Summary: Everyone knows that Byakuya is an insufferable workaholic who willingly takes upon himself the responsibilities of every other squad. But when the other captains and lieutenants decide to take a day off and spend it in the world of the living, Byakuya finds himself faced with a choice between doing what he likes best in the world and engaging in real fun.
Originally published early in 2010.
As a tribute to the mundane and to anything that would otherwise be regarded as boring, Byakuya Kuchiki was in his office one fine Sunday, dutifully overworking himself at the expense of what could have been a day off. He was infallible in finishing his squad's share of work well in advance of the deadlines the Head Captain set, and equally infallible in finishing the work of every other squad afterwards. He spent many a somnolent Sunday tirelessly writing reports, analyzing data, making schedules, correcting other's mistakes as a form of exercise, and in general, proving time again to the Soul Society that here was one captain it could not do without. The Head Captain, the Soul Society could do without, but not Byakuya.
"Captain Kuchiki," said Zaraki that morning, walking into the office of the Sixth Squad with a sizable pile of paper in his hands. It was only on occasions such as this that he ingratiatingly addressed Byakuya with deference. "Could you finish these reports for me?"
Byakuya gave him a curt nod before resuming work on the reports that Captain Ukitake had given him even earlier.
By and by, Soifon dropped by.
"Kuchiki," she said, not bothering to dissemble her curtness. "Do these."
Byakuya didn't bother to acknowledge her presence. He was in the middle of deciphering a piece of text that had become obscure behind a peculiar red stain that ominously looked like blood. Ukitake must have been having a bad morning.
Captain Hitsugaya, after much debate, decided to take advantage of this system of getting one's work done by Byakuya.
Captain Unohana repeated over and over that she had far too many patients at her Squad to afford to spare any time for the reports.
Captain Kurotsuchi cleverly pretended that making Byakuya do his reports was part of an intelligent experiment he had conceived by which to gauge how efficient the captains were, and which had been sanctioned by the Head Captain himself. Byakuya saw through this, of course, and knew that Mayuri dumped his work on him because he, like all the others who had stopped by his office that morning, simply didn't want to do it. But Byakuya didn't mind, since he was a workaholic, and what workaholics do best is work.
Captain Kyoraku brought in a pile of soaked paper that reeked of sake. Byakuya politely declined to do his reports. He was averse to alcohol.
Even Head Captain Yamamoto, using his old age as an excuse, ordered Byakuya to finish his work for him so that he could enjoy an oil massage and a pleasant afternoon of leisurely practicing his calligraphy with Captains Unohana and Ukitake.
All of the abovementioned captains and the lieutenants of those squads that sadly lacked captains were silently gloating over Byakuya's miserable plight.
What they didn't know that Byakuya's uncanny predilection for doing work was reinforced by an equally uncanny ability to finish it in a jiffy. Before lunchtime, he had punctiliously finished every one of the reports of the twelve other Court Guard Squads, and now he found himself in the unfortunate position of itching to do more work when there was no work to be done.
Idleness was Byakuya's worst enemy. He was silently reflecting on how he could defeat this enemy when a most unlikely person decided to pay him a visit.
"Hey, Byakuya-bo," said Yoruichi as she strolled into his office insouciantly and with the air of authority that people usually have about them when they're strolling into their own offices. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," said Byakuya, and his voice conveyed the mild embarrassment of a child who has been caught doing something unspeakable. "Absolutely nothing."
"Wonderful!" said Yoruichi, dropping into the seat opposite Byakuya, and folding her arms behind her head, an act that indicated that she was not about to leave anytime soon.
"How is it wonderful?" asked Byakuya. "I have absolutely no work to do."
"And why should you?" asked Yoruichi. "Today's a Sunday. Unless you haven't got over your childhood workaholic tendencies."
"What's wrong with liking to work?" Byakuya's tone was defiant.
"It's just not natural. Then again, you've never really been what I would call 'natural' anyway."
"What are you implying?"
"Nothing, dear," said Yoruichi with a bored sigh. "As a matter of fact," she went on, "I was feeling pretty bored myself."
"Then maybe you could help me find some work to do. I've already finished every squad's reports, analyzed their data, and made schedules for them."
"I wasn't talking about that kind of boredom," said Yoruichi. "And since when have you started doing everyone else's work? Oh, right, you're a workaholic, I forgot. And the symptoms just keep getting worse."
Byakuya would have none of this nonsense.
"If you think there are better ways to spend one's time than in doing work, why don't you prove it?"
A grin appeared on Yoruichi's face.
"Okay," she said. "Why don't we go down to the World of the Living, then?"
"Right now?"
"Duh," said Yoruichi. "There's no time like the present."
"This is a challenge. You know that don't you."
"I do, and I accept."
"Then we leave for the World of the Living immediately."
It was Kisuke Urahara who greeted the pair outside the Senkaimon. With him were Tessai, Ururu and Jinta, and Ichigo.
"Hey, Byakuya," said Ichigo hospitably once the two were out and the Senkaimon had disappeared. "I heard you were coming down here, and I decided to say Hi."
Byakuya looked disdainfully at him.
"Ignorant boy," he said. "Have you not learned to address me with respect after all this time?"
Ichigo hadn't, and wasn't planning on doing so anytime soon.
"Jeez, I'm sorry," he said sarcastically. "I didn't think you'd be this ungrateful after I'd saved your noble ass."
"Saved me?" asked Byakuya, ignoring the reference to his noble ass. "Saved me?" Byakuya took a step forward.
"Yeah," said Ichigo, who took a step forward in turn. "You heard me right. I saved you. I went easy on you back at the Sokyoku because you were Rukia's brother. Now I wish I hadn't."
"So you went easy on me, did you?" Byakuya's voice was steely. "Ignorant fool. If I had fought that battle at full strength there wouldn't be a trace left of the arrogant fool who stands in front of me now, and dares to talk to me so impertinently. If anyone needs to learn gratitude, it's you."
"Why you—!"
"That's enough," said Urahara in his conciliatory way, stepping between Byakuya and Ichigo with fan in front of his face. "This isn't the time to argue over something so pointless. Why don't we all go inside the store and have some tea, and Yoruichi can tell us all about her latest mission."
Tea was served courtesy of Tessai, who prided himself on his skills in that particular art.
"How do you like the tea?" he asked Byakuya, who was tasting of Tessai's exquisite tea for the first time.
Byakuya took a sip and frowned.
"The Kuchiki maids make better tea than this."
Tessai struggled not to say something obscene.
"So tell me, Yoruichi," said Urahara in a loud cheerful tone that was calculated to make everyone forget their differences and behave civilly. "How did it go?"
"It went fine," said Yoruichi in an equally loud and cheerful tone. "I got all the information I needed. However, we had underestimated the target. He proved to be a lot more agile than I had expected."
"What are we talking about again?" asked Ichigo.
"The neighborhood milkman," said Urahara plainly. "Lately we haven't been getting any milk in these parts, and Yoruichi's mad."
"How foolish," said Byakuya.
"What?" asked Yoruichi.
"Do you mean to say that your idea of spending time fruitfully is tailing absentee milkmen?"
Yoruichi looked surprise.
"Why, no. I had something else in mind. But since you brought it up, I can prove to you that tailing milkmen really is more fun than overworking yourself on a Sunday."
"Wait a second," said Ichigo. "What's going on here?"
Yoruichi narrated the day's events, starting at the point at which she had decided to pay the Soul Society a visit to see how things were going, and discovered that everyone except Byakuya was enjoying their Sunday, and ending at the point at which Byakuya had challenged her to find something more worthwhile to do than working.
"Whoa." Ichigo stared at Byakuya as if he were an alien. "You really are queer."
"What did you call me?"
"Er… nothing. So, Yoruichi, what do you have in mind?"
"After I teach that stupid milkman a lesson, we'll ask Renji to come up with something."
"Renji?" Byakuya raised an eyebrow. His worst fears were about to be confirmed.
Renji peered in meekly from the doorway.
"Er… Hi, Captain." He giggled as he always did when nervousness got the better of him.
"Renji," said Byakuya. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be working?"
Renji looked on the verge of peeing his pants.
"Shouldn't I…?"
"Yes. Shouldn't you?"
"I should?"
"Yes. You should."
"Then why am I not?"
"Yes. Why aren't you?"
"That's a good question."
"Yes. That is a good question. Tell me, should I answer it?"
"Er…" Beads of sweat were beginning to form on Renji's forehead as he stared fixedly at Byakuya's hand, which was hovering over the hilt of Senbonzakura. "No… please don't."
"Why not?"
Renji began to feel even more uncomfortable.
"Er… I'm sorry?"
"And what if I say that's not good enough?"
Byakuya's cold gray eyes were fixed on Renji's fearful watery ones.
Finally Renji broke down sobbing.
"Forgive me, Captain!" he said pathetically. "I'm sorry!"
Yoruichi wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"You call yourself a man?" she said. "It wasn't even your fault you weren't working. How could you possibly do any work, when this old stick-in-the-mud takes it all upon himself?"
Byakuya coughed with dignity.
"Don't speak of me like that," he said. "I am a nobleman, and will be treated as such."
"Oh please," said Yoruichi. "Once I start on how noble you were as a kid, you'll wish you'd never lived to see this day."
"What was he like?" asked Ichigo, who was secretly as much a gossipmonger as Byakuya was a workaholic.
Byakuya glared warningly at Yoruichi.
"You will not speak a word of—"
"Well, if you'd believe it, Byakuya was a hotheaded, foulmouthed, impulsive little brat back when he was a kid and under my tutelage. I tried really hard to set him straight—"
"You mean he was gay?" said Ichigo incredulously.
"No," said Yoruichi with a small cough. "I don't mean that. Anyway, Byakuya remained a pain the butt for the rest of his adolescent years."
"Whoa…" said Ichigo. "When did he change?"
"He changed when I suddenly pulled the vanishing act on him with Kisuke."
"You mean when you were exiled?"
"Exactly. Byakuya was utterly distraught, and he vowed, for the sake of my memory, which he cherished deeply, never to be an annoying little prick again. I must say, I thought that was awfully sweet."
"What nonsense," said Byakuya. To an unobservant bystander he would have appeared completely unflustered. But if one looked at him closely, his eyebrows were slightly furrowed, almost imperceptibly, and his thin lips were set in a frown. His otherwise monotonous voice was a semitone higher in pitch. "Yoruichi, you are going too far."
Yoruichi was reveling in his indignation.
"Oh I am, am I?" she said. "Wait till I tell them about the time I took you to the hot springs with me."
"You did that to him, too?" asked Ichigo, regretting it almost instantly.
"Yoruichi took you to the hot springs?" said Renji and Urahara in unison.
"Of course, of course," said Yoruichi airily. "So, just like Ichigo, Byakuya was caught completely off guard when I suddenly stripped out of my clothes."
Renji tried to look shocked even though his brain was instantly conjuring up some steamy visuals.
"And just like Ichigo," Yoruichi went on, "Byakuya didn't want to join me in the water."
"And just like Ichigo," said Ichigo with a nod of approval, "Byakuya had sense."
"Thank you, Ichigo Kurosaki," said Byakuya. "Although I must express my displeasure at being likened to you in any way."
"That's Byakuya for you," said Yoruichi. "Always ruining his relationships with people who care about him. Hey, did I tell you guys about the time when Byakuya first met Soifon—"
"You're going too far," said Byakuya, rising. "I promised myself I wouldn't hurt you, but—"
"You're going to break your promise?" said Yoruichi. "Well, that wouldn't be the first time, then, would it? Let's see, you've broken a promise you made to your parents, and another you made to your wife. You know what? Next time, just cut to the chase: you don't have to go through all the promises. You're obviously no good at keeping them."
"This is the limit," said Byakuya. He was visibly flustered, and he stormed out of the room, slamming the door in the process.
Ichigo stared after him for a while before turning to Yoruichi.
"So what happened when Byakuya first met Soifon?"
"He was beaten up really badly."
"No way!" Renji gasped. "Captain Kuchiki was beaten up by Captain Soifon?"
Yoruichi nodded.
"Although she did have an unfair advantage over him."
"Which was what?" asked Ichigo.
"I was standing naked close by, so Byakuya was pretty much paralyzed."
"That was unfair," said Ichigo meaningfully. "It was also unfair that you didn't do that in my fight against Byakuya. It would have been so much easier for me to win."
Yoruichi laughed loudly.
"Oh, please," she said. "If my looks were enough to paralyze Byakuya, then they'd totally kill you."
"It's not as if I haven't seen you naked," said Ichigo.
"Ichigo!" Renji begged with his eyes for someone to change the subject.
"Let's talk about something else," said Urahara, who was hiding his blush, and possibly a nosebleed, behind his fan.
Tessai walked in just then.
"I have found the absentee milkman," he announced with an air of purpose, and in walked a rather disgruntled-looking Captain Hitsugaya.
"Toshiro!" exclaimed Ichigo incredulously.
"Capain Hitsugaya!" said Renji.
"It's about time," said Yoruichi.
"Milkman…" said Hitsugaya contemptuously.
"Why are you a milkman?" asked Ichigo.
"Because there was nothing left to do in the Soul Society. Thought I'd might as well relax and do something worthwhile in the World of the Living."
"But milkman?"
"Don't look at me: it was Kyoraku's idea."
"He's here, too?"
"Yeah. He's the barman at the local bar."
Someone knocked at the door.
"It must be the mail," said Urahara. "I'll go get it."
He returned a few minutes later with a couple of envelopes and Zaraki.
"Kenpachi's the mailman?" said Ichigo incredulously.
"Ichigo," said Zaraki with a murderous grin. "I see you're doing well." Yachiro, who was perched on his shoulder, said, "Hi Icchi!"
"What're you doing here?" said Ichigo.
"Looking for someone to fight with, of course. It's a lot easier to look for something to do in the World of the Living than in the Soul Society. Well, I gotta be going. A lot more letters to deliver, a lot more fights to look for."
"Bye Icchi!" said Yachiru.
Hitsugaya turned to leave as well.
Ichigo watched them leave with growing disbelief.
"Right," he said. "Next you'll tell me the garbage man's Ukitake."
"Right-o," said Urahara cheerfully.
"And that the Head Captain's actually a policeman."
"No," said Urahara. "He's a private detective. Captain Soifon's the policeman, er, woman. Captain Komamura's the police dog."
"Hey, Kisuke," said Yoruichi. "I've got an idea. Why don't invite them all over for dinner. After all, they have nothing better to do."
"Splendid!" said Urahara. "I'll have Tessai whip up something special. And what about our dear friend Captain Kuchiki?"
"Knowing him, he's probably back in the Soul Society by now."
When Byakuya returned to the Soul Society, there was not a soul in sight, no pun intended. It transpired that every Soul Reaper in the Seireitei had gone down to the World of the Living to enjoy the feast Urahara and Tessai were hosting.
But it was just as well. Byakuya liked it this way.
When he reached his office he found a piece of paper on his desk. It was a letter written in Yoruichi's hand that read:
Dear Byakuya,
I have invited all the captains and lieutenants over to the Urahara Store for dinner. I assumed you wouldn't want to come. You don't know what you're missing! There are so many more stories about you to tell, so much sake to drink, and you're sitting in your office all by yourself, doing work. Oh well, I guess old habits die hard.
If you change your mind and get bored with whatever it is you're doing, you're welcome to drop by.
Love,
Yoruichi.
Byakuya shook his head and sighed. He crumpled the letter, and tossed it into the trashcan.
"There's work to be done," he said to himself as he made his way to the Head Captain's office.
Seated behind the Head Captain's desk, he emitted a luxurious sigh, and pulled out a pile of unfinished reports from the drawer. It was a delectably big pile, at least three feet tall.
"So, Head Captain Kuchiki." He gave one of those rare smiles that he only permitted himself at the end of a particularly satisfying workday. "There is work to be done."
End.