Happy Holiday's everyone ~This is my fic for day nine of the ultra cool mega fun annual Zosan Christmas Exchange! There's a story for each day of the month so be sure to check them all out, maybe there'll be a pop quiz. As always I hope that you'll all enjoy my story and I would love to hear what you thought afterwards. MyLadyDay was so kind to beta this for me, Hoemance ftw
Sanji's eyes darted to his phone, ringing where he'd left it beside him on his desk. Who on earth could be calling now and deserved the worst timing in the world award? He was half tempted to just ignore the call, but he knew it was pretty useless. Usopp had let the apparent big secret among their friends out of the bag. Sanji was a freak, he was mental and so pathetic and lonely that he had to think up his own little persona boyfriend to play love letters with.
The blond clenched his teeth, fighting back emotion as he pulled his face out of his hand where he'd been resting it, hiding under the curtain of hair. Less than enthusiastic, he felt around for the phone with his hand until he clasped it tight and could flip it open. Not bothering to look at the caller ID, he brought it up to his ear. Maybe it was Robin, anyway. Her angelic voice on any other given day would've brought Sanji's spirits sky high regardless of the situation, but apparently she was standing in as his therapist with his 'condition'. Who wouldn't want to check on the stability of a patient?
"Cook."
A chill ran down Sanji's spine, almost surprising him into a state of weakness where he fell limp into the table. He caught himself, his eyes widening as he stared intensely down at a spot on the wood. This voice, he'd never heard it before. It was slightly gruff, yet quiet and cautious. It was surreal, but just like before when he'd seen Usopp's photo and videos, he just knew it to belong to the unreal man in question; Zoro.
Of course, the realization of who it was couldn't just stop there. Zoro, the man for whom Sanji defied his own ladies' man code to love and even plan to meet up on Christmas no less, was here, speaking to him. It was definitely a sensation a lot different from whenever Sanji found his secret letters scattered about, that was for sure. It wasn't face to face, but it was the next best thing. And for some sickening reason, it gave him a little bit of hope that maybe Zoro was actually real to be able to call him.
But nothing ever seemed to be that simple and go perfectly for Sanji. Hell, if it did, Sanji wouldn't be having such an unfortunate time right now, with his fake boyfriend woes. He'd been shown the proof, the damage had been done. There was no fooling and sugar coating it now. The blond forced himself to be composed and he parted his lips, breathing in slowly before closing his eyes. At least in the dark of his mind, where apparently his latest fantasy lived, he could visualize Zoro as if he were real, with the image his mind had already claimed had to be Zoro's.
"This phone…" he managed, his tongue licking around his nervously dry mouth. This wasn't the easiest thing to admit, but if the first step to recovery was to admit… "Didn't even ring, did it?"
There was a moment of silence on the other end before a soft, but still audible sigh sounded. What was he doing over there; the thought was killing Sanji to know. Was he contemplating every word he would say? If he really was created from Sanji, he could have the trait. Or perhaps, the situation was similar on that side, where the ride had been so fun having to admit it was all a lie and nothing would get better wasn't exactly what he wanted to admit to.
"Yeah."
Sanji let out an exasperated laugh, quickly inhaling afterwards as his lip quivered. No, he wasn't giving into these emotions yet just because it was true that he was a little crazy. Even the insane had a right to fight back impending breakdowns.
"Your answers are just as shitty here as when you write them," he muttered to himself, words not totally clear. Not that it mattered. Zoro was hooked into his head anyway, right? He was probably seeing every single thought he had anyway; he'd know what he meant to say. "If I hang up, will you vanish?"
Another pause. Not much of a chatterbox was he, which wasn't one of Sanji's traits. But it was stupid to think he would have any traits from the blond. He was stubborn as hell, sure, 'cause he wasn't going to accept that. The guy, fake or not, that Sanji had fallen for through randomly hidden letters wasn't much like him and it was one of the many reasons he fell for him in the first place.
"I don't know," Zoro began, pausing like he had something more he wanted to add, or perhaps felt like he needed to. "Do you want me to?"
What kind of question was that? It had Sanji exhaling out of flared nostrils, his eyes opening just to glower more at his poor innocent possessions. No, of course he didn't want Zoro to go away. Not really. He was selfish, dammit, and the last few months he'd been on cloud nine because of this guy. He hadn't been so happy in such a long time, hadn't felt such feelings. Fuck fate, it wasn't on his side, it never was. Why couldn't Zoro have been real?
The blond changed the subject, to a much harder question to ask. "You… really aren't real, are you?"
"I'm not sure."
"Not sure? How can you not be sure? You're either real or you aren't! Some kind of messed up pathetic fantasy I made up doesn't count."
"Sanji." The way Zoro said his name squeezed at Sanji's heart. "It's not like that-"
"Just answer me."
Sanji's body was slightly trembling and his eyes were becoming bloodshot, a tiny water build up was beginning to happen, but was held back by sheer willpower. His throat began to burn, the way he forced his voice to stay as normal as he could manage, despite failing miserably.
"No. I guess not."
Sanji closed his eyes tightly once more, his forehead back to seeking comfort in his palm while his hand pulled at his hair. He felt just a bit guilty for making Zoro answer something he already knew the answer to in their conversation that would last who knew how long.
"Why did you write them, the letters? Did you think this was some kind of game?" Of course, this also was a question that needed to be asked and answered.
"Because I wanted you to smile."
Sanji's mind brought up his memories of the first letter like a projector, showing him the words that Zoro had first written to start all of this. Back then, matters weren't so serious and his intentions probably didn't mean anything more than to just piss Sanji off, but they too mentioned something about Sanji smiling. Of course, it also had mentioned that Sanji was scaring off small children, but regardless, the fact he still remembered played the blond's heartstrings painfully.
"You're so damn cheesy," he hissed out. "So what, were you watching me? Do you see everything I do? Every… thought I have?"
"It's complicated."
Sanji snorted bitterly. You could say that again, bastard voice in his head.
"I don't see everything. I'm not supposed to be here. I sleep until you sleep; I see where you leave me."
It made no sense, but at the same time, in the same messed up fashion as everything else in Sanji's life, it did. Sanji had his black outs, he never really noticed them before because they'd been during times he was at home, resting. Before, he just assumed he'd fallen asleep on the couch and woke up some time later to climb into bed, when really, at some point, their consciousness must've switched. And where ever Sanji's body was, Zoro was then in control. As fucked up and confusing as that was, a worry still lingered in mind about what else the other had said. He wasn't supposed to be here? So this really was the first time they both must've been alert.
"So… this whole time you've just been locked away until whenever there's a chance to come out?" He took a gander of a guess.
"Yes." And he spent it trying to get to know Sanji and writing him letters, wandering his home and befriending his friends.
Sanji gripped his phone tighter and took a sharp breath. For a conversation with himself, this was very hard to do and it hurt more than he would've ever imagined it to before. All he could think about was Zoro, whether it had to be like this. Hearing at first that he was crazy, he just assumed he had some kind of peeping tom playing games with him, that it wouldn't really have been someone meaning what they'd said in those letters. He'd felt betrayed and played and like all he thought he'd known had slid through his fingers.
When, really, all of that could've really been true, just in a different way. Zoro didn't have a life. He really was just a person, having been created by Sanji's subconscious or not, who was trapped and only released for certain amounts of time at random. To think how he must've felt being someone bodiless, forced into a body that could never fully be his and to watch the life of its real owner from Sanji's possessions and a few letters – that Zoro himself initiated. And for fucking what, to see him smile? Zoro wasn't even being selfish or thinking of his own wellbeing, this wasn't even close to some classic fight for dominance stereotypically seen in these circumstances.
"Oi." Zoro's breath sounded like it was really coming right from the receiver.
It flustered Sanji slightly, he'd gone off into his emotions and his thoughts and didn't even realize he wasn't speaking anymore. He could feel drying trails on his cheeks and it was humiliating to think whatever noises he'd made absentmindedly could've been heard by the other. Because even if he wasn't real, Sanji didn't want to be perceived as a mess. He could be strong about this, but not just yet. He was still hurt by these circumstances and betrayed by the fate that allowed this to fall into place like pieces of a puzzle.
"I really wanted you to be real." It wasn't a secret, but Sanji's words were nothing short of a whisper.
"Me too."
"This wasn't how this was going to happen. We planned this."
"I know."
"What were you even going to do when Christmas morning came? We can't exactly ever be face to face like this, you bastard, were you going to stand me up? Didn't think I'd actually fall for you of all people? You mental bastard, I'll kick your ass." Sure, there wasn't really a way he could kick Zoro like this without damaging himself, but what else did he have to lose, right?
"It was going to be a goodbye."
"Goodbye?" Sanji couldn't explain it, but the fear inside was growing more than any of his other anxieties combined. Why, in the end, was the thought of Zoro leaving for good even more terrifying than the fact that he wasn't even real? Though, if it helped make this empty feeling at being alone once more in a life without Zoro go away, he was willing to admit Zoro was real. He wasn't physical, but he was real. He wasn't created in a traditional way, no, but he was the only thing making Sanji's life worthwhile at the moment.
On the other side of the 'phone call', Zoro let out a slightly agitated sound. Choosing which words to say had to be daunting, even from his perspective.
"This isn't my life to live or intervene. It's yours. I'm not supposed to be here."
Well, no shit, captain obvious, but that didn't mean Sanji wanted him gone! He wanted nothing more than to meet him, to be with him and in a sense, it was happening. To think it would only be briefly and he'd just vanish from his life forever after this? Leaving him alone with these mixed feelings?
"You want to leave?" He had every right to, but did he really dislike it here with Sanji?
"No. But that doesn't matter, I have to, cook. Do you want to be crazy?"
"It's a little too damn late for that! The least you could do is stand by what you started! It's my life, my decision, so if I say you can fucking stay- Ah, shit!"
Sanji quickly pulled the cellphone away from his ear, his mind mentally having given him an ear dosage of static. The hell was that about? Did his imagination have to make things so damn authentic, and in a very heated moment, no less?! He brought the phone swiftly back to his ear. Surely, that wasn't it, right? That didn't count as a hang up or dropped call, did it? He hadn't lost him, had he?
"Zoro? You still there? What the hell was that?" Sanji's throat felt tight.
Zoro's voice on the other end was calm once more. Had he heard what Sanji had said? "I gotta go, Sanji."
"Oi, no, I just said-"
"I won't," Zoro assured. "Just, a man's got to sleep, it's not my shift. Making a phone call isn't easy."
His shift, but of course Zoro had just said it earlier. He sleeps until Sanji does. The fact he was here, somehow talking to Sanji like this was unexpected and new and during that time when he was… what? Hibernating? Sanji wasn't sure how mentally exhausting a connection like that might have been, he'd never knowingly been trapped just inside a mind before.
If it was difficult, it probably meant their phone calls like this wouldn't be too frequent from here on out. Not that Sanji wouldn't be okay with just letters if it meant Zoro would still have an involvement in his life, in this goodbye he still wanted to hope for something more. For a certain something he looked forward to the most this year, that even in a two minute fake phone conversation would put him back on cloud nine. Since, current situation aside, he knew with Zoro still around and them getting more accustomed to what was happening back and forth, the feelings he felt would stay consistent or even grow more.
"I'm still expecting our Christmas."
There was a slight laugh through some more soft static on the other end. "Figures. Goodnight, Sanji."
It was so bittersweet, the way the conversation had shifted and yet Sanji still had his teeth clenched.
"Yeah. Goodnight," he paused, ready to say it, even if the reality that he was still talking only to himself was still there. That reality he'd openly accepted in the span of a fake phone call with his crush of a second persona. "Zoro."
The next few days were expectantly quiet and a bit lonesome, but by no means was Sanji still alone. He might have not had contact with the man inside his head since, which scared him slightly, considering the last half of their conversation was about Zoro leaving, but the hints he still left about calmed the blond considerably. Zoro tried, he could tell, to keep things as tidy as Sanji had left them, but he was piss poor at it. There were Zoro trails everywhere, despite how anyone else would see it.
Zoro's little mistakes with things and messes actually gave Sanji some sort of comfort. He himself had had time to think all of this mess over and he agreed with the decisions he'd made in their conversation. So what if everyone found him crazy? Sanji was happy with this. Were his standards down impossibly low? Perhaps, but it didn't take the world to make Sanji happy. He still cared strongly for Zoro as he did when he was just a mystery man sending him letters. If that just further proved he was crazy, then, well, he was fine with it.
Sure, he didn't understand what brought Zoro here or created him as a persona in his mind, but it wasn't important. The bottom line, black and white fact of the matter was he was happier ever since Zoro arrived, since finding that first letter. Still, he'd be lying if he didn't say it wasn't bitter sweet. It wasn't a break up by any means, but he could only imagine this comparable to a love moving far away and the relationship becoming long distanced.
Another reason why Christmas day wasn't as spectacular as it was in the past. Just because he knew and understood the truth about Zoro now and the way their relationship would have to work, didn't mean it didn't ache deeply. Especially the ideas of what he wanted to have happen when they would finally meet, face to face on Christmas. There were always his dreams though, he supposed.
He spent most of the morning cleaning up. The most important part of Christmas had been the eve, anyway, he went out of his way to dress up the apartment especially for its nightly host taking the late shift. Sanji didn't understand if Zoro had falsified memories or not or if he understood holidays, but he wanted to make his first Christmas here with him memorable. Granted, it would be memorable no matter what he did since it was a focal point of something that would've been, but still.
It wasn't too difficult to put his ideal Christmas back away into many separate boxes, but coming across the discarded remnants of a gift he'd left out for Zoro on his desk was. It was empty by now, of course, he knew Zoro wouldn't be able to resist something with his name on it –hell, who could?— but the imagery of it open and bare clenched back at his chest and pissed him off. He hated how even if he understood this situation, forced himself to, he was caught up on what could have been and… how he missed him already.
It was like hearing Zoro's voice, which was only in Sanji's head, had made everything so much more real. This wasn't like not being able to find a hidden letter from him for a few day's and missing getting to brainstorm what thing to say next, he was really missing him. Just missing some guy in his brain. Always, in a somewhat defense mechanism, he laughed sarcastically at it. It was unusual and a shitty situation, there was nothing to deny about that, but at least he felt like he was being 'sane' about it sometimes in recognizing it for what it was.
The blond clenched his jaw a bit, then just sighed. What did it matter, looking that composed anyway? He was alone in his own apartment and it was Christmas, he could cry if he wanted to. Not that he wanted to, or would let himself get that emotional about it. Maybe. Instead, he tried to focus on the empty gift at hand and wonder if the other man enjoyed it. It was a gift, of course, intended to him before when Sanji had thought he'd get the chance to actually hand them to him, but perhaps still he could find some use for them in the moments he was in control.
The blond stared at the wrappings for a few moments more, thinking about a bunch of useless things until his eye caught on something that shouldn't have been there. In fact, he mentally beat himself up a little realizing he hadn't seen it before. A small bit away from the gift, laying down flat on the table for anyone to see with Sanji's name scribbled on the front in a manner he just recognized to be Zoro's, was a letter.
So they were back to the letters. Well, of course, this was the life Sanji would be coming to expect from here on out. Honestly, it wasn't like he was still hoping a real actual Zoro would come strolling out of the bathroom to surprise him or anything. The blond reached for the letter, holding it in his hands a moment just to have it close, before opening it and checking inside.
"Thank you," he breathed out the words, mentally trying to hear them in Zoro's voice.
Did he really like them, though? If only Sanji could've seen the reaction on his face. Damn, fate was cruel. But looking around the space, he didn't exactly see them anywhere. They shared the same apartment now, the same body, where could he have taken those damn things? Sanji swore if he randomly found some Zoro stashing place of stuff… he could have a drawer in his dresser or something, there was no need for that. He sighed. Guess he would have to write that down, to let Zoro know that, then.
He'd nearly grabbed a pen to get started on that just so that he wouldn't forget when Sanji froze, not expecting the unusual feeling of suddenly not being alone. It was a feeling he couldn't very well describe, but regardless, it had spread. Then he heard the voice he'd been missing and knew now as familiar, the hair on the back of his neck rising almost nervously.
"Merry Christmas." Zoro's voice graced the blond's ears, but it wasn't like before.
It didn't sound like it was coming from a receiver this time, it felt close and almost life-like, as if he could turn around and find him standing there. Of course, Sanji wasn't expecting that by any means. He just stood back up straighter, trying not to give into the smile playing at his expression. He didn't like that he'd missed that guy in his head so much this made him so happy, but here he was happy about it anyway in a sickeningly sweet manner.
"Merry Christmas," Sanji parroted, looking at nothing in particular. "Did you enjoy your present? You made a mess."
Zoro huffed lowly at the mess comment, but didn't address it. "I don't know, what do you think?"
Sanji rolled his eyes slightly. What did it matter what he thought or imagined? He couldn't tell, that's why he asked the bastard. Though, something else was unsettling him. Why, instead of hearing Zoro everywhere or directly in his head, was it like he could hear him off to the side? Slowly, Sanji turned his attention to his side, in the direction of his dresser. Immediately, he held his breath, his eyes falling upon an impossible reflection in his long mirror beside it.
Really, since realizing he was insane and falling in love with voices inside of his head, Sanji shouldn't be surprised at things like this happening. Yet still here he was, bewildered. Not that Zoro's real appearance, or at least the one imagined up with him, was breathtaking or anything. Sanji would rather die than admit that. But Zoro's appearance was the same as it had been when Sanji mistakenly recognized him in pictures – before he'd realized they were one and the same. That idiotic green hair and everything. Honestly, where that feature came from in his imagination, he would never know.
Without realizing it, Sanji had moved closer. In a way, this was the first time Sanji had seen Zoro's appearance up close. This had to be the way Zoro thought himself to look, and somehow he was now using it to project himself to Sanji, replacing the blond's usual reflection. Zoro looked exhausted, though, his face slightly pale and his eyes heavy, the visualization of being tired and forcing himself to be out past his mental capacity.
But despite being exhausted, he seemed pretty happy – scowling expression aside. Perhaps, because of the very visible and new golden earrings that dangled from his ear. There were three and they all held quite the significance, given they were the same gifts that Sanji had left out for him the previous night. Something the blond had picked up after one of their letters when Zoro expressed he'd wanted them eventually, if he could.
How could him wearing them in a reflection even make sense, though, is what had Sanji pondering. Monkey see, Monkey do, the blond reached up, feeling at his ear and lightly hissing. At what point was he ever going to just notice that some asshole decided to do home ear piercings when he was in control? It hadn't even hurt or anything, but maybe Sanji had been too distracted in his thoughts to notice them before in his own ear. In fact, he was slightly surprised that he didn't mind, because in a poetic way, it was like they were sharing them and it was something close they could both have.
Seemingly impatient that Sanji seemed to only want to stare at him, Zoro cleared his throat. "Yo."
Sanji's eyes moved back to his face and he swallowed thickly. "If it isn't the shitty stranger. How are you even-"
"Face to face on Christmas. Just like you asked for, Princess."
Not that that touched Sanji or anything. Yeah, he'd said he still expected to have their Christmas together, but for Zoro to do something like this, that obviously exhausted him, just because of that… He really was a shitty thoughtful bastard after all, wasn't he?
"I did ask for that, didn't I? Though, I might look extra crazy carrying out my mirror places to celebrate." The blond joked, enjoying the way it made Zoro crack a smirk.
"What would the ladies think? I'm sure they wouldn't mind tying your straight jacket."
Sanji shot him a glare for that comment. Yes, he loved his ladies. Was there anything wrong with that? A past Sanji would've done anything for the ladies and be shallow enough to care what they thought. However, Sanji this morning was weighing out a different thought. If it meant, hypothetically, he got to spend more time with Zoro, he wasn't sure how much he would care. Which was more rare now a days? What did he really enjoy more? Not that they would really go out and about to see.
Having Zoro visit him like this randomly, doing it although it tired him out, was kind of flattering enough in a sense. Honestly, he could just go to sleep and be in control whenever he wanted, he wasn't being forced to come visit Sanji in any way that he could. There was something very warm about understanding he was doing it just for a few moments with him.
"You look like shit. Don't you ever sleep? Go back to bed, marimo."
"I'd try, but I've got this shitty blond neighbor who won't stop summoning me for fantasies."
Sanji growled slightly. "As if, asshole. I'm serious, you should be resting instead of being here."
The blond's face softened. He didn't like sending Zoro away, hell, he'd just gotten here, but he didn't want the other persona to over exhaust himself. Certainly not just so Sanji could stare at him. Zoro seemed to understand it too and he averted his eyes. They were both really shitty at goodbyes in person, it would seem – in their defense, it was very different from signing their names at the bottom of letters.
"Hey." Sanji broke the silence moments later in an attempt to make this easier. "What do you like to eat?"
Zoro's brows furrowed and he looked back up at Sanji with a sleepy gaze and slight confusion. He just shrugged in response.
"I'm not picky. But cook, if you're going to start trying to feed the mirror maybe you should see a shrink-"
"Shut up. I'm not hand feeding you, you can do it yourself. I'm going to cook for you."
Zoro's shoulders relaxed and he studied Sanji's face silently, allowing the blond to continue.
Sanji was already rolling up his shirt sleeves, ready to go into the kitchen to work, but focusing and leaving on this note was better than any awkward goodbye, and not knowing when they'd get to do something like this or talking again, letters aside, because there would always be letters. That and focusing on something like cooking would distract Sanji away from harboring thoughts and give him something positive to do the rest of this Christmas.
"You go rest and when you wake up, you're going to eat the best food you've ever tasted." He'd said that once to Zoro too, so it seemed they were both keeping their promises as of late for when they finally met. "And you can repay me tomorrow with a damn good review, alright?"
Zoro just nodded. Although he didn't know Sanji despite how they spoke in their letters, he knew enough to know it was better to just roll with his decisions when he had his mind set. It was better than any kind of goodbye he could've said at the moment. That and it felt normal, if anything, to just be sent away to rest until dinner. Their situation was far from normal, of course, so having a feeling like that was a relief.
"Alright, cook. Don't burn it."
Sanji had turned on his heel toward the kitchen, but laughed sarcastically at that. "Oh, you must really be new here."
He paused, waiting for a response, but turned to see why one hadn't come. The reflection was back to normal and had Sanji staring at himself. Yet unlike how he felt miserable and like he missed him after their phone call, Sanji felt happy and okay. Unlike before, when he was just telling himself this could work out in some weird way, he'd gotten a tiny taste and felt like it could. He wanted to be happy and with Zoro, he undoubtedly was.