Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the song. The song is by Boys II men and is 'It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. The bits in bold italics is the song and the bits in italics are the past.
Goodbye to yesterday
'How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away'
"One year, one birthday, one christmas, one summer, one autumn, one winter and one spring. How can that ever be enough for us?" she asked no one, the hot tears slipping down her face. She had never expected this, for all her life. It seemed unfair, somehow wrong. She'd not believed things could have ever turned out this way- She didn't want to loose him. Sure, they had only been briefly together, but he had always been there for her in the background. She had needed him lately and he had held her when she cried.
Together in silence they stood, staring at each other. It was as if they were suspended above hell itself and one wrong move would send them plummeting to the scorching depths.
"Gabriel raped Kerry." There it was. He'd said it. He was still standing.
"I know." His jaw could have hit the floor. Staring at her in disbelief he stepped backwards, dropping closer towards hell. "I know because he raped me too." The words resounded in his head for a while before he could truly register them.
"I... I don't know what to..." he faltered, stepping up away from the heat. He looked at her, desperately searching for answers in her eyes and in her body. He felt uncomfortable and nervous... unsure of what to say. He looked at her to say something, anything. But to no avail, she simply stared at him, waiting for him to make the next move. "Why didn't you say anything?" he tried.
"Because no one would have believed me," she muttered and he reached out to her. She flinched but she allowed him to put his hand on her shoulder. He found it hard to comfort her, but he tried his best. His very best.
"I would have believed you. I know what he's like."
He needed her now, the roles had been reversed and she didn't think she could do it, she just wanted to run away from it all and pretend it wasn't happening.
Outside the rain was lashing against the window, but she couldn't hear it. It was as if time had stopped, just for that moment. She knew when time resumed, however, she would have to deal with it all. It would never just go away. But she still wanted to be with him. The thought of loosing him was more than she could bear, already she thought she loved him. It was a mad thought, but she did love him. She was sure of that- and one year would never be enough time to be with someone she loved. And that was with the operation. Without it he had so little time.
The doctors had said that it was impossible to tell how long he had without the operation. She translated that to mean 'not very long at all'. But was that months, weeks or maybe even days? She didn't know- she wasn't sure she wanted to know. Knowing meant accepting and she wasn't sure she was ready to accept anything yet. Accepting made it somehow more real and definite, like there was no escaping it. She couldn't stand to lie to herself but she couldn't stand the truth either- it was impossible. That's what made her want to just run away from it all and bury her head in the sand. She couldn't do that either. She figured she just had to be with him and do the est she could to love him. It didn't seem too much to ask when already she loved him more than she could say.
As she entered the hospital ward room she smiled briefly at Smithy before seating herself by his bedside. He looked at her, his stoic expression giving off no clues. Inside he was scared, anxious even, but he wasn't about to give any of that up. It seemed inappropriate to show emotion, though he wasn't sure why. He felt the need to be strong for Sheelagh, and thus not break down because she needed him to be strong more than she knew. Probably a lot more than he knew too.
"You shouldn't be here, Shee," he told her, breaking the silence.
"And why not? Do I not have the right to be here with you?" she asked, and he nodded in response. "I'm not going anywhere, Dale, I want to be with you. Whatever happens."
"You know what's going to happen. It's not fair to put you through all of this. You've been through so much lately, you don't need this. You have the opportunity to just get up and walk away, I won't stand in your way."
She stood up and his heart sank, for a few milliseconds he felt as though his life was already over. Then she stepped towards him. She took his hand into her own and squeezed it comfortingly. "I don't want to walk away," she paused for a few moments. "I love you."
He took a deep breath and looked into her blue eyes. "I love you too Sheelagh," he whispered, taking her hand to his lips and kissing it gently. It took all he had to fight off the tears. He knew he was going to die, but he couldn't deny her the truth for that. She needed to know and, whatever he said, he wanted her to be with him. He didn't want her to be upset, he wanted her to be happy, but he couldn't conceal the truth from her. He didn't want to have to leave her, but that wasn't his decision to make. That decision was out of his hands, and so he was going to have to make the most of what he had left. He knew that Sheelagh had little luck with men in the past, and he wasn't going to change that, but he wanted to be with her for as long as he had left. He wanted to wake up and see her sleeping next to him, he wanted to hold every moment of every day and kiss her each night before they went to bed. He wanted everything that he felt everyone else had easily.
His thoughts came to an abrupt stop when the doctor entered the room. Both Smithy and Sheelagh looked at her expectantly. She walked over to them and flashed a smile at Sheelagh.
"Hello, I'm Janice Dawson and I'm treating Mr Smith," she introduced herself to Sheelagh.
"Please, call me Smithy," Smithy interrupted. Sheelagh shot him an instant look of disapproval and he raised his eyebrow in the way that she always loved and she couldn't be angry at him.
"I'm Sheelagh, his..." She wasn't sure what to call herself.
"Partner. She's my partner."
"Right." Janice paused. "Well, I've just got to check your notes and a few results and I'll be back shortly," she told them before leaving the room with the notes. Instantly Sheelagh turned to look at Smithy.
"Dale... did you mean that?"
"Did I mean what?"
"That I'm your partner?"
"If you want that," he whispered, swallowing hard. He was both afraid and excited by what he might be about to hear.
"Of course I do, I want that more than anything."
"Good." He smiled and kissed her, "because I want that too."
"I want everything to be okay, Dale. I don't want to loose you," she admitted, the tears filling her eyes, failing her. "I'm sorry." She slipped out of the room and into the corridor. Her knees gave way to her body and she slid down the door to a sobbing heap on the floor. The tears fell without real reason and with no indication that they were planning on stopping. Her whole body was shaking uncontrollably and she wanted it all to stop, for the pain to go away. She wanted more than anything to laugh and be happy. Was it her that made every relationship fail and fall to pieces? She'd gotten herself a good guy and he was going to die. Plain and simple. Death was as final as it could be.
Her anger toward whoever controlled her fate came out in the form of tears and the constant pounding of her fist on the floor. Why did it have to be Smithy, the man she loved? Why him when he had never done anything to deserve it?
A nurse, with kind eyes and a warm smile, was bending down beside her, concerned about her. Eventually Sheelagh looked up at her through teary eyes. "Why couldn't it have been me that got ill?" she asked. The nurse hugged her and allowed her to sob gently into her shoulder. That small act of kindness meant the world to Sheelagh. The woman didn't have to care, but for some odd reason she did. "Why not me?" Sheelagh asked over and over again.
"Come with me and get a cup of tea. It'll be far more comfortable," the nurse suggested. Sheelagh looked warily at the door before nodding in agreement and allowing the nurse to direct her to the relatives room. Briefly she left Sheelagh on alone and she found herself staring at the wall, trying not to feel. If she didn't feel then she couldn't love or feel pain and that suited her fine. It was a temporary emotional block, but it helped. The nurse returned with two plastic cups of tea soon after she left and set a cup in front of Sheelagh on the old, battered table.
"I'm nurse Stanford," the nurse indicated her badge. "Kirsty Stanford."
"Sheelagh Murphy." Getting the words out was almost impossible, her throat was sore from the continual crying.
"Is that your husband in there?"
"No.. I guess it'd make more sense if it was, right?"
"Not at all." Kirsty smiled, sipping the hot, sweet tea.
"We work together. We've only just started seeing each other and now..." Words failed her like they never had before.
"Ahh right." Kirsty commented, as if that explained everything. "What do you two do?"
"We're in the police force. The job makes you feel so bloody invincible sometimes, you know..."
"Yeah.."
"You're not interested in all of that. He's dying. That's all he is to you nurses and doctors, right? A dying patient." She didn't mean to snap, but it was all she could do, if she could be angry then she didn't hurt as much.
"Not at all." Kirsty put a hand on Sheelagh's arm by way of comfort. "I care about you and your partner. It's not just about him being something that we can fix, he's a person too, and we know and respect that. Don't ever feel that we don't Sheelagh."
Sheelagh didn't look convinced, but there was little Kirsty could say or do and she knew that. She dealt with this all of the time, but it was different every single time. She hated to always see people suffering, patients and their families alike, but she would not have swapped her job for anything.
In a way Sheelagh understood what Kirsty meant and she believed her. She just needed someone to be angry with. Were the hospital staff not taking Smithy away from her? Rationally she knew it was't their fault but she didn't want to be rational. She couldn't be rational, she has to feel someone was responsible. If it wasn't someone else then it was her. She didn't want to believe it was her fault.
Neither of them noticed the doctor enter the room so it was a great shock to them when she spoke. "Miss Murphy, Smithy wants you to be there when we discuss what to do next. Are you okay to come?"
"Yeah, sure." Sheelagh managed, with all of her effort, a weak smile, but it didn't last long. She robotically followed the doctor back into the ward room and she sat once again in the chair beside his bed. She held his hand and he stroked hers with his thumb.
"As I've already explained to Smithy here, there is an operation he can have which will buy him some time. Maybe a year at the most."
"And I already said that I don't want it," Smithy added, knowing he had to make that clear. It wasn't that he wanted to hurt Sheelagh, but he knew he couldn't go through with the operation and live on borrowed time.
"You what?" She stared at him in disbelief. The words knocked her back a thousand miles and she could see very little now. Dr Dawson made her presence less known and sank into the back of the room, leaving the couple time to talk.
"I don't want the operation." The words tumbled out of his mouth effortlessly and yet they stabbed at her over and over with such vigor. She pulled her hand from his grip.
"But it gives us more time Dale, surely you want that?"
"It will make things harder for us both. I don't want all of that. I want to be with you, I do..but.."
"But you're going to leave me anyway?" It seemed like a dream, surely this couldn't be happening.
"I've got no choice about that one. Trust me Sheelagh, if it could be any other way I'd let it be. Prolonging death is not prolonging life."
"Sounds like the same thing to me."
"Please don't be that way, Shee," he felt for her hand again but she pulled away. "It's what I want."
"I just don't want to be saying goodbye sooner than I have to."
"You won't be." He meant it. He didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to leave her. He knew, however that his quality of life would be reduced after the operation. Neither of them would have wanted that. She turned to face him and smiled again, filling his heart with warmth.
"Promise me, Dale, that you'll tell me when things get bad. Don't keep things from me."
"I'll try." It was honest, that's all he could be.
"Dale..." She started but he pressed his finger to her lips.
"Trying is the best I can do. If we don't try then nothing happens."
"I guess you're right." She whispered, and held his hand, lying her head on his chest.
"You know I am." He instinctively stroked her hair away from her face, and as she drifted off into sleep he nodded towards the doctor, indicating that it was time for her to leave. With he and Sheelagh alone together again he allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks.
"I don't want to have to hurt you. If I didn't have to I wouldn't" he whispered to her sleeping form.