Title: Irrelevancies

Summary: The parts of Harry Potter that were too extraneous to the plot to be included in the books. A series of oneshots of school, adventures, and life in general.

Genre: General /Humour

Rating: T

Character Pairings: As I feel like it

Timeframe: All

Warnings: Look out! There's a Snorkack behind you!

Disclaimer: All recognisable plots, characters, and etcetera are the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. Everything else is the property of me.

1) What Really Happened: Some insight into why Snape and James really hated each other so much in fifth year. (Inspired by a Zits cartoon).

It was another sunny spring morning at Hogwarts. The birds were singing, the enchanted ceiling in the Great Hall was brilliant blue accented with little wisps of white clouds, and everything seemed new and exciting again.

Ah, spring, when young men's minds turn to thoughts of love, assuming that they hadn't been there already. Love was in the air, or at least certain people were trying very hard to make it be.

"Oh, come on, Evans, you know we're meant for each other!" James Potter protested.

"Do I?" said Lily Evans, sounding mildly surprised as she buttered some toast. "What makes you think that, Potter?"

"Well, you keep coming over to our table, don't you? That has to mean something!"

"What if I'm colour-blind and just can't tell what colours people are wearing?" said Lily. "Ever think of that?"

"Oh, come on," scoffed James.

"Or maybe it's how you keep grabbing me when I come into the Great Hall and dragging me over here," said Lily thoughtfully. "It's really too bad that the professors would get touchy if I hexed brilliant James Potter right out of his own inflated ego."

Sirius Black gave his bark-like laugh. "You're such a romantic, James!"

Peter Pettigrew laughed along with him. James flicked a forkful of eggs at Sirius, and he dodged with a grin.

Sirius stopped laughing abruptly, his eyes narrowed. "There goes Snivellus again," he growled. "Wonder what he's up to." The group looked around at where the slight, greasy-headed Slytherin was muttering to one of the Professors up at the staff table.

"He's doing an extra credit research report on potions requiring powdered moonstone for Professor Slughorn," said Lily. "He told me about it in the library the other day," she added, when they all turned to stare at her. "And it's Severus, actually."

"I like Snivellus better," said Sirius, with a nasty smile on his face.

"Or maybe even Greaserus," guffawed James, watching Snape hand Slughorn a large scroll and then turn to go back to the Slytherin table. "Don't they have showers in the dungeons?" Then he paused, apparently realising that his thought processes had been hijacked, ruffled up his hair, and grinned coyly, or what he thought was coyly, at Lily.

"So what do you say, Evans? Give me a kiss?" She paused for a long moment, chewing her toast, her eyes turned thoughtfully up at the ceiling.

"No," she said. Her toast rattled against her plate as she whirled around, grabbing the Slytherin who was just passing the table. She dragged him into the vacant seat next to her and planted her lips on his.

Snape made a muffled squawk, his eyes bulging out of his head. They stared at Lily, who had her eyes closed, and then looked frantically at Sirius, Peter, and James. Their quiet partner in crime, Remus Lupin, faked a cough and took a large gulp of orange juice.

It was too good an opportunity to pass up. Snape wrapped his arms around Lily and started kissing her back.

Some of the students on the near benches were laughing; others, girls mostly, joined in an oohhh that was punctuated by giggling. Students sitting farther away stood up to get a good view. Teachers up at the staff table looked around papers or stopped eating to see what the commotion was about.

James and Sirius stared, in pure, open-mouthed horror, as Snape and Lily became increasingly intense with their kiss.

"I'm going to kill him," James said in a low voice thick with rage, as the temporary lovers fell off their bench with a clatter and onto the hall's stone floor.

"Allow me," growled Sirius, craning his neck to glare at them over the table.

Snape had landed on top of Lily. They finally stopped kissing, panting slightly.

"Wow," said Lily. "I'd like to see James match that!"

"Really? Oh good. I didn't know how I'd compare," said Snape, smirking.

"You know I didn't mean that, right?" said Lily. "I was just trying to wind him up."

"Believe me, it was worth it," said Snape grimly.

"But if one of the professors doesn't slap you in detention, he's going to try and get even now," Lily pointed out.

"Still worth it," said Snape, just as grimly. "So you're saying I should run, right?"

"Yes, fast," agreed Lily.

"Right," said Snape. "So nice having this experience with you." He jumped up, straightened his robes dramatically, and high-tailed it from the room, James's curses and the laughter of the students following after him.

Lily got back into her seat, flicking back a strand of red hair.

"Whew," she said with a grin. "Is that an answer for you, Potter?"

James growled low in his throat. "You'll marry me yet, Evans!"

"Oh yeah? Well, get in line. Once you've got yourself some real class, maybe you can be best man when I marry Severus!"

Laughing, she flounced back to the Ravenclaw table, turning back once there to blow him a kiss. James and Sirius glared at each other.

"Mischief," said James, in a low growl, "Is about to be managed!"

Sirius bared his teeth in a grin.

What do you think? Reviews are most welcome.