It must have taken Aramis by surprise, as she could feel him flinch, just slightly. Through the sudden, frantic sobbing she could just barely notice that he'd released her wrist and was attempting to get her to sit up next to him on the cot. After several tries, she raised herself up in to a seated position. He tried to pull her in to a hug, but she stopped him for a moment, grabbing on to his upper arms tightly and looking away. Alexandria's body shook with each sob that she was releasing between words, "promise me... promise me if I relapse that... you'll stop me!"
"What are the chances of you relapsing without more of the serum?" Aramis pointed out, obviously trying to talk his way out of making that promise, "and if you did relapse, could we not just make more of the counter-serum?"
"And if... if for some reason that doesn't work," Alexandria explained, trying desperately to catch her breath between words and crying, "then you have to stop me..."
She could almost hear the color draining from his face as he muttered, "Alexandria..."
"No, Aramis!" Alexandria shouted, voice quickly falling apart in to a mess of sorrow, anger, and urgency. She squeezed his arms a bit harder, eyes finally darting back to look in to his. She held her gaze firmly, tears spilling down her face, voice absolutely frantic as she demanded, "p-promise me! Promise me that if it comes down to it, you'll stop me. I... I can't become that again. I'd rather... I'd rather die... so promise me!" She knew she was asking something unspeakable of him, but there weren't many she could ask.
Aramis stared at her in shock for what seemed like forever, eyes wide. Eventually his expression softened and he brought his hands up to rest on her arms, squeezing gently. "I promise, Alexandria..." he said quietly, voice a bit watery.
Alexandria let out a small sigh of relief, just so grateful to have some kind of safety net. The feeling of relief didn't last terribly long, though, because soon the overwhelming feelings that she'd been trying to hold at bay for the past year began crashing in. She wrapped her arms around herself tightly, shutting her eyes and letting out a painful, guttural cry. Aramis reached out and pulled her in to his arms, squeezing her and holding her head to his chest.
Alexandria allowed herself to fall against him, burying her face in to his jacket and sobbing. She reached up with one hand and took a tight fistful of his shirt, pulling slightly and apologizing, "I'm sorry I... I thought I'd have a better handle on, on... whatever this is by now but I, I don't know if I'll ever get over it, I-"
"Get over it?" Aramis asked in surprise, "Alexandria, if I'm completely honest with you, you may not ever 'get over it,' and that's perfectly alright. You're a good person, and unfortunately good people don't just get over something like this in a year's time."
Alexandria held her breath for a moment when she heard him call her a good person. She eventually had to let said breath out, and it was quickly followed by a whimper and louder sobbing. "I k-killed people, slowly just..." she stuttered, taking a deep breath and letting out a loud wail, "and I ate... I ate..."
"Shhh..." Aramis tried, carding his fingers through her hair, "I know."
She was grateful that he'd cut her off, because she really hadn't wanted to finish that sentence. Tightening her grip on his shirt, she buried her face more deeply in to him and sobbed, "I killed... I killed Bartholomeaus..." Any physical strength Alexandria had remaining completely failed her at that moment and she completely collapsed against him. Aramis kept her held up easily, keeping her held tightly and letting her cry. She took a deep breath, shuddering as she did so before whispering, "I loved him." There was a long silence, before she sucked air in to her lungs sharply and proceeded to bawl, "I l-loved him, I... I-"
"Oh, Alexandria..." Aramis murmured, pulling her in closer and beginning to rock back and forth. He continued to run his fingers through her hair, offering quietly, "I couldn't be more sorry..."
Alexandria slowly reached up with both arms, wrapping them around his neck. She kept her face buried in his shirt, hanging on tightly as her body heaved with each heavy sob. She'd hardly allowed herself to feel most of these feelings since she was aboard the Dreadful Whale... especially her grief for Vasco. It was all coming to the surface, now... and it was undeniably extremely painful. For a moment the emotions became too much and she felt incredibly nauseated... but even still she couldn't stop the violent sobs from wracking her body. Aramis stayed silent, seeming to know that there honestly wasn't anything that could be said to console her. The bawling quickly escalated in volume until it was almost screaming, the sound barely muffled by his shirt. "I'm s-so, so sorry!" she cried out, feeling like she had to say that to someone, anyone.
"Alexandria," Aramis offered softly, "none of this was your fault."
She was sure he was trying to make her feel better, but it wasn't working. The sobbing and screaming had reached a point where Alexandria was now suddenly very glad that Susan, as well as everyone else on this floor of Addermire, had gone home for the night. The longer she grieved, the more and more anger finally bubbled up to the surface - anger at both herself, and Duke Luca Abele. "I shouldn't have, shouldn't have tested it on myself," she sobbed, before her face contorted and she finally admitted what she'd been trying to deny for the past year. "I dedicated my entire life to helping people, and he took that and he..." Alexandria stuttered, almost whispering, before breaking back down in to the screaming, "he took that and he, he twisted it! He threw it in the filth!"
Aramis pulled her in closer, giving her a tight squeeze. "He did," he agreed, gently petting her hair back, "and you deserved so much better than that, Hypatia."
Alexandria held her breath for a moment, attempting to calm down. All she could think about were her patients. She suddenly remembered the man that had braved the waters around Addermire in his tiny boat just to bring his dying son to her, only to have the guards turn him away. She finally exhaled, bursting back in to sobs and angrily declaring, "he made them t-turn away my patients!" She buried her face more deeply in to him, trying to muffle the sound even more as she wailed, "people died, I... I could have have helped them, I c-could have helped them!"
The sorrow was clear in his voice as he said quietly, "they deserved better, too, I know... they all did." Alexandria nodded in to his chest rapidly, agreeing wholeheartedly. At the moment, she felt more anger at Luca for separating her from her patients than she did for anything else. She let herself sob and scream - she wouldn't have been able to stop herself if she'd tried, anyway. Not that she would ever admit it, but she knew that finally letting these emotions out was a good thing. However, it was the furthest thing from pleasant.
The crying was powerfully loud and obviously furious, ripping from her throat and echoing off of the walls. This was a vehement storm of emotions - sorrow, shame, fury, and all types of other emotions that she wasn't even sure had names. Aramis kept her held closely, rocking back and forth and staying quiet, other than to occasionally make nonsensical sounds of comfort.
After what felt like forever but was likely a very short time, Alexandria's uncontrollably loud and frantic bawling had died down in to something more manageable. She eventually realized that she'd been clenching the fabric of his shirt rather tightly, and released it, hiccuping and letting out a shuddery breath. She cried quietly, letting out quiet sniffles every now and then as the storm slowly passed. Aramis stayed silent, riding out her emotions with her, all the while carding his fingers through her hair. Alexandria eventually peeled herself away from him, sitting up straight and frowning when she saw the gigantic puddle of tears and mucus on his coat. "I'm sorry," she offered quietly, nodding to the stain.
Aramis looked down at his chest, before shrugging and smiling at her, "oh, I've got all kinds of these things, try not to worry so much." He reached in to his pocket, pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to her.
"Thank you," Alexandria said, voice coming out raspy and hoarse. Just how long had she been screaming? It didn't matter, she supposed. She wiped her face with the handkerchief, before folding it over and holding it to her nose, blowing hard. As the process was repeated several times, she finally began to feel some of the pressure in her face melt away.
"How are you feeling?" Aramis asked, cautiously.
Alexandria thought on that question for a moment, before she finally arrived at an unexpected conclusion. "...Hungry," she answered, sheepishly, slowly looking up at him. She suddenly felt famished - the appetite she'd been trying to ignore was now in the forefront of her mind.
Aramis looked surprised, but soon a grin made its way on to his face as he proclaimed, "well luckily, I brought food." After a moment he frowned, offering, "it's meat, but I also brought some fruit, if you'd prefer that for now."
"I... suppose I really should try to eat some meat," Alexandria admitted, "it has, well, been a few days."
She could see the worry on his face as she informed him she hadn't eaten any meat in days. He got to his feet, heading out of the small room and out in to the lab. Alexandria waited, too exhausted to follow. What had just happened? She still wasn't completely sure why she'd allowed it to happen, but she most definitely felt lighter. Her eyes were scratchy, her head hurt, and she felt like taking a nap... but she felt lighter. Realistically she knew that it wouldn't last, but to get even a short break from the heaviness was a welcome relief.
Aramis hurried back in to the room, carrying a plate of food, along with a glass of water. He handed the plate to her and she didn't hesitate to take it, absolutely feeling the hunger she'd been ignoring so well, before. "Thank you," she said quietly, picking up the fork and pressing it in to the smoked meat. She frowned, hesitating for a moment before asking, "what... what kind of meat is it?"
"It's rabbit," Aramis reassured her as he sat down next to her, not once bringing attention to her odd question. Alexandria nodded, slowly bringing the food to her lips, hesitating yet again. Aramis reached out with one arm, wrapping it around her shoulders and squeezing encouragingly. She took a deep breath, before finally taking a bite and very slowly chewing. She was almost immediately revolted, feeling the way the meat fell apart in her mouth, feeling the fibers tear apart. Alexandria gagged, but did her best to keep her mouth firmly closed, forcing herself to chew. She chewed significantly longer than she needed to, putting off swallowing it... but eventually realized that she'd have to swallow. She took a deep breath, swallowing the meat and almost immediately gagging. It was a struggle for a while, but eventually she won her battle - the bite was staying down. Alexandria frowned, staring down at the rest of the meat on the plate with dread. She was a doctor, and she knew that Aramis was right - if she didn't start eating properly, she could end up hurting a patient. It was incredibly reckless that she'd allowed herself to go so long without proper nutrition. She was very lucky she hadn't hurt anyone. With those thoughts in mind, she forced herself to pick up the remaining meat with her fork, shoving it in her mouth. It was a little too much to chew gracefully, but she wanted this part over as quickly as possible.
As she choked down the rest of the meat, Aramis gave her a squeeze and offered her the glass of water. "Maybe this will help," he suggested.
"Thank you," Alexandria murmured, taking the glass and immediately chugging it to get rid of the taste and texture remaining in her mouth. Next she picked up a grape and popped it in to her mouth, feeling a bit better now that she'd gotten rid of the flavor. She slowly looked up at him, smiling just a bit and pointing out, "I see you're growing a beard and mustache."
Aramis chuckled, feeling at his face as he explained, "ah, yes... the last time I saw the Empress, she said that she felt I'd look good with facial hair. I thought, why not try?"
Alexandria smiled, glad to see that Aramis had grown less worried about his appearance in the past few years. He used to be so paranoid... worried that the nobles wouldn't find him good enough. It was silly, of course they'd never find him good enough - no one born in to poverty would ever be good enough for them. She smiled, agreeing, "I think that she may have been right." She threw a few more grapes in to her mouth, realizing now that she was getting more and more tired with each bite. Her eyes were heavy and burning, both from general exhaustion and the crying.
"Are you getting tired?" Aramis asked quietly, seeming to already know the answer.
Alexandria hesitated for a moment, before regretfully nodding her head. She'd already told him everything, there was no point in lying to him now. "How long was I asleep?" she asked.
"Only around four hours," Aramis said, before asking cautiously, "when is the last time you had a good night's sleep?"
Alexandria shrugged, looking to the side and admitting, "I... honestly don't know."
"That's alright," Aramis assured her, before suggesting, "why not try to get some more sleep?" Alexandria stared at him cautiously, not honestly liking the idea. She had nightmares on a regular basis, and she was quite frankly terrified of what she'd dream right after she'd experienced such intense emotions. He gave her another squeeze, suggesting, "I could stay, if you like."
Alexandria shook her head, "I couldn't ask that of you."
"And why not?" he asked, seemingly sincere.
Aramis was too good for his own good, she felt. She sighed, "Aramis, you need sleep just as much as I do. You've spent enough of your time here, putting up with me."
"Putting up with you?" Aramis asked in disbelief, "Alexandria, you're my friend, I haven't been 'putting up with you'." He sighed, "I'm happy to stay here with you, if you need me." Aramis put his hands on her shoulders, trying very hard to get her to look him in the eyes as he asked, "would sleeping be easier if I stayed?"
Alexandria fought him for a bit when he tried to look her in the eyes, but eventually she gave in and slowly looked up at him. "I, I don't know," she answered honestly, sighing and looking away again, "...maybe." She didn't want to admit it... it was simply that she was tired of lying. It was absolutely exhausting.
Aramis smiled, saying quietly, "then I'll stay... there's another cot, after all, since you're so worried about my sleep, doctor."
Alexandria rolled her eyes a small bit, before sighing and nodding. She was completely exhausted, and after that meltdown she didn't think she had the strength to stay awake. She didn't know how to thank him for staying, and she certainly had no idea how to thank him for still wanting to be here, even after finding out what had happened. Was there really anything she could say?
He got up, taking the plate and the glass from her, setting both on a nearby table. "Come then, let's get you to bed," Aramis offered, gesturing for her to lay down. Alexandria slowly let herself fall on to her side, lifting her legs up on to the cot. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to stop the burning. He walked over to a nearby cabinet, searching around its drawers before finding what he was looking for - a blanket. He unfolded the blanket, shaking it out and then gently draping it over her.
"Aramis," Alexandria finally said, reaching out and grabbing on to his wrist. She felt like she had to say something, anything. There was a long pause, before she squeezed his wrist and muttered quietly, "thank you."
Aramis shook his head, sitting down on the floor next to her cot, "nonsense. I'm happy to be here."
"I don't... I don't just mean for staying the night," Alexandria tried to explain. He was staying, despite knowing what she was.
His face softened and he reached out to run his fingers through her hair, "again, I'm happy to be here. Now... you should try to sleep, alright?"
Alexandria wasn't sure when her eyes had closed, perhaps while he was speaking? She was absolutely exhausted. She'd put off sleeping for far too long. Maybe the nightmares would leave her alone tonight, or maybe they'd be fifty times worse. At least if she did have a nightmare, she wouldn't wake up alone. "Alright..." she agreed, voice barely audible. The doctor was quickly succumbing to her exhaustion, and the fingers that were carding through her hair definitely didn't help. Alexandria took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and allowing her body to melt in to the cot.
For what felt like the first time in over a year, Alexandria Hypatia slept.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
I hope you guys enjoyed it! I'm most excited for the next chapter... much more Alex, and a look at what became of Breanna Ashworth. Thanks for reading!