Government Class

"Today class, you will learn about the death penalty," Ms. Bitters began monotonously, "Unfortunately, our field trip to the local execution has been cancelled. The prisoner tried to escape and was eaten by the gaurd dogs. His skull is on display in the Prison Gift Shop. Today instead of that, we'll do an in class demonstration. Any volunteers?"

No one moved. Brian stared dumbly at Ms. Bitters. From his lips hung one drop of saliva, which loudly splashed onto his desk. Ms. Bitter's was instantly at his side. Suddenly Zim entered class, slamed the door loudly, and seated himself.

"ZIM!" Ms. Bitters screamed in vengeance and she slithered to his side, "This is the 256th time you were late this week, not counting the times you suddenly left and returned for no apparant reason and the times you went to the bathroom and never returned. For that, you will demonstrate the death penalty for the class."

"256?!" Zim shouted in amazement and argued, "Zim is NEVER late. At least not for 256 times. If I remember correctly, it was 253 times."

"Do it NOW. Or you will fail this class." Ms. Bitters threatened. A cockroach crawled into her ear.

"I have a question," Zim stood on his desk and waved his arms at Ms. Bitters and seated himself before he asked smiling, "Is it possible to rule the human race with an F in social studies class? Tellll ME, TELL ME."

"No." Ms. Bitters snarled as she motioned for him to go to the front of the class.

Alright." Zim said blankly as he walked to the chalkboard. He stuck his spider-like hands into his mouth. Squishy noises were heard. Promptly, he removed a beating and rather gooey organ and began screaming in pain.

The class was moved to pity: a few stared mutely in disgust, while others chewed on their pencil or continued to stare out the window. Retchie puked and juicy portions of his last meal splattered on the ground. The class suddenly became alert to the disaster area and the painful smell of old lasagna; all except Dib, who was amazed and delighted. He couldn't wait to get his hands on the organ and experiment with it. Fascinating. I wonder if that's his sqeedly spooch...

"Society," Ms. Bitters began darkly despite the commotion, "is inherently doomed and will end in an IMPLOSION, like all things. That is because we have a dirty society that breeds millions of dirty children like you, who will inevitably follow the destructive criminal paths of your forefathers."

The students began climbing on desks and the Class suddenly faced a dilemma. If they move away from the puke, then they'll be safe from Retchie's gasic juices but...

Penny spoke for her classmates, "If we get away from the puke, we'll have to go near Dib."

The class was dumbfounded. What to do?

"To remedy your animal instincts toward crime," Ms. Bitters continued, "is to eliminate you one by one in bizarre accidents organized by the government or in state-sponsored executions."

"But aren't those two things the same?" Dib asked to stall for time to study Zim. Dib fidgeted and nervously surveyed the room to see if anyone noticed the strangeness of Zim's organ. He took especial delight in Zim's excruciating experience, and he wished he just had some popcorn to go along with the show.

"That's not part of our discussion," She cut him off and continued slowly. "So our society is doomed. It is doomed like your mother's microwave. You, Sarah, you are doomed. Our lack of funding for pencils is part of our doom. Doom... Nothing but DOOM...and yet, there is NOTHING. There is NOTHING and there is DOOM. Doom of nothing, the nothingness of doom, and the nothingness of nothing..."

This was Dib's opportunity, Ms. Bitters had relapsed into her rhetoric of implosions, doom, and nothing. Nothing stood in his way to score another victory for mankind against the traitorous alien freak before him. Zim, meanwhile, was changing to a hue of bright red as he struggled to ignore his lack of a vital organ. Zim was on the verge of exhaustion when Dib pounced on him. Zim's organ flew from his grasp, bounced, plopped, and landed in its juicy glory near the door.

"Doom..." Ms. Bitters continued ominously.

The two struggled on the ground to reach the organ.

Dib gritted his teeth, "Alien! I'm gonna get all of your organs one day and put them in little jars and-and-and...look at them."

Zim shrieked in replied, "The PAIN! ARCK, my spine!"

Dib pushed Zim aside and scrambled to the door where the precious organ lay. Zim clawed the ground to get to his feet. When he rose, Dib had the organ in his hands and raised it for all to see. "Mankind is saved once more and science will be advanced!"

"EWWW!" The class responded in unison. They had moved away from the puke and seated closer to the front of the room since Dib wasn't there. Someone threw his sneaker at Dib and it sent him and the organ sprawling to the ground. Several classmates congratulated Smacky, who bowed and accepted money donations.

Ms. Bitters smelled something. It was beyond the average stench of her class. She leaped from her desk and stalked the aisles in pursuit of the horrible stench. It was...Retchie's daily regurgitation. "DIB."

"Yes, Ms. Bitters?" Dib dropped the organ and jumped to attention.

"Clean up this horrible mess," Ms. Dib offered him a dirty napkin that had teeth marks on a corner.

"But I have to clean it up every day," Dib protested as he went to his filthy job.

"Alright Zim, you may return to your horrible seat." Ms. Bitters told Zim and returned to her horrible perch.

Zim eagerly fetched his organ, returned to his seat, and returned his organ to his body. He sat numbly, twitching in shock.

"Yes, Dib." Mr. Bitters called on Dib.

"Ms. Bitters, our textbook says that the death penalty is administered by somebody else,"Dib said with bits of partially digested food clinging to his clothing, "Technically what Zim did is known as 'suicide'. So can we do that again? And can I be the executor? Pleeeease?" Dib had returned to his seat. The class moved away in disgust as he approached his seat.

Zim glared at Dib, and even in numbing pain he vowed revenge. That filthy human worm, I'll have him executed with my mighty fist of death, brought to you by ZIM!

"Alright, Dib. We can do this tomorrow." Ms. Bitters said.

The bell rang and the mindless and filthy dirt children rushed toward the exit.