Am I Evil?

by Illusionpool

I would never have considered myself evil. But loving him... did that make me evil? A drabble I wrote last night about Tigerstar, from Goldenflower's point of view.

I loved him. But he was evil.

Does that make me evil? To have loved a cat who murdered, who twisted the truth, who even tried to twist StarClan to fit his own ambitions… does that mean that I am as bad as he is?

Would I have followed him to ShadowClan, had I not had my kits to look after? I knew that the seeds of ambition had been planted many moons ago, but I did nothing to try to stop them growing. I did not make them wither and die; I stood back, and let them blossom.

Does that make me as evil as he is?

I never thought that love could be evil. I loved him and maybe, at first at least, he loved me back.

But he changed.

Everyone changes, sometimes for the better, but he changed for the worse. Gone was the cat I had fallen in love with; gone was the kind, caring tom who was always there for me.

Yet a part of me still loved him.

I couldn't help it. I was a fool. I believed that the young, carefree, clumsy cat I had fallen for still existed in there somewhere, beneath the ambition and the greed for power.

Maybe I was wrong. But we all make mistakes.

Mine were worse than others. And I did nothing but love.

I loved the wrong cat.

Many she-cats loved him. Why he chose me, I will never know. There were so many other she-cats who were faster than me, prettier than me, more graceful than me. But he didn't want any of them. He wanted me.

I saw it as a blessing, a gift from StarClan.

But it was not to be.

I can never call it a curse. Love is not a curse. Love is not one single emotion. Love is a blend of many emotions tangled together like a patch of brambles. None can be untangled, and the thorns prick at your heart.

But still, a tiny flower can bloom. Love can bring heartache, it can bring grief, sadness, inexplicable longing; it can bring clouded views.

But it can bring happiness. It can bring joy; it can be the best feeling in the world. To lie in the den, curled up against the soft pelt of the cat you love… then there is nothing else in the world. There is only you and him, and the love you share.

But our love became twisted. He became twisted. The seeds of ambition strangled the cat I once knew and loved, and turned him into nothing short of a monster.

Yet I still love him.

I will always wonder why. I saw many cats, many pairs of mates, happy together, and I wondered why that would not come to me. Why I had to be the one to fall in love with a cat who would one day become a murderer.

I could not be a murderer.

The grief would be too much to bear, to lose a cat. Why would I wish that on any cat? I would not even wish it on him.

Sometimes I wish that I could be with him, but I know I never will. I sit in the elders den, and I know that I will never see him again. Never will I get to tell him that, yes, I would have followed him.

I would. I loved him. I still do. I am no longer blind to his faults and his reign of terror over the other Clans, but I cannot help but love him. Love is gripping onto me, a burr in my pelt, and it will never be untangled.

I wonder if he still feels the same.

I doubt it. The madness, the ambition, the greed has taken over him, and replaced him with a cold shell, an echo of the cat he once was.

He could have been a great warrior.

He was the best. He was an amazing cat. He was a good mentor and he was a ferocious fighter. I always knew he would protect me and our kits.

But I was wrong.

As I sit in my den, I know that my time is near. But I wonder if StarClan would accept a cat who loves the nightmare who stalks the dreams of others.

He is no nightmare for me.

I close my eyes, and I wait. I have no fear. What will be will be. If StarClan want me, they will accept me. They will be able to see that I love him; but I still love the young tom I once knew.

Will they see that? No cat could have been better than him as a young warrior. But he changed, and I did not change with him. I stayed loyal.

But I would have left.

Love can make you do strange things. It makes you dependant on the cat. You would do anything for them; I would have done anything for him.

But not murder. I would never kill a cat.

I suppose that that is the difference between us. He murdered Clan-mates in cold blood, all to satisfy his own thirst for power. He started to put himself first, and I knew then that he would not stop until he ruled the Clans. He was purposefully evil, and he knew it. But the worst bit is that he didn't care. Not at the end.

But I… I could never murder. I would never, ever be evil on purpose. I could not do it. I am not that sort of cat.

But no cat can stop their emotions. I could not help but fall for him. Maybe StarClan will hold that against me. Maybe they won't. I won't know until it happens.

It will happen, and soon. I can feel it in my bones; my creaky old bones. For now, I must lie and wait. I will wait. I will let StarClan to make their decision.

They must decide if I am as bad as he was. They must decide whether to condemn me to his fate. I will take it. I will spend eternity as StarClan decide.

But, Tigerclaw, whatever happened, I'll never stop loving you.