This is the story of a man...named Harry Potter.
Rather than mope about under the cupboard under the stairs, he decided to take matters into his own hands. Kicking the door open with his foot, he burst into the corridor, making his Aunt Petunia shriek.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You scared me half to death!" the old lady shrieked.
"Really? Time to go double or nothing on your existence, then..." Harry grunted, then pulled a machine gun out of nowhere using magic, and shot her in the navel. She fell to the floor, and died.
"And now you're double half-dead." Harry grunted, spitting on the floor. "Anyway, enough of this frugality..."
He reloaded his gun.
"Time to go fatty hunting."
And so, the great and noble quest to find the Dursley child began!
Stepping out into Privet Drive, Harry cast a steely glare at the neighbourhood around him...
Then Ron stepped out from the bushes.
"Hey, Harry..." Ron grinned, walking towards him...but then Harry shot him dead.
Luckily, Ron had a spare life on his person, so he instantly came back to life.
"Whoops! My bad." Harry murmured, "I thought you were...someone else."
"Who is this 'someone else' you speak of?" Ron blinked, tilting his head to the side, giving Harry a calculating stare.
Harry accepted it gratefully.
"Never you mind, you infamous dork!" Harry seethed, slapping Ron on all four cheeks, "We've no time to chat! We must go to the moon!"
Ron looked flabbergasted.
"But...why?"
"Because I said so!" Harry muttered, his eyes glowing dark for a second, "Obey my orders like the simpleton you are!"
And so, Harry and Ron went to the moon, by using their magic.
Harry took a breath of fresh air, as he looked around his surroundings.
"Hey, Harry?" Ron barked, "Why are we on the moon, anyway? Are we trying to find some Martians?"
"No, you erogenous ape. Why would there be Martians on the moon? Martians live on Venus. You know this, we learnt it in class."
"Oh...right." Ron mumbled. So great was his shame, that he summoned a pistol using magic, and shot himself. However, the Moon Deity was feeling generous that day, and decided to let him live.
Harry nodded; this pleased him so. Watching Ron rise to his feet, Harry pulled out his trusty telescope, and pointed it to the Earth.
"Now then!" Harry yelled, his voice echoing out into the far reaches of space, "The hunt begins! For I am the great Harry Reginald Potter, and I will find my prey!"
Such was Harry's anger, that he started to dribble down his chin. Luckily a passing Moon Pigeon was there with a handkerchief.
"Thank you..." Harry smiled, nodding politely to the Moon Pigeon, which flew on its way.
"We should have eaten it..." Ron sighed softly, looking wistfully off into the distance, "Moon Pigeons are packed with important minerals, you know..."
"Yes, but to do so would be an utter travesty..." relished Harry, "For Moon Pigeons are the most noble of creatures, and humble, and wise too!"
Ron bowed pathetically.
"I am sorry, Master Harry..."
"Apology accepted, Weasley. Now then!"
Harry threw his telescope out into the darkest pits of the Universe, for he knew that he no longer would have any use for it.
"We must get back down to our home planet," Harry continued, "And continue our brilliant and mighty quest! Back down to London we go!"
"Will there be majestic damsels on our quest, m'lord...?" the Weasley boy whispered hopefully.
Harry's eyes narrowed.
"Aplenty."
It took three days and forty-two nights, but finally, Master Potter and his Weasley child arrived back in Privet Drive, where all was quiet and peaceful.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Harry sighed, shivering at the thought of his memories, "I never much did like this street...it's never been a true home for me. My only true home has been the mighty castle that is Hogwarts, and one day I aspire to take it as my own! And when that day comes, I shall sit upon its hefty throne, and be ruler of all the world!"
His eyes brightened at the thought, shining so bright that no Put-Outer in existence would be able to stifle the fire that burned bright within him.
"But...I am not yet worthy. I must work my way up to be deserving of that title...and you, Ronald, shall help me!"
"Must I?" Ron whimpered.
"You must." Harry responded, "For our paths are tied together by destiny...where one travels, the other must follow. And so on, ad infinitum. Any questions?"
"Several." Ron blinked, "But I fear all shall be answered upon our journey."
"That is the wisest suggestion you have uttered all day..." Harry smiled, wiping a tear from his eye, "I am proud of you."
"And your parents are proud of you."
"I know. Anyway, we must leave, post-haste! To Diagon Alley we must go!"
And so, through magic, Harry and Ron rode upon the Mighty Chariot of Steel, all the way to London.
But first, a word or two about the Mighty Chariot of Steel. The Mighty Chariot of Steel is not something one should just gloss over. No, much description must be had about the Mighty Chariot of Steel. Borne in ancient times, it came about when the Gaelic spirits of old transpired to create a noble beast, a horse of great fortitude and cunning...It was named Pernticulus, and this horse had the purest heart in the entirety of existence. The spirits released this amazing steed into the wild, hoping it would find peace in the restful forests of old. Pernticulus roamed the forests for many a century, helping those that were lost find themselves, both physically and mentally.
Alas, these innocent times were not to last! When the Roman Empire brought justice to the common folk of the land, they discovered the mystical horse, and enslaved him. Chaining him to a rusty old cart, they put the despairing equine to work, making him do the work of a common mule. But the fools did not realise that such a legendary horse such as Pernticulus was not meant to be imprisoned by man, and it had many a drastic consequence. It drove the horse mad! Expelling the most chilling of sounds, it brayed and it kicked and it stampeded, trampling many a Roman scoundrel that had forced him to do such menial labour. Finally, in its madness, it crashed into a gigantic pot of molten metal, and sent it tumbling over, spilling the precious liquid inside all over the noble beast and the rusty old cart that continued to ensnare him.
And thus arose the Mighty Chariot of Steel! The rusty cart was rusty no more, but now an elegant chariot, inscribed with the holiest of symbols. And Pernticulus was now beset with the strongest of armour, impenetrable by any man-made weapon, which glistened like the brightest of diamonds, whether it was day, or night. But most importantly, the chariot and the beast were now one, the same being. Eternally inseparable, the two came together to form a gracious whole. The newly formed Mighty Chariot of Steel rode off into the very folklore of human history, arriving to those that needed its help the most.
And now you know the true tale of this mystical creature.
But what of Harry Potter, and the Weasley child?
That, ladies and gentleman, shall be an issue that shall be addressed next time.