Itachi's Bad Day
Itachi wasn't sure how he got here. He also wasn't sure how he somehow lost his Jutsu, which he learned the hard way when he was immediately assaulted by enemy ninja after having appeared in a world much different from his own.
He remembered seeing an alleyway, which wasn't very strange in and of itself. Next thing he knew, however, a huge round metal creature with a person inside of it barreled past. While he was trying to figure that out, someone appeared at the end of the alleyway and began heading towards Itachi. Firstly, the person didn't see him because her face was buried in a thick book. Secondly, when she bumped into him and saw him in all his tall dark handsomeness for the first time, she screamed. To be expected.
And the next thing Itachi knew, the book was brought down on his head and everything went black. That was after, of course, he had realized that not only was his Sharingan not working, but when he tried to step out of the way, all of his Taijutsu training failed him and he was not nearly fast enough to dodge the 300 pages of angry processed tree pulp.
And now he was tied up in somebody's basement being forced to listen to endless reruns of what turned out to be a Justin Bieber CD. And he still had no clue what was going on.
Then there were footsteps. Itachi's muscles tensed, ready to snap out of the ropes or yank the enemy ninja into his Genjutsu. Oddly enough, when an ordinary (as in 'not enemy ninja-looking') girl appeared warily at the bottom of the steps, Itachi hesitated for a moment.
Her clothes were very strange, of course. For some reason, she wore very little. Short little shorts and a tiny tank top, but that was not all. Her legs were entirely bare down her ankles, and finally she wore little sandal-like shoes.
"You're a very bad man, aren't you?" She accused, raising a finger to point, one eyebrow arched. Itachi blinked and gave her a clueless expression, for that was exactly how he felt at the moment.
"Mom doesn't know you're here," the girl continued, folding her arms behind her back and starting to pace, glancing at him every now and then. "My name is Liz," she finished. "And you look very much like someone I know, but that would be impossible. I wanted to know for sure though. That's why I didn't turn you over to the police."
"Itachi Uchiha," Itachi said slowly. Liz froze.
"You mean, like, you're a fan too, or that's your name?" She asked weakly.
"That is my name," Itachi clarified.
"Are you, like, from a cosplay group or something?" Liz asked suspiciously.
"I do not know where this Village Hidden in Cosplay is, but I am not from there," Itachi said. "Where is this place?"
"This?" Liz asked, looking around. "This is my basement. It's not very nice, I know, but you're my prisoner so you don't exactly need a three-story condo. The Itachi Uchiha I know stars in an anime show called Naruto. If you're not cosplaying Itachi and your name is Itachi, then either your parents have a weird sense of humor or I'm your biggest fan."
"My parents," Itachi admitted. "I don't know what they were thinking."
"Aha!" Liz exclaimed, pointing. "So you aren't the actual real bona fide Itachi Uchiha, even though you look a lot like him except for the Sharingan and you sulk a lot like him too, not to mention have his eyebrows."
"You know about my Sharingan?" Itachi asked curiously. He was very carefully ignoring the eyebrow comment. Liz paused.
"I am getting nowhere," she said, hanging her head. She walked over to the CD player and pressed a button, and the infernal noise stopped. Itachi gave a silent sigh of relief.
"Are you or are you not the Itachi Uchiha?" Liz demanded.
"I am," Itachi said.
"The one that killed the entire Uchiha Clan, went rogue, and is now an infamous member of the group of crime lords called the Akatsuki?"
"Yes."
"The one who had an adorable little brother named Sasuke who's a real ladies man, has a partner who's half fish, and has obtained the rare Mangekyo Sharingan that can hypnotize?"
"Yes."
"The one who's super, super hot and, like, my favorite character ever but he can't be real except that he is and standing right in front of me entirely at my mercy and that makes my heart beat, like, really, really fast?"
"I do not know where you're getting your information," Itachi said distastefully. "But whoever told you that was mistaken."
"I think I'm right; you so totally are!" Liz squealed. "Oh my gosh, I am actually talking to Itachi Uchiha, heartless mass murderer and evil man who actually tried to attack me in an alley but was thwarted by me, the one and only Liz Garrett! I… am… the luckiest person in the world."
"Elizabeth Ebenezer Garrett!" Someone shrieked from upstairs.
"That's my mom!" Liz exclaimed. She turned to go, and then stopped momentarily. "Don't say anything, okay?" She pleaded. "If mom finds out you're here, she's going to kill me! Stay and be my guard weasel while I'm gone! Good boy!"
Then Liz was gone. The exact speed of a human teenage girl when faced with punishment for keeping her favorite mass-murdering anime character in her basement has not yet been figured out, but it was probably faster than a military jet.
Itachi blinked. He had no idea that females, and mothers at that, could be so violent towards their children. The fact that her mother might actually kill her if she found out about Itachi being there, against his own will, mind you, was a frightening thought. He was also carefully ignoring the guard weasel comment.
Itachi waited a minute. A minute became two, and the next thing he knew, Liz was back. Oddly enough, the exact speed of a teenager when wanting to get back to her favorite mass-murdering anime character in the basement might just be faster, if that was even possible. Itachi blinked yet again, and there she was.
"You are so cool," she whispered. She straightened up and cleared her throat. "Anyway, you've got five minutes to tell me everything about yourself so that I can put it up on my blog and tell everyone of Itachi Uchiha's unprecedented awesomeness. This you will tell me, otherwise I will force it out of you. I took longer because I had to choose my torture instrument, which I did."
She pulled her hand from behind her back with an artistic flair, and a single bright pink feather wavered in the air. Itachi stared at it for a moment.
"What are you planning on doing with that?" He asked.
"I'm going to tickle you either until I get the information I want from you or I get enough nerve to use a better feather," she said firmly. "No matter how much you scream, I will not stop until you tell me all your little secrets."
"When I was very young, too young to object, I used to wear SpongeBob underwear," Itachi admitted, a little embarrassed. "My mother said I looked cute in it, but by the time I was able to talk, I demanded Iron Man underwear instead."
"That's sick," Liz said disgustedly. "The teenage heartthrob Itachi Uchiha, shirtless, but a three year old in SpongeBob underwear. That's false advertising, if not illegal. All right, I do have a related question for you. Boxers or briefs?"
Itachi paused.
"What?" He asked, frowning slightly.
"Boxers or… never mind; you strike me as a boxers person, I'm thinking. What about your favorite color?"
"Black," Itachi replied.
"Favorite TV show?"
"'Black Butler,'" Itachi replied.
"Favorite food?"
"I eat anything but peanuts. I'm allergic to peanuts."
"I see. Uh-huh… uh-huh… peanuts, you say…"
*scribble, scribble, scribble*
"Favorite ice cream flavor?"
"Black Cherry. Once they gave me rainbow sprinkles on it, even though I specifically stated I wanted it plain."
"How dare they!"
"Yes. How hard is it to make plain ice cream, really? I couldn't help but notice that they got Kisame's perfectly correct, right down to the number of gummy bears. I considered it a personal affront, and I told them where they could put it."
"…I see. You didn't… I don't know, kill anyone? That's actually kind of disappointing."
"Is it?"
*clears throat, tries to look professional* "Favorite snack?"
"Very dark chocolate, 60% cocoa or more. I find the Belgian kind preferable."
"You are every girl's dream," Liz sighed. "With a sweet tooth," she added as an afterthought. "You'll love my cooking, though – everything I make turns out black, even the rice. How awesome is that? We were, like, meant to be!"
"No comment," Itachi replied. Liz suddenly frowned.
"You are being oddly cooperative," Liz said suspiciously. "Are you not the right Itachi? Did I get the wrong one? Or… did I accidentally give you amnesia when I hit you on the head with my book? Is that it? Oh, my gosh; I didn't, like, kill your brain, did I? Your gorgeous though frightening brain in which little chocolate demons spin around singing 'Singing in the Brain?'"
"'Singing in the Brain?'" Itachi repeated, frowning. He thought for a moment, listening to Liz hum softly, and then realized what Liz was humming. "That is wrong beyond words," Itachi commented.
"Yeah, I can't sing to save my life," Liz admitted. She raised the feather menacingly. "Now keep talking, or I'll stuff you so full of Twinkies that you'll pop like a Mongolian Air Balloon!"
"Twinkies?" Itachi repeated. "Apparently I haven't quite grasped your language yet, Ebenezer."
"It's Liz!" Liz snarled. "Do you know how many times I've dreamed of Itachi Uchiha calling me Liz? Now he actually appears in real life and calls me by my middle name. It's Liz, darn you, and now I just have to give you a Twinkie because you just look so cute!"
Liz raced back up the stairs. The exact speed of a teenage girl getting her favorite mass-murdering anime character a Twinkie was not quite as fast as either the speed when being faced with punishment for keeping said favorite mass-murdering anime character in her basement or with the speed of when wanting to get back to said favorite mass-murdering anime character in the basement, but it was still not a force to be reckoned with.
"A Twinkie?" Itachi wondered aloud. He shook his head. He needed to concentrate on getting out. For some reason, everything was wrong. He couldn't feel his chakra, he forgot all his Ninjutsu, his Sharingan wasn't working, and he didn't have a laser ring on his left middle finger. He'd have to make do.
Itachi tried to reach into his small bag of ninja weapons at his waist, but the Akatsuki cloak prevented him from reaching. He pulled his legs up to his chest and tried to bite the bag and pull it out of the cloak, but that failed too.
And then Itachi Uchiha was introduced to his first ever Twinkie. When Liz appeared again, she had something in her hand. As Itachi opened his mouth to ask her if that was a Twinkie she had mentioned, she shoved it into his mouth. Itachi looked thoughtful as the soft doughy sponge released to let out the sickeningly sweet cream inside.
"Too sweet," he gagged, spitting out the Twinkie. Liz screamed, then quickly clapped a hand over her mouth as she pointed accusingly.
"Inhuman," she snarled. "You… don't… like… Twinkies! Gah!"
"Does it come in chocolate?" Itachi suggested.
"Chocolate!" Liz sputtered. "He who has just tasted heaven asks if it comes in chocolate! You, my fine Sharingan-ed friend, are inhuman, I say! Inhuman! And I thought I was weird because my initials were the abbreviation for an electroencephalogram! Thou hast tasted Twinkie, and thou hast spit it out. Inhuman, I say!"
"I heard you the first three times," Itachi murmured.
"The first three weren't enough! Inhuman, I say! And I say it again! Inhuman fiend!" Liz shrieked. Itachi glanced up at her.
"If you don't stop, your mother will find out all about your little secret," Itachi said pointedly. Liz clapped a hand over her mouth and set herself to fuming silently. Itachi sighed.
"You are a very loud person, you know that?" He said thoughtfully. "Could you untie me, please? My hands are falling off."
"Never," Liz whispered fiercely. "I quite like having you tied up in my basement. Not many girls get this opportunity. Oh! I forgot. I was going to tickle you with a feather, wasn't I?" A crazed look came over Liz's face. "I will make Itachi Uchiha laugh if it kills me. Or him. It might kill him."
"I do not have time for this," Itachi said, straining against the ropes. The fact that mere ropes could restrain Itachi Uchiha was impossible, and yet here it was. He gave it one more tug and then became aware of a soft fuzzy feeling just below his left ear. He met Liz's eyes, three inches from his.
"What are you doing?" he asked, frowning slightly.
"I am playing with my life," Liz replied proudly, giving the feather another little tweak. Itachi winced slightly as the very tip of the feather brushed uncomfortably against his skin. "And dead enjoying it," she said, smothering her laughter as she stuck the feather into his ear. "Tickle, tickle, tickle…"
"Stop that," Itachi ordered, turning his head the other way. Liz switched to his other ear and then moved the feather down to just below his chin. Itachi bit his tongue.
"Thtop thet thow thor I'm thoing to kell loo," he slurred through his tongue. Liz grinned and the feather wavered slightly back and forth over his skin. Itachi dragged the nails of his left hand over his right hand's palm, the equivalent of pinching himself hard with his hands tied.
"I told you what you wanted to know," Itachi said mournfully. "You are a very evil young woman. And quite frightening, might I add. You remind me of someone."
"It's been my life's work," Liz admitted. "I've always wanted to tickle Itachi Uchiha with a bright pink feather. Laugh, inhuman fiend, laugh!"
Itachi clenched his teeth, but he could feel the urge to exclaim in laughter rising up within him.
And then Elizabeth Ebenezer Garrett discovered Itachi Uchiha's ticklish spot. Just beneath his jawbone, in a spot nearly exactly between his collarbone and his left ear, the feather just grazed his skin. There was a moment of silence in which Liz teased the feather back and forth, and then Itachi laughed.
It was apparent that he was trying very hard not to, but that happened to be his one weak spot. Liz looked dangerously triumphant as she tickled with new vigor, and Itachi was muffling his chortles. It was very difficult, he admitted, not to burst out with laughter, which would be quite wrong for him to do. His contract probably expired as soon as he had to bite his tongue to keep himself from laughter. The contract clearly stated 'Thou shalt not take pleasure in being tickled under any circumstances, especially not with a pink feather held by a crazed teenage girl fan.'
He had broken every rule, he was not happy, and he was still laughing against his will. Itachi had a new burning hatred for teenage fan girls, and this one… this one would go far.
Liz finally took the feather away, and Itachi gasped for breath. Liz was beaming.
"I did it!" She exclaimed, doing a little happy dance. "I successfully—"
"Did what?" asked a warning voice from behind Liz. Liz froze, and Itachi glanced over her shoulder to see a plump woman with reddish blonde hair much like Liz's standing by the bottom of the stairs, hands on hips, jaw set in grim determination.
Liz froze. There was a moment in which her eyes widened and her jaw flopped open and closed, wordlessly, like a fish out of the water. Then, they were just able to form words as Liz turned towards Itachi.
"Help me," she mouthed.
Elizabeth Ebenezer Garrett, crazed Itachi Uchiha fan at work and evil master planner, heir to the throne of Lizzie Land and president of the ultimate Itachi Lovers Unite! Club (known as W.E.A.S.E.L.), was doomed.
~ Epilogue ~
I'm sorry to say that this program has been terminated due to the sad fact that shortly thereafter, a retained strangulation caused by repressed anger and a bad case of motherly love was forced upon our lovable main character, and she had been forced to take hospital leave.
When she returned, she was no longer interested in relating her story, and is now forcing Itachi to wear a garment that she picked out for him while they bake cookies together. The garment in question, sadly, is a pink 'Kiss the Cook' apron, and Liz was proud to carry out said order. I'm afraid to say it, but our fine Sharingan-ed friend, who can face a thousand armed samurai and not bat an eyelash, apparently swooned under the stress.
Luckily, even after such a nightmarish ordeal, Itachi Uchiha was able to return to his own world without too many bad memories of our world to take back with him. Liz allowed him to take home the 'Kiss the Cook' apron, which was accidentally maliciously destroyed in an oddly localized forest fire occurring near the place Itachi arrived back in the world of Naruto. Police are investigating but have not found the culprit as of yet, as they were constantly interrupted by the victim whistling innocently.
Merry Itachi Day to all, and to all a good night!
(Itachi Day is a holiday named in Itachi Uchiha's honor and is celebrated by all branches of W.E.A.S.E.L in the president's house at 3:00 o' clock on the dot every Saturday; join us on that day for cookies painstakingly decorated with black and red icing in a Sharingan shape [considered good luck if you get a Mangekyo Sharingan] and a friendly game of 'Give Me Back My Future Husband, Itachi Uchiha' once you sign the consent form. Please keep in mind the following: what happens in the president's living room stays in the president's living room, what happens in the game in purely fiction, and that we are not held responsible for any injury you may or may not sustain while playing this high-risk game.)
An alternate title for the game includes certain words that, for the sake of innocent minds across the globe, cannot be included in this story and therefore will not be published. Think of the children.
Breaking News! Most recently, we have found that the game 'Give Me Back My Future Husband, Itachi Uchiha' was played once more the following Saturday when Itachi Uchiha agreed to give the winner a kiss on one condition – the game would be a silent game. Whoever stayed silent longest won the game and therefore won the kiss.
Much to everyone's surprise, the girls were able to stay silent for two whole months, after which the winner was chosen and the girls got back together again only to realize that Itachi Uchiha had made his escape during the first ten minutes of the game. All 137 silently seething crazed fan girls devoted every passing second of their time to hunting him down.
Itachi was eventually found fishing on a dock in a rural backyard in the Louisiana Bayou. He was dragged back by force (apparently 137 angry fan girls are more than enough to overwhelm even the great Itachi Uchiha) and the winner decided on his punishment. She enjoyed it – Itachi did not. The girls would not take Kisame as a substitute, and Itachi was forced to accept the punishment graciously to keep his honor intact. For the winner's next birthday, Itachi was forced to play 'Bobbing for Apples' with her the entire day.
He was the apple.
(A compilation of W.E.A.S.E.L. information can be found in the W.E.A.S.E.L. Handbook, under the same author.)